My only ds has just spent another school holiday with no one to play with

[worzil]

The problem is me I am really shy and I have no mom friends.

I have an only ds who is 7 and its always been like this just me and my ds.
I feel so useless for my sons sake.

Although my ds seems fairly happy at home I would love to have some mom friends giving my ds the opportunity to have some mates to play with, and someone for me to chat with.
My ds is quite sociable at school and has had a few playdates after school but this is the only contact he has with his own age.

I am useless at making friends and always have been I hate how I am.
I just seem to lack the confidence to make friends and worry that the way I am will rub off on my ds.

Does anybody else feel like me.

And to be truthful, my kids haven't seen any of their schoolfriends over the holidays either, they don't tend to. None of them live locally and most go off somewhere.

I invite the little brats over for tea so they can play with dd (and in time ds). I don't like other peoples children and I don't like some of dd's friends, but I grit my teeth and go with it for dd, because she needs to learn to socialise and pick and choose her friends.

Invite them for tea and your ds will get invites in return.

Great idea from peaches might try that myself!

I think I have taught myself to be more open & confident in unfamiliar social situations so it becomes easier - it's like anything you try for the first time, hard initially and then with practice it gets more natural.

You can even pre-plan some things you might say. With a vaguely familiar face, I'd smile and say "How are you?" and then respond accordingly. Another safe gambit it to say something nice about or to another parent's child. Or something about the arrangements for the class. And just smiling and nodding in response to someone else's conversation involves you - ppl really value a good listener. And at the end, "See you next week"

Ah peaches I've done that too as often I don't know what their parents look like!

Rhubarb

Your so right in what you say.
My son attends an after school football club, he also attends a club on a tuesday where he does either cookery, board games, or arts and crafts.
He also goes to swimming lessons every Wednesday.

He has plenty of friends at school and seems quite popular.
He has also had quite a few playdates I mentioned he joined beavers but he gave that up.
The problem is in our homelife really there is nobody for either of us.

I know I need to try and sort out this situation.

You mean a best friend?

Well there are lots of kids who don't have a best friend. If he seems popular and he's happy, he's had playdates etc, then it's just you that is making it an issue. Are you hiding your problems behind your son?

The issue here is that you have no friend to talk to, is that right?

Thanks, the notes in bookbags thing was an idea suggested to me by someone else on MN when I started a thread very similar to worzil's.

Rhubarb

Maybe I am making too much out of it.

The issue really is down to my inability to make friends for myself.
I feel that this must have an impact on my son in the way of no mom friends out of school.

A I mentioned before I feel really awkward going out anywhere with my ds would love to go with another mom and her children.

Tbh though my dc's are qutie sociable, the halfterm holidays are probably the time when they are least likely to see their mates. Many families seem to like to do things together in the hols, or meet up with relatives or friends from further away, so not that many people around and the ones that are around always seem to assume that everybody else is busy.

So I always try to lay on an alternative programme for my dc's in case noone is around. That way they don't feel they're failing at something that they should be achieving, but rather that 'mum wants to have extra time with us'. So a negative is turned into a positive.

These days, I often offer to take somebody else's dc's too, to the swimming baths or to the local museum, but I still feel that's an optional.

Worzil, haven't read all the replies but....

Why not just arrange playdates during the holidays as you would for after school with his school friends? Maybe invite the mum in for a cup of tea/coffee at drop-off or pick-up if you think she is someone you would like to know better. if you don't feel up to doing that, then don't. Just invite a child around for your ds to play with.

It's not that easy to make friends out of school once they are at school and you don't have younger children to take to toddler group etc.

You say your ds does football and swimming - lots of places do half-term courses where he can go for a couple of hours every day so he is getting out and meeting people. Another thing to look out for are free/cheap events at museums, etc usually of a crafty nature...

I appreciate this doesn't help you with you making new mum friends but some ideas there if you think your ds is getting bored at home....

Hey I am in Sutton Coldfield amd I am shy too I have three children and only a couple of mom friends would you be to shy to meet me I can understand if you are because I am terrible but we could be bad at it together

p.s I could Cat you if you want me too

I know I seem forward but I have to do something I only know 1 friend with children my age and I am meant to be meeting up with a lady of here who sounds lovely she contacted me by cat

Worzil, have a look at the Mumsnet Local section and see if there is a meet-up being organised in your area.

And CAT peanutbear!!

Worzil, I know exactly how you feel. Don't beat yourself up about it, but do keep trying for your DS sake as well as your own. I am generally hopeless at making & maintaining friends & am going through agonies at DS's nursery now that I'm a SAHM again.

I try to see it as a gradual process though. You don't have to be the chattiest person on earth, but making sure you smile at people rather than keeping your head down is a good start. If you look friendly they might start talking to you first! Having a few stock questions ('going anywhere nice at half-term?') can help.

Try setting up a Mumsnet meet-up of your own - doing the organisation yourself will give you a focus and something to talk about on the day! You can always do a 'Local Meet a Mum' posting on (whisper it) netmums too to find someone in your area. And make sure you take up peanutbear's offer! She sounds lovely. Good luck petal.

Message withdrawn

peanutbear

Sorry about the delay in responding to you.

I have been away and have only just looked on here again.
Yes that would be nice.
What does CAT stand for whatever it is I am sure it will be okay.
Sorry to sound a real dope.

BUMP

peanutbear are you still around

CAT is contact a talker. see here
Hope you find peanutbear.

I always come across as really sociable when actually I'm dieing inside! What tactics I use is to pretend I'm drunk! Not silly drunk, but just that stage when you suddenly realise you're speaking rubbish to someone you don't even know! It takes effort, sometimes I can't be arsed at all and come across as rude and aloof, but once you get talking at clubs etc people remember you and are happy to include you.

I was going to mention making an invitation to give to your son to take to school, but I think the note is a better idea as it's less trouble!

I hope you manage to tackle your fear of talking to people, you sound lonely and that's sad, as I know myself what it's like to feel like that, but it's easily rectifiable as long as you're happy to squirm a bit inside!

Thanks
runnervt

Hi I have CAT you Worzil sorry it took me so long to notice the thread my threads I am on disappeared !!!

peanutbear

I just need to subscribe first will be in touch.

It is a pity he has given up Beavers, perhaps after a gap you could try cubs.I found the Scout movement a wonderful. I have a big age gap between DS1 and DS2&3. Cubs and Scouts gave the eldest things to do, especially the camps,when I was bogged down with babies.I later became a Beaver leader and always welcomed help! The cubs are the same-you don't have to make a weekly commitment but could offer if they needed an extra pair of hands(they would be thrilled). You get to know people and you are fully occupied so don't need to think of polite conversation.Even if it is not your thing, you could try the PTA at school,they always want help and it gets you on speaking terms with other Mums, which is so much easier for asking children round on playdates. If you are doing a job it is much easier to talk to people.

Sorry haven't read all of thread. But was wondering how upset ds is about situation (as opposed to you). It sounds pretty much a description of how I was as a child. I was an only, & grew up in small village with not many children.

I had one close friend in school who lived in another village, & I think in the 70s mums didn't feel the same obligation to provide a social life. So, I spent my school holidays reading, playing out on my own, making stuff et al. And looked forward to going back to school to see my friends!

So, I guess I'm saying don't beat yourself up about it, maybe you'll just end up with a kid who really likes school No bad thing imho . . .

Also, the trouble with making friends with other mums, in my experience, is that my dd never takes a liking to the mums that I have anything in common with & might want to spend time with. (Except . . . friendly child with interesting parent has just arrived at school - fingers crossed)