AIBU for not wanting PIL to visit from abroad so soon after my C Section?

[Beatricebotterx]

My PIL mean well and I do feel guilty writing this but I'm feeling anxious so want some advice please and perhaps some perspective too!

My PIL live a short flight away, we don't see them very often but when we do it tends to be pretty full on, they stay in a hotel down the road and if we aren't out together, they relax in our house.

We are due our first DC and I am scheduled a C section, PIL are insistent that they want to book their flight and stay near us the day before the surgery is scheduled. MIL wants to be involved with helping to look after the baby whilst I recover, this comes from a really good place as my parents will not be available for support. I know they mean well and I really appreciate it, but we both really want our own space, to adjust to our newborn bubble and have the following concerns:

• we know any visits won't be fleeting, as much as we can voice saying 'come for an hour', the reality is it just wouldn't happen, they will insist in staying here for full days, and it will be difficult asking them to leave. This is from experience!

• I am not that close with PIL and I just don't feel comfortable with long term visits when I have just had surgery, also from a mental health perspective, I have a history of anxiety and I just don't want outside company when I am not feeling 'myself'.

• we want to adjust as a two, getting to know our baby and getting into our own routine without outside influence (aka MIL will likely want to completely take over and keep picking the baby up etc)

-SIL will also be joining them, SIL is young, immature and really can be quite horrible, aka when she was last with us she was taking photos of people's outfits and sharing them to her friends critising them, I don't feel comfortable in her company especially just after surgery/lack of sleep etc. She also wants to bring her bf who neither of us have ever met. Again I am not comfortable with this.

The problem is we have tried to tell them our wishes, but they are insistent. Its got to the point where I feel really uncomfortable and stressed with it. MIL mentioned it again to me in person, and I politely said we would like to get into a routine before any visitors and would like a week to adjust, I got an evil look and again said no, she insists.

DH also feels pressure to 'keep them entertained' whilst they are staying here, and he said he can never fully relax, they rely on him for transport/plans etc.

Are we being unreasonable asking for a week on our own?

If you have a c section, how long did it take you to feel comfortable with visitors?

How do we deal with this? Any advice please?

Oh what a pain - you're not being unreasonable at all not wanting them there so soon after a section! I had an emergency section for my first and had a huge selection of in laws over for about half a day when DS was 11 days old or so - it was manageable then, as they brought food and did all the cooking, though I was still knackered by the end of the visit as it was quite long. They also live a short flight away.

The first week or so I only really wanted to see my mum and sisters - I was exhausted, sore, didn't feel my best, and also trying to establish breastfeeding so spent more time with my boobs out than I'd have been happy doing with anyone else (when my in laws were over I retreated upstairs to feed, which was much needed respite anyway!).

It sounds like this is something best handled by your DH, and probably with a fairly firm 'mum, I know you're excited and want to help but this is an important time for us to settle into being new parents and you being there is going to make it more difficult. We're looking forward to seeing you a week or two later when we've settled a bit more' - and it sounds like she's quite pushy, so he might have to be a bit more explicit in telling her that the family aren't invited so stay away!

Apart from anything, you'll likely be in hospital for a night or two so they'll not have much to do as I imagine your DH will be with you most of the day? And absolutely don't let them intrude on your last night as just you two!

Not unreasonable at all! I had a vaginal birth but complications and one of my biggest regrets is running around having visitors the day after I gave birth. I know for a fact it was at a detriment to my mental and physical health. Please put your foot down on this for your own sake if you are not comfortable with them in your space so soon. Get Dh to deal with the wording, firm but clear.

Say

I love that you want to be so involved. It'll be lovely seeing you hold your grandchild!
But we consider the first days as a time of wanting to have the joy and newness of having our first baby just to ourselves. Just for a week or two.
I know as parents yourselves that you'll understand - and you know how much we love you.

You either need to put in firm boundaries now with a definite no, we want some time alone. Or could you tell them the surgery date is a few days later & negotiate with your consultant to make it a few days earlier?

“We will not be having visitors for at least a week after we’re home. Anyone who shows up uninvited won’t have the door opened for them.”

You’re going to have to be firm. MIL isn’t listening because she doesn’t have to. She believes she’ll get her way.

Tell them to book for one week after your C-section in case you or baby or both of you end up needing to stay in hospital for a few days. It would be shit for them if half their stay is taken up by baby being in NICU/on the postpartum ward for observation with very limited visitors.

They can insist on flying over, but they can't insist on entering your house. I assume they don't have keys?

Or lie about the C section date - it’s been pushed back a week then you had to be taken in early because they didn’t like babies heart reading on the monitor.

And actually planned C-section get bumped by hours or days all the time if emergencies come in and you’re fine to be monitored for a few more hours/days. So coming the day before absolutely does not mean they’ll get to meet baby the next day.

It’s really quite common to need to stay in for a couple of days after a C-section anyway so really they would be better off booking for a little bit later.

Not unreasonable at all.

I would find it overwhelming. Your DH needs to handle this. I would tell them a date you are happy with and keep repeating it.

It's really rude to insist on coming before the baby is even born.

I would email them rather than discussing again. Say that you're delighted they want to meet their future DGC, but you want the last day before the c section with your DH alone and at least the first few days together as a family.
Say that they will be very welcome from x date, but not before.

Agree you need to be firm and I would say blunt, you have told them afew times now and they still aren't having it.

The first week/s are full on, you don't want to have to be hosting or having over staying visitors.

What they all said. And the boyfriend you've not met is absolutely not welcome. DH will be needed to look after you and the baby first whenever they do arrive. He cannot be a taxi service for them and he needs to manage those expectations now.

As much as it would be great to put these boundaries in place, it sounds like they really aren’t going to listen.

So the alternative is that you alter your date for the scheduled c section. Sneaky, underhand, but things get bumped and postponed, and sometimes babies decide to start earlier than planned. They don’t read birth plans or flight schedules.

And the sister and her bf just aren’t welcome. Your DH can deal with that one.

A C-Section is major surgery and you are the patient. They are not thinking about you, they are all about the baby and they are going to have to be disappointed. It’s ridiculous that they were planning to come with their daughter and her boyfriend, the latter being someone you hardly know.

A few years ago you’d both have been in hospital for 5 days with a C-section. You are likely to be very sore and if you are hoping to BF, you will need privacy and comfort to relax with lots of skin to skin time to help this. It will be a bit faffier than after a vaginal delivery because your scar is sore and you will need to try out different holds and arrangements with pillows. The last thing you need is an audience or impatient enquiries as to when you are coming down and comments about it can’t be time for ANOTHER feed. If you are ff there is a danger they all want a go and you find yourself in tears bereft of your tiny baby.

Your husband has to tell them no and be firm about it. He needs to tell them that if they book flights so early into your recovery, they’ll be lucky to see the baby briefly a couple of times during their visit, there is no question of them camping out at your house. They will also need to be clear of any sniffles and boyfriend won’t be coming to the house.

She can insist all she likes. It’s up to you two whether she visits or not. What an awful way to start out as grandparents, - by bullying and imposing. Hardly conducive to a smooth relationship. They are being very foolish.

You need to be very clear with your husband that this is a time when your needs come first and that the consequences of him upsetting you and much graver than the consequences of him upsetting his mother.

The baby won’t remember whether it has met its grandparents at 2 days old or 2 months old. All a new baby wants or needs is it’s mother, we usually make an effort to include the new dad if he’s around for his sake and the sake of them bonding, but really the baby just wants the smell and milk of it’s mum. Wider family come into play later, just like with other primates.

As previously mentioned several time we have decided we do not want visitors for the first 4 weeks after baby is born as we need time to adjust to it being the three of us and I will be recovering from a section.
As parents it is our prerogative to make this decision and we ask you to respect that.
We will be delighted to welcome you in good time to meet the new arrival.

I had a friend round an hour after returning home. I loved having visitors, and enjoyed them coming round very very soon my sections.

BUT

even I wouldn't have wanted in laws that I didn't get on that week with around so much, so early (or even now tbh 😜), and like hell would I also have the SIL and an unknown boyfriend around. And this is from someone who loves visitors and pretty much instantly bounced back from her section.

If you don't want them you need to be firm and they shouldn't need to be told twice.

We stayed with my DS and DIL from a day before her section but that was at her request and she was ever so grateful. We cooked, cleaned, done endless laundry and took the pressure off them. She had no issues with sitting around in her PJs with her feet up whenever she could and we did make ourselves scarce at feeding times although she really didn't mind us being there. I'm lucky to have her.

This!

Please be firm and say exactly this and give them a date not the other way round

Say 3 weeks or so - 2 weeks seems to be what majority go with

I have a 9 month old and honestly can't stress this enough - we did tell MIL this ( who got offended and we fell out but that's a bitter story ) but honestly I am so so so glad we had our baby bubble

Please have yours

Tell them you will be happy to see them at x point....2 weeks or whatever YOU decide

Tell them it will be a wasted journey if they come before

Then 2/3 weeks you will probably appreciate the break and want to show baby off that's how I feel and I feel so strongly about in laws taking over

My sil to this day still doenst talk to us because ' of the treatment to her mum ' it's pathetic but I wouldn't have changed a thing

My mil was over bearing turning up DAILY for 6 days - we had to tell her we wanted our own time and she cried and begged it was very horrible times but honestly PIL act very strange there are so many threads on it

Stand your ground

You wont get this time back

Also this

My midwife told me to close the curtains and don't let her in when she kept turning up daily despite telling her we just need some time
She didn't care she just wanted to hold the baby

This is very true and an excellent point
Say you could be there for days so you'd really like it that they can come when you are out of hospital

I was fine for visitors really soon after mine. However, my were visitors not an invasion.

Keep repeating no.

Don't do this

Don't start off on a lie

Otherwise they will be booking flights for

Days before baby's first bday
Days before baby's first anything....can you imagine

Set the boundaries now without having to lie that's just unnecessary

Just set the boundary and tell them no visitors until x time

They may not like it like my pil and sil didn't but tough, please set it now

My poor husband has had so much shyte to deal with because of it and it's it's not needed

Not unreasonable at all!

I had a planned c section and had no idea if I would want visitors or not right after. I even told my mum that DH and I wanted 2 weeks to recover and work out how to be parents before she came to visit (she lives at the other end of the country from us). That was definitely a bit extreme tbf, but I was feeling really anxious about the recovery and don't like any visitors when I'm not feeling myself.

As it turned out, we were fine with visitors much sooner. I was out and about when DS was about 4 days old, my mum came to stay with us a few days after and we drove to visit her and my grandma when he was 4 weeks old.

It's much easier for people to visit earlier than either to put them off or put up with them if you're not ready.

And it is absolutely fine to have your own boundaries about when/how people visit you and your baby. MiL can insist as much as she likes but you can still say no. And mean it.

I was in three days after mine and then back in for five days due to complications
It's a huge huge op
Get dh to explain as soon as your home and settled then they can book for the week after
Good luck