AIBU for not wanting PIL to visit from abroad so soon after my C Section?

[Beatricebotterx]

My PIL mean well and I do feel guilty writing this but I'm feeling anxious so want some advice please and perhaps some perspective too!

My PIL live a short flight away, we don't see them very often but when we do it tends to be pretty full on, they stay in a hotel down the road and if we aren't out together, they relax in our house.

We are due our first DC and I am scheduled a C section, PIL are insistent that they want to book their flight and stay near us the day before the surgery is scheduled. MIL wants to be involved with helping to look after the baby whilst I recover, this comes from a really good place as my parents will not be available for support. I know they mean well and I really appreciate it, but we both really want our own space, to adjust to our newborn bubble and have the following concerns:

• we know any visits won't be fleeting, as much as we can voice saying 'come for an hour', the reality is it just wouldn't happen, they will insist in staying here for full days, and it will be difficult asking them to leave. This is from experience!

• I am not that close with PIL and I just don't feel comfortable with long term visits when I have just had surgery, also from a mental health perspective, I have a history of anxiety and I just don't want outside company when I am not feeling 'myself'.

• we want to adjust as a two, getting to know our baby and getting into our own routine without outside influence (aka MIL will likely want to completely take over and keep picking the baby up etc)

-SIL will also be joining them, SIL is young, immature and really can be quite horrible, aka when she was last with us she was taking photos of people's outfits and sharing them to her friends critising them, I don't feel comfortable in her company especially just after surgery/lack of sleep etc. She also wants to bring her bf who neither of us have ever met. Again I am not comfortable with this.

The problem is we have tried to tell them our wishes, but they are insistent. Its got to the point where I feel really uncomfortable and stressed with it. MIL mentioned it again to me in person, and I politely said we would like to get into a routine before any visitors and would like a week to adjust, I got an evil look and again said no, she insists.

DH also feels pressure to 'keep them entertained' whilst they are staying here, and he said he can never fully relax, they rely on him for transport/plans etc.

Are we being unreasonable asking for a week on our own?

If you have a c section, how long did it take you to feel comfortable with visitors?

How do we deal with this? Any advice please?

It's a huge huge op

I'm sorry you had complications, but in the scheme of things, a C section really isn't a 'huge huge op'. Within the range of surgeries, it's a pretty simple cut and shut one. The location of the incision is an annoyance for mobility in the first few days, but complications (infection?) apart, it's not a complex op.

It's the fact thatrecovery is combined with having a new baby to care for that adds to the stress!

@saraclara maybe not from a surgical complications perspective, I couldn’t comment, but from a recovery point it is, because the abdominal muscles are so disturbed and as we all discover after abdo surgery, we use them for just about everything, every time we move. I’ve had more major surgery, - a thyroidectomy with additional excision of lymph glands for cancer, that included 24 hours in ICU, but from a patient perspective, unexciting abdominal surgery (not a C-section) was a lot more painful and for longer. I also seem to know an awful lot of women who have had wound infections and scar reopening with their sections too and I wonder if that is because women are being discharged so soon with poor aftercare and being encouraged to do too much too soon, - lifting 8lb weights multiple times a day for example.

I’ve no idea how a C-section compares to a hysterectomy, for example, but in our office, colleagues have had between 8 weeks and 3 months off work for them, and we are talking desk based work, not nursing or farming.

You’re not being unreasonable. Task your DH with finding a way to tell them no in a gentle way 😊 outsource this problem to him, you’ve got enough to deal with right now ….i.e birthing another human

Abso fucking lutely not.

No way should you have them visit when you're first home.

My PIL insisted on being there to 'bond with the baby' constantly and their intrusive and demanding behaviour honestly was a big factor in me developing PNA.

You need to be in your baby bubble settling in and finding your feet, not catering to the egos of the masses.

DH needs to tell them 'no, absolutely not. I know you mean well but if you show up I won't open the door.' And mean it.

You need to mean it as well.

Then don't give your decision a second thought. You don't owe them your time and attention and energy at this juncture.

You're having the baby, you get to call the shots. That doesn't make you selfish.

Good Go, NO!!
You don't want them there unless it's a quick 1.5hr visit.

Instruct your husband that a 3 night visit is all that's needed, at the end of week 3. If DH wants to take baby to visit in their accommodation then you can rest.

Only have them in your home for maximum 2 hours and go to lie down for most of that. You'll need to. You don't need this irritation or stress, it's v unfair. Time to be crystal clear with your DH, start parenthood as you mean to go on and specify you are concerned about how you'll feel. Nothing else matters with a newborn and C section scar, tell him to make it clear.

Had my 2nd in December and this plan is all wrong!

you will be in hospital for at least 1 or 2 days after the op anyway - you can’t leave until your bladder functions etc and you may want pain relief and help with breastfeeding

then those first ten days or so are really the craziest you will ever experience - you will be getting to grips with this huge life adjustment, your hormones will be going haywire, you will be in pain when getting out of bed/walking up the stairs etc, bleeding heavily, changing your baby’s nappy up to ten times a day and of course…. Trying to breastfeed

I had my mum around which was so so helpful because it meant my husband and I could concentrate on baby/older child and mum helped to cook and keep the household going

my dad only made fleeting visits to say hi because in those first 3 weeks or so your boob will be out constantly trying to breastfeed/latch or actually breastfeeding

baby will probably cluster feed for hours every night and you won’t want to sit in another room or cover up

so at a stretch your MiL could come over after 4 days or so to help with the house - you cannot entertain

your FiL really shouldn’t do more than a fleeting visit and this js easy to explain given breastfeeding

and of course the daughters boyfriend shouldn’t be coming at all - that’s just nonsense

if guests can’t help in those first few weeks they shouldn’t be coming

This is true

i had an infection and reopening at 6 weeks when I started doing more

it was awfulb