Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Help me deal with 4yo who hates new baby and is making life miserable

34 replies

Februaryschild2023 · 12/04/2023 09:11

Have a 4 1/2 yo ds and a 2 month old- so naturally we were braced for a difficult settling in period.

But my 4 year old is just continuously vile to us. Trying to hit the baby, horrible to me, shouting back, hitting us.

I've made so much effort to try and do special things with him one on one, and shower him with love. In the back of my mind also is that I struggled to bond with him as a baby because of PND.

But I'm so so tired and really getting close to losing my cool with him. He just spat in my face when I told him off and I absolutely lost it shouting. No consequences seem to work (I also struggle to think of them on the spot).

Feeling sad and guilty, please help me get through this without wrecking our relationship

OP posts:
carriedout · 12/04/2023 09:19

This sounds very difficult.

What is your routine like, and what level of help do you have? How much are you doing this alone?

I would always suggest trying to do less, to make things as calm as possible. Is the baby in a sling? Can you get one so that you can focus on the older child as much as possible - for example going out for walks or doing baking, crafts etc with your hands free?

It may be that you are making too much fuss with all the 1-1 time, how much are you verbalising that things are different now? He may not want special times, he may just want the old life back.

It takes time to get used to having your life turned upside down Flowers

Nooyoiknooyoik · 12/04/2023 09:22

You’re utterly exhausted and he is probably utterly miserable. Things will improve once you get better sleep x

carriedout · 12/04/2023 09:27

Also, one thing that can work is to try to turn your anger into sympathy/empathy with what he must be feeling - so when he spits try to think something like 'he must be feeling upset'. Take a deep breath and look after your own feelings too, this is all very fraught at this stage, you are knackered and hormonal.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

0-3 months old 4 year olds Babies & sleep Behaviour & development
christinacran · 12/04/2023 09:29

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Februaryschild2023 · 12/04/2023 09:32

Thanks for all the suggestions and empathy.

Trying really hard to be the 'gentle' parent I aspire to be, but it's goddamn hard on no sleep and the world's most belligerent child 😥

OP posts:
AmandaHoldensLips · 12/04/2023 09:34

Spitting in your face is pretty out there. What is your DH doing to help in all this?

TinyTeacher · 12/04/2023 09:34

That sounds really tough.

How was his behaviour before baby? If this is a new reaction to baby it might well just resolve itself if you are calm and consistent. His world has been turned upside down. Imagine your DH decided one day to bring home another adult and told you they were now part of your family. Oh and they need a lot of time and attention, so DH has less time to spend with you. And he's feeling tired and has a shorter temper than usual. Might you feel a bit cross and act out your emotions?

Obviously, children do adapt to siblings. But the early days can be tough. When baby is old enough to smile/play your eldest will start to enjoy them and eventually they'll play together and be great company for each other. But a small baby holds few charms for a 4 year old that is used to your full attention.

How much help do you have? We have the same age gap as you, and my parents helped a lot in the first 6 months - Having special time with DD or cuddling babies (i had twins) so I could keep DDs usual routine intact. Her brothers are 2 now, and she says they are the best thing that ever happened to her. She loves playing with them and they adore her. But really they were just an inconvenience to her when they were tiny.

kate288 · 12/04/2023 09:37

Hi @Februaryschild2023 this sounds really tough!

Just wanted to provide you some hope. I have a 5 month old DD and a 4 year old DD. We had a very tricky adjustment period too and my eldest seemed so unhappy to begin with. But 5 months in and things are so much easier than the early days and my eldest has really started to adjust to her baby sister. I think now the baby can smile and laugh at her etc means they can almost have moments of play together. We still have our moments of course, especially when my eldest is tired after nursery etc but just wanted to let you know that there is (hopefully) light at the end of the tunnel! Hope it gets better soon.

Merrow · 12/04/2023 09:42

I have the same age gap and DS2 is 4 weeks old. It's really tough, and I mainly have sympathy rather than advice! Do you have a DP who is around and able to help? Apart from meal times we divide and conquer when there's two adults, or if we spend it together it's doing things DS1 enjoys. When DP isn't around we do as much setting things up for the day the night before, so all breakfast stuff on the table, lunch something easy to grab, clothes downstairs.

DS1 isn't aggressive to the baby, but we never leave them in the same room together, so usually that means the baby is in the sling, or I'll carry the bouncer to the kitchen / bathroom/ wherever I am.

He's clearly upset about his presence though, and I'm getting a lot of verbal aggression and him storming off. I do a lot of trying my best to stay calm when this happens, not always successfully. One thing I read was about acknowledging it's all a bit shit, and also making it clear that the baby doesn't always come first. So I say things like "I can hear you're hungry DS2 but right now I'm finishing this [whatever] with DS1, then I'll feed you". And I talk to DS1 that it's hard when babies are little and upset, and he's not fun now but he's going to be a lot of fun when he's older. I talk to DS2 (when DS1 is there) about how impressive his brother is, stuff like "when you're a big boy like DS1 you can ride a bike too. DS1 is very good at riding his bike". Epic heaps of praise for any kindness from DS1 to DS2.

And bribery / consequences. Chocolate and screen time are my main weapons in that regard!

Easterfunbun · 12/04/2023 09:43

Why does he hate the baby so much? Is he ridiculously spoilt or something? My 4 year old adored my newborn.

Merrow · 12/04/2023 09:44

And everyone's happier when we're outside, so when it's all gone wrong at home I force us all out and it feels like things instantaneously improve.

Nooyoiknooyoik · 12/04/2023 09:45

You’ll have to muddle through while you’re so exhausted until you start getting some sleep again.

But never fail to give your DS a private cuddle every single night before bed and a chat and tell him you love him very much. No matter how awful he (or you, or the baby) have been to each other during the day x

Nooyoiknooyoik · 12/04/2023 09:46

Merrow · 12/04/2023 09:44

And everyone's happier when we're outside, so when it's all gone wrong at home I force us all out and it feels like things instantaneously improve.

This

Original poster
Februaryschild2023 · 12/04/2023 09:47

Easterfunbun · 12/04/2023 09:43

Why does he hate the baby so much? Is he ridiculously spoilt or something? My 4 year old adored my newborn.

Good for you, but doesn't really help me out here

OP posts:
Tarantullah · 12/04/2023 09:47

Does he go to nursery or anything? Whilst too much change at once isn't good, it sounds like you need a break and time to bond with baby which is a challenge when balancing the needs of an older sibling and trying to help them adjust to the new family dymanic. Can DH take him out? A family member? Friend? I'd also recommend popping to the library and getting some books about a new sibling, perhaps about the sibling being a bit older so they can see playing together etc- a baby is often a bit abstract to a 4 year old; he is old enough to grasp basic concepts about this though. Spitting and hitting is not acceptable, I'd be firm but fair- I understand things are different but we don't hit and remove him from the situation. I don't agree with naughty steps or the concept of, but popping him in his room and bringing back down when he's calmed down is fair.

Tarantullah · 12/04/2023 09:48

Easterfunbun · 12/04/2023 09:43

Why does he hate the baby so much? Is he ridiculously spoilt or something? My 4 year old adored my newborn.

All children are different, just like all adults are.

Easterfunbun · 12/04/2023 09:49

Well I’ve had three and not one of them has spat in my face at aged 4. He sounds like he needs some boundaries and the lack of them has contributed to this situation.

Original poster
Februaryschild2023 · 12/04/2023 09:51

@kate288 ah thank you, that is hopeful! I think a bit of interaction from the baby will really help, at the moment he just seems like a sort of inanimate object that spoils the 4 year olds fun and takes his mummy away.

OP posts:
IsaiditwasLighthearted · 12/04/2023 09:53

Easterfunbun · 12/04/2023 09:43

Why does he hate the baby so much? Is he ridiculously spoilt or something? My 4 year old adored my newborn.

Bitchy comment. Kick a mum when she's down eh? Hmm nice, not.

As a Mum of one I don't have any advice except that heard from friends - lots of praise for DS1 for any good behaviour, try to keep his routine as normal as possible and don't bother with emphasis too much that the baby is "smaller than you and needs more help" that doesn't seem to work with younger kids much, they don't care about the baby yet, they just care how it's affecting them!

TokyoSushi · 12/04/2023 09:55

That sounds really tricky, I remember the transition, it's hard!

I suppose the thing that you have to remember is that DS1 didn't really want his life to change, he was happy with it how it was. The thing that I tried was to make sure that my first child's life didn't really change, it carried on largely as before and the baby just had to fit in. (Whilst I tied myself in knots to make it happen!)

Firstly, this isn't your life now, it's going to settle down. Secondly, if he's 4.5, is he going to school in September? If he is then you've only got to get through until then and then his life is going to get much more fun and yours is going to get a whole lot easier! Is he in any childcare/preschool just now?

I'm not saying just palm him off into childcare, but if he's occupied he'll be much happier!

WhoHidTheCoffee · 12/04/2023 09:57

I don’t wish to be the voice of doom and gloom but we have a similar age gap and it took a lot more than two months for DC1 to accept DC2.

We were in a different position from you as the baby arrived on the back of a lot of changes (a bereavement in the family, a first cousin and starting school), and then Covid hit. The first year was horrendous for us. DC1 was fascinated by DC2 but struggled hugely with how much life had changed and took that out on us (in particular me as his mum). He struggles with transitions generally and we now think he might be ND - it was definitely not just the new sibling.

I couldn’t put an exact date on when things started to improve but it was closer to DC2 turning 2 than 1. I also couldn’t recommend anything in particular we did or didn’t do, though I think some 1:1 time can be helpful and also encouraging talk about feelings. But I’d buckle up if I were you - and see if you can get any support for yourself from family if possible.

LightDrizzle · 12/04/2023 09:57

My brother was four and a half when I was born and he loathed me. Mum had to keep a very close eye on him and he did try to hurt me on occasion. She told him he didn’t have to like me but he could never hurt me.

I do think children react unpredictability and I have no magic bullet, it sounds like you are trying all the right things. Is his dad very present? Often DD1 gets the hump with mum and the new parasite and transfers their affections to dad, I have mum friends who’ve struggled with that but perhaps it helps them in a way. My dad wasn’t very hands on and my mum was the all singing, all dancing light of our lives which probably made my arrival so much worse for my brother. They’d also moved house around the same time so a lot of change for him that he hadn’t asked for and couldn’t control.

I’d have lost it if either of my DDs had spat at me so no shade for that. It sounds awfully hard.

Pasithean · 12/04/2023 10:01

Why is so much pressure put on kids to like their siblings. I hated my sibling 4 years difference and still do fifty years later.

purpledalmation · 12/04/2023 10:04

My 2.5 yo boy hated my newborn too. I had to tie the bedroom door where she was sleeping as he said he wanted hit her. He also tried to kick her the first time he saw her in hospital!

I did what you are doing and it just takes time. It gets better when the older child goes to school or nursery, but eventually they do get used to each other. Eventually it just morphs into normal childhood squabbles. DS didn't take it out on me, but definitely didn't like DD

crossstitchingnana · 12/04/2023 10:08

Easterfunbun · 12/04/2023 09:43

Why does he hate the baby so much? Is he ridiculously spoilt or something? My 4 year old adored my newborn.

Not helpful.

My 4 year old hated her baby sister for a couple of months. I found putting baby is the sling worked. Then, when she could smile my eldest startled to love her.