Help me deal with 4yo who hates new baby and is making life miserable

[Februaryschild2023]

Have a 4 1/2 yo ds and a 2 month old- so naturally we were braced for a difficult settling in period.

But my 4 year old is just continuously vile to us. Trying to hit the baby, horrible to me, shouting back, hitting us.

I've made so much effort to try and do special things with him one on one, and shower him with love. In the back of my mind also is that I struggled to bond with him as a baby because of PND.

But I'm so so tired and really getting close to losing my cool with him. He just spat in my face when I told him off and I absolutely lost it shouting. No consequences seem to work (I also struggle to think of them on the spot).

Feeling sad and guilty, please help me get through this without wrecking our relationship

Sorry you're going through this. Apparently I was the same when my brother was born. My Mum was really shocked as I was a gentle child but I seemed intent on hurting my brother. I don't remember at all but I do remember when he was two and he was the best thing ever. We are really close now, I adore him.

I was shocked as an adult when my Mum told me how I reacted to his arrival. She said she thought it was because she was a really engaged parent of one child and went from that to being exhausted all of the time. Other family stepped in to spend time with me and have me for sleepovers and I started liking him when he was interactive.

I'm sorry you're going through this, all will be okay, it's just a huge change for him.

I assume the 4.5 year old is at school, so they feel pushed out of the house whilst u look after the new baby that’s a lot of them to deal with.
Try not to beat yrself up about it, try to do things with the 4 year old that u did b4 the baby was born.
If u need help speak to HV they rnt all the ogres they are made out to be.
If u feel u r getting PND speak to yr gp and get help as soon as u can.
Ignore the comment about the child loving the baby, often this happens and as they get older it all changes.

Four is a hard age to get a first little sibling - not old enough to appreciate the cuteness or to have developed much empathy but plenty old enough to understand why things have suddenly taken a turn for the worse and resent the cause.

It will improve, OP. In the meantime, encourage him to help with the baby, shower him in praise for even the slightest bit of kindness shown, no matter how begrudgingly he does it, and enforce firm and consistent consequences for aggressive behaviour.

This sounds really hard and sleep deprivation makes everything so much worse. But I’ve found from my own experience and that of friends/family that ‘naughty’ behaviour from the older sibling is very common when a new baby comes along. My ds was 3 when dd was born, he was absolutely fine for 2 weeks - loved the new baby. Then he turned into the devil’s child seemingly overnight. We had about 10/12 weeks of pure hell. Really terrible behaviour like I’d never seen from him before. At one point he grabbed the back of dds bouncy chair and bounced it up and down so hard I thought he was going to seriously hurt her. Then, after around 10/12 weeks of this, thing’s suddenly improved. I don’t really know why, he just sort of got used to our new situation. Many friends and family have experienced very similar things. I know that doesn’t help right now, but things will improve with time.

My brother was born when I was 5. I was completely indifferent to him. I didn't try to hurt him .I just ignored him for several years. still have some letters he wrote to me when I was At University.

OP, include 4yo as much as you can. Pass the nappy, hold the baby, get the milk ready, let's sing baby a song, can we make baby laugh, play peekaboo etc.
I was 5 when my DSis was born, and that's how my mum tried to include me without making me feel like I've been pushed to the side. And our time was during Dsis naps. Housework, cooking etc pushed to the side because that's not important right now.

Of course a 4yo is much more independent than a baby, but might feel like "mummy loves someone else more than me", because you do more for a baby, which is not the case at all.

Thanks for all your help everyone, really helps to hear that I'm not alone with this. Sounds like time will help, so that's reassuring at least

Op my DD hated the baby too. She was almost 3, and for many months whenever she spoke to the baby or about her, she had gritted teeth. I think it’s quite natural but obviously upsetting for us! I can’t remember when it improved - to be honest now at 7 and 4, the older one does not adore her sister like some siblings do. I wish she did but it’s not her and I think we have to try and accept our kids as they are (while putting boundaries around unacceptable behaviour).

We had a book called ‘aren’t you lucky’ about a child who did not feel lucky about the baby, might be worth a shout to validate how he’s feeling and help him discuss it with you? https://www.amazon.co.uk/Arent-You-Lucky-Baby-Story/dp/1782952306/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=2YE0ZE6WOTQU0&keywords=aren%27t+you+lucky&qid=1681301421&sprefix=arent+yo%2Caps%2C102&sr=8-1

@Easterfunbun why are you so unpleasant

Your kids might be well behaved but you appear to be utterly ghastly