To not want to be a mother anymore

[summerfinn]

I had my first ds at 21 , my boyfriend at the time disappeared as soon as told him. I couldn't go through with an abortion. My parents told me they will support and help me. That didn't happen. I got a place in university and couldn't go because no Chilcare was supplied and I couldn't afford to pay. My mother refused to help. I was then kicked out of the family home when DS was 1 . I struggled for many years living on benefits and all my hopes and dreams seemed impossible.

Fast forward to now I have had a another DS with my partner. He's 3 . I have no family support and we can't afford childcare. So once again my life is on hold but my DP works full time and is progressing in his career. I have had no time to have anything in this life for myself. I'm 36 and have a three year old and feel like I'm reliving it all over again. My 15 year old is almost reared.

I feel like walking away from it all. I'm depressed and unhappy. We don't have much money , don't own our own house and don't go anywhere. Iv had enough. I'm worn out my whole life has been a struggle . I'm going to kill myself if I have to live another life in this miserable existence.

I'm sorry you're struggling @summerfinn . Have you talked to your partner? Do they know how hard you're finding things?

Why can you have no time to yourself? Would looking for work once you get the free hours help? You get 30 free if you're both working and can get UC help too to cover CC costs.

Could you afford a weekend away with friends to recharge?

When will he qualify for funded nursery hours? Shouldn’t be long now he’s 3.

Funded childcare will be in place soon.

Education is always there through college or open university. Funding for extra childcare hours is usually available through colleges and unis

I had another child because at the time DP promised us that before our son was born he would buy us this big house and that his family would help out with childcare ect. He gave me picture of a great life with an abundance of family support, a big house and holidays. None of the above has happened. I'm worn out and suicidal.

Get yrself to yr GP.

If you’re suicidal you need to contact your GP for an emergency appointment. You could also talk to your health visitor.

As pps said please reach out for support for your mental health asap

You need to speak to the GP and get on some medical treatment. It is difficult to see issues as they are when you’re depressed and that needs to be top priority.

You sound so sad. I’m sorry. I worry for you. I think you need urgently to see your GP.
There is a lot of truth in the saying that it is always darkest before dawn. Your younger child will be in nursery, then school. This is the year to really think carefully about the life you would like. Write it all down, your hopes, strengths interests. Do lots of thinking. If you want to go to University, you can, you will qualify for a loan. I went, and had a profession, but then trained as a gardener and it brought much more pleasure.
The lack of support when younger is really sad, but you should feel very proud that you have raised your older child and built secure foundations by yourself.
When everything seems bleak, it can also help to set tiny achievable targets, what would bring a bit of joy into your life? Could you go for a walk and see the blossom and bluebells, could you face paint your child? Could you go to your library and see if they have any resources for women returning to the workplace.
I really dont think that motherhood is the issue here. It is a slog, and it’s harder in the holidays, especially with such a big age gap, but they aren’t holding you back, what may be is a kind of bleak pessimism that everything’s always been shit and it will carry on being so. You might need some help to come through that and start realising all your lovely potential.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.

You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Thanks everyone.

You really need to seek professional help with this. If your dc is 3 and you are in the UK they are entitled to free childcare hours. Even just to give yourself a break.

Sorry you're feeling this way OP. What were you doing whilst your now teenager started funded nursery hours then school? You'll soon have funded hours for your now 3yo, if not already, so a great time to reignite those dreams when you'll hopefully have a little more time to focus on yourself.
Has your DP given any reason for you not to believe that you'll eventually have the house and life you both dream of? These things take time to achieve but it sounds like he's trying by working full time and progressing in his career.
I echo others suggestions to visit your GP for support as well in the meantime.

I'm sorry to hear how you feel, and it's tough when you feel like you arent achieving what you wanted. But you should be very proud of what you have achieved.

You say dc is 3. They should get 15 hrs free term time funding now. And if you start work you should qualify for 30 hrs free funded childcare.

Is there any way you could work around your partner to avoid childcare costs? We did/do this. I work in a nursery term time and dh worked evenings/nights. Whilst we have local family our parents are still working so have never been in a position to help with childcare.

I'm in Ireland and not entitled to any free childcare until September. I wouldn't qualify for anything else as DPS salary is above the threshold. I have gone to my gp the waiting lists for therapy are up to a year long and that's private, The two private psychiatric hospitals won't see me as I have a long history of depression and am to complicated a case apparently. The public system is awful and long waiting lists and change around of doctors every 6 months. I'm on two different antidepressants they don't do anything.

I just want to crawl into a hole and die. My life is so sad. I worked part time when DS 15 started school. Nothing great just admin jobs .

I see that my previous message was deleted. Apologies - it was an honest question to understand what has happened and your response provides context.

It is very difficult to carry the burden of being a mother with an unsupportive partner (as it sounds like you have)and I am sorry that this has happened to you.

I have used online counseling in the past (specifically Betterhelp). My online therapist helped me during the darkest time in my life dealing with my abusive ex. This is not a free service, but is almost instant access and extremely easy to access.

September may feel like a long time away, but the summer months can pass quickly and you can make it, one day at a time.