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Parenting

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Original poster

What is a reasonable punishment?

39 replies

sugarplumfairy28 · 06/04/2023 22:20

DS is 14, he has depression and self esteem issues, he has suffered terrible bullying in the past, and goes to regular therapy sessions. He is quite an angry boy, but he is smart and a great archer. I will of course be talking to his therapist about this.

Today DH and I had to nip out for an hour, while we were out DS thought it would be a great game to throw kitchen knives (small ones) around the kitchen. DD was in the room and we have a number of cats running around. Our kitchen is only 18 months old, it took a huge amount of hard work and money and we had hoped it would last 15/20 years. We have 2 high gloss 2 metre high cupboard doors which now have fairly deep holes in.

I am beyond angry! I have told him I will talk to him tomorrow about a punishment/s. What he did was so dangerous, he could have hurt himself, his sister or any of the cats, and shows a complete lack of respect for our things and our hard work. How would you deal with this? What is a reasonable punishment?

OP posts:

Phineyj · 06/04/2023 22:22

I think he should pay towards replacing the cupboard doors.

7Worfs · 06/04/2023 22:23

He needs to pay for the repair/replacement with chores and savings/pocket money.

NonJeNeRegretteRien · 06/04/2023 22:25

Kevin was great at archery too…👀

Redebs · 06/04/2023 22:27

I'm not into punishment, but a serious talk about knife play is needed here. Don't want to scare you, but knives, self harm and carrying one are often related.

He can be involved in repair and repainting, but I think his mental health is the real issue here.

NuffSaidSam · 06/04/2023 22:27

How old is DD?

Talk to him calmly about why he did it. It seems like an attention grabbing thing to me. Or a moment of complete insanity.

I agree he needs to pay to have the doors replaced. I'd also think twice before leaving him home alone again. Those are good logical consequences of his actions, he loses your trust and he pays to put right the damage he caused.

carriedout · 06/04/2023 22:35

He needs to contribute to the cost of replacing but either a) he's made a silly mistake or b) this is deeply worrying. In either scenario 'punishment' is not going to help you or him.

You need to focus on understanding wtf is going on with him, really.

WishingMyLifeAway · 07/04/2023 00:39

NonJeNeRegretteRien · 06/04/2023 22:25

Kevin was great at archery too…👀

I had that exact same thought!!! 😳

caringcarer · 07/04/2023 02:04

I'd take away all electronics (computer, gaming, TV, phone) for a month. A punishment has to hurt to work as a deterrent not to do it again. I'd explain why what he did could have killed his sister or a cat. I'd explain how hard you saved up to buy the kitchen. I'd tell him I was very disappointed in his behaviour as I wanted to be able to treat him as more responsible. Really I'd be very worried as it is not in any way a normal behaviour. Does he do other risky things? Could it be massive attention seeking? I'd be speaking to his therapist too.

Original poster

sugarplumfairy28 · 07/04/2023 09:11

Thanks everyone. DD is 12 tomorrow, my parents live downstairs so I thought we were OK leaving them both at home. DS does have a bit of an attention seeking phase going on, very complicated so I won't go into it, but he shrugs us off anytime we try to anything at all with him or for him. In general he can be a bit brainless and not think things through but I am told this is fairly normal.

I have a longlist of chores he can do to pay off the damage, its not something that can be repaired. I will be taking away his PC and games for consoles for the rest of the holidays. He will still have access to TV, his phone and his archery range but the PC will hurt.

OP posts:

Luckypoppy · 07/04/2023 10:13

I'd be inclined to take away the archery range also due to the nature of his behaviour.

Singleandproud · 07/04/2023 10:20

I wouldnt never leave him home alone for the foreseeable future as he is not mature enough and has lost your trust.
The nature of the incident means you take the archery range away, he is not safe enough to be trusted, and instead I'd take him to an archery club where he is fully supervised.
I would get him out and about doing supervised chores, it'll get him the attention he needs and achieving something is good for self esteem and being out in nature good for depression. So flyers through neighbours doors £5 a grass cut and garden tidy, £3 car wash etc until the cost of the damage is paid off.

Eggseggseverywhere · 07/04/2023 10:21

His prized possession is his phone and yet you let him keep that? How come?

Singleandproud · 07/04/2023 10:23

Sorry my keyboard was jumping around

I would not leave him unsupervised for the foreseeable future.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/04/2023 10:24

How does DD feel about the whole episode?

Because damaging property and throwing knives would be domestic abuse if everything was older. If she wanted him to stop and he didn't, that's worse.

isthewashingdryyet · 07/04/2023 10:25

I actually think you need to involve the police, if you saw a teen throwing knives outside the home, this what you would do. I think this could be a precursor to a very violent attack from him onto one of you.
Police, please, for his sake and yours.

isthewashingdryyet · 07/04/2023 10:28

If a partner or spouse had done this, the whole of mumsnet would be screaming call the police right now and throw him out.

he is showing you who he is, so believe him. And get away from him, this is beyond a thoughtless teenage boy prank

SnarkyBag · 07/04/2023 10:31

I hope your dd mentions it’s to school and they involve social services. Sounds like you’re more concerned about the damage to a few kitchen doors than the fact your dd could have been hurt or worse. I would consider what your dd has experienced to be a form of domestic violence and abuse. Your response is shockingly casual to be honest.

Dancemonkee · 07/04/2023 10:32

Buy him two, 2 metre high closs cupboard doors for Christmas.

SweetSakura · 07/04/2023 10:32

I don't think you should be leaving him alone in the house with your DD ever again.

And I think this goes beyond needing punishment (although I prefer consequences -paying for the repairs). I think this is a sign proper interventions are needed.

Nimbostratus100 · 07/04/2023 10:32

he pays for new doors however long that takes

he is never left at home again, and comes with you on every trip out you do

he loses internet and phone.

give him a phone call only phone if he needs to make calls, but restrict it

MichelleScarn · 07/04/2023 10:37

Nimbostratus100 · 07/04/2023 10:32

he pays for new doors however long that takes

he is never left at home again, and comes with you on every trip out you do

he loses internet and phone.

give him a phone call only phone if he needs to make calls, but restrict it

Agree with this, bog standard text/call only phone, no social media.
And all knives and kitchen tools locked away now.

EJRB · 07/04/2023 10:45

I personally do not think ‘punishments’ is the way of dealing with this

this behaviour - throwing knives around a kitchen - is NOT normal healthy behaviour, and you’re thinking of punishing that rather than getting to the bottom of why he did it? You’ve already described him as angry, perhaps you need different therapy for him, I just don’t think any 14 year old in a normal frame of mind would behave like this, and so therefore a punishment is not going to do anything other than make him feel worse. I would perhaps call the dr or therapist, but not punish him.

BubziOwl · 07/04/2023 10:49

I agree that this feels above the pay grade of punishments, I'd be very concerned about this behaviour

EstherHazy · 07/04/2023 10:51

Gosh I really feel for you OP, you're clearly doing a lot right getting DS the therapy etc - it sounds really upsetting. I remember reading about the teenage brain quite recently and how advanced it is but also reckless as self-preservation isn't a thing for the brain during that period.

I'd say as you've already implemented some sanctions like the gaming etc, definitely use the return of these privileges as another opportunity to talk - don't just automatically give them back, use the end of the period to talk about it again. You'll both be able to talk about it more rationally / less emotionally further away from the incident and keep to the most relevant points.

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 07/04/2023 10:55

EJRB · 07/04/2023 10:45

I personally do not think ‘punishments’ is the way of dealing with this

This Op.

i have a just 15 yr old ND DS so im
more familiar with teenage boys than I ever wanted to be.

Either he was being an idiot in a brain fart moment

he knew exactly how his behaviour would make his sister and DPs feel and did it in spite of/because.

Nobody on here knows your son but for the few sentences you wrote. However, your mention of his mental health and moods makes me more likely to suspect the second option.

Check his social media, there is a shit ton of terribly unpleasant incel type stuff out there.

Can you afford private therapy? If not I’d be contacting social care and the school to get help. In fact I think I’d do those things regardless.

You want to prevent this escalating. I don’t think that taking his stuff away will help that. Do try to block stuff on your router if possible tho.

Sorry you’re going through this. It seems like one thing after another this parenting lark, doesn’t it. Don’t minimise what he’s done though amd try to keep ways of communication open if at all possible.

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