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Original poster

What is a reasonable punishment?

39 replies

sugarplumfairy28 · 06/04/2023 22:20

DS is 14, he has depression and self esteem issues, he has suffered terrible bullying in the past, and goes to regular therapy sessions. He is quite an angry boy, but he is smart and a great archer. I will of course be talking to his therapist about this.

Today DH and I had to nip out for an hour, while we were out DS thought it would be a great game to throw kitchen knives (small ones) around the kitchen. DD was in the room and we have a number of cats running around. Our kitchen is only 18 months old, it took a huge amount of hard work and money and we had hoped it would last 15/20 years. We have 2 high gloss 2 metre high cupboard doors which now have fairly deep holes in.

I am beyond angry! I have told him I will talk to him tomorrow about a punishment/s. What he did was so dangerous, he could have hurt himself, his sister or any of the cats, and shows a complete lack of respect for our things and our hard work. How would you deal with this? What is a reasonable punishment?

OP posts:
Birdsongsinging · 07/04/2023 11:00

EJRB · 07/04/2023 10:45

I personally do not think ‘punishments’ is the way of dealing with this

this behaviour - throwing knives around a kitchen - is NOT normal healthy behaviour, and you’re thinking of punishing that rather than getting to the bottom of why he did it? You’ve already described him as angry, perhaps you need different therapy for him, I just don’t think any 14 year old in a normal frame of mind would behave like this, and so therefore a punishment is not going to do anything other than make him feel worse. I would perhaps call the dr or therapist, but not punish him.

Totally agree. Punishment may well escalate his difficulties. He needs understanding and help.

Birdsongsinging · 07/04/2023 11:01

SweetSakura · 07/04/2023 10:32

I don't think you should be leaving him alone in the house with your DD ever again.

And I think this goes beyond needing punishment (although I prefer consequences -paying for the repairs). I think this is a sign proper interventions are needed.

Agree with both.

Singapore4 · 07/04/2023 11:21

EJRB · 07/04/2023 10:45

I personally do not think ‘punishments’ is the way of dealing with this

this behaviour - throwing knives around a kitchen - is NOT normal healthy behaviour, and you’re thinking of punishing that rather than getting to the bottom of why he did it? You’ve already described him as angry, perhaps you need different therapy for him, I just don’t think any 14 year old in a normal frame of mind would behave like this, and so therefore a punishment is not going to do anything other than make him feel worse. I would perhaps call the dr or therapist, but not punish him.

Exactly this. He's clearly unwell. No point OP taking punishments too far.

aNewYorkerInLondon · 07/04/2023 11:25

I agree with PP that this is very worrying behavior and that the damages to the kitchen are the least concerning bit.

Does your son have friends that are similarly contemptuous and antisocial? You've also mentioned bullying. It might be a situation where you need to remove the influence of his peers.

There is an interesting book, "Hold On to Your Kids," by Dr. Gordon Neufeld, which might give some additional perspective on what's going on in your son's brain.

I do think this is more serious than you're making it out to be, but I also believe that you're in a very scary spot with no sure answers. If you can get some family therapy, especially with a relationships/attachment focused therapist, I think it would help.

Original poster
sugarplumfairy28 · 07/04/2023 12:31

I do think it was a brainless childish game, not something more thought out, he has never done something so dangerous. He apparently put up a target, a piece of cardboard to 'protect' the cupboards and was throwing the knives at that. DD doesn't seem to care either way, she is not bothered by him or his actions, she was more bothered by the telling off and drama that followed.

I'm not taking archery away because it is his therapy, and I mean that literally. He does 2 therapy sessions per week, one is specifically archery to help him focus, to give him an outlet, give him something to direct his anger at, and something to build his confidence. He has a bow with a sufficient draw weight it could kill a person, but he is incredibly respectful of his bow and equipment. It is kept in a safe place, he only ever uses it appropriately and supervised and he never messes around with it. He also has a knife (to remove embedded arrows) and he treats it with nothing but respect, I check every day that it is where it is supposed to be.

I will be talking to his therapist, who has a very good relationship with him. I have given him chores to do so he might understand the amount of effort it takes to earn things. I have taken his PC (and console games) away because that is the most important thing to him and to remove any violence that stems from games. He will also have to be dragged out every time we go out, he will have earn back trust.

He has very few friends, generally gets on better with girls but he is finding teenage girl drama too stressful. In our village he has one friend, he is older but very nice.

OP posts:
isthewashingdryyet · 07/04/2023 13:23

You are minimising like a parent. Imagine it was his best mate that had done this.
your son is dangerous

LIZS · 07/04/2023 13:41

It was beyond stupid. Fortunately no-one go in it the way. Is he sorry about the damage and worry he has caused? Did he not think to stop when he cause the first mark? Why has he still got his phone, can he pay for replacement doors?

Sundaefraise · 07/04/2023 13:48

isthewashingdryyet · 07/04/2023 10:28

If a partner or spouse had done this, the whole of mumsnet would be screaming call the police right now and throw him out.

he is showing you who he is, so believe him. And get away from him, this is beyond a thoughtless teenage boy prank

Are you kidding?? This is her child. He needs help.

Op I think you are focusing on the wrong thing. That’s not normal behavior for a 14 year old. The only one I’ve come across who engaged in dangerous behavior like that was quite disturbed (violent home life - not suggesting that is the case here). There is something going on - you need to get to the bottom of it before something worse happens.

Original poster
sugarplumfairy28 · 07/04/2023 14:03

@isthewashingdryyet with all due respect he is 14, how am I meant to 'get away from him' exactly? He has never hurt anyone before, never shown any dangerous warning signs, does well at school, has been through a lot with regards to bullying and has shown amazing restraint, this is the first act of complete stupidity. I am very aware of how dangerous this was, the damage and complete lack of thought or respect, but he is 14, I am his mother and I can't just throw him out the door based on one incident.

Like I said I will be talking to his therapist, someone who is qualified to help him with any psychological problems I can't 'see'. But I don't want to skip the parenting steps and rely on a therapist, so removal of some stuff and chores to help repay the damage.

@LIZS he still has his phone because he needs it for school, for school projects, changes to timetables, for emails from teachers, and to work on group stuff. We don't live in the UK and our holidays are slightly different, he can either use his PC or his phone for the school stuff (and yes he has stuff for the holidays), he is more invested in the PC, so I took that.

OP posts:
cisisaslur · 07/04/2023 14:07

NonJeNeRegretteRien · 06/04/2023 22:25

Kevin was great at archery too…👀

OMFG I was just thinking this 😬

custardbear · 07/04/2023 14:07

You need to talk to his therapist. My DD14 has issues too and it's hard to know how best to handle sometimes without them going south. But what he did was unacceptable! Good luck

IceMagic · 07/04/2023 15:16

I think talk to the therapist too (I assume they are well qualified and accredited.) If he suffered terrible bullying as you say, it's a type of abuse, hence the anger and extreme behaviour.

LlamasUnited · 07/04/2023 15:24

I don’t think ‘punishment’ is very helpful generally, and particularly not here. He clearly needs serious help and understanding to get to the root of what’s going on. You need to make him feel safe so he can talk to you properly, not escalate everything with punishment which will make him more angry and isolated. Agree with not leaving him in the house unattended.

lorisparkle · 07/04/2023 16:29

I ask my teens what the consequences of their actions should be. We talk about what they have done and I ask them why they think it was a bad idea. I find by getting them involved they often suggest more severe consequences than I would have.

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