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Original poster

DP escalating behaviour with child

42 replies

HowWhatWhyWhen · 05/04/2023 11:30

Long time lurker but first time poster. Apologies, this is a long one.

I have a 3,5 year old and am currently expecting my second. I've been having a number of arguments with DP on how we should discipline our son. Our son is currently being assessed for ADHD/Autism (GP and nursery have aired concerns, hence the asessment). He is a lovely boy but he is slightly speech delayed and when he does have a meltdown, they are rather intense and that is putting it mildly. Screaming, kicking, biting, often lasting up to an hour. Whereby that point he is so exhausted, he will fall asleep. DP and I however have a very different approach on how to discipline our child. When my son is being naughty, I'd rather tell him so and put him in time out for a few minutes or when he is having a meltdown caused by some sort of sensory overload, I believe in comforting him since that is the quickest way to make the meltdown stop.

DP cannot handle the crying and meltdowns at all. He says I am far too soft on him. Calls him "a Hitler", a horrible little shit and so on. Mainly when he is experiencing a meltdown or even when he is just playing, well behaved, but being a bit loud. I feel as if sometimes our son cannot even breathe without DP getting annoyed with him. He will usually get in our son's face, scream at him to stop, taunt him, when LO inevitably gets even more upset, my DP decides to smack him repeatedly on his bum or his hand and repeats he is horrible and naughty. DP's behaviour has become a daily occurence now. I have talked to him numerous times about how uncomfortable this makes me and how he is teaching his child that violence is okay when it obviously isn't but he will not accept that his way of "discipline" isn't right imo and that "a good smack" is fine because this is the way he was raised, he sees it as the right & proper way to raise a child.

DP will also regularly taunt me with the "good luck being a single mum" because he knows I don't have a lot of friends or family support if I were to walk away. I would most definitely be on my own. DP does have a history of anxiety and depression and was diagnosed with bipolar approx 5 years ago, which doesn't help his behaviour. But his behaviour has made me resent him, I worry about the effect that this will have on our children so although I know it will be hard, I would rather walk away. My main concern is DP having the kids on his own. I worry what he will do when I am not there to stop it since he does have a temper. Is there a way to only have supervised contact when I do leave him? Anyone who has gone through a similar experience? Any advice would be welcomed. Thank you.

OP posts:
ofasphodel · 05/04/2023 11:31

Contact Women's Aid, make a plan, and get out as fast as you can. Good luck lovely, you and your kids deserve so much better.

Eggseggseverywhere · 05/04/2023 11:33

If he lays a finger on your ds you ring the police op.
Your ds is not being being naughty btw.
He has SN. The quicker your dp accepts that the better..
Ime being a single dm is a lot better than living in an abusive relationship with your dc.

FrenchandSaunders · 05/04/2023 11:33

I bet your sons behaviour would improve dramatically if his dad moved out.

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Wnikat · 05/04/2023 11:38

You can't let this man hit your child every day. Worry about contact later (something tells me he won't bother taking you to court and if he does then he hits your kid every day so I imagine supervised contact only would be awarded). Get the poor kid away from being abused every single day.

cestlavielife · 05/04/2023 11:38

Tell your hv and nurseryvwhat you said here
Ask for support

Your dp needs to leave and seek help if he dver acknowledges his issues

He is a bully (regardless of excuses)
A massive adult bullying a small child

If he wont leave then you need to

cestlavielife · 05/04/2023 11:39

Ask about behaviour support specific to asd sn etc

Original poster
HowWhatWhyWhen · 05/04/2023 11:40

Thank you for the replies. I know his behaviour is unacceptable. But he often makes me doubt myself, makes me out that I am crazy for thinking smacking isn't the right way to discipline a child. And yes, I am making plans to leave. I feel as if I have failed my DS already. The guilt is immense.

OP posts:
pickledandpuzzled · 05/04/2023 11:47

Good luck being a single mum, you'll be fab at it an it's so much easier than having to manage a dead weight partner as well.

Your poor DS.

AmandaHoldensLips · 05/04/2023 11:54

Have you told anyone in your / his family that he hits his child and says awful things to him?

Don't keep this situation to yourself. People need to know what he's like. And you need to make a plan for ending the marriage unless he's prepared to do some serious work on himself and change.

adamsaboutnothing · 05/04/2023 12:01

What an awful read. Your poor son. Smacking a child everyday is abuse, think of the pain he is in. You can't "plan" to leave, you need to go now. Pretty soon your son will be able to disclose what daddy has been doing to him, and then it'll come out that you haven't protected him. Then what?

uncertainalice · 05/04/2023 12:05

Good luck being a single mum as @pickledandpuzzled says, I am one too after leaving my X for just this kind of behaviour. And do you know what, my DC are much, much easier to manage, they're much more relaxed and happier and so am I.

You'll be fine love, you haven't failed your DS (but I know it feels like that) as you are taking steps to get him away from his dreadful father...I promise it is so, so much easier when you don't have to manage your "D"H's behaviour as well as your child's.

Venturini · 05/04/2023 12:06

adamsaboutnothing · 05/04/2023 12:01

What an awful read. Your poor son. Smacking a child everyday is abuse, think of the pain he is in. You can't "plan" to leave, you need to go now. Pretty soon your son will be able to disclose what daddy has been doing to him, and then it'll come out that you haven't protected him. Then what?

Agreed, you need to get out now, as soon as you possibly can Even if it means staying in an Airbnb or hotel while you get yourself organised and contact women’s aid etc. If he does that again to your son I would phone the police. It will get even worse once the new baby arrives so you have to act now. Good luck

uncertainalice · 05/04/2023 12:08

just read the last bit of your post - get all of this logged with the GP as that will help you when it comes to sorting out the child arrangements; you will have proof of your husband's temper and your concerns about it. If your husband has ever had help with his temper through anger management classes or similar get that recorded too.

You may find that he won't want to spend much time with your DS when he doesn't "have to", or that his behaviour isn't as bad when it's just the two of them, but stack all the cards in your favour by having as much of this on official records as possible, so it's not just your word against his.

endofthelinefinally · 05/04/2023 12:09

uncertainalice · 05/04/2023 12:05

Good luck being a single mum as @pickledandpuzzled says, I am one too after leaving my X for just this kind of behaviour. And do you know what, my DC are much, much easier to manage, they're much more relaxed and happier and so am I.

You'll be fine love, you haven't failed your DS (but I know it feels like that) as you are taking steps to get him away from his dreadful father...I promise it is so, so much easier when you don't have to manage your "D"H's behaviour as well as your child's.

Agree with this. Your poor son is being subjected to so much stress, physical and verbal abuse. Things can only improve if you get him away from this abusive man.

pinkyredrose · 05/04/2023 12:10

He is a bad father, he's abusing your son. Do you think he'll even want to have the kids on his own if you split? He doesn't seem to want your son around.

Duckingella · 05/04/2023 12:18

If your husband walked up to someone on the street and smacked them on the arse or hand he'd be arrested for assault.Smacking is illegal in the UK;this isn't discipline it's abuse.If your DS tells an adult at nursery that daddy hits him you'll have social services on your doorstep.

He has an issue with your child's ASD.This won't get better as your child gets older but worse.

You and your DS would do better if you were a single mum;your DH is an absolute cunt.

Snugglemonkey · 05/04/2023 12:22

He is abusing your child and you are allowing it to happen, so a collaborating in this abuse. Seek help from women's aid and leave. If he touches your son, ring the police.

Duckingella · 05/04/2023 12:22

And if you leave contact SS and tell them why you've left and that your scared of him having the kids alone and why.Supervised visits can take place in a contact centre.I wouldn't be surprised if he only wants contact with the baby or no contact at all.Also make sure you get in touch with CMS

Bookworms77 · 05/04/2023 12:23

I don’t know your son so can’t say just from your op but before your son undergoes any assessment for ND or sen ,you need to inform your gp and nursery what has been happening in your home. Your son may actually be suffering trauma and delays because of his environment not because he has additional needs. If you don’t tell them he could be misdiagnosed. Symptoms can look the same.

When children suffer abuse such as what your son is experiencing they have raised cortisol and remain permanently in fight or flight and this is damaging to their development and health now and in the future. The damage can be life long in some cases and include people being more likely to suffer health conditions such as heart disease and of course mental health problems.

This is not your fault but unfortunately only you can prevent your child suffering anymore trauma and pain. That needs to happen today. Give your son a fighting chance in life, allow him the chance to thrive and meet his potential don’t allow him to be permanently damaged. It’s not going to be easy but it will be better than living like this.

UB40andaglassofwine · 05/04/2023 12:26

Your poor son. Please don't let your son be in a situation where he is being abused. He hasn't got a voice OP. You are his voice! And you are allowing this to happen all the time your husband is around. Good luck

Thoughtful2355 · 05/04/2023 12:32

well done on letting him abuse youre son.

Now Leave before you give him this other child to abuse.

piedbeauty · 05/04/2023 12:33

ofasphodel · 05/04/2023 11:31

Contact Women's Aid, make a plan, and get out as fast as you can. Good luck lovely, you and your kids deserve so much better.

This.

HE IS ABUSING YOUR SON. he has to go

Original poster
HowWhatWhyWhen · 05/04/2023 12:33

Bookworms77 · 05/04/2023 12:23

I don’t know your son so can’t say just from your op but before your son undergoes any assessment for ND or sen ,you need to inform your gp and nursery what has been happening in your home. Your son may actually be suffering trauma and delays because of his environment not because he has additional needs. If you don’t tell them he could be misdiagnosed. Symptoms can look the same.

When children suffer abuse such as what your son is experiencing they have raised cortisol and remain permanently in fight or flight and this is damaging to their development and health now and in the future. The damage can be life long in some cases and include people being more likely to suffer health conditions such as heart disease and of course mental health problems.

This is not your fault but unfortunately only you can prevent your child suffering anymore trauma and pain. That needs to happen today. Give your son a fighting chance in life, allow him the chance to thrive and meet his potential don’t allow him to be permanently damaged. It’s not going to be easy but it will be better than living like this.

Thank you for this. This has actually given me the reality check I needed. I have made excuses for DP's behaviour for too long mainly because of his own MH issues and his dysfunctional childhood. But you're right, I can't allow him to continue to do this to our son. And I wouldn't want my son to treat his children like this in x amount of years from now. I really do appreciate you taking the time to write this. Thank you.

OP posts:
phoenixbiscuits · 05/04/2023 12:35

I am a lone parent after an abusive relationship and life is better alone. Bookworms is right. My daughter isn't diagnosed with anything, but she's behind on her milestones and a little distant and she was right on track until things went downhill with her dad. I guess I don't know the future and I don't know if it's nature or nurture, but a couple of months on and she's come so far. Even after a week she had improved dramatically.

Thesharkradar · 05/04/2023 12:39

HowWhatWhyWhen · 05/04/2023 11:40

Thank you for the replies. I know his behaviour is unacceptable. But he often makes me doubt myself, makes me out that I am crazy for thinking smacking isn't the right way to discipline a child. And yes, I am making plans to leave. I feel as if I have failed my DS already. The guilt is immense.

I am very shocked at this man's behaviour, please don't blame yourself, this man has gaslit you and messed with your head but you must wake up and protect your child. This is very very bad, he's a danger, please take action, I wouldn't provoke him just get as far away from him as you possibly can.