Crisis of confidence after threats from neighbour

[Lolapicklepup]

I (28f) and my husband (31m) have a gorgeous DS (17months).
He’s very clever and loving, but as with all toddlers, comes with difficulties.
He sleeps through the night for about 2-3 weeks and then will have the odd one or two nights where he’s very restless and wakes a lot. He’s teething, constantly catching illnesses from nursery and started going through a seperation anxiety stage where he only wants me and it can be very full on with days of wingeing, crying, tantrums, fighting naps.

Our joined next door neighbours are in their 50s and do not have children, however, the woman works from home and they have a HUGE issue with any noise.
They’ve been round before in the middle of the day to tell us to stop decorating (we’d taken a few days AL to decorate the nursery before ds arrived) because it was noisy during work hours and they had issues with the previous owners children who would have piano lessons at 6pm in the evening due to them being able to hear it. They’re also very creepy, the husband has pushed his way into the house very early in the morning when I was home alone(closing the front door behind him) to tell me DS (7 weeks old at the time) had woken them up in the night and then wanted to hug it out with me saying “give me a cuddle” and putting his arms around me, they’ve broken into our garden and searched our shed when their cat went missing despite being told not to come into the property without permission. We put a big lock on the gate to stop them being able to get in so he removed a fence panel. We both own our houses. (There’s a long string of issues where they have overstepped and never apologised).

Last week, DS was very unsettled with his teeth and my husband and I just couldn’t get him to nap despite him being very tired. We’d try everything and it lead to DS getting very upset. We got a knock at the door by the neighbour, telling us he could be heard on zoom calls, was affecting her business and “as a woman, it was her duty to call social services on us unless we keep him quiet”. I explained this was normal behaviour for a toddler, he wasn’t well and we were doing our best, but she told me he was the worst child she’d ever known, he screams too much and no other child is as bad as him.

I was devastated. I know I’m doing the best I can with my son. Nursery say what a wonderful, calm and happy child he is, family love seeing him and he’s so funny. But I’m having a total crisis of confidence. They’d literally threatened us to have him taken away (which I know won’t happen but it’s the worst thing you could hear as a parent).

I’m currently 4+ months pregnant with planned baby two but now I’m worried how we will cope with a toddler and crying baby if we’re getting threatened by noise during the day constantly?
Everytime my son cries I get panicked to keep him quiet as quickly as possible and it’s leading to bad habits of him having a bottle again overnight when he wakes or us getting up very early in the morning with him instead of letting him self settle.

Sorry about the long post, I just needed to let it out. My husband is so so supportive and furious at the neighbours but it doesn’t help my feelings when he’s at work and I’m home all day by myself trying to cope and terrified about another knock on the door or them forcing their way into the house.

Oh FFS, don’t try and get to know these weirdos. Just take what you have to the police and report them. They’re threatening you and the coming into your own home and trying to hug you thing is predatory AF!!! I would want the police to know about that before the kids are big enough to wander around the garden, etc. Then there was property damage… Did they even really have a cat or are they just vicious and bonkers?

I think if you have attached neighbours you do need to do what you can to minimise crying, even if that means getting up earlier. Can you change position of cot/ bedroom/ put carpet down etc to minimise noise? It’s difficult to tell who is being unreasonable- they could be intolerant or you could be letting you child cry for extended periods!
did they ask whether they could enter your garden to search for the cat? It wouldn’t be an unreasonable request if they did ask

They are old enough to be your parents and probably see you as kids who are an easy target. Are your parents around? My mum would be straight round there and I’d let her.

If you don’t want to involve the police have lots of visitor's. Spend time with them in your garden and let them see you have lots of support and people popping in and out.

WHAT THE ABSOLUTE FUCK????? 😳😳😳😳

I second the ring door bell and keeping a diary of ALL instances.
Then, I would remind your neighbour that is she’s such a professional woman she can hire an office like everyone does.
If she likes WFH then she puts up with noises within sociable hours which are 8am to 10pm legally.

In fact, I WOULD actually start renovating something out of spite.

Also, I would mention this at your hospital appointments that you’re stressed and anxious as your neighbour is frightening you and threatening Social services. Make them write this in your notes so that if anything does happen there is a pattern and they will be ignored.

SC would do nothing, but they can be stressful to deal with and if you get a social worker that acts as if you’re guilty until proven innocent it can be so stressful and unnecessary.

I’d also ring somewhere like citizens advice to see if the collection of these behaviours would amount to harassment?
not sure if this is too “silly” for the police to take on - I imagine they’ve got bigger fish to fry unfortunately 😓.

good luck OP

Sorry meant SS (Social services) not SC! 🙈

He sounds like a perv at best, forcing his way into your home and forcing unwanted physical contact (I'd personally say this is a HUGE warning sign) and they both sound totally deranged and not suited to ordinary life, why did the previous neighbours leave? Some good advice on here though, I sincerely hope you can find a solution. In the meantime have as little to do with them and make your home as secure as you can.

I agree with a PP that suggests you should be more assertive.

What they are doing is playing the 'I'm older and been here longer than you, so have the right to lord it over you' card. They are absolutely overstepping normal boundaries and bullying you.

I'm old now, but 40 years ago I had neighbours similar (not as bad) and one day just had enough of their disrespect and stood up to them. This is what you and your DH must do and I bet they'll start to think twice about complaining.

You have three choices really:

1. Stand up to them
2. Ignore them
3. Move

There's lots of discussion of the first two on here already. What I would say is, if you are at the end of your tether, don't feel ashamed to just move. No, you shouldn't have to. Yes, it's rubbish. But for a less stressful life, there might come a point where you just have to get out of there, and that's OK.

I did this with awful neighbours years ago and never looked back, I was just so relieved to not have to deal with the constant anxiety that I didn't care about how unjust it all was. I was just glad to get away.

Echoing everything that's already been said.

Also, not wanting you to paint during working hours on a weekday?! When exactly would be acceptable to them for you to paint your own house??

Absolute crackers. Keep a record of it all.

Fight fire with fire and keep on as you are. You're living in your home and that's not a crime. As a PP said, if she does report to SS they will need to come and see you so please don't be alarmed. Please call the police about their behaviours so at least you have a record. They sound hideous.

You haven't done anything wrong and neither has your child. It's very normal behaviour for a child of his age and babies do cry. This couple sound unhinged. Honestly is selling and moving away from them an option? Life is too short to be on edge all the time. This ought to be a special time for you and they are impeding on that. I would follow through if you want to stay here and call the police.

Ugh I would honestly move unless you really really can’t for some reason. Life is WAY too short.

Tell them to go ahead and report you, take the wind out of their sails. If it went to environmental health department at the council they will tell them it is normal noise from a child. I used to work next to that department, they said they got all sorts of mad complaints, most of them completely unjustified and usually about a child playing in the garden but not at 5am.

Children make noise, fact. Stop apologising, stop thinking that they have any understanding of child development because chances are they don't. You have a completely normal child. Enjoy your child but I would get a Ring door camera. It records on movement, they don't need to press the bell. Everything you need to fit the camera comes in the box including the drill bit and screw driver. I would also keep a diary of events and list what has gone on before too.

They sound awful. It would really effect my mental health living next to people who made me feel so on edge. How long have they lived there? Do you think they are ever likely to move? He sounds like a bully and the hugging is definitely weird and creepy.
In all honesty, I would probably look to move as they won't get any better. You can ignore them and disengage as much as possible but with someone like this it's likely to annoy them further make them more determined to find ways to get to you.
Definitely keep a log of everything in case ever needed but remember if you start any dispute with neighbour, it might impact things if you did want to sell up and move.

I work from home and next door have a toddler who wakes in the night, has night terrors and consequently struggles with over tiredness in the day. I can hear him cry when I'm in zoom meetings. This impacts me as I have to say 'sorry, that is next door's baby' - then we all move on. I only mention it at all because our company has a clause that we cannot look after our own babies whilst working!

I've chatted with mum, offered advice WHEN ASKED (my dc are older) and that is all.

People make noise. Your neighbours are entirely unreasonable. Keep a record of their harassment and I like the suggestion to get a ring doorbell. Live your life and being up your children. If they hate it they can sell their house and move to a house with no neighbours!!

I would move house rather than put up with feeling like this at home.

I wouldn’t do anything you have to declare. Life’s to short. Put the house on the market. Move

They are harassing her. Isn’t that a criminal thing?

This sounds SO much like my old neighbours. It’s miserable and in the end we had to move, which we wanted to do anyway, but this pushed us forward. At the height of lockdown they’d be screaming over the fence for us letting the children play out in the garden, shouting because the baby, 4 weeks old, was crying, telling us they were going to call the army because we took the children out for walks. It was horrendous. I would phone the police if you have no intention of moving. I was going to but knew I’d have to declare if we moved!

I think I am in team move. Life is too short. Your neighbours are being completely unreasonable obviously, and you shouldn't have to move, but is it really worth living on eggshells for the next 5-10 years?

Your neighbours sound completely unhinged, if they wanted silence they should move to a cottage in the middle of nowhere.

Walls are thin, and life generates noise. If she’s having issues working from home and noise, then that’s her issue not yours. You’re entitled to quiet enjoyment of your life.

I agree and from my own experience , if it’s not this it’ll be something else!!! Even if you were silent, she’d have something else to pick on! People like this just have it ingrained in them to be nasty and horrible and find issues whatever: and often, when you ‘give in’ to them, they have a power trip!

Stop trying to appease them, if they tell you to stop house renovations say no, tell them to jog on. “Fuck off” works well.
Your baby cries…so what, all babies cry, if they want total silence tell them to buy a detached house or ear plugs.
Keep doors locked, keep the chain on.
Get assertive. Most of all stop apologising for living.

I WFH and my NDN built the Taj Mahal of decks that took about 6 months and was horrendously noisy. I wore headphones in zoom meetings and most of the time my colleagues could barely hear a thing.

They sound unhinged. If moving is an option I’d go for it. The people we bought our house from were a nightmare apparently and had reported the neighbours on each side to the police multiple times for ‘noise’. Then we moved in and we are all the best of friends and go on holiday together. Some of the stories they tell are very eye opening- their kids being sprayed with the hose every time they went out in their own back garden, dog poo thrown over the fence (and they didn’t have a dog!!! They were collecting it from somewhere!). Car tyres being let down. Some people need to live in the country with no neighbours if they can’t handle the sound of ordinary life.

If possible - I would suggest moving. You don’t need the stress. With 2 small children it’s likely to get worse.