Crisis of confidence after threats from neighbour

[Lolapicklepup]

I (28f) and my husband (31m) have a gorgeous DS (17months).
He’s very clever and loving, but as with all toddlers, comes with difficulties.
He sleeps through the night for about 2-3 weeks and then will have the odd one or two nights where he’s very restless and wakes a lot. He’s teething, constantly catching illnesses from nursery and started going through a seperation anxiety stage where he only wants me and it can be very full on with days of wingeing, crying, tantrums, fighting naps.

Our joined next door neighbours are in their 50s and do not have children, however, the woman works from home and they have a HUGE issue with any noise.
They’ve been round before in the middle of the day to tell us to stop decorating (we’d taken a few days AL to decorate the nursery before ds arrived) because it was noisy during work hours and they had issues with the previous owners children who would have piano lessons at 6pm in the evening due to them being able to hear it. They’re also very creepy, the husband has pushed his way into the house very early in the morning when I was home alone(closing the front door behind him) to tell me DS (7 weeks old at the time) had woken them up in the night and then wanted to hug it out with me saying “give me a cuddle” and putting his arms around me, they’ve broken into our garden and searched our shed when their cat went missing despite being told not to come into the property without permission. We put a big lock on the gate to stop them being able to get in so he removed a fence panel. We both own our houses. (There’s a long string of issues where they have overstepped and never apologised).

Last week, DS was very unsettled with his teeth and my husband and I just couldn’t get him to nap despite him being very tired. We’d try everything and it lead to DS getting very upset. We got a knock at the door by the neighbour, telling us he could be heard on zoom calls, was affecting her business and “as a woman, it was her duty to call social services on us unless we keep him quiet”. I explained this was normal behaviour for a toddler, he wasn’t well and we were doing our best, but she told me he was the worst child she’d ever known, he screams too much and no other child is as bad as him.

I was devastated. I know I’m doing the best I can with my son. Nursery say what a wonderful, calm and happy child he is, family love seeing him and he’s so funny. But I’m having a total crisis of confidence. They’d literally threatened us to have him taken away (which I know won’t happen but it’s the worst thing you could hear as a parent).

I’m currently 4+ months pregnant with planned baby two but now I’m worried how we will cope with a toddler and crying baby if we’re getting threatened by noise during the day constantly?
Everytime my son cries I get panicked to keep him quiet as quickly as possible and it’s leading to bad habits of him having a bottle again overnight when he wakes or us getting up very early in the morning with him instead of letting him self settle.

Sorry about the long post, I just needed to let it out. My husband is so so supportive and furious at the neighbours but it doesn’t help my feelings when he’s at work and I’m home all day by myself trying to cope and terrified about another knock on the door or them forcing their way into the house.

The problem with reporting harassment is that they can make a malicious counter claim to the police or SS, which is what happened to me when I made check ups with the police on a creepy NDN. I'm still deliberating on whether to pursue a civil case against them.

But you say your neighbours have already reported - they sound vile and unhinged. Keep a record of everything they've done and how they've made you feel (alarmed, unsafe, perved on, spied on, etc). Call the police and council next time they harass or stalk you - have you fully explained their oddball behaviour to SS?

https://www.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/sh/stalking-harassment/what-is-stalking-harassment/

the husband has pushed his way into the house very early in the morning when I was home alone(closing the front door behind him) to tell me DS (7 weeks old at the time) had woken them up in the night and then wanted to hug it out with me saying “give me a cuddle” and putting his arms around me

It's not too late to report this OP. It made me feel sick.

I haven't read all the replies yet but I got so angry on your behalf reading this!
I would be keeping a log of absolutely everything they have done, all the trespassing, all the threats and actually if it was me I would report it as it's illegal!
Honestly I'd tell them to get fucked and leave you alone. The sound like the sort of people who would spot a weakness in your confidence and go for the jugular. Fuckers! You've done nothing wrong. At all.

Gosh OP what an absolute fucking nightmare!! What happens in summer when you have your windows open? Or when your LO has birthday parties in your garden with 10 other kids? I hate to suggest it but nightmare neighbours would make me consider selling. Other than that, just ignore as best you can (easier said than done!) but you are doing nothing wrong!! Babies cry, sometimes for no reason! You’re doing a fab job! Keep it up!

@chocolatecheesecake thanks for the advice! He stopped bottles overnight when he was about 7-8 months old but recently if we wakes and is quite unsettled, in order to stop him crying or settle him fast I’ve ended up reintroducing a bottle. We need to just stop doing it before he wakes expecting it but sometimes if he’s woken suddenly and quite distressed I get really anxious about them complaining again.

Thanks everyone for the boost in confidence and kind messages. It really means a lot!
in response to those asking why when they came into the house it wasn’t reported to the police:
At the time, I was trying to navigate new parenting. I screamed at him to get off and leave and he left quite shocked. My husband and I deliberated for a while whether to report to the police and we felt he had been made aware that it was completely inappropriate and they hid from us for a few months so we decided not to take it any further.
When I found them in the back garden, I went out and told them to get off the property and again, they hid from us for weeks. They would hide behind cars when we came in or out the house (not that we minded as we didn’t want to speak to them).
The final straw was when she threatened SS. I told her I was reporting them for harassment and trespassing multiple times. She shouted horrible names at me and left but we haven’t yet reported to the police. We have kept a record of all issues and ring cam footage, but I’m worried reporting them will escalate the situation further.

Don’t worry about reporting it making it escalate further. From what you’ve described, you won’t have any say in that.

Plus, WHY should they be allowed to get away with it?

All of this!
I am also furious for you! How dare they make you feel this way! how dare they make you doubt yourself as a mother.
they sound absolutely vile and personally I'd have been telling them to ram it ages ago.

They sound deranged. Once they're committed you'll see that every room is piled high with old newspapers...😀

Seriously, they do sound like they're a bit cracked, hiding behind cars etc when they szee you as if you would physically attack them..... Calling the police and reporting them would probably be doing them a favour.

They sound vile. Why can't they wear noise cancelling headphones or move into another room if they want to zoom? They could soundproof if they were really bothered. They absolutely cannot complain about normal noise of children, as annoying as they may find it, and they are bullying you. I would keep a log of what has been said with every interaction you have with them but obviously you want to keep those to the minimum. Don't answer the door for starters. I'm so sorry you've got such awful neighbours.

@Lolapicklepup before you report to police or to Social Services, consider the following: if you want to sell your house, you will have to report the neighbour dispute. So escalating to police or to anyone else will make it more difficult to sell. On the other hand, I agree other PPs who suggested a chain on the door, a Ring doorbell, to which I might add CCTV in your back garden as well, and modifications to make the fence more robust.

I am sorry to say this, because it would be expensive and a huge hassle for you and it is just not fair that you should have to do this, but I totally agree with a PP who suggested that you will be better off selling and moving away from this neighbour. Life is too short to have a really crappy neighbour. Yes, you might get one somewhere else, but you definitely have one now. The combination of creepiness, intolerance, and demonstrated willingness to come onto your property uninvited is enough to warrant getting the hell out of dodge.

@Lolapicklepup sorry, one more thing: if they were to call Social Services then they are the ones who would look like complete idiots, so I also agree with a PP who told you not to worry too much about that ... the only problem for you would be that you might then have to disclose any such incident to a potential buyer.

Just so you know, if they do report you to SS they’ll have to visit. Don’t worry about it though, at all. I had an issue with malicious complaints to SS. The woman who visited was absolutely lovely, she even interviewed toddler DD so we have a hilarious record of her wee interview, she wanted the SS worker to read her a book and wouldn’t let her leave until she’d looked at DD’s favourite and met her special teddy! Case was closed following the meeting and speaking to DD’s nursery worker, reporter reopened it twice before I was able to get her on file for malicious reporting with the proof of having no new information/evidence and her motivation for reporting. It’s scary at the time but if you are frank with them about everything that’s going on it’s very clear that you are not an actual danger.

I’d also report it to the police as non-emergency but something to have on record.

Yes I can imagine the call to social services the child next door cries!!.....and? Its disturbing my zoom calls errrrrm noted?

The worst they would do is call nursery and ask them what they are like there honestly I've been through this exes family forever making malicious calls they always called the nursery and health visitor never bothered me with it

We have kept a record of all issues and ring cam footage, but I’m worried reporting them will escalate the situation further.
People like this always count on you backing down. Don’t let it happen OP! You stand up to that horrible bully and her pervy husband, your toddler being a toddler is completely appropriate noise for a household and if she bothers her again tell her so and to fuck off to an appropriate working space if normal household noise is affecting her work.

I don't understand what the people saying report to the police are expecting the police to do? They might at best go and have a word with them, but nothing more than that can come of it. Will the neighbours stop? Probably not. There are some seriously pain in the arse people in the world OP and it's really unfortunate you bought a house next to some of them. Sell up and move, you won't resolve this and the long term stress will be really detrimental for you all.

@SErunner123 well, there is an assault allegation for starters…

From more than 12 months ago that the OP hasn't reported and is based solely on her account with no report of injury of any nature. I'm not saying she's lying, but again, what do you actually expect the police to do other than perhaps speak with the neighbour?

Sounds like they, or at least one of them may have mental problems, do get the police involved. My in-laws had a nut next door who they tried to put up with, but they eventually had to move, the rubbish and dog poo on the doorstep was one thing, the knife in the front door was too much. Definitely keep a chain on the door and do not let them in for any reason. Do not antagonise them, things can get scary.

Honestly, don't doubt yourself as a mum. You're doing just great. These idiots should sell up and buy out in the sticks if they want complete silence. Complaining about a teething baby and about decorating (during the day!) indeed! Who on earth do they think they are?! Perhaps they need reminding that even they too were babies/toddlers once, and they made noise!

And don't worry about them reporting you to the SS! If the SS were worried about teething babies crying, then they'd more over-run with work than they already are! I was reported once (malicious thing, I believe by my now ex BIL, who was pissed with my XH). I was terrified at first, until the SS man showed up and I was told the allegations:
-I smoked pot in front of the kids
-I'm a drunk (and drink in front of the kids)
-I scream and shout at the children
-I'm never at home.

Go figure eh? My responses?
-I'm a non smoker
-I get the alcohol flush reaction (therefore CANNOT drink more than one measured unit of alcohol, and I can't do that often!)
-I don't allow screaming and shouting in the home
-I work FT, as a nurse (back then it was 13hr shifts!).
I told SS to speak to nursery, school and my employer. I let him meet/talk to the kids, and I passed on contact info for my family. Also, I said that they/anyone else could drug/breath test me then and there if they wished.

SS man was lovely, and soon realised it was a malicious report!

I really hope this message helps, because it confirms everything everyone else has said, but from the other side of the fence as it were - which might give your feelings of confidence a bit of a lift.

I live on a new development where the houses are reasonably close together, but mine is detatched. There are a good number of homeworkers around. I am in my early 60s and live with a gay partner of 33 years - we have not had kids. I cannot pretend that I find infants crying or screaming is music to my ears (and I rather doubt if many parents do either) but I do recognise it is normal, even when it is sometimes extended and loud, and that it sometimes happens at night. But I also recognise that parents always do their best to quieten a child, and if their well-tried and tested efforts are unavailing, there is almost nothing more they can do. As a neighbour in such circumstances I would make every effort to get to know my next-door neighbours in as friendly a manner as possible, and offer to help them with anything that I can do to make their lives easier and help them cope. It is totally unreasonable to claim home working as any reason to demand quiet, and in general normal life is understood to extend from 7.00 am to 11.00 pm. This also means that if there are any problems with anything, anytime, they can be discussed honestly and calmly. Your neighbours aren't interested in this - they prefer to indulge their aggression (probably from other issues completely) on you, confident in the knowledge there is nothing you can do. You certainly should not make any adjustment to looking after your kids in the best way (as you say you have started to do) - even if you could get total baby silence they would be down on you about something else.

I really hope you able able to follow some of the other people's suggestions.

(btw, if your neighbours really wanted to experience some totally irresponsible all-day-and-all-night extreme* *noise and disturbance, which is completely unresponsive to any intervention, they should live next to a student house, as I used to!)

agree with others, you aren’t doing anything wrong and keep records of harassment.

Aldo, start playing baby shark loudly and on repeat!

They sound barking.

You are leading a very normal family life. If they can't cope with normal noises of life and community they should not wfh and should live in sheltered housing away from younger people.

Normal noise and disturbance of family/community life is exactly why people used to go elsewhere to work. Wfh does not trump othe r[people leadinga normal life with all the noise that goes with it.

Have you got anyone that can square up to them and put the frightners on them for you?

Oh, and don't let them near your child, they sound dangerous to be honest.