Coping with a newborn - when does it get better?!

[H44123]

Me again… regular poster who scoured MN for advice and hope on a daily.

Baby is 7 weeks today. First 4 weeks were awful, went to a&e twice, baby has silent reflux, constipation and did not stop crying. Think this is mostly under control apart from constipation is a continuous battle. I remember hating life in those weeks, the past week it has slowly started getting better but I just get through each day.

Baby cries a lot and I am anxious to go out in case he does in front of people so spend the day at home alone until partner gets home often after 7pm. I think baby has colic so is on Infacol and colief so evenings are challenging

Also doing every single night shift too even on weekends so haven’t slept longer than 3 hours in one go for 7 weeks. Baby struggles to poo and often screams and cries, even though on lactulose. Now the baby fights every nap during the day for at least 30 mins screaming fighting. Nighttime he sleep OK in chunks of 3 hours but gets to 4/5/am every single day he is thrashing about, squirming grunting I think trying to poop or fart but he never poops then as he only goes 1/2 days and wakes us both up and won’t go back to sleep

when does it get better and you actually enjoy life? Everything is stressful and a performance going anywhere. I feel like I have been counting down to 12 weeks hoping things improve. I feel panicked with driving anywhere planning my routes avoiding roads where I can’t pull over if he screams, is this normal?!

Why are you doing every night shift? Your partner should be helping. Even if breastfeeding give baby to your dp after feeds to wind/change etc. get him to take baby for an hour or two at the weekends as well so you can rest. Things will get easier soon but even more so if your partner does his share of the load.
it sounds as though you are quite anxious, thinking of places to pull over when driving etc. may be worth having a chat with the health visitor/gp?

Hiya. Haha yes, newborns are terrible. A massive shock to the system. I think they’re designed to be that way so you can cope with anything going forward!

Are you BF? For me the first 6 weeks were terrible and then I gave her a dummy at week 7 and it all became easier. If you’re BF, I can understand the nighttimes being all on you (to a degree) but not if you’re FF.

But you’re right, 12 weeks is the golden ‘out of the tunnel’ moment for most.

How come your partner is coming home so late? Is this set in stone? Can you get him to finish work earlier? Lasting until 5pm is hard enough by yourself - if you can, you need to get him home and taking on baby stuff earlier.

It will definitely get easier. It just will. You’ll come out of this phase and - poof! - you’ll forget, because you’ll be consumed with the next one. My baby’s now 11 months and I don’t spare any time thinking back to the early weeks other than positive, fond memories. And I was the mum googling ‘will this ever get better’ every day!!! Genuinely!

Your baby’s so new, everything’s uncomfortable and weird for them. They’ll get used to more and more stuff and one day you’ll do something with them and think ‘wait, this used to be awful! Now it’s easy!’ - it really does just happen 😄

The fourth trimester, until 12 weeks, is all about surviving with some sanity intact. My advice would be to see showers as non-negotiable (not ‘me time’ as a treat!), enjoy the TV while they sleep in your arms during the day (you’ll miss it when it’s gone) and just ‘make it through the next hour’. Everything’s bearable when it’s just one hour to go.

Lots of hugs 💐💐💐

Get out of the house during the day, at least once every day. The baby will find everything and anything stimulating at this time so find stuff you want to do. Baby cinema, yoga, visit a museum/gallery, meet up with friends, have a nice walk etc etc. if you find mum focussed stuff then no one will mind if the baby cries. Try different ways of taking them out - pram, or carrier? See what they seem to like. The weather's hopefully going to get nicer so it'll be more appealing to go out.

You sound so much like me when DS was tiny.
Having an unsettled, difficult, nap fighting newborn really is the pits. I fell into the trap of not leaving the house through shame and embarrassment. It’s only with hindsight I realise how self destructive this is. Nobody cares if your tiny baby is crying. If they look, it’s only because they feel empathy towards you or they are glad it’s not them. When I finally got out, I regularly walked round with a screaming baby strapped to me and I wasn’t judged once. DS was unsettled for a good wee while to be honest, but getting out the house and just owning it genuinely made the days go so much quicker.

I would let go of the idea of a magic week when it’ll get better, because in my experience there is no light switch moment. It just gradually improves and you get more of a semblance of a routine and a life with each day that passes. You’ll realise at 6 months that overall it’s easier, then again at 9 months, then again at 12 months. There will be ups and downs sure, but my experience is that it’s more of a gradual upwards trajectory as opposed to a sudden improvement.

baby will probably cry less if you get out, even if it is just for a walk around the block.

do you have a sling? if so, do walks with baby in the sling and he will love it.

Baby cinema, yoga, visit a museum/gallery

Kindly and gently, getting out for a walk around the block is a massive achievement when you have a colicky, refluxy, heavily prone to crying newborn. These sort of suggestions would have made me feel even more useless as it would have felt completely impossible, being accompanied by a screaming, vomiting baby who never slept. If OP isn’t leaving the house, just getting out to the local park would be a better first step.

That sounds tough - have they checked for allergies? Are they actually constipated with hard poo, or
just not going much?

parenting is a rollercoaster I’m afraid, it goes good and bad but I’ve found generally it gets “easier” the more than can communicate and be independent. Still knackering though, especially when they stop napping 🙈

This was me 3 months ago! A screaming refluxy colicy baby, wondering every single day why I had ruined my life. It got a little bit better at 8 weeks and then dramatically better at 12 weeks. She's 18 weeks now and it's a bit better still every week. It really truly does get better, the hardest newborn weeks should be behind you now.

Echoing previous posters, getting out every day helped me massively - there's no way I'd have managed anything structured or time specific until recently, but I'd just go to a cafe up the road and get a takeout coffee and have a wander locally so if she screamed we could get home quickly. Other than that just be kind to yourself - all you need to do for now is keep yourself sane and the baby in one piece, and things will be better before you know it.

Thank you for all your replies ❤️

so I am FF, did try breastfeeding for a few days initially but got mastitis. Should have also clarified that my partner is a lorry driver so often starts work at 2/3/4am and needs sleep for his job to be safe and can often work late. On a weekend, I think because the cot is next to me and wouldn’t fit on his side of the bed it’s just me although I know he hears baby. On a weekend I do often wake him up about 6/7am and tell him to take baby downstairs so I can get a bit of sleep but I do feel guilty. Annoyingly partner always complains he is tired like he doesn’t get how tired I am too!!! Also to add - my parents will have baby anytime overnight, my partner said he isn’t ready for him to stop out yet 🤬 anyway it’s happening I have put my foot down saying I need one solid night sleep (although it’s in 2 weeks time 🙄)

Doctors reluctant to do much, we got fobbed off as first time parents at first until I started taking pics of his poo which showed he was constipated and rock hard poop!

I knew it would be hard with a baby but no one can prepare you. It sounds bad but they are boring and I miss adults. All I do now I feed, change and fight with him to get to sleep, I guess I’m not really enjoying the newborn stage which everyone else seems to!

I would avoid pinning your hopes on it getting better by a certain point in their life. I had a very challenging newborn and I was practically counting down the seconds until they turned 12 weeks as this is when everybody said things would get much better. It very much didn’t, and I felt such despair and felt like it would never end.

Ultimately, it will get better for you and things will improve, it’s just impossible to say when. You’re really in the thick of it at the moment and it’s so, so hard.

What I would advise is just focusing on the very short term. Remind yourself that it’s already 4pm and you’ve got through this day, and tell yourself that you’ll get through the next 6 hours too. Keep telling yourself ‘I can do this’ even if it really feels like you can’t.

Getting out of the house every day was an absolute necessity and kept me sane. I was so panicked at first because my baby was a real screamer and I thought people would judge. I was just so anxious about what I’d do if they wouldn’t stop crying. Honestly though, nobody gives a shit.

Finally, I know not all babies like being worn in slings but it’s definitely worth you trying one if you haven’t already. If your baby does like them (or will at least tolerate them!) then they can be a godsend for getting out and about more easily.

Hi op,

It's so difficult isn't it! I have a nine week old velcro baby who never seems content!

What maintains my sanity is going out every single day. We do lots of various baby groups but on the days we don't a walk around the park, to the shops (even just for milk etc) massively helps. As does finding a coffee shop you feel comfortable in.

He absolutely cries less when he's out, and when he does cry, it doesn't matter as much when we're in the park etc. Get some good waterproofs, we go whatever the weather!

No one cares if your baby cries & if they do who gives a shit quite frankly. We've all been babies once!

I've no family help but if I did I would absolutely be asking them to take the baby so you can nap in the days.

It really is the key. I would start with walks & if feeling up to it graduate to groups in time. Hearing other mums experiences similar to my own was so helpful.

You'll get through it & it'll get easier but it's so intense on your own all day. Best of luck!

Oh and a baby sling may help. See if there's a baby sling library near you to try. I had a cheap one from gumtree. It's hit & miss but good on the days it's a hit.

For me it was 13 weeks when things got better, so don't pin your hopes on 12 weeks too much. But it did get better, so much better. You haven't ruined your life, it's just that this bit is utterly shit.

Do get out of the house. I know it's horrible, painful even, when your baby is crying, but no-one really minds - babies cry. Most people who have had babies will be sympathetic. Getting out in the fresh air will really help you feel better. Mine liked watching the trees, so I walked up and down the same path with trees overhead so many times - but it was outside and he wasn't crying (until he started again), so it was ok. I found everything was easier to cope with when I was outside, even the crying seemed less loud.

Keep your changing bag ready to go so you can get out the door without too much faff. You can make a bottle and take it with you if you're going to be less than an hour or so.

You need to sleep. Put your foot down - your partner can cope with being tired if he's not driving. And could your mum come over and look after the baby in the day while you nap?

Do you have any friends who could pop round and give you a bit of adult conversation? I really missed that when mine were little.
Get in touch again with your health visitor about baby's digestive issues. Of course you'll have double checked the temperature of feeds and the right proportions, but she might have some ideas about positioning and rocking etc.
It does get easier OP. Hang in there!

Having been there with a crier and colicky baby. I feel your pain.

I now believe my baby had some intolerance (diary possibly) though could have been something else as she was breastfed.

If I had that time again, I'd be exploring allergies.

Baby 1: 6wks, then 6m
baby 2: 12wks, then 6m

Being in a sling really helped my middle baby with reflux and constipation and we had a large empty field next door that I would walk around constantly after nearly each feed.
Your partner doesn't get to have it all his way either, if he is leaving all the nights to you then his opinion about your parents helping is not relevant.

Just to add incase it helps. My DS now 7m, was EXACTLY like yours at 7 weeks, colic, crying constantly, straining, constipated only pooping Little Rock's every 4 days, red faced. Also was not into his bottles atall not sure if yours is the same. Long story short he has a cows milk allergy and the colic she constipation was down to that. He poops regular as clockwork now he is dairy free x

They are horrendous for the first three months. The second three months are bad too, but not as bad.

Dummy and a sling and white noise to help naps

Not sure why your partner has an opinion on the baby staying away at night if he isn't going to help during the night himself?

Solidarity, they really do push you to the edge. But it does get better and every day that passes is another day closer to that.

Just here for solidarity, my first baby started screaming at 2 weeks old and didn't stop until 12 weeks. The positive of her having severe colic/in hindsight probably reflux was that I got her into a bedtime routine of 7pm by about 10 weeks, can you start doing this? Bath at 6:30 then bottle, I found the earlier she went to bed the better she was. To reassure you, it did get much better at 12 weeks. I now have another baby (took me 7 years to go for it again as I was so scarred by it) she's now 6 weeks old, she hasn't had colic but is a worse sleeper than my first. I think they're all hard in their own ways... I don't enjoy the newborn part at all, I like routine and structure and it all goes out the window with a newborn. My advice is to create a routine for your week and stick to it, I used to shower first thing with her in the bouncer, be downstairs by 8:30/9 and put her in the bouncer/playmat in front of the tv (🙈) while I made something to eat, I would then rush around doing as many chores as I could while she was awake, I'd then accept that she wouldn't nap on her own so I would walk to the shop with her screaming in the buggy, buy myself a chocolate bar and walk the park until she fell asleep then sit on a bench and watch Netflix and eat my chocolate, home for 11am bottle, and then try and get out somewhere in the afternoons. I would then generally get home by 4pm ready for the bad screaming to start, I would pour myself a wine by about 5pm and have her in the sling while I paced and paced and paced drinking my wine and listening to music with my headphones in. As soon as partner got home I would pass her over and go for a drive to Tesco or somewhere to escape the crying. You will get through it I promise. It will pass. Just keep going. You're not on your own and you will get your life back again ❤️

Ps. I think every single mother ever has secretly thought to themselves 'what the fuck have I done' at least once after having a baby 🤣

True 🤣🤣

I remember posting the same thing as you early on with my first.

Well they're 2 and 3 now and both go to sleep at 6.30pm - 6.30am so it certainly gets better!

I think there was two turning points for me, 3 months was when I could finally start a routine and baby would start to know night and day. And then 6 months once weaned and they had a proper 2 nap schedule. Once they were down to 1 nap (around 11 months for mine) even better. And then once they fully drop the nap (both mine 22 months) and do the 12 hour over night, a zillion times better.

Hang in there, it's so so tough, but for me you're in the absolute worst bit now. Once they sleep at night and you get your evenings back it all becomes a bit more manageable x

It really depends on the baby! I remember hearing about the magic 12/13 week end to the screaming and it didn’t happen. My daughter also scoffed at 6-8 weeks being the peak of crying. She screamed for hours, daily, until she was 17 weeks. Had the week off, then started teething.

She was much happier once she started crawling at 4.5 months. I think before that she was just pissed off at the world. She still woke hourly til she was two, but she was easier to handle during the day, albeit bloody mobile from a young age. I was permanently exhausted.

At 14 weeks DS has yet to cry more than about three times, the potato.

So: hope for the end of the fourth trimester. Be prepared for it to be a bit longer. At six months when they can sit up by themselves, be in the high chair so part of the action, go on the swings, and play - that seemed to be the common “thank god” moment among all the mums of horrors I knew.

I’m sorry. You sound like me 15 years ago. I didn’t really enjoy the baby stage with either of mine. They both had colic and fought sleep. It got slowly better after 12/13 weeks but no miracle day when it all seemed easier. As someone else says, you gradually realise that it’s not as hard as it was. I enjoyed them more and more as time progressed, when their personalities came out and they responded in more positive ways than screaming. Babies are boring, I thought I was losing my mind and wondered why I wasn’t more enamoured. Of course I loved them but at times I didn’t like them very much. Nobody tells you that might happen and I thought there was something wrong with me. I made a huge effort to go outside every day - they were calmer when moving in the buggy but it’s not always possible. It is just a matter of surviving the first 3-4 months I think. Accept any help or invitation you are offered. The better weather will help, I promise.