Thoughts on kids coming home from uni

[Flipflop23]

This is just out of interest….
I have 2 friends both with kids at uni.
both the kids have girls friends who they bring home with them for the holiday.
my one friend dreads them coming to stay, has got used to a quite house most of the year, I think they basically use the house as a hotel. The other one doesn’t mind so much but could happily live with out them stopping has more of an issue that it’s child AND girlfriend and doesn’t feel like her house is her home.
I have a son who will be going off to uni in a year I just wandered if this was a common thing to happen?

They are adults and their partners may be there long term. Both my student DC bought their partners home with them for the whole of lockdown. Fortunately it's a big house and we are very sociable.
It was lovely having everyone here.

You wondered if it was a common thing for YA university students to come home in the vac and bring a boy- or girlfriend to stay?

@Tryphenia I am curious about a couple of things,
how many parents don’t actually look forward to there kids moving back home for weeks at a time and if a kids bring partners back again for weeks at a time if this is normal?

I suppose I’ve never thought about it as at the moment I wouldn’t have an issue for a weekend ect but would not want a new addition to the family for a month at a time…but who knows when it happens might feel differently.

Kids- no problem.

kids and girlfriend/boyfriend? Different kettle of fish. I wouldn’t be happy having a relative stranger move into my home for what? 3 months in the summer? Will they pay rent? Contribute? Where are their own parents?

i’d be happy for visits from the gf/bf, but they can go home and have their own parents support them.

if they can’t be apart that long they should have their own full time home.

I guess you just get used to having your own space again and both the parents and children will come back together with different expectations I suppose.

If your friend doesn't want their GF/BF staying, she has to say so...

I think it very much depends on what you're like with guests. I find them very stressful so I do feel on edge when a partner is staying with my DC - that is entirely my issue though as they are lovely and no trouble at all!

I have (had!) no problem with my DC coming home though - it's still their home. They are now back full time until they can afford or want to move out.

Look, when I went to university, I’d left home permanently as we were poor, the house was overcrowded, and two of my younger siblings got my bedroom. I slept on the sofa if I was visiting. And it was very much ‘visiting’.

But I can see that wasn’t ideal. I wasn’t even 18 yet. And all my friends still had a home at home, whereas I was looking for live-in jobs over the long vac, or choosing accommodation that would let me stay on. DS will always have a home here, and I’ll be delighted if he brings friends home.

Can't understand some people so you want kid's to go uni and then not have a life when there home. Any of my 4 will always be welcome whoever trips along behind them. Will never not look forward to having my kid's home and adapting to there friends or whatever as they grow mature spread out etc...I would far rather they were like that than secretive or made to feel unwanted etc

Holidays during year one of uni are extremely fraught. Parents think they're getting they're old child back, child has done a huge amount of maturing very fast and expects to be treated like the adult they now are (but lacks the financial resources to be a true adult). It's horrible.
It settles down in year 2/3 as they tend to only come back for long weekend visits or just for the summer between exchange or properties.
It's usually easier if they're single too, yes.

Never an issue for me. Yes the dynamic definitely shifted when one or both came home but they were always welcome. It’s their home and when things got crazy I always tried to remember it’s temporary,one day they will move on with their lives. Partners always welcome as who knows, maybe they will be part of our life in the longer term too. It was nice to get to know them. Luckily don’t had to accommodate anyone we didn’t like. That would have be different!

Should point out that the one who hates it has a 13 year old who is really uncomfortable having a 19 year old girl in the house. Which I think plays a big part in it.

Love having DC home from uni during the holidays. Would not be happy with an expectation that partner stays the whole time. That said my DC wound never just assume this they would ask and it would be discussed.

Whilst it is my DC home, it is my house, I pay all the bills and have final say. I expect them to respect that.

Your friend is being a walkover and needs to be more assertive. The DC is immature. I assume from it is a boy? Where is the father? Your friend needs to stand up for herself and her other DC.

Have a first year uni student. Hes home currently and i havent really noticed much tension as mentioned above but hes only been back for a week and im sure in another weeks time he'll be getting on my wick getting in at 2am and cooking everything in the fridge. This will be his home for as long as he needs it to be. Im lucky in that financially.its.not a stretch for him to be here. We went for coffee yesterday- i quite like having a adult son.
Hes single at the moment but in u6 had a (lovely) girlfriend and she would stay over a lot. She actually added a nice dynamic to the family ( i have 4 boys )and they were always respectful.

It’s not about having a life. Guests are fine.

but someone moving into my home for over 1/4 of the year? Then Christmas, Easter etc as well? It’s not a HMO, it’s my home.

if I have space I might consider it. But if they want to live as an adult couple they can contribute like an adult couple and pay half the bills etc.

It shifts the dynamic from my child coming home for the holidays to another couple moving in with us. Are they going to share housework, cooking etc?

I'd rather my DC's and their partners stayed with me than that they stayed at their partner's parents.

I have the space and enough bathrooms which makes it a LOT easier. If we were all queing up to use the bathroom it would lose its attraction VERY quickly.

People understandably get very used to having their own space, so it can be very disruptive if 1 or 2 additional adults move in for weeks at a time. Plus the "child" is now grown up and used to their independence, so may not want to live within parental/household rules any more.

It’s your choice really… make them welcome and allow them to bring a partner home, or don’t but understand you will likely never have as close relationship. Remember your decision to make the partner unwelcome when they go to the other family for Christmas, the other family is favoured with grandchild access.

Lots of people meet their future spouses at university, and whilst these may turn out to be temporary relationships, just think about what blueprint you want to set for your future relationship with your adult children.

Couldn't agree more to be honest. I'm finding it more difficult than the first child. I'm already sick of them filling the house with their friends. Eating everything in the fridge. Partying until 4 in the morning and no sign of getting a job. I find it frustrating. Nobody else exists on their selfish little planet. I keep my mouth shut though as I'm a step-mother.

I dont know any kids who bring their boyfriends or girlfriends to stay for the whole holidays. Usually a few nights then off to the other one or they stay at their uni housing for part of the time (as they want their freedom too).
Your friends need to speak up! Can stay but no more than three nights in a week sort of thing.

I love having my DCs back for the holidays. Rarely come back for weekends so it's great to see them after a whole term away. DS has a part time job in his uni town so often doesn't even spend all his holidays at home. His GF happens to live locally so when they are both home, she only stays overnight with us occasionally.
I fully expect both DCs to probably need to move back permanently after graduation due to housing costs.

bring partner home, no problem. More than welcome.

that partner moving in for 3 months? Taking the piss.

like I said, if they want to move in as an adult couple for a longer term basis then ground rules. They need to do 50% of housework and cooking, and pay a proportion of the bills.

I am not going to spend 3 months in the summer working full time, funding, cooking and clearing up after someone else’s child.

I always enjoyed the dc coming home from uni for holidays but if they'd insisted on bringing a partner every time it would've stressed me out.

Unless you've got a big house/they have their own bathroom/are very good at cleaning up after themselves/mucking in, I think it's a lot to put up with.

It is disruptive, and I think that is the issue, rather than the situation itself, student arrives home, disruption, everyone settles, student departs again, more disruption, and then a few months later they are back. I always found the first few days of having them back, or having them leave again, very disruptive

Love having them back for the hols, but after the first few days the old tensions resurface (noisy too late at night/ not tidying kitchen properly etc). IME it gets better once they've experienced living out with others in the second year, as they begin to have a sense of shared responsibility for cleaning etc.
DS2 now has a long term girlfriend and because we live near London she more often comes to stay at ours. She's lovely and I don't mind too much, but it does change the dynamic within the family and makes me a bit more stressed about food/ meals etc.
She's quite lively and extrovert compared to DS's quieter personality, and after a few days he gets a bit exhausted by having her here! Last time he asked me if I could take her out shopping for a morning to give him some space!😂
I have no female relatives, so it was actually really nice - we went for breakfast and had a mooch around the shops!