This is going to sound so awful but I don’t know what to do anymore and I can’t express these feelings to anyone.
My DD is 4 and has ASD and is non verbal. I had postnatal depression when she was born and didn’t feel I bonded with her.
She was a happy, bubbly little girl until she had a huge regression at 18 months and became this completely different child. She was diagnosed with autism aged 2 and a half.
I’m to the point where I just can’t cope. I don’t feel like a mother to her. When she got her diagnosis, I retreated into my shell for months. I feel like I can’t be her mother anymore because I’m no good for her. I didn’t feel like she was mine anymore and almost grieved for the little girl I once had.
I can’t take her anywhere without her having a complete meltdown/hitting herself/kicking me. It’s so rubbish for her. She has no friends yet and isn’t able to attend classes/groups as she doesnt listen to instructions. There’s no imaginative play or creativity. She’s just “there” in life
I have dreams about hurting her (absolutely no intentions in doing so) or getting hurt in front me and I don’t so much blink an eyelid. I have also dreamt several times about crashing our car deliberately with both of us in it.
I have since had my 2nd child and these feelings and dreams have gotten so much worse and are happening more regularly. Im on anti depressants already but I don’t feel they’re helping.
Im scared if I go to my GP or HV they’ll think I’m crazy or report me.