I loose my temper with my two year old all the time

[Kerrylass221]

I feel like the worst mum in the world. Every time I scream at my little one I promise myself that it will be the last time but then I have a bad day and have absolutely zero patience with her and scream all over again. I hate being like this because the gilt just eats me up but I can't help it. I feels so unhappy a lot of the time and I just can't seem to shake myself out of it. I know that she's not to blame but she makes things so so difficult at times that I just feel so hopeless as her mum and as a person.

Any advice??

I’d be very suprised to hear from a parent that never shouts at their kids!?

I don't think everyone does shout.

Can you afford a childminder a couple of mornings or days a week?

Ask your partner to help - maybe find something he can do each week so you know for example Saturday morning he takes her swimming so you get a break.

Have a bit of s routine & get her out the house morning and again in the afternoon.

Do reward jar - we used to do marbles in a jar.

Use naughty step so it doesn't escalate - they do push boundaries but you need to nip in bud straight away rather than waiting for it to wind you up to this extent.

Do you go to any toddler groups? It's easier when they have someone to play with.

What is it that makes you get angry or frustrated? I feel like no one has really asked that question, and it's important to understand why so that you can work on how to keep yourself calm. You've mentioned a couple of things that could be bothering you long term, but are there any specific day to day things that you struggle to keep calm over?

Plus shouting occasionally isn't the worst thing in the world, I'm pretty sure we've all done it, and sometimes it's warranted. Clearly you feel you're doing it when you shouldn't though, and it's good you realise that, but you shouldn't feel too terrible for it.

She will grow up with a very confused idea of what love is.- one minute being screamed and shouted at, the next being cuddled and 'loved'.
You say you are lonely -find a mother and toddler group.They are great for support and adult company and getting things into proportion. I think you know that if you don't get a grip, you're going to end up with a very unhappy little girl.
Your HV can put you in touch with various groups.or something more professional if it is needed.

Look at getting some help /respite. Try meditation, the calm app has some good ones by getting in touch with how your body feels you are less likely to meltdown as your feelings won't feel as overwhelming. Breath in for 4, hold for 7 and out for 8 can be calming. One trick I have learnt is if you feel frustration coming on do a silly voice, you can shout in a silly voice.

Take vitamin B complex. It will take about three weeks for it to click into action, but you will find it a lot easier to enjoy your child.

The worst advice I've ever seen. Whilst it's possibly true that increased vitamin B can help with postpartum depression (which is making an assumption that is what the original poster is suffering from), it's by no means proven to help. So what you've suggested, is that she waste money on supplements that might do nothing and prevent her from affording real food.

It worked for me and it worked for the other mothers in my social group. Vitamin B complex is good for you even if you don't particularly need it and not that expensive

The 3 weeks you spoke of might also have been the defining factor, and support from friends. I would highly recommend that and a balanced diet over supplements. Not keeping those feelings to yourself is very important, I know that as a man and I'm pretty sure anyone who has ever read anything about postpartum depression should know it as well. It's not always easy to speak out about feeling that way because your feel guilty, but it's important to seek support, and know that yes, it usually will pass in a few weeks, but not always. Money is still better spent on a varied diet than vitamin supplements which you do basically end up peeing out mostly.

@irreverent

Ah you are a man. Now I understand why you are so certain that you know more me than I do.

Not at all why, and you've dismissed my suggesting that support and time and talking about it is more helpful, because you now know I'm a man. I only mentioned it because I don't have first-hand experience of postpartum depression, but I have a long term relationship with depression. I do think if vitamin B would fix it for me, I'd be fine, but support from friends helps a LOT.

Start by being easier on yourself and forgiving yourself. I don't mean it as shrugging off the unacceptable behaviour, before anyone jumps on me. You say you want to be the best mum in the world to your little girl, this is inevitably going to pile on the pressure that will see you crack. Try setting your expectations to a more reasonable target. You just need to be a good enough mum for your child to be happy, nothing more and nothing less.

Then you need to work on defining your boundaries and upholding them. This is the hardest skill to master because it's not just about the parent-child relationship but about all other relationships in your life. If you can't set effective boundaries and say "no" effectively to other people, you won't be able to do that with your own children either. But to be effective, your boundaries have to reflect your personal values and convictions, not what others (parental experts, Mumsnet users etc) think they should be. As women we're conditioned to please and put others before ourselves so even just knowing ourselves is hard, and let alone standing up for ourselves and saying No.

When you are secure in your boundaries you will lose control over your emotions a lot less.

For all this I highly recommend books by Jesper Juul, a renowned Danish family therapist. Sadly not all of his books are easy to find translated to English but "Your competent child" is and it's essential reading.
amzn.eu/d/40Q8Mbf

I also recommend "The art of saying no" specifically on the subject of boundaries:
parentotheca.com/2021/04/13/no-the-art-of-saying-no-with-a-clear-conscience-jesper-juul-book-summary/

But start by forgiving yourself. The mistakes you've done can be rectified, you will make more mistakes, just keep fixing them and learning from them. As Juul says:

"It is much better for us and our children when we aim to be ourselves rather than try to “do the right thing”. Parents who are authentic are better parents than those who try to be theoretical parents. Parents who make mistakes and take responsibility for their mistakes are better parents than those who try to be perfect. Parents who strive for perfection will always make their children feel like failures and children who feel like failures often end up failing."

I am also by nature a shouty Mum. I have to work really really hard not to raise my voice to my kids. Came to a head when they also started shouting at me and each other. So we implemented a rule that no one shouts at anyone else, including Mummy. Things that help me when I feel I'm losing my rag are to parent as if someone is watching and remember how pleased I am after the event if I've reacted calmly without shouting.

It's brave of you to be so honest OP, you're definitely not alone and you've had some great advice about how things can improve.

Much braver than I am. I meant to be looking at the teenager parenting forum but ended up at most recently replied to. There's no way I'm asking for the advice I was thinking of doing though. So yeah, she's much braver than I.

Excuses don't cut it. Screaming at a toddler is wholly unacceptable.

This.

You are wiring her brain for life with this treatment of her. Please seek help urgently.

Are you at home with your little one all the time?

I wonder if getting some childcare and a part time job may help? Winking certainly makes me feel more like 'me' and gives me done much needed space to have adult conversations and drink a cup of tea without toys being dunked in it.

But be kind to yourself, toddlers are testing - if you find yourself having a tough day shove on some waterproofs and go find some puddles to jump in, go run round the park, let them run round the park whilst you have a coffee.
Find a song that helps regulate / ground you or try sone mindfulness techniques!

I think the key is to notice when you feel yourself getting worked up, to do something different before you get angry.

If we struggle to regulate our emotions, our little ones will also struggle - but well done for role modelling positive interactions around saying sorry.

There are a few instagram accounts that offer advise - big little feelings is one and I really like responsive parenting.

Hope you are ok ❤️

You sound like a great mum to me. My advice to you is to try and get out of the house as much as you can. Being stuck indoors can be very lonely and everything gets too much. Get out in the fresh air. Don't worry if it's raining your little one won't mind splashing In the puddles. Walking in the park anything outside will do you both the world of good. If you are in the uk it won't be long and you daughter can go to nursery and you can have a break. Best wishes

I would recommend reading some Sarah Ockwell-Smith books (personally I listen to the audiobooks) particularly "How to be a calm parent" there is a Facebook group too which I've found helpful

You're right it's not ok to scream at your child, I think we all have our moments but it's important for your relationship that you try to deal with this.

@shutthewindownow I agree getting out the house saves my sanity. We go do something every morning before my DD nap. Toddler stay and play groups, toddler music groups. I live rurally so the parents I talk to there might be the only ones I have all day until my DP gets home from work. Unlike the OP, I do have my mum nearby but she is often busy and I haven't got any siblings.

I do empathise with you OP, I have since read your other posts and I just want you to know you're not alone, a lot of mums feel like this. Whining or crying from a young child can be very triggering. Please look into Sarah like I suggested, I really think her advice could help you.

The Facebook group i mentioned is called Gentle Parenting (Sarah Ockwell-Smith's Group) and I have found the parents on their to be kind.

I think the positive in all of this is that you know it is wrong and have asked for help from MN which was set up to support other parents (yes, it has grown to include a lot of things since then but Carrie and Justine wanted parents to be able to get advice and other view points)

I was raised in a shouty, smacking household and vowed to never raise my own children this way. I read lots of books on child development and parenting. I think something that helped was pretending I was being filmed and everyone would see this parenting I was doing. Was it positive? Was it negative?

I think learning to regulate your emotions into less explosive or angry ways to communicate helps. Do you feel it building inside you? Could you put something in place to help you calm down? Does counting inside your head help? Toddlers are very hard work. Do you get a break at all? Could you afford to put your child in a nursery for a morning or two or a childminder? A playgroup where you leave them for a couple of hours, they usually run from 2 years old.

@Kerrylass221

well done for seeking support. I used to get very cross with my three year old. I did a lot of work on myself with the help of these two wonderful women:

Bonnie Harris -
dr laura Markham.

you need Bonnie Harris’s book, it is life changing. She also does an amazing podcast.

https://psyche.co/guides/how-to-stop-yelling-at-your-kids-when-they-push-your-buttons

https://bonnieharris.com/

https://www.amazon.co.uk/When-Your-Kids-Push-Buttons/dp/0749925248/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1680086023&refinements=p_27%3ABonnie+Harris&s=books&sr=1-1

Some of these comments!!!

OP, it’s bloody hard being a mum and toddlers can push our buttons like no one ever has. Every mum will have lost it/shouted at some point - some will be too ashamed to admit it. It’s so tough and it’s also ok to admit you were in the wrong/felt angry/upset.

If you feel yourself getting worked up, make sure she’s in a safe place and literally leave the room - just walk away.
There have been plenty of times I’ve just locked myself in the bathroom for 5 minutes.

Breathe. 5 deep breaths and count to 5 with each breath
Scream into a towel or a pillow if you need to.

Ask for help if you can. Therapy is also a really helpful option.

Try not to stress too much, we’ve all been there. We are only human at the end of the day x

That's just a sticking plaster and doesn't help the toddler learn that emotions are safe or how to recognise and label them etc.

Do you work OP? Is the child's father in the picture to give you a break?

This might help op

happyyouhappyfamily.com/angry-mother/?fbclid=IwAR0Ju8T2QL3rjdiOMFdQ5_hEi8Ad5YokTWnaMhW83XC6olCRhMSBLX4hrSw