How do you give your DC downtime?

[freespirit333]

DS is 7, very likely neurodivergent (I think certainly ADHD, maybe ASD - not so sure about that one).

He’s had a very good term in school since Christmas, thanks to a more flexible teacher, regular communication. I’m really proud of him for trying his best to behave.

These last couple of weeks his behaviour has gone to shit at home. He’s not a tantrummer but lots of back chat, rudeness and general not listening. I know he’s tired, more tired than your average NT child from trying his best to behave in school, and also it’s the end of term anyway, most children, ND or not, are tired. His weeks are action packed as we’ve found it’s the best way to keep him regulated - football, beavers, swimming and cycling. We try and be active as a family where possible, but I’m conscious he needs his down time in the holidays.

But I find he is worse left to his own devices. Sometimes he will entertain himself at home, Lego/toys etc. But a lot of the time he entertains himself by winding up his younger sibling or us - boredom is his kryptonite.

Similarly he can’t just be on a screen all the time. He has a Switch which he’s allowed moderate use of on the weekend, or picks a film.

As a result we find we’re still having busy days on the weekend or the holidays due to desperately trying to fill them.

Any tips?

How about low key outdoor stuff? Building dens in the garden, that sort of thing?

Why can't he be on a screen? Better than annoying his younger sibling surely, and may well be his needed " downtime".

Thanks @Careerdilemma , yes he plays in the garden a bit, trampoline etc, but also plenty of fighting with younger sibling. We also have shorter trips out on bikes and stuff, takes coaxing and bribing sometimes but he’s great once out most of the time.

@RedHelenB to be fair it‘s not exclusively him, DS2 can be a pain! His behaviour is noticeably worse if he’s on a screen too long, he has quite a bit but I would feel wrong letting him be on his switch for hours on end.

Do you think he might know intuitively how to rest if you left him to it? Sometimes you have to travel through the pain of boredom and everyone saying no to you etc to settle down and find out what floats your boat. How does he wind you up and how do you set boundaries in those times?

If he’s on the go most of the week and put through his paces at school what’s wrong with hours of screen time at the weekend? Don’t you ever just want to put your feet up and watch a few films?

Good downtime activities:

A bath - this doesn't need to be only before bed. Or playing with water.

A collaborative board game.

Reading, being read to, listening to an audio book/podcast/music.

Painting, colouring, cutting. Or something like knitting, sewing, crochet.

Playdoh or clay.

Sudoku, wordsearch, crossword.

Jigsaw puzzle or Lego set.

Constructions toys like Duplo, magnatiles etc.

Sand play.

To be honest @Starseeed I’m probably a bit over cautious about screens as my mum was really anti screen when I was growing up. I do think he has plenty now though, to give you an idea, he always has at least 45 minutes of TV after school Monday-Wednesday. Thursday to be fair is taken up with his club so probably none then. Friday we always let him have his Switch as soon as he’s home so that’s probably a good 1.5-2 hours. Saturday and Sunday mornings the TV is on - Milkshake, CBBC etc. Then he always has some Switch time on a Saturday and Sunday too, probably 1-2 hours. Plus bits of TV here and there. Last Sunday he chose a movie instead of Switch in the evening.

You make a good point though. I do think his behaviour worsens with lots of screens though.

In terms of winding up, he’s just clearly bored and bouncing off the walls, lots of shouting, running about noisily, climbing on furniture, fighting with sibling. I’m thinking of my neighbours too. He can be good like you say, finds something to do. But the fact that he’s ND means he doesn’t cope well with being bored and looks for dopamine hits unlike an NT child - things like starting an argument gives a great hit!

My DS11 has ADHD and his behaviour is drastically worse if he's had a lot of screen time so I sympathise with you, we let him have an 1-2hrs on a device of his choice (depending on his behaviour as to if it's 1hr or 2) then off it around 1hr/45mins before bed and either plays Lego, draws or sometimes he reads a book before getting ready for bed. He is not interested in any sport activities at all he'd much rather draw or play Pokémon cards. He has slightly longer on the weekends but it's broken up, so say an hour before lunch then around two hours after dinner, he seems to do better with this than just a block of so many hours Xx

How about puzzles, construction toys (Lego or 3D puzzles), even a model toy where he builds and paints
painting by numbers (adult versions)
any craft, crochet, sewing, carpentry, gardening
many of these can be while listening to music
wind down reading or audio books

DS2 has a Yoto player and they both listen to it sometimes - the radio/music station or the jokes. The other day after school they both did colouring/drawing whilst listening, it was great downtime! Sadly in my house this sort of thing can’t be engineered, it’s complete luck. A lot of my suggestions get met with “no” from DS1. I do play board games with him but there’s only so many times I’m willing to play junior cluedo or snakes and ladders in one sitting! And he’s a poor loser so it can end in tears, not very relaxing!

Any arts or crafts he would like? At school we find similar children often like the focus of hand sewing (sounds slightly out there I know!).

Never thought of it @Perfect28 ! Maybe I should ask my DM to teach him to knit! He would get frustrated with it though 😬

I think overcoming the frustration is all part of it though isn't it. That will always be true learning something new. Planting seeds and watching plants grow could be another interest for this time of year especially? Good if he likes getting muddy!

What about baking? My DD loves to bake little simple things that aren't too complex, like rice crispy buns or top hats. She's wanting to make 'birds nests' with shredded wheat over Easter. It can be amusing and they have the excitement of the sampling that goes along with it 🫣

His time sounds very structured, even the down time. I think a lot of the things suggested here are ‘doing’ not ‘being’. To teach a child to relax and rest is to get out of their way and let them find their being, or just be with them.

This might sound nuts but I’ll try and describe it… I find I feel more mentally rested when I allow ’doing’ (action) to bubble up from my heart into my body, based on what I feel like doing in the moment. I don’t feel rested when I impose action on myself (head/mind down into the body) or when someone else imposes it on me. My day could end up having the same actions and physical energy expended in it either way, but the mental/emotional energy behind it is very different - if I’ve been led by my heart I feel more rested. (If you listen to Eckhart Tolle on being it might make more sense!)

So maybe if you left your son alone he would end up asking to bake together, but that’s very different energy and experience for him compared to if you had said to him ‘let’s bake together’ because it’s come from him, not you.

I just wonder if it would help to have regular completely unstructured time where you let him get in touch with himself and find his flow. Like an afternoon at home each week, preferably a day, nothing planned. You might have to go through the pain of him being bored to begin with and have to redirect him back to himself if he annoys his siblings or starts to wreck things. But it’s continually gently pointing him back to connection with himself that will ultimately help him mentally rest I think. Really valuable life skill, whether ND or not.

I don’t know if this all sounds crazy, but I’ve worked through this for myself (trauma background) and my boy (dyslexic, gets very mentally tired at school). We’re both much better at relaxing these days :)

Family walks and time alone in their rooms (mostly reading) are what works for my dc.
Being away from screens, traffic noise and in nature is very relaxing.

It is possible that the gaming is exacerbating his symptoms.

You probably need to train him up a bit if he isn't used to being bored.

What a great explanation @Starseeed

My 8yo has ADHD and ASD. She is always mentally tired from school (from both learning and masking), but she needs a lot of additional physical exercise to expel her energy and allow her to rest and sleep properly. Without enough exercise, downtime is ineffective as she bounces off the walls, causes dramas with her sister, and is constantly touching and poking things that should be left alone, so we have to deal with that first. She swims and says it's very relaxing, despite the training being quite intense (possibly because it's almost hypnotically repetitive?).
Once the excess energy is gone (and homework is complete), she is free to do whatever she wants. Sometimes she takes herself off to read, draw, play with Lego, or go out into the garden, but more often it involves a screen. Sometimes it's TV or a film, other times it might be her Nintendo or onto the PC to make a PowerPoint presentation about cats. I have no problem with this, as she has spent so many hours 'on the go' in one way or another. I'm similar, and appreciate passive entertainment at the end of a busy day to solely focus my brain onto, push out the rest of the chatter, and let my mind rest.
At the weekends and in the holidays, I do limit screen time as she doesn't need the mental downtime to anywhere near the same degree, and it can actually go the other way and have a detrimental effect to her behaviour. She will then instead pick one of the other things I listed above. She does sometimes complain that she's bored, but the suggestion she might like to spend a bit of time tidying her bedroom usually sees to the end of that 😬
I agree with PP, that they need to feel boredom to discover what they like to do.

My DC (slightly younger) loves kinetic sand, playdoh (including making it), paper mache and finger and hand painting. Also doing mazes. DC also loves making bread, especially kneading it. Sometimes when we're doing non-screen stuff, I'll put some music or white noise on in the background and that helps DC to focus for longer.

My DTS1(7) sounds very similar to your DS @freespirit333! I know he's very tired (he finds school hard) but downtime just isn't downtime for him - if he hasn't worked off enough energy he bounces off the walls, too much screen time and he turns into a moody horror. I have pretty horrific memories of his toddler meltdowns when he was incredibly overtired

Would something less structured than an actual club but not doing 'nothing' as such work for him? Lego is great for my DS if you can get him to concentrate on it, or he also enjoys 'potion making' with bits from the garden, or playing with his remote control car outside and making tracks for it. Treasure hunts/ spotting games are good for him too but a bit weather dependent!

DD has ASD and she runs or cycles everyday for her downtime. She likes it, says it makes her brain quiet, and the bonus is DH or I can get some exercise with her. If you have a local park run or running club try it and see how he likes it - when you begin to go regularly you’ll know of stuff that happens more frequently.

Thanks all. Really interesting post @Starseeed. To be fair DS is pretty good at occupying himself if his sibling isn't in the house and say if DH and I are working. I think the problem when DS2 is there as well is that sometimes that he (DS2) wants to play with DS1 and hassles him when he's trying to play or read alone, and similarly if DS2 is occupied with stickers or colouring, DS1 often tries to interfere. When they're both there it's a bit like we have to have at least one doing something structured.

@SkankingWombat and @NinaFinch all very very familiar! On a week day I don't mind a bit of flexibility around the screens like you say@SkankingWombat as he's had a hard week. On a Friday he has no activities but has just done a full week of school and swimming, Beavers and cycling on three of the weekdays so I'm happy for him to have a couple of hours chilling out on his Switch. It's the weekend days when I need to limit it like you.

@NinaFinch yes DS loves lego! But when he's in an "I'm bored" mood he turns his nose up at most of my suggestions except for bloody board games. I probably need to be more persistent at leaving him be.

@Wenfy DS joined a cycling club after Christmas and does that once a week, he seems to love it and I don't know if it's a coincidence but his behaviour at school has been better since starting! He also has done junior park run with me a couple of times as DH and I both run so he's seen it as part of normal life for us. He moans and says he doesn't want to do JPR but he always seems to have enjoyed it and afterwards will sit and chat nicely in a cafe with cake.

@freespirit333 that's a good call about a cycling club, I think DTS1 would love it! He just has so much energy that going round and round a track should help I've enquired about our local one, hopefully will hear back soon.

I know what you mean about leaving them to it - although I have to stipulate to DS that he has to do something which doesn't involve a screen, once he's had enough TV/ gaming time - I've started saying "well if you're bored you can help me clean the windows/ mop the floor/ vacuum the bedrooms" which usually makes him occupy himself! I'm encouraging him to help with the cleaning and tidying too but it usually ends in him having a spectacular moan

He's been really hard work today actually, woke up in a terrible mood, sulked and moaned till he went into school - I had hopes that he'd have snapped out of it by the time I collected him, but nooooo. I don't think we've had more than 5 minutes this evening without him whinging about something and nothing, I'm so stressed and wound up I could cry. Some days it's honestly like still having a toddler, all the distraction techniques in the world don't help

Sorry to hear that @NinaFinch ! My DS is always worse at the end of term. Like you describe yours - grumpy, moody! Is yours ND or just hard work at the moment? I hope the Easter holidays are restful for you both.

He's ASD @freespirit333 - I know he's incredibly tired but honestly, tonight has nearly broken me! He definitely needs a routine for the holidays too otherwise he wants to spend hours on computer games which also makes him horrible

Does your DS do well in groups? Mine seems to have friends in school but struggles a bit socially, I think he's just 'too much' for a lot of the parents he's such a loving, caring little boy but gets very silly very quickly, won't listen, won't stop etc... and then we struggle with getting him to have quiet time/ downtime, as you've found too!