Unable to get over toddler pool guilt

[mamaGR]

Hi MNers,

We got married abroad back in September last year. It was us, our 8 & almost 3 year old. We had a gated pool too.

My son & daughter were in and out of the pool all day everyday. My son did a poop so changed him on the terrace area overlooking the pool. Husband was sat somewhere in the middle. I dashed indoors to dispose of the nappy and stupidly didn’t think to put my toddlers armbands on before doing so.

I head back outside next thing I know my daughter is shouting out to my husband to help. Our son had walked into the pool while I was inside and was struggling to stay head above water . My daughter lifted him up to keep his head above water while my husband dashed over to pull him out.

He was fine. Shaken but absolutely fine. I can’t get the image out of my head. The guilt consumes me. Thinking of the what ifs and how lucky we were that my daughter was in the pool. Hatred for myself that I didn’t put his armbands straight back on. The image. I can’t stop crying about it and it was a good 6 months ago now and the guilt is stronger than ever quite literally. I am the most over the top safety conscious person which is why I am so shocked as to why I didn’t immediately put his arm bands back on.

How the hell do I ever get over this?
I feel like such an awful mum and person and things could’ve been so different. Has anyone else been in this position?

Please 🙏🏼 don’t rip into me. I’m doing enough of that for myself now. I’m super on edge.

Thank you x

Was meant to say we had a villa with a gated pool so not open to public, just us.

Aw op. You sound traumatised. The shocking reality of how quickly life can change is profound. You're a good mum. We ALL make mistakes. You would never in a million years have done that deliberately. Stop punishing yourself - that won't change it. Be kind to yourself.

I agrée it's a horrible shock something like that and really stays with you.
When DD was about 6 months I was driving home from a baby class, the car seat seemed to move more than usual going around a corner in the rear view mirror. I turned round ar traffic lights and i hadn't strapped her seat in. She was fastened into infant carrier but it was just loose on back seat. I was distraught and had to pull over I was crying so hard thinking about what might have been. I had nightmares for ages after so I really sympathise

I still remember a near miss from over 30 years ago and still feel sick to my stomach about a mistake that could have cost my son's life. But I try to remind myself that the extreme anxiety I still feel shows this was a one off - try to cut yourself some slack and stop beating yourself up. And think about some professional help- I wish I had had it years ago - sending you the biggest 🫂 and sympathy

If it’s still bothering you could you talk to a therapist? I know it sounds a bit American but they would know how to help you past it.

Try not to beat yourself up. It takes 1 second to be distracted for something like this to happen. I think many parents have had some kind of near miss, at least 1.

Husband was sat somewhere in the middle.

So he was closer to them but didn't notice what was going on?

Why on earth are YOU feeling guilty? Your children have two parents.

It was a terrifying incident. Have you had counselling? That's the obvious first step.

You will be able to forgive yourself with the right help.

OP I think it’s highly probable you have PTSD. You can do an NHS self referral if you haven’t already for mental health services. I’d really recommend. I had a not dissimilar experience (circumstances different but my small DS could have died and I thought he might) and was diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety and depression as a consequence.

Take care OP. Your babies are fine ❤️

Where was your DH whilst you were changing the toddler and getting rid of the nappy? Inside? Or by the pool?

If he was by the pool then why wasn’t he watching?
All I can suggest is that you keep telling yourself that it was a mistake that you will never be making again. Your dc is fine and you’ve all learned from this small lapse in judgement.

I think everyone has near misses with toddlers at some point in one way or another and it’s normal to replay. There’s a water safety Facebook page with some really useful things on that I didn’t know ( fyi you can’t rely on armbands)https://www.facebook.com/aquaticsafetyconnection
If I was you I would spend some time reading it. Make some notes and keep them somewhere safe for your next holiday but mentally put it away until then.

Agree sounds like it could be PTSD, try to find a therapist trained in EMDR. It could really help you.

I remember my son being about 8 and I was heavily pregnant with his sister (so a lot bigger than normal)
I was stood putting his brothers armbands on when ds walked behind me just as I turned round and caught him with my 8 month pregnant bump
He caught him off guard and he slipped and fell in,hitting the water hard-knocking him out for a few seconds
Thankfully the lifeguard was on it and dragged him out
Trip to a&e later and he was fine
He's now 23 and laughs about it but I can honestly say the guilt will never leave me-i could have lost him-i just froze at the time
Please see your gp for help-we all fuck up from time to time
You'll never forget again

This. Crying months later and it was a pretty classic event that sparks PTSD.

Get some help for it, it is treatable.

All the best.

What did you learn from this ?
Write it down
Eg
Think before going off with dirty nappy (czn be taken in later)
Chevk dh is watching toddler

You hVe learned ftom this right?

It's easy to say don't beat yourself up etc (and, obviously, try not to, these things happen).

I think its something your mind is doing to you, some pp suggestions on here may help.
When my mind starts to get "stuck" I look after it - these are things which help me: seeing friends, meditating, yoga, sleeping enough, watching my alcohol intake, drawing, watching funny TV, excercise, daily cold showers, dancing, making music, enjoying nature, planning something to look forward to...
Or it might be good to cement your confidence being a mum, maybe take littlest one to a new class you can enjoy together?
Hope you find your happy again op and xan move on from this.

I had a near miss when my youngest was a toddler which still hits me in the guts and makes me feel sick with horror quite frequently now, 9 years later. It was sheer luck that he didn't die.

All I'm saying is you are not alone. I often think there but for the grace of God when I read about these accidents. So many of us have made these horrible mistakes and we are the lucky ones who don't have to live with the consequences.

@cestlavielife how spectacularly unhelpful.

@cestlavielife What a knob

I hear you. We had a horrible incident last year in a villa pool which gives me chills remembering it now. We hate talking about it but have gone over it together - it helps with taking the learnings from the experience. And processing it.

Have you been able to talk about these feelings with anyone? It sounds like you haven't been able to process it properly. I do feel these things will stay with us but can fade so that they aren't all-consuming.

I think turning it around to reflect on a positive would be beneficial for me.

@mamaGR

(((HUG)))

most of us have these moments, even the 'perfect parents' they might just not realise it.

you need to stop the 'What ifs' tell your inner voice to STFU, it didn't happen, so they're pointless.

It does sound like you would do well to talk to someone (professional) & 'off load'

you can't carry on like this, it's not doing any if you any good??

what was DH's immediate reaction like & how has he been since ?

Has your DD had anyone to talk to?

I had a near miss when my DD was a few weeks ago, her pram rolled and was about to go into traffic when a woman stopped the pram. I was sleep deprived and my reactions were slow. I wish I could thank that woman. My life would have been over, I would never have got over the guilt. There but for the grace of God.

• a few weeks old

OP, I think it might be beneficial to have some trauma therapy to support you to move forward in a healthy way. Both EMDR and Rewind Therapy can support you to process traumatic experiences.