Unable to get over toddler pool guilt

[mamaGR]

Hi MNers,

We got married abroad back in September last year. It was us, our 8 & almost 3 year old. We had a gated pool too.

My son & daughter were in and out of the pool all day everyday. My son did a poop so changed him on the terrace area overlooking the pool. Husband was sat somewhere in the middle. I dashed indoors to dispose of the nappy and stupidly didn’t think to put my toddlers armbands on before doing so.

I head back outside next thing I know my daughter is shouting out to my husband to help. Our son had walked into the pool while I was inside and was struggling to stay head above water . My daughter lifted him up to keep his head above water while my husband dashed over to pull him out.

He was fine. Shaken but absolutely fine. I can’t get the image out of my head. The guilt consumes me. Thinking of the what ifs and how lucky we were that my daughter was in the pool. Hatred for myself that I didn’t put his armbands straight back on. The image. I can’t stop crying about it and it was a good 6 months ago now and the guilt is stronger than ever quite literally. I am the most over the top safety conscious person which is why I am so shocked as to why I didn’t immediately put his arm bands back on.

How the hell do I ever get over this?
I feel like such an awful mum and person and things could’ve been so different. Has anyone else been in this position?

Please 🙏🏼 don’t rip into me. I’m doing enough of that for myself now. I’m super on edge.

Thank you x

I did something stupid with my 4 year old son about 20 years ago - I didn't think, and then realised far too late he was in terrible danger. Nothing happened, and he was fine, but many of us have had those moments, and thankfully got away with it.

You are not alone xx

Did you intend for your tone to be so nasty and condescending towards someone who is already genuinely struggling with guilt?

I had an incident where my DD then aged about 3 in full rain gear with fleeces underneath somehow fell in a pond outside and attraction near us. I hadn't noticed as I was busy with the car seat and thought she was right next to me (wanting to come in from the pouring rain and howling wind!).

By the time I saw her she was face down, not moving at all, in the icy water. It turned out only to be a few cm deep so she could have stood up, or pushed her head up and screamed, but she just lay there totally still (frozen in shock no doubt). That was 6 years ago and I can still feel what I felt the moment I saw her lifeless body. I ran over - or so I thought, but actually I could barely move - and a lady who had seen it all happen got there first. DD was totally fine, just cold. I still am not really ok if I think about it.

Over time though the horror of it has been relegated with more recent memories coming on top.

Don't beat yourself up. It's not what any parent wants to happen, and most of us are also very safety conscious, but these things do happen from time to time. If you feel this memory is negatively impacting your life and the thoughts are intrusive, then speak to your GP. If it's something g that upsets you when you think about it, but thoughts of it aren't intrusive then try letting yourself off the hook. You're neither the first nor the last parent who had this type of thing happen, you're just a normal parent trying their best.

Once ds snatched his hand out of mine and slipped down a jetty into the sea. Grabbed his coat as his feet hit the water.. Was over 20 years ago. Still shudder remembering.
Glad your dc are safe op.

The fact you are so upset over it shows what a fab mum you are ❤️ unfortunately things like this do happen and it's no reflection on you, I'm sure everyone experiences some sort of near miss event in their lives where they think "that could have gone really wrong". I know I have.

It's also one of those things that you are never going to forget to do again.

I'd suggest some sort of counselling as not only do you need to heal from your experience for yourself but also for the sake of your children as I'm sure you wouldn't want to be over anxious every time they are near a swimming pool because of the incident.

Maybe also look into swimming lessons for your little one so you can be reassured?

OP I was 8 months pregnant when I went upstairs to quickly grab something and my oldest followed me without me knowing. He was 2 at the time. I was the opposite end of the landing and he decided to step off the top step into nothing. I screamed and watched him tumble sideways all the way down the stairs, over and over like a tiny broken burrito. I was sure he was dead. I still relive it now and get tearful.
He was screaming for ages and I was sure he must have broken something or had some sort of terrible injury.
Not even a bruise. God knows how he walked away from that.
The suggestions upthread about EMDR are good ones. But also remember that nobody is perfect, accidents do happen, and most importantly, he WAS and IS fine and the alternative doesn't bear thinking about.

That was my point
In reflecting
Focus on the knowledge you have gained in managing kids round a pool
Not "what if" it had been worse
But maybe what if this incident will save my toddler or another child in future because now i know how vigilant to be

is there a reason dh wasnt watching them-why was it just down to you

does he feel any guilt

A bit American???? Its very normal to speak to someone, dunno what you mean by that!

OP you would defo benefit from speaking to someone. They will help you learn techniques to change your thinking away from the what ifs

Tbf there could've been 5 adults watching and an accident like this could still have happened. It happens so quickly unfortunately!

yes i know but op is shouldering all this guilt like she was the only one there

JustFew years ago when dc were 6 and 4, i nearly ran ds4 over. I was working full time in a job that takes a lot of mental power and i never fully switch off. Juggling a full time job, household chores and kids made me feel like a headless chicken running around. Anyway, we were going out, i was locking the house door, dc were getting in the car. They always get in by themselves. Their carseat were at each side of the car, so normally each kid will go to their side of the car. That day, for some reason, ds4 tried to get in from his brother's side but his brother was already seated and bucked in, so he ran to the other side via the back of the car. In the mean time, i got in the car , started the engine, reverse gear in and ready to step on the gas. Just in that moment, ds6 asked, where is ds4? I looked back, his seat empty and he was just emerging from that side of the car. Has ds6 not asked thst question at that exaxt moment, ds4 will be under the wheel.
I felt sick for months

Accidents happen (and it's why, as I've read before on MN, they're not called 'on purposes'). I agree with the others that you sound somewhat traumatised and you probably need to do whatever you can to make peace with it and move on (after all, it's in the past now and there's nothing you can do that will change it).

I know that terrified helpless feeling. My toddler tumbled from top to bottom of the stairs once (my DH was right next to him, but toddler slipped and lost his footing in a very unexpected manner and DH couldn't stop his fall in time). Thankfully he was absolutely fine (just shaken and a couple of bruises), but the shock (and the 'what ifs') stayed with both of us parents for weeks.

Am sure every parent has had a near miss with their children. I can think of at least three potential disasters with my lot …they are now strapping,healthy adults ! Time will heal and help you accept that no parent is perfect 💐

My dd was in a terrible accident when she was just turned 3, one of those where I didn't realise the danger until it was too late. She is fine now, albeit with scars. It's coming up to 4 years on and we're (DH and I) still affected by it, although the feelings do rationalise over time.
My top tips: however you feel, make sure it does not impact your kids. I pushed myself to not show upset about dd's scars because I didn't want her to copy me. I think this actually helped me too, as I didn't get to wallow in guilt.
If the memories feel like they are happening now, then that is a sign of PTSD. This is what I was told by the hospital therapist, but I didn't actually develop PTSD myself. That does not mean I am fine about it all, just that time is healing me slowly without intervention needed.
As demonstrated here, it can happen to anyone. We can't forsee every danger.

How terrifying for you OP, no wonder you are replaying it in your mind. All too quickly accidents can happen. Thankfully no harm came to your DS. Most parents can recall very close shaves with similar happenings, me included. Stop beating yourself up about it, it won’t change what happened. Perhaps it would be beneficial for you to speak to a counsellor. Good luck going forward OP.

Oh lord, OP!

My mind is now flicking through all the near miss moments mine had! Time slows down, the scene replays-

I'm sorry, but there will probably be more before your DC get to adulthood.

Take a breath, focus on it being a great save, not a near miss.

I think these events can be great for keeping us on our toes and making sure we never settle for 'oh it will probably be fine, it'll never happen to me, it's ok just this once...' etc.

If it hadn't happened you may have had years ahead of you, bickering with DH about acceptable risk and suitable supervision.

Please don't think I'm downplaying what happened, it's just the way I manage things- find a way to benefit from it.

So glad you were all ok OP. What a scare. A lot of what you mentioned does sound like PTSD, particularly given the fact that 6months has passed. The way we tend to feel after scary events like these does tend to get better with time in the immediate months, but if the memory is still popping up unprompted, and has a here-and-now feel to now, it might be worth speaking to your local IAPT service about treatment. Sometimes memories can become "stuck", and there is treatment that works.

Yes my ' near miss' made me realise that I could never allow myself to relax or switch off when I was watching my DD. It was a vital yet sobering lesson. I'm very lucky that a passerby came to my DD's aid after the pram rolled. I carried her in the sling after that.

Thank you so much everyone for your replies. I really appreciate each and every one of them.

Trying to answer any questions people asked.

A pp asked how my daughter was. Luckily, even though it was just 6/7 months ago, she doesn’t even remember. I am so thankful for this. I also believe it is because at the time and in the hours after it although I praised her for being so grown up and helping her brother, I didn’t go into hysterics about it infront of her for the very reason I didn’t want it becoming a core memory for her. Rightly or wrongly I remember my instinct was for it to not affect her and to not appear to create hysteria.

My husband on the other hand remembers it totally different. He doesn’t remember him being in the pool only near it without armbands and him pulling our son away.
I still can’t believe he doesn’t remember. He’s a very good hands on Dad so I wonder if it’s some way he’s blocked it out i’m not sure.

My DH finds it weird that i’m being effected by this just now and I have no explanation for it. He tells me we were very lucky and that it’ll never happen again- all this I know. I’m kind of frustrated with him that he doesn’t remember this as it actually was.

I have contacted a therapist today and have arranged a chat with them tomorrow. It’s a mine field but hve gone with someone on the EMDR for PTSD register. It’s really starting to effect my daily routine and moods.

Im also 10 weeks pregnant so I guess the hormones aren’t helping. I feel not as bad during the day but when it comes to the evening I find my symptoms - flashbacks, panic, palpitations , tears , all so intense.

I hope therapy is helpful to you OP. Glad to read your update