AIBU to make my son pay this money back?

[Tryintoparent]

Discovered our youngest DS, age 8, money had gone missing from his money box (£120)
After much questioning and threats of ‘having to involve the police’ because money had been stolen from our house, our eldest DS, age 12 eventually admitted he had been taking it and buying sweets on the way to school!
He had also spent £180 of his own money without our knowledge…. All on sweets over the space of a few months!

We have told eldest DS that he needs to pay his brother back but realistically we don’t know how.
We have threatened to take the money out of what we would spend on his birthday but I don’t know if I could handle the guilt of that!
AIBU to take it out of his birthday fund?

any suggestions on how to deal with this would be really appreciated!

£300 on sweets? Are you 100% sure there is nothing else going on like bullying
or trying to buy friends?

that’s a lot of sweets.

Mine would be paying back by working off extra chores.

Does he get regular pocket money?

How is oldest DS behaving since being caught? Does he have any remorse or understanding of how serious this is? It's not just £10, you're talking over £100 of his own money and over £100 of his brothers!! Even I would be reluctant to spend that amount of my own money, never mind steal someone elses.

I would not feel guilty for removing money from his birthday fund, or Xmas, or holidays. Anything. He needs to understand there are consequences. Maybe set up a "chore chart" of some kind, he needs to work to pay back his debt. Maybe that sounds a bit harsh, but that's what I think.
But I would be more bothered about why he has done this and why he thought it was okay! It must have taken months to spend that kind of money! How is he reacting to all of this?

He hasn’t had an easy time at school. Been finding it hard fitting in etc.
I have had a massive heart to heart with him to really see if it was just sweets and he said he was buying them off of a boy on the bus at super inflated prices! A pack of fruit pastilles for a fiver, oh and he bought two prime drinks off of someone for £20 each.
I do think he’s doing it all to ‘fit in’ and ‘be cool’

I would write a list of jobs with a low monetary value next to them. Like unpack the dishwasher for ,50 p. Mop the floor for a pound. And make him pay it off. Really make it a horrible experience. If this doesn’t work then yes take it out of what would be his birthday present. At 12 he knows not to do this, he just made a bad choice. But it’s something you can’t just let go.

I agree, this needs a bit more probing OP to make sure nothing else is going on. £300 on sweets in a few months is A LOT.

I can see why you feel like that about his birthday, but a friend of mine once carried out a threat not to provide the Christmas gift her Son had asked for after a pattern of terrible behaviour, and the lesson was very much learnt! (They got him token gifts to open and he did receive the desired gift at a later date once he'd vastly improved his behaviour, but the consequences made him stop and think).

If he doesn't have pocket money that can be withheld until it's paid back then I'd consider it.

He wasn’t as we just tend to buy things as and when. I wouldn’t say he’s spoilt but he also doesn’t go without in the grand scheme of things.
we’ve actually just started giving him £5 a week so that he has some way to pay his brother back. Questioning if that is the right thing to do?

He stole from his little brother of course he pays back every penny and a punishment for doing it on top!

Oh dear, now it looks like you’re rewarding him for stealing. Give him chores to earn money to repay his brother.

He seemed very remorseful and both my husband and I have spoken with him together and separately. He has said he’s very sorry and said he was buying the sweets off a boy on the bus at ridiculous prices.
he’s not having the best time at school and he tried to make the excuse it was his way of fitting in.
We’re most upset that he could do this to his little brother.
A chore chart is something DH and I have spoken about so yes that could be an option.
I don’t think you sound harsh at all. We agree he needs to pay it back - we’re just struggling with the best way for him to do it

Definitely sounds like more support is needed and potentially bullying the money is the least of the issues

This is probably the best way to go. Thank you

I know. I’m sick with worry to be honest. Doesn’t help when I start reading up on county lines etc.
In my heart, I think he has just been a bit of an idiot and laid stupid prices to this other boy for sweets he could’ve bought himself.

I know!! Argh! We ummed and ahhed for ages.
Our logic was that he didn’t have his own money to buy the odd sweet on his way to school which is why he’s taken it.
We made it make sense at the time haha! But now seriously questioning if we’ve been a bit stupid

There has been a few issues that we’ve had to deal with in regards to bullying but he said it’s all calmed down now.
Im a very emotional person so I do panic that he doesn’t want to upset so holds things back?
I would say he has a good relationship with both me and his dad and does talk to us. It’s just hard to know the true extent of everything.
he’s an emotional kid as well so it’s sometimes hard to judge situations when we’re obviously not there

This is a good idea. Thank you for this

Are you sure the bully story is true ?

Even though he had his reasons that is something to approach with the school, theft in itself remains serious and you need to remain serious and not be inclined to minimise due to external reasons. Your younger son needs to see that this was handled justly and not written off because his big brother potentially talked his way out of it by changing the focus

I feel a bit harsh saying that but it does feel like you are inclined to let him off and I don't think he should be TOTALLY let off. I think that though bullying might be the cause of the theft the two things should be separated from each other.

I bet it's tough but you have to set a firm boundary here

The bully story is true as we’ve had to have conversations with head of year and some other parents. That was a few months ago and we ‘think’ it has died down somewhat, fingers crossed.

I absolutely agree with you and our DS will absolutely pay back every single penny and we’ve had the discussion with his brother that he will be paid back.

You have raised a very valid point that the two should be kept separate, bullying and theft.
That somehow makes it slightly easier in my head!

I suffer from guilt and hold my hands up that if it were just me, I would probably end up feeling awful and just pay my son back myself - I know, I know!
Thank goodness for my DH. He is firm and will 100% follow through with what we have said, that it needs to be paid back.

I would ensure that he repays his brother himself by jobs round the house, birthday money etc. In light of his reasons I would allow some birthday money/gifts but he still needs to realise that stealing is not ok and he handled the situation badly so I would still want the full amount repaid, albeit perhaps over a longer time frame.

You have raised a very valid point that the two should be kept separate, bullying and theft.
That somehow makes it slightly easier in my head!

Think of it like this :

Older Son - Victim of Bullying. Needs Addressing

Younger Son - Victim Of Theft, Needs to see you act for them

I don't envy you you have a lot going on, Good Luck OP

First thing: your children have access to too much money. £120 in an 8 year old’s money box and £180 accessible to a 12 year old without you noticing. That’s putting temptation in their way. Money boxes are for £10 or so. More than that should be in the bank.

Secondly, your 12 year old is quite clearly being bullied and the money extorted from him. Report it to the school. Don’t make him pay it back. Try and get it back from the perpetrator. Otherwise, write it off and protect their money better in future.

I would start giving them both pocket money but give his brother a third or half more until the amount is paid back , I also wouldn’t be leaving such large sums of money accessible .

I wouldn't start giving a child pocket money when they started stealing for their younger sibling, no. That seems like a strange suggestion.

A 12 year old, or younger child, shouldn't have that much access to cash. That's a ridiculous amount to be in a piggy bank and surely you should know that. Children don't have the same impulse control as adults, so even without him stealing, no wonder he was frittering through this own money so fast.

You need to open them both proper bank accounts and your son should be made to pay back his brother. Chores are not paid for in my house, they need doing and I don't get paid to bloody do them. The house is run by all members of our family.

Take it from his upcoming birthday money so he has reduced presents. Sell his PlayStation. He doesn't get to steal from his younger brother.

But you and his dad need to take some responsibility in this too.

Oh, this rings bells with knobs on! My DD1, who is extremely vulnerable (many disabilities and diagnoses), is now in Y10 but in Y7 I discovered that she was ‘stealing’ significant sums of money from home in order to buy black market sweets from a fellow pupil at inflated prices. I was hopping mad and phoned school who apparently have a policy about this; the other child was dealt with appropriately and swiftly and the sweet scalping ended immediately. Honestly, I would contact your DS’s school and explain what is going on on the school bus.