Completely overwhelmed with two young children

[buttongalore]

Hi ladies

I feel utterly terrible for even writing this post but I feel so alone and clearly not thinking straight half the time. I have a 3.5 year old DD and a 8 month old DS baby and these past few months have been so so hard. I don’t know how to divide my attention between my toddler and my baby. I was getting some help from my DH whilst he was WFH but now he’s in the office and I’m sinking deeper. My toddler just doesn’t listen to me, no matter if I ask nicely or not. Everything is a tantrum and crying at the top of her lungs where I just want to disappear. On top of that I’m dealing with my baby and trying my best to give organic food to him plus sort out dinners and also battling with my health (recently been told I have trigeminal neuralgia). I get these intense electric shocks in my eye and this only started since the birth of my first child so I’m assuming it’s stress related.

On a day to day basis I just roam around tending to one kid to the next in my dressing gown. Some days I can’t even shower. I haven’t had my hair cut in over a year. I’m just consumed in motherhood and I keep thinking about will I ever be able to work again. I feel like I have to watch them 24/7 because there’s times she will hit the baby and he cries in distress. I don’t want to constantly tell her off because she’s also my baby and is dying for my attention. I sometimes wonder is this PND but at the same time I get angry with myself for even thinking how can you be depressed when you have everything you ever asked for. I am so tired

Im struggling

Oh bless you, it feels hard because it is hard! It won't be like this forever though. Does your little girl go to nursery yet?

As a mum who had PND im asking your kindly and gently to speak to your health visitor or GP. Show the your post.
PND isn’t about having everything you every wanted and still being unhappy. It’s about needing some support.
This Saturday morning give the children to your DH. Have him take them out for the day. He is not to come home until 14:00 at the earliest. Have a shower and then go to bed. Sleep. As much as you need.
Organic food is good and all but maybe lower your standards a little? I weaned DS 2 largely on banana - he is now a strapping teen and eats everything. Pouches and jars are also ok:
Could the toddler go to nursery a couple of times a week to give you a break?
be kind to yourself. You are keeping two small people alive - it’s really quite hard!

Sending you a big hug - ask yourself what would make it easier even if they were little things like having your lunch prepped, talk to your husband and see what can be achieved from that list and it might make a difference xx

Sorry that you are going through this. Could you get your husband to look after the children for a morning and get yourself off for some rest or do something just for you. Yes it is hard work and so you need a break from it If you know that you can have regular breaks it probably won’t seem as if you are drowning in child rearing

Send the older child to nursery to give you a break. She needs consistent boundaries every time she hits the baby. Be firm and remove her away from baby if she persists. You have to build the foundations of good discipline in your children from the start.
And definitely visit the GP with a view to meds to help you cope. I think all of us are in the same boat with small children to look after.
Ask your husband for support and maybe he could take the baby and you could spend an hour or two just you and your eldest one day a week so she becomes more secure.

How long until your eldest gets their free nursery hours? From your post I feel that you might be setting your bar too high. Life with two under fives is simply about existing, not organic food and looking great. I know it may feel like you're losing who you are and what you intended but if it puts unnecessary pressure on yourself then don't do it.
The house can be messy.
They can eat freezer food.
You can put them in front of the telly and just have some time if you're struggling.
Ask your dh for some serious help at the weekends.
Speak to your GP.
It's not wonderful right now but it will be. Toddlers are awful but they grow and in two years you'll be out the other side and will find yourself again.

It’s hard to know what to practically advise from your op. I started off with ‘she needs to massively lower her standards’ when you stated you think you need to feed your children organically. But then you say you don’t shower for days which shouldn’t happen either. What’s a typical day for you?

It does get so much easier but the early days are so tough.

Got to admit this is when I'd give the toddler my phone or a tablet to watch Mr tumble in their cot so I could take the baby into the bathroom in a bouncy chair and have a shower. Not ideal but I personally couldn't not shower.

Great you're cooking organic but a few cheat meals won't hurt anyone.

Tell your OH you need a break regularly. He can't be working 24/7

I'm in the trenches with two under two OP and if you can afford it I'd pay for a mother's help. Someone to give a hand a couple of hours a few times a week so you don't have to be on guard and on edge all day long. Childcare.co.uk is a good site for finding someone.

Then you can shower, make your lovely nutritious meals and keep your sanity.

I have 2 DS with an 18m gap. Eldest is 4 and next week I'll be going to my 4th hair appointment since he was born. It's a hard thing to fit into life. As are showers. I didn't get one until DP came home from work on Monday as they were too excitable to be trusted on their own and they wouldn't come into bathroom with a toy. Other days they do no problem. Tiny people cannot be relied upon!

I'm slowly entering a stage where it's feeling a bit more manageable but it has been a difficult time. DS2s first year in particular was hard as he didn't sleep well and I was adapting to their different needs.

Nursery helps, even a day a week for your toddler. I often feel guilt I can't enjoy these years fully as it can be so hard, so make whatever small changes I can to make the days easier and take the pressure off.

The idea of DH taking the DC out this weekend is exactly what you need.

Then you need to change the weekday routine. Forget the organic food. Focus on basics.

1 outside for fresh air every day. It will help tire out your toddler and everything seems more bearable outside.

2 DH needs to watch the DC in the morning so you can shower and get dressed.

3 self care for you. Something every day that makes you feel good. It doesn’t need to be big. 5 minutes on your own can really help. Applying some lovely hand cream. Calling a friend or family member. Then on the weekend, a longer block of time to yourself.

Id start with those changes.

Then as long as DC2 is fed and safe, I’d focus more on entertaining your oldest. Baby will still benefit from watching. What does DC1 like to do? Cuddle up with books? Bake? Craft?

It is a tough time but you will get there.

I hear you. I had a baby and a toddler (one who wouldn’t listen and wild laugh and run off in the opposite direction, while angelic biddable children looked on).

i look back and wished I had got 1 day of childcare per week. One regular day where I could do what I wanted. It’s literally my biggest parenting regret. I put the kids ‘first’, when I should have just given myself a break. Agree with a poster above, het your DH to take the kids away for minimum of 4 hours this weekend. Hey yourself some regular mid week help.

How are you managing your trigeminal neuralgia? That's a massive addition to the normal stresses of life with very young children.

Thank you all for your kind words, you have no idea how much that means to me.

My toddler does go nursery 3x a week which is a massive help. Thank god for the 30 hours childcare. It’s just the other 4 days she’s at home, it can really take its toll on me because everything is a challenge and I’m guessing there’s a lot of jealousy since her baby brother came along. I have now invested in a buggy board and will start taking them both for walks.

In terms of the trigeminal neuralgia, a private consultant has put me on nerve medication which I think is helping. I have been trying to manage it with diet and yoga but to it makes no difference. My body knows I’m stressed and I want to tell my body - no I'm fine!

I guess the reason I put myself under so much pressure to make fresh organic foods for the kids is because I don’t want them to suffer later on in their life with health problems like me.

@User13579367337
Thank you for your message

So a typical day is waking up to my toddler screaming for me which then sets the baby off and they are both crying. I go straight to them, get them dressed and straight downstairs. I don’t even brush my teeth or go to the toilet.

Once downstairs I make their breakfast. Feed toddler first and then my baby. I then have to listen to my toddler whining about what she wants to watch on tv and I just end up zoned out on the sofa dreading the rest of the day. It’s only when I do the feed for the baby at 11:45am and put him down for a nap, I then finally manage to go for a wee and brush my teeth! No shower as DD is alone downstairs. Then the rest of the day is just based around the kids - cooking, feeding, DD nagging me every 20 mins she’s hungry (I try so hard to keep calm)!

I feel as if I’m just existing

💐
Where does your DH feature in the mornings?? He should be doing enough to make sure you can at least go to the toilet. And he should be making you a cup of tea or coffee.

If the DC wake up at a regular time, would it help
if you got up 15 minutes earlier? Then you could use the bathroom, have a quick wash and get dressed.

Good to hear about the buggy Get out as much as you can. And be kind to yourself. The DC are at really tough ages and you are unwell yourself.

Things will get better

Sorry you are struggling. When they wake up take your daughter into the bathroom with you and brush your teeth and toilet first thing you need to make sure your basic needs are met first After breakfast could you put the baby In a safe space and have a bath or shower with your daughter ? I think you would feel much better facing the day if you could find a way to get ready You must get out the house every day aswell. A walk to the park or the library looking at books is a good time filler. It won't be this hard much longer. I'm guessing your daughter will start school not too far away Speak to your gp if you think you are depressed and reach out to friends and family if you can talk about how you feel

I get that you want your kids to eat organic, however mental health is just as important as well and these kids needs a mumma who isn’t at her breaking point. Quit the organic food for now and try and food prep on the weekend maybe when DH takes the kids for a walk ( get him to do this so you have a chance to breathe, shower etc)

Does your toddler stay up a bit later than the baby - if not let your Todd stay up 30 mins later if you can and call it special mummy and DD time! It sounds like your DD is struggling with the adjustment and can’t and doesn’t know how to communicate it. If you can carve out time for her everyday on clockwork she may relax and your day may get easier- hopefully

Ah mate, sending a virtual hug. My two are very similar ages (3.5 and 6 months) and I understand how you feel.

Please don't forgo showers etc. There's always a way, don't give up, you deserve it. When mine wake up we all go to the loo together. I have a spare changing mat in the bathroom to quickly put the youngest on (just on the floor) and chat to the 3yo. Usually I have a shower before DH goes to work (so he can watch the kids), but on days where that doesn't work I bring the youngest in the bathroom with me in their bumbo seat, and oldest watches YouTube kids on my phone (she doesn't have loads of screen time, but sometimes it's a godsend).

It's also fine to tell your oldest off as much as they need. They're 3 and pushing boundaries all the time. Yes of course they need kindest and understanding, but don't have mum guilt about having a new baby stop you from disciplining them. Hitting their sibling would be an automatic trip to the naughty step/removal of treat or favourite toy. If she wines I just repeat that wining doesn't get an answer, explain properly how you're feeling/ask nicely for something you want. On the flip side, give lots of praise when they do something well, lots of encouragement etc and play 1-2-1 with them when your baby naps.

Also two words: Ellas. Kitchen.

Why does DH not do anything to help in the mornings? They are his children.

@buttongalore how are you doing?

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Sorry for the late reply. We’ve all come down with a virus 😥 So been quite tough.

My hubby leaves for work very early in the mornings so cannot help with the kids. It’s been tough for us because he was made redundant a few weeks ago and now has to travel far for less money. Proper sucks

I do buy Ella’s pouches for sure but it’s just not something I can give my baby everyday. How does everyone else do it? I find it so time consuming to make fresh food 3x a day for him.

I am going to try having a shower tomorrow with baby in bouncer and DD watching tv. The only worry is she hits him behind my back so that’s why I feel I just can’t keep my eyes off them.

I have spoken to the GP and we have increased my meds to help with the low mood. I just don’t like being on medication at all

I also want to return to work as soon as I can but how does everyone do it with two young kids? My toddler will be starting school in sept but where will baby go? How can mums stay sane? We get no support. No free hours for 1 year olds.

My top tips include feeding everyone the same food, baby as well (adult humans can add salt or spice afterwards).

Get yourselves out of the house daily, yes it sounds harder but actually it's so much better for mental wellbeing and it will give you energy, baby groups where the toddler can play and you can chat were a life saver for me.

Have daily me time eg an evening bath or shower when your dp is home, no compromising. Not necessarily a long time just 15 minutes for you.

Have safe places the children can be so you can turn your back

Don't be afraid to say no to them or that they need to wait.

Many of us have been there and these are my coping strategies. Mine are 2 years apart and the elder was diagnosed with autism at 2, non verbal etc etc so I really do get the full on feeling

Your dh needs to do everything possible to prioritise your sleep - it’s the key to health, coping, mood, energy …everything.

If you’re breastfeeding there are strategies you can use at night that help. If he can give an expressed bottle so that you can get a stretch of 6 hours in one go it will help.