Toddler not paying attention when teaching / showing how to get it done

[hamburger123]

Hello All,

This is my first thread and post as well.

I have 4 years old boy who just turned 4 this month. He goes to the nursery and very happy kid. He is our only kid and we are the family of 3 only. (Mum, dad and my boy)

Recently we started teaching him how to color the book using crayons and he just wouldnt pay attention to what we (me and my Mrs) were teaching / showing him. He doesnt want to write anything like alphabets etc. He couldnt even hold pen / crayon color in the fingers, before we say that his fingers may not have developed, he can smash a flimsy toy with just fingers so his fingers are strong for sure. If we are giving him instructions e.g. about how to play with remote car, how to play with hotwheels cars he just wouldnt pay attention and would do what he thinks is right and if we try to correct or show him then he would just get angry on us and throw tantrum. I am really getting worried as a father. If he continues to do that how would he be able to cope when he goes to reception? Even nursery teacher told us that he doesnt pay any attention in the class but in the group activities he excel fine. His motor skills are very good too.

How can we as parent improve this? We had a bit of heated argument with him couple of days ago when we forced him to paint a picture using crayons, this resulted in crying episode and now he wouldnt even hold simple pen in his hands.

He is very sharp though, we are from non English speaking background and he adapted to the Nursery very well and now he answers in English if we speak in our mother tongue. He knows all the colors, around 10-15 countries flags, recognizes almost every car brand through the logo and even recognizes the car brand on the UK roads just by looking at the tyre or shape of the car (this really amazes me!) He learnt all this from youtube. One more thing I noticed is, he remembers where he kept XYZ thing. If I give a thing to him and ask him where it is if I am unable to fine. He will just show it where it is kept.

I am really confused as a parent on what I am doing wrong. I dont want him to fall behind everyone to think he doesnt know anything.

I am really worried for him, if he is not paying attention now then how would he pay attention to whatever being taught in the school. Isnt paying attention is basic to learning in school?

Thank you for reading this long post.

Hoping to have some replies on this topic which has made me to lose my sleep.

Thank you.

It's totally developmentally normal for that age. Imagine every time you were having fun exploring something new and exciting someone sat you down and showed you how to do it the "proper" way - which both implies the way the child is doing it is wrong and is usually infinitely less fun than the way they want to do it. Just let him have fun and play.

you forced him to do a picture.
how would you feel if someone over twice your size, two of them, forced you to do something completely unnecessary.
would you comply sweetly, or kick off.
have you read any books or looked at youtubes of child development.
and you should be on your child's side, getting to know him, with respect and attentive patience.
not worrying about other people thinking he might be behind.
this sounds like, what will the neighbours think.
that is so last century.
we know better now.

Is there a right way to play with cars? Don't worry, you are interested so just listen to pre school reports and he'll be fine.

Some kids just don't like certain activities. It's fine. Don't force him to colour if he doesn't want to.

At that age it’s about discovery on their own. Imagination is a big thing.

reception is there for him to learn the school norms.

He is only 4 and in Nursery. He doesn't need to be colouring or writing yet unless he wants to.
Usually by having paper and crayons around children will pick them up and have a bit of doodling but some won't be interested yet at 4.
You don't need to teach him 'how to colour' or how to play with cars in a certain way - just let him play and if he can't do something like how to steer a RC car he will ask for help if he wants to.

@hamburger123 look at this please re bone development and why a toddler can't write/draw like an older child.

No need for any of that "correcting" behaviour!

He is 4, he will learn everything in his own time. Let him alone and have some faith.

Rather than everyone getting frustrated re the writing do some of the activities recommended above!

Don't worry too much OP. This sounds normal for his age. He wants to discover things for himself rather than being told what to do!

Learning to leaving reception is through play. Preparing to write is playdo, threading, mark making in sand or gloop, why are you trying to teach him work that won't be taught at school for at least another year?
Preparation for school ie reception year is independence skills...self dressing, putting shoes on, coat on and off, toileting, pouring drinks ..practised in water play, separating from carers, sharing turn taking, listening to stories, eating independently, asking for help. It's not singing the ABC song or colouring in lines forcing him will make him hate it. Boys particularly learn by being active and doing which one s why outdoors and forest schools are so good.
Let him enjoy being a young child, enjoy him

Thanks a lot everyone for taking your time out to read and post your replies.

I have understood the mistakes that we both as parents were doing and long term impact on my kid would've been devastating. This now has completely stopped.

I will leave the development on himself and will try and focus on other things as I think damage is already done of him not liking what we are telling, instead of making it worse, I will try and make it better.

Hi @alexdgr8 you mentioned about books, can you please suggest me some parenting books? We both didnt read any books on parenting as you might have already guessed and now I feel it is a need of an hour.

I was just getting panicked and worried. It will be best to leave it to him as he is a very sharp little fella.

As I said we are not from the UK and so we dont know much about early schools in the UK. So what exactly they do in nursery? He did sing few songs that was taught in the school. BTW he was made king in the Christmas play which was amazing to see and he did carry it really well.

I couldnt stop myself from asking this one last question. What could be the possible reason that he is not paying attention in the school?

Thank you so much again for reading my long post and taking time to reply to it.

we are from non English speaking background and he adapted to the Nursery very well and now he answers in English if we speak in our mother tongue

Well, it's good (and normal and natural) that he picked up English at nursery, but if you're letting him respond in English when you speak to him in [other language], he's not going to develop his vocabulary and knowledge in [other language] and when he's a bit older, won't be able to speak [other language]. This is a very sad outcome which you should prevent.

He sounds completely normal, my son is about to turn 4 and only JUST started to try and write the letter of his name. He sounds much like your son as in he prefers learning with toys/role play/group work. It hadn't even crossed my mind him being able to hold a pencil at this age. Just let him go at his own pace and explore things how he was to explore.

All a parent has to do is create the opportunities for children to enjoy new things exposure to books- I used to fling them on the back seat, so he would automatically pick them up on a journey, going to the zoo letting him enjoy the sounds and smells, go to the pantomime, reads lots of different types of books, what a kids film together, sing with him. All of these things will encourage curiosity and engagement.

I remember being sad that a parent told me he was reading Oliver Twist with his son, in order to help his poor reading. Whenever the boy made a mistake, he had to start the page again- they were on their 13th attempt.

It's worth reading up on educating boys. Early years is very much about learning by doing, following interests and putting concepts like maths and early phonics into what they do ....filling jugs teaches understanding of volume for example. Building and construction ....team work, basics of balance, size and shape.

Sounds very much like our 3 year old, the pre school are putting him in a special group to learn to listen and pay attention.
But at this age the mantra is very much, Follow The Child! There's no such thing as the wrong way to play.
If you have arguments with your child, try to reflect on their side of the situation and apologize afterwards, it's a good example and saves you going around the same cycle of emotions again and again.
And good luck, enjoy your child.

Just make sure he has the materials and opportunities to colour and draw and find fun in doing those things. Maybe even model those things yourself. Do some doodling! Ask him to add a silly moustache to your stick man or a tail to your cat!
Read to him. Make it snuggly and special. Let him see you reading me enjoying it. Books not screens.
You sound like you really want to get this right and set up him for success at school. Just make it fun and on his terms.
Good luck and have fun with it!

4 year old children generally have the attention span of a gnat. He sounds like he's doing really well. Play with him more, letting him lead you. Sing, read stories, have colouring and writing stuff about, but for him to discover through play, not for you to try formal teaching.

What could be the possible reason that he is not paying attention in the school?

Because it's not fun being told what to do and when to do it when you're full of energy and imagination and still in awe of the world around you

There are different ways to build pre writing skills that appeal more to some people. Forcing a child to do something they aren't interested in, to the point of tears, hinders rather than helps.

Instead of colouring a picture with crayons, might he prefer making a model from boxes and painting it?

Drawing a race track in jumbo chalks for cars on the patio.

Using a tablet with a stylus and games where he has to trace lines etc.

Playing games like "operation".

He's learned a hell of a lot from YouTube. He is way too young to be watching that crap. Reduce the screen time, it will be what is killing his attention span.

That said, you'll get people on here saying it doesn't matter, I'd disagree. A four year old should be able to hold and use a crayon. Mines a late august summer born & in reception and can write their name and lots of other letters. Id be working on it but more subtlely, make it fun, never force, ensure it appeals to his interests.

Re paying attention, he's probably perfectly capable of:

• listening to his favourite story
• focusing on a duplo model or other activity he enjoys

There's an art to encouraging children to master skills they need, that don't interest them much, and primary school teachers are trained in it.

Focus on what the skill opens up that he's actually interested in. Make sure the picture to colour is his favourite character etc.

I'm fairly certain at that age my son was still quite happily eating crayons rather than doing anything art-related with them 😁

The possible reason that he is not paying attention in nursery is also that...he's just turned 4. As long as they're not flagging it up as a major issue then I'd listen to PP advice and cut the little guy some slack.

I would say have play be child led so that he can increase his attention span by doing what he wants to do out of a range of options. With mine I would say something like do you want to

• play on your tricycle in the drive?
• draw pictures or do colouring in?
• build with legos?
• do a puzzle?

and let them choose…

When it comes to playing, let him make up the game and you follow. If he is on his tricycle deciding he is going to ferry his toys on a journey to the moon, then play along. When drawing or art, join in by doing your own colouring or art work and when you show them “look I drew a house” they often go, oh I want to do one too or ooo can you draw me in the window of your house? Let them draw what they want and praise it - lovely snake, great tree, awesome lorry and so on.