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Original poster

Help, how do I deal with this nightmare situation?

44 replies

Ilovepugs2017 · 21/03/2023 12:49

Not sure where to start really…
Will try to keep this as concise as possible.

So I separated from my eldest sons dad when he was 18 months old. He’s now 12. At the moment his dad barely sees him. He says he works 4 weekends off and 4 weekends on so basically he has him four weekends in a row on a Friday evening until Saturday afternoon (his choice).
Ive said he’s more than welcome to see him after school some days if he’s not working etc but he never does.

Anyway, when I try and communicate with him about our Son he barely even replies and when he does it’s often days later. The issue I’ve got is with his current girlfriend who he’s been with for 5 years.

She often texts me giving me crap randomly and tries to get involved with sorting out the arrangements I have with my sons dad.
The latest thing is that my son is meant to go over this weekend as it’s meant to be his dads turn to see him - the start of his four weekends off from work. So I texted him yesterday just to double check that’s still going ahead. No response from him.

I then get her texting me today and saying he is working Saturday night so wouldn’t be able to see our Son really and that if he goes over his dad wouldn’t be able to spend time with him and basically she would have to look after him.

I’ve basically responded and said that it’s meant to be his weekend to see him and that if he’s not able to spend time with his dad then what’s the point in him going over? I’ve explained to her that his dad barely sees him much as it is and that this would just be waste of time essentially.

Her response was to basically text me a load of abuse and try ringing me repeatedly. She seems to be under the assumption that I don’t want her to look after my son, but as I’ve said to her several times the issue is that he needs to spend time with his dad aswell.

I haven’t responded to her since as it’s stressing me and I’m already unwell with covid. This is not a one time occurrence by the way, it’s like every now and again she tries to start an arguement. Several times it’s been paranoia type texts asking me if I want to get back with my sons dad when she clearly knows I’m happily married and wouldn’t take him back if someone offered me a million pound to do so.

Ive told her I just need to communicate with his dad about arrangements and that she doesn’t need to get involved, same as my husband wouldn’t be texting him to sort out arrangements.

she’s got access to his phone so obviously reads his texts and often when I do speak to him she’s there by his side chiming in.

Feel like I’m at my wits end with it. Just trying to help my son have a decent relationship with his dad but she’s always causing issues.

any advice?

OP posts:
KnickerlessParsons · 21/03/2023 13:12

It's your son's weekend when his Dad has responsiblity for him. If his Dad can't look after his son himself, he's entitled to put alternative arrangements in place.

After all this time, you should be pleased that your son has a good enough relationship with his Dad's GF that she's prepared to look after him when his Dad can't. Presumably, the Dad will be home in the evenings.

Pseudonamed · 21/03/2023 13:18

Block her phone number for a start. She can't abuse you if you have her blocked.

AmandaHoldensLips · 21/03/2023 13:21

Block her number. She shouldn't be involving herself in your child's visitation arrangements.

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Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 21/03/2023 13:34

KnickerlessParsons · 21/03/2023 13:12

It's your son's weekend when his Dad has responsiblity for him. If his Dad can't look after his son himself, he's entitled to put alternative arrangements in place.

After all this time, you should be pleased that your son has a good enough relationship with his Dad's GF that she's prepared to look after him when his Dad can't. Presumably, the Dad will be home in the evenings.

Sorry I should have explained he works night shifts so sleeps in the day time and goes to work in the night. I have no issues with her spending time with my son/looking after him to help his dad but the point I’m trying to make is that what is the purpose in him going over if he’s not actually going to be seeing his dad? He’s seen him 3 times since the new year because he’s always making excuses or letting him down at the last minute to work overtime

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 21/03/2023 13:35

AmandaHoldensLips · 21/03/2023 13:21

Block her number. She shouldn't be involving herself in your child's visitation arrangements.

Yes I think I will. I never contact her and he has asked me not to so I really can’t understand why she is trying to get involved

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 21/03/2023 13:36

Pseudonamed · 21/03/2023 13:18

Block her phone number for a start. She can't abuse you if you have her blocked.

Yes I think I will. I have stopped replying to her and messaged him to ask him can he please ask her to stop messaging/ringing me.

OP posts:
OneFrenchEgg · 21/03/2023 13:40

I don't really understand. Weren't you both saying the same thing? How did it then go wrong?

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 21/03/2023 13:52

OneFrenchEgg · 21/03/2023 13:40

I don't really understand. Weren't you both saying the same thing? How did it then go wrong?

Sorry how do you mean?

OP posts:
OneFrenchEgg · 21/03/2023 13:54

I then get her texting me today and saying he is working Saturday night so wouldn’t be able to see our Son really and that if he goes over his dad wouldn’t be able to spend time with him and basically she would have to look after him.

I’ve basically responded and said that it’s meant to be his weekend to see him and that if he’s not able to spend time with his dad then what’s the point in him going over? I’ve explained to her that his dad barely sees him much as it is and that this would just be waste of time essentially.

^^ this bit? Like you're both saying he wouldn't see his dad?

OneFrenchEgg · 21/03/2023 13:54

Was she like moaning but still wanting him to come whereas you were saying don't bother? It's daft her telling you unless she wants a response.

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 21/03/2023 14:05

OneFrenchEgg · 21/03/2023 13:54

Was she like moaning but still wanting him to come whereas you were saying don't bother? It's daft her telling you unless she wants a response.

Sorry I typed it out so quick and hadn’t re read it all back to make sure it made sense, can see how it comes across a bit confusing.

So basically for this weekend and the next 3 weekends my son is meant to see his dad for one night. He goes over around 5-6pm after school and comes back around 4pm the following day.
She has now texted me saying he’s working so he’s not gonna be able to see his dad this weekend anyway as he won’t be there and basically she will have to look after him.
Which is why I then texted her and said ok bit pointless him coming over if he isn’t gonna see his dad at all then even though he’s meant to not be working this weekend so another time he won’t see him at all.
She is under the assumption that I don’t want her to spend time with my son however as I’ve tried politely explaining to her, I don’t have an issue with that whatsoever but my son also needs to spend time with his dad too as he barely sees him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 21/03/2023 14:07

I’m sure my son would also be dissapointed to go over and find his dad isn’t even there. It does upset him that he doesn’t get to see him much, I am trying my best from my side to ensure they have contact but if his dad is not making the effort from his side what more can I do? :(

OP posts:
Pseudonamed · 21/03/2023 14:15

You cannot force him to spend time with his child unfortunately. Mine rarely see their father who lives 10 mins away but once he left me he seemed to believe he left them too. Was hard at the start but the kids know now he is a loser.

Cut contact with her and just do not send your ds over. When he wants to see his child he will contact you. Do not let her be a go between.

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 21/03/2023 14:25

Pseudonamed · 21/03/2023 14:15

You cannot force him to spend time with his child unfortunately. Mine rarely see their father who lives 10 mins away but once he left me he seemed to believe he left them too. Was hard at the start but the kids know now he is a loser.

Cut contact with her and just do not send your ds over. When he wants to see his child he will contact you. Do not let her be a go between.

I know what you mean. Honestly it doesn’t bother me whether he sees him or not, it’s his loss at the end of the day but I hate seeing how it affects my son when he does actually want to see his dad.

He used to see him every weekend without fail and would always contact me to sort arrangements when he was younger but since he’s been with this woman it’s becoming less and less regular unfortunately.

Think I will take your advice though and just wait until he contacts me to initiate contact. He’s a bloody nightmare tbh won’t even agree to let me apply for a passport for our son even though I’ve told him he will probably need it for school trips at some point now he is in comprehensive school.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 21/03/2023 14:27

Oh and he only lives 15 min drive away so it’s not like it’s a huge distance thing either. He was meant to see him for a bit on his birthday, he had made arrangements for that but then I hadn’t heard anything off him. He said he slept late and forgot to put his alarm on 😏

OP posts:
Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 21/03/2023 14:31

Just tell her since one parent isn't seeing ds then the other one will be.. It is that simple.

Pseudonamed · 21/03/2023 14:32

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 21/03/2023 14:31

Just tell her since one parent isn't seeing ds then the other one will be.. It is that simple.

I disagree. I say block her and never have contact with her again. Shes the gf, nothing to do with the child. The father should be doing all the running.

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 21/03/2023 14:39

Pseudonamed · 21/03/2023 14:32

I disagree. I say block her and never have contact with her again. Shes the gf, nothing to do with the child. The father should be doing all the running.

Show quote history

Yes he should. She only ever texts me when she’s looking for an arguement and I won’t rise to it. She’s very controlling over my ex partner. The type that wants to know what he’s doing constantly, where he is, who he is talking to etc.

I remember once when my son was quite unwell in hospital he came down to see how he was, I was trying to talk to him to update him on what the doctors had said etc and she was literally texting him every minute and ringing him. You’d think she would have at least left him alone to see his son when he was poorly

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 21/03/2023 14:41

Pseudonamed · 21/03/2023 14:32

I disagree. I say block her and never have contact with her again. Shes the gf, nothing to do with the child. The father should be doing all the running.

Show quote history

She always seems quite jealous of the relationship my husband has with my son but as I’ve tried explaining to her several times he lives with us so he will see him more etc

OP posts:
Pseudonamed · 21/03/2023 15:26

She sounds like a therapists dream!

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 21/03/2023 15:42

Pseudonamed · 21/03/2023 15:26

She sounds like a therapists dream!

Tell me about it. Obviously major issues going on there!

OP posts:
Pseudonamed · 21/03/2023 16:09

Im lucky in the case that my exes wife is lovely. What she sees in him I will never know but I guess it takes all sorts.

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 21/03/2023 16:21

Pseudonamed · 21/03/2023 16:09

Im lucky in the case that my exes wife is lovely. What she sees in him I will never know but I guess it takes all sorts.

That’s good at least - makes being amicable must easier I guess. I have tried to be amicable with this one in the past but it has never worked 😬

OP posts:
OneFrenchEgg · 21/03/2023 17:11

What does your son want to do? Like does he want to go and hang out there and see his dad for a little while / does he like the gf? Etc etc

Livedandlearned · 21/03/2023 17:40

Apply for a passport for your son! It has nothing to do with your ex.