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Original poster

Help, how do I deal with this nightmare situation?

44 replies

Ilovepugs2017 · 21/03/2023 12:49

Not sure where to start really…
Will try to keep this as concise as possible.

So I separated from my eldest sons dad when he was 18 months old. He’s now 12. At the moment his dad barely sees him. He says he works 4 weekends off and 4 weekends on so basically he has him four weekends in a row on a Friday evening until Saturday afternoon (his choice).
Ive said he’s more than welcome to see him after school some days if he’s not working etc but he never does.

Anyway, when I try and communicate with him about our Son he barely even replies and when he does it’s often days later. The issue I’ve got is with his current girlfriend who he’s been with for 5 years.

She often texts me giving me crap randomly and tries to get involved with sorting out the arrangements I have with my sons dad.
The latest thing is that my son is meant to go over this weekend as it’s meant to be his dads turn to see him - the start of his four weekends off from work. So I texted him yesterday just to double check that’s still going ahead. No response from him.

I then get her texting me today and saying he is working Saturday night so wouldn’t be able to see our Son really and that if he goes over his dad wouldn’t be able to spend time with him and basically she would have to look after him.

I’ve basically responded and said that it’s meant to be his weekend to see him and that if he’s not able to spend time with his dad then what’s the point in him going over? I’ve explained to her that his dad barely sees him much as it is and that this would just be waste of time essentially.

Her response was to basically text me a load of abuse and try ringing me repeatedly. She seems to be under the assumption that I don’t want her to look after my son, but as I’ve said to her several times the issue is that he needs to spend time with his dad aswell.

I haven’t responded to her since as it’s stressing me and I’m already unwell with covid. This is not a one time occurrence by the way, it’s like every now and again she tries to start an arguement. Several times it’s been paranoia type texts asking me if I want to get back with my sons dad when she clearly knows I’m happily married and wouldn’t take him back if someone offered me a million pound to do so.

Ive told her I just need to communicate with his dad about arrangements and that she doesn’t need to get involved, same as my husband wouldn’t be texting him to sort out arrangements.

she’s got access to his phone so obviously reads his texts and often when I do speak to him she’s there by his side chiming in.

Feel like I’m at my wits end with it. Just trying to help my son have a decent relationship with his dad but she’s always causing issues.

any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 21/03/2023 17:50

Livedandlearned · 21/03/2023 17:40

Apply for a passport for your son! It has nothing to do with your ex.

Apparently I need his permission because he’s on the birth certificate

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 21/03/2023 17:51

OneFrenchEgg · 21/03/2023 17:11

What does your son want to do? Like does he want to go and hang out there and see his dad for a little while / does he like the gf? Etc etc

He would be happy to see his dad - providing he makes the effort however he’s unlikely to be happy with going there to see his dad and spending time with his dads gf only

OP posts:
newfence · 21/03/2023 18:01

Ilovepugs2017 · 21/03/2023 17:50

Apparently I need his permission because he’s on the birth certificate

Show quote history

I am not sure if that is true, I think perhaps that you just need to know their details:

Someone with parental responsibility for the child must apply for the passport.
You need to give both parents’ details when you apply. If you cannot provide the other parent’s details, you need to say why (for example, you’re the only parent named on the birth certificate or you adopted the child on your own).

Take a look on the Govt website about applying for a child's passport.

Interested in this thread?

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12 year olds Families General parenting
OneFrenchEgg · 21/03/2023 18:15

So stressful - I would just tell your son with no emotion what the offer is and then go with his response.
I don't understand what the gf contacted you if she was still ok with him going.

OneFrenchEgg · 21/03/2023 18:21

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/authorisation-and-consent-caseworker-guidance/authorisation-and-consent#Whenweeneed
This guidance is for passport office staff and usually one person with PR can apply but have a look at when you need additional consent.

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 21/03/2023 18:29

OneFrenchEgg · 21/03/2023 18:15

So stressful - I would just tell your son with no emotion what the offer is and then go with his response.
I don't understand what the gf contacted you if she was still ok with him going.

Thing is I don’t understand why she contacted me either. We haven’t had contact since she threatened to ‘beat me up’ when she was last going off on one. Then randomly out of the blue contacts me today to basically say his dad won’t be there even though the arrangement was for him to see him this weekend.
After the abuse I had off her the last time I told her not to contact me and my ex agreed that she shouldn’t contact me and vice versa, not that I’d ever want to contact her

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 21/03/2023 18:32

newfence · 21/03/2023 18:01

I am not sure if that is true, I think perhaps that you just need to know their details:

Someone with parental responsibility for the child must apply for the passport.
You need to give both parents’ details when you apply. If you cannot provide the other parent’s details, you need to say why (for example, you’re the only parent named on the birth certificate or you adopted the child on your own).

Take a look on the Govt website about applying for a child's passport.

Show quote history

Ok maybe I’m getting mixed up with the guidance about taking the child abroad which he’s said he won’t give permission for 🙄

Makes going on a trip abroad with my husband and children very difficult in the near future

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 21/03/2023 18:34

OneFrenchEgg · 21/03/2023 18:21

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/authorisation-and-consent-caseworker-guidance/authorisation-and-consent#Whenweeneed
This guidance is for passport office staff and usually one person with PR can apply but have a look at when you need additional consent.

Ok thank you. I remember reading up about it before but I think maybe I’ve got mixed up with the guidance about actually taking them abroad which you need permission off the other parent for 🙄

OP posts:
OneFrenchEgg · 21/03/2023 18:36

You can get orders to allow holiday, can you go to a solicitor to look at this? And maybe contact more formalised?

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 21/03/2023 18:37

it says this on Google too

Help, how do I deal with this nightmare situation?
OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 21/03/2023 18:38

OneFrenchEgg · 21/03/2023 18:36

You can get orders to allow holiday, can you go to a solicitor to look at this? And maybe contact more formalised?

Yes potentially as it’s always kinda stopped us as a family being able to go abroad.
Solicitors won’t be cheap though so I will look at this as soon as money allows. Stupid that it has to come to this though. He is only spiting his son being able to see the world 🌎

OP posts:
OneFrenchEgg · 21/03/2023 18:53

Ilovepugs2017 · 21/03/2023 18:37

it says this on Google too

The link is .au for Australia

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 21/03/2023 19:17

OneFrenchEgg · 21/03/2023 18:53

The link is .au for Australia

Show quote history

Oops, didn’t notice that thanks for pointing that out

OP posts:
RedFolder · 21/03/2023 19:37

Ilovepugs2017 · 21/03/2023 18:34

Ok thank you. I remember reading up about it before but I think maybe I’ve got mixed up with the guidance about actually taking them abroad which you need permission off the other parent for 🙄

Show quote history

Whilst technically you should seek permission from your ex before taking your child out of the country, I travel loads with my daughter and I have never been asked to provide proof of permission. I highly doubt that every parent in the country takes a signed note from their husband or wife or ex every time they travel alone with their children. Even if they did, nobody is checking. Imagine the queues at border control if every solo parent traveller’s permission slip was checked and verified! It doesn’t happen.

my child and I have different surnames and I’ve never even been asked to prove that we’re related, let alone that I’m her mother.

The only way it will be an issue for you is if you tell him you plan to go on holiday and he tries to stop you. Just don’t tell him and if he kicks up a fuss when you get back, so what? You’ve already been.

As for the girlfriend, just block her. She’s obviously looking for attention so don’t give her any.

RedFolder · 21/03/2023 19:41

And I didn’t need permission from her father to apply for her passport either. It’s easier if both parents’ passport numbers are included on the child application, but that’s obviously not always possible. E.G. what if your ex had fucked off and you didn’t know where he was? You would still be able to get a passport for your son.

MrMarkham · 21/03/2023 20:01

So your son doesn't want to go if he can't see his dad? I think just say that to the dad ( block the gf) and say if you're not around this weekend then he doesn't want to come, let's try again next weekend. Doesn't sound like they want him to come anyway. It's all pathetic mind games.

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 21/03/2023 22:40

RedFolder · 21/03/2023 19:37

Whilst technically you should seek permission from your ex before taking your child out of the country, I travel loads with my daughter and I have never been asked to provide proof of permission. I highly doubt that every parent in the country takes a signed note from their husband or wife or ex every time they travel alone with their children. Even if they did, nobody is checking. Imagine the queues at border control if every solo parent traveller’s permission slip was checked and verified! It doesn’t happen.

my child and I have different surnames and I’ve never even been asked to prove that we’re related, let alone that I’m her mother.

The only way it will be an issue for you is if you tell him you plan to go on holiday and he tries to stop you. Just don’t tell him and if he kicks up a fuss when you get back, so what? You’ve already been.

As for the girlfriend, just block her. She’s obviously looking for attention so don’t give her any.

Show quote history

Ok that’s good to know. I’ve never actually been abroad myself before so not sure what happens at the airport etc! (I know I’ve lived a sheltered life right 😂).

Will definitely apply for his passport soon anyway as I know at some point they do an educational trip out of the UK during comprehensive school years, so he will need it for that.

Yes blocking her is definitely the best option and I’ve decided that I’m not gonna message him anymore to see when he’s seeing our son next, I’ll leave it up to him & I guess we will see how much effort he actually makes

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 21/03/2023 22:42

RedFolder · 21/03/2023 19:41

And I didn’t need permission from her father to apply for her passport either. It’s easier if both parents’ passport numbers are included on the child application, but that’s obviously not always possible. E.G. what if your ex had fucked off and you didn’t know where he was? You would still be able to get a passport for your son.

Yes that’s true, I highly doubt he’s even got a passport himself anyway. He isn’t really one for travelling.

I’ll apply soon and just put my passport details on and his name & whatever else they ask for.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 21/03/2023 22:47

MrMarkham · 21/03/2023 20:01

So your son doesn't want to go if he can't see his dad? I think just say that to the dad ( block the gf) and say if you're not around this weekend then he doesn't want to come, let's try again next weekend. Doesn't sound like they want him to come anyway. It's all pathetic mind games.

No he doesn’t. I spoke to my son earlier and explained that unfortunately his dad will be working again this weekend and he said well there’s no point me going over if I can’t see my dad.
It sucks tbh as my Son does actually want to spend time with him but imo my ex isn’t making enough effort to ensure they have a good relationship. He’s not working 7 days a week and makes time for his step children so should do the same for his own son.

Ive decided I’m not gonna waste my time chasing him about contact anymore I’ll wait and see when he contacts me about seeing our Son, see if he actually makes the effort off his own back

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