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Original poster

Guilt over scaring my child’s face (accidental)

33 replies

jamie94 · 18/03/2023 23:32

When my son was one we were on the sofa together. He was a bit wobbly so I went to catch him and he landed on my hand, my nail caught the side of his face and scratched him badly. When he went to nursery he had a little fall and re scratched the scab. About a year later he got sick and developed a circular scab underneath the scar scratch.

He is now 6 and I can still see both scars on his face, especially when his cheeks are red it is so obvious. I have spent a fortune on brands like Kelo Cote, suncream, etc. For the last 2 years the scars have not faded at all.

I can’t shift the guilt, every single day I feel bad for what’s happened. When I look at him inside my head I just feel insanely guilty. I find myself researching future treatments for hours some days. He isn’t aware of it but I know one day he will be and that I am the one to blame because the scratch scar is the biggest and most noticeable one. It feels like I have disfigured him across his cheek.

Does anyone have any advice for the scar and are aware of how I can fix it when he is old enough for eg laser? And has anyone else experienced anything similar? How do you deal with the guilt? I keep replaying what happened in my head and I try so hard to not let it get to me because I don’t want to ruin these special years feeling so guilty.

Guilt over scaring my child’s face (accidental)
Guilt over scaring my child’s face (accidental)
OP posts:
SkaneTos · 18/03/2023 23:35

Must of us have some scars. I have a scar on my forehead from my brother hitting me with a baseball bat (accident, I stood in a bad spot). I almost never think about it.

beccahamlet · 18/03/2023 23:38

It's really hardly anything at all. In any case it's not your fault. It was an accident.
I mean this really gently, but are you always such a worrier? It seems a bit out of proportion. Children are always getting scratches and scrapes. I'm sure you're a lovely mother.

Dotcheck · 18/03/2023 23:41

Gosh, just stop!
Almost everyone I know has a scar from a childhood mishap. You were catching him when he was about to fall; if he fell he may have been more seriously hurt.

His scar will just be part of the tapestry of his face. He’ll get freckles, squeeze spots which scar, he’ll fall over ( more), he may get a tennis racquet to the nose, or fall off his bike. You can’t stop these things, it is all part of life, so just forgive yourself and move on. You can’t protect him from every hurt

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TheAustralian · 18/03/2023 23:49

((Squishy hugs)) As he gets older it will fade and blend more with his skin tones. He still has unblemished baby skin. Once he’s a preschooler it’ll be barely noticeable

My sibling and I have matching facial scars that needed surgery, By the time we’re were preschoolers our scars were barely visible.
they don’t bother us, we have never given them a second though.

We’ve always been told how it happened, no-ones ever asked about the scars. As I age mines noticeable from across the room now, damn wrinkles and aging 😊
I honestly don’t care. I always say I can’t change my past and wallowing in pity won’t make it go away. . He'll get many more in the years too come. Accidents happen

BreviloquentBastard · 18/03/2023 23:49

Please try to let this go, you stressing and fretting about it is going to give him a complex. Everyone has scars from childhood, I've got loads, I was an adventurous child.

That'll fade to almost nothing as he grows. I've got a stonker of a scar on my arm that was technically my mother's fault. I just think it's a funny story now, I don't recall the "incident" at all and I don't resent my mum or feel like she disfigured me. You carry on calling him disfigured though and you're going to do way more harm than that poxy little scar ever would.

asplashofmilk · 18/03/2023 23:50

You are going to give your child a massive complex about these marks if you carry on like this, and that will be far more damaging to him than the scars themselves. Please stop chasing a cure, there isn't one and your obsessing is unhealthy.

They are barely visible, but frankly even if they were, your approach is all wrong. You need to be boosting him up not unwittingly drawing attention to the tiniest of flaws, even if you think you are trying to help him.

Original poster
jamie94 · 18/03/2023 23:55

Thanks for the advice and reassurance. I do suffer anxiety so I think my reaction is probably linked to that. FYI though my son has no idea he actually has a scar. I haven’t told him and my worrying etc I’ve kept entirely to myself. When I put the cream on him I just pretend it’s morning and night cream for his face. So he has absolutely no idea and hasn’t ever mentioned it to me. I guess in a way this worsened my anxiety because it’s the feeling of unknown and not knowing how he will react when one day he asks about it. I just don’t want him to feel conscious of it.

OP posts:
Onnabugeisha · 18/03/2023 23:59

Mederma scar gel is really good.
But yes, it will fade with time and probably disappear. So stop punishing yourself.

CC4712 · 19/03/2023 00:01

Silicone gel might help. You can buy it from larger pharmacies or online and it only needs to be applied very sparingly.

resipsa · 19/03/2023 00:11

My DD is now 12. At age 4, she was hit with a stick on the face. The scarring was bad and obvious, especially if she was red in the face. I stressed about it for years but it is now invisible. This is one situation when time really does heal wounds.

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 19/03/2023 00:55

Your post is heartbreaking...stop beating yourself over this and let go of the guilt. The scar won't impact him in any significant way.

I have a facial scar that I've had since childhood. I was always told as a child that it was a birthmark & that is was uniquely cool. It's noticeable but not overly so.

I discovered as a years later that it was an accident that my mum blamed herself for so when I asked about it one day, my dad explained it as a birthmark in a clumsy attempt to help my mum's guilt.

I think I was 16 when I found out. I couldn't believe my mum felt guilty about it for years over a simple accident and scar that I never really paid much attention to or never caused me any difficulties. Please don't beat yourself up over something that will probably never bother your child. I actually like mine, it's part of me. I certainly don't feel ugly or disfigured. Please let your guilt go. Your child is fine and will only be as conscious of this as you make him.

WinterMusings · 19/03/2023 07:14

(((HUG)))

Happy Mothers Day 🌷

It will grow out. Please stop beating yourself up!

My friend always used to go on & on & on at her DH about him needing to be more careful with their baby/toddler & not letting her crawl so fast, play with certain toys & once she was walking it was constant!! He was a SAHD & brilliant with all 3 kids & still is now they're teenagers!!

Her DD fell into the corner of the stair post & split the skin under her eyebrow & had to go & get it seen to. Nasty scar, deep.

on her watch!!

Her DD is 20 now, you can barely see it!

enjoy your DS, they're only young for such a short time. It'll fade & until
it dies, once he's aware of it he'll think it's cool!

PuttingDownRoots · 19/03/2023 07:21

On DDs face she has...

  • the remnants of her haemangioma (strawberry birth mark)
  • the scar where she landed on a sharp stone
  • the scar where she hit her face on the side if the swimming pool (particularly obvious due to its position)
  • the scar where she fell when dancing

Shes nearly 12. She doesn't care about any of them. Only one is really visible... and shes philosophical about it... the accident happened. Nothing we do can change that.

smellyflowers · 19/03/2023 07:24

I get it OP but the less you worry about it the less impact it will have on your child's life xx

Suzi888 · 19/03/2023 07:29

It’ll likely fade when he’s older. Keep massaging with a scar gel and using sun block. It’s likely he will pick up a few more scars through his childhood OP.
Honestly- you can see it because you’re looking for it, it’s tiny. It was an accident. 💐DD scratched her face herself in a tantrum, the marks were terrible and lasted a good while. Totally gone now.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 19/03/2023 07:29

Can you reframe it as a lucky escape? You caught him, you were obviously worried he might have hurt himself. One of mine rolled off the sofa aged 2 and broke a collar bone. Yes there was an unintended consequence but it was an accident because you care.

RWB9 · 19/03/2023 07:39

I have a huge scar from my son right across the bottom of my stomach, he doesn’t feel guilty at all!! 😅

All jokes aside, my section scar was huge and I haven’t put a thing on it and within 3.5 years it’s practically disappeared. This will disappear too as he grows. If it makes you feel better, my son has a dint in his forehead that is obvious when he laughs because he’s fallen over so many times on the same spot (often on my watch) it can’t be helped and as a toddler he’s likely to have way more bumps and scrapes x

Whiteroomjoy · 19/03/2023 07:42

We do get precious about our babies and children bodies and keeping them in perfect condition
But when they get to 21 they fuck it all up with trip to tattoo parlour 🤷🏼‍♀️🤣🤣🤣🤣

Ewanismydreamsheep · 19/03/2023 07:49

When I was 10 a bed frame fell and caught my leg. I had a deep cut on my calf that left a big purple scar as the stitches pulled when I moved. It’s probably 1 cm thick and 2 cm long. It’s now so faded that you can barely tell it’s there. Time will almost certainly fade your sons. Mine has and I never put anything special on it.

halfsiesonapotnoodle · 19/03/2023 07:57

Yabu to worry. It is absolutely nothing and totally normal to have some scarring on adult skin. (It's spelt scarring, by the way. Scaring is giving someone a scare.) Just decide today to stop all this turmoil and don't give it another thought.

Plingston · 19/03/2023 07:58

Bless you, that would go unnoticed by absolutely anybody else. You really need to stop beating yourself up about this. If you hadn't caught your child, what injury might he have sustained? I scalded my child's face as a toddler, right underneath his eye, and the scar used to show up every time he got hot or went into the sun. He's now 15 and you can't see it at all. And he's more concerned about his teenage spots!

BeanyBops · 19/03/2023 08:30

When I was small I pulled a cup of tea off the counter and over my head. My mum shoved me under the cold tap to save my face but missed my shoulder. I have a hand sized raised keloid scar. It's huge. After a drink or two my mum will still cry about it and I'm 36! I have never blamed her. I've grown up with it. I've never resented her. Life happens. Your son will be fine, lovely.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 19/03/2023 08:39

Firstly, it is barely visible. At all. Secondly, as he grows it will become even less so. Thirdly, if he’d landed on his face on the floor the damage could have been a lot worse. Fourthly, none of it is your fault, so stop feeling guilty.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 19/03/2023 08:40

halfsiesonapotnoodle · 19/03/2023 07:57

Yabu to worry. It is absolutely nothing and totally normal to have some scarring on adult skin. (It's spelt scarring, by the way. Scaring is giving someone a scare.) Just decide today to stop all this turmoil and don't give it another thought.

I’m a natural pedant but come on, read the room.

WashAsDelicates · 19/03/2023 08:54

You don't need to fix your kid. You need to fix yourself. Your attitude to his scar is far more damaging than the scar itself. If you do not accept it, and constantly focus on this perceived flaw, he will pick up on your belief and internalise it.

I speak as a woman with a facial birthmark.

I also have a child with a facial scar. As a toddler, he fell on a toy and gashed his eyebrow. I didn't think it needed hospital treatment and dealt with it at home. He was left with a bald scar running through his eyebrow. Yes, I felt awful. But it's happened now. There's no point making an issue of it. Move on.

As ds grew, the scar started the same size. Either that, or its size had been magnified by my sense of shame. Either way, he was 13 or 14 before he even realised he has a scar, and that was only because the subject of toddlerhood injuries came up in a conversation.

I may sound harsh, but this is kindly-meant advice. Move on.