Son and 2 mates just came in looking off their head

[loop2u]

Just heard ds18 come home from a night out, gone in to his room to ask why's he back at this time and he's with 2 mates.
They all looked at me with wide eyes like they've def been on something.

He just said mum sorry can you go out I'm charging my phone! I walked straight out because I didn't know what to do or say.

What would you do leave them or kick them out? I don't want to start a big argument but I also don't want him thinking it's ok to come back at this time obviously off his head with 2 of his mates!

[Zer]

@anxiouslemons

Sometimes I think I live in a parallel universe.

My DS (19) wouldn't DREAM of bringing back a one night stand while he is living here. That so many posters think it's okay to do is gobsmacking. And while on drugs?!

OP I know this isn't AIBU but YANBU.

Nor would mine. Two have now left home and are happy well adjusted young adults who have healthy relationships.

[Climbles]

@Ducksurprise

But that is just not true anymore, in most areas of the country it is impossible for teens/young adults to rent, even a house share near me is £800 a month.

That's not to say that this can continue but it is a very tough few years of parenting.

Op I'd also suggest paying rent, but this does then change the whole dynamic.

I’m not sure where you live but round here it is significantly cheaper than that and I live in a very desirable area.

[anxiouslemons]

Bizarre isn't it @Zer
I wonder if some of the posters are parents to babies and 3 year olds and see 18 as some far off fully matured adult. Obviously some are but in 2023, with a big chunk of their adolescence written off by Covid etc really means these 18yr olds are often not comparable to the 18yr olds years ago.

[MadeForThis]

It's ok to have boundaries in your own house.

[Passerillage]

I would be absolutely incandescent if my son spoke to me like that. Honestly, that is a moving out by the end of the month offence. It is your house, and he is an adult who is fully capable of showing basic respect - except apparently he is not.

”oh bless him it’s a rite of passage”?????? WTAF??? He is one bloody step away from domestic abuse here, and if he wants to behave like that he can do it under someone else’s roof.

[Motnight]

@MadeForThis

It's ok to have boundaries in your own house.

This!

[Zer]

@anxiouslemons

Bizarre isn't it @Zer
I wonder if some of the posters are parents to babies and 3 year olds and see 18 as some far off fully matured adult. Obviously some are but in 2023, with a big chunk of their adolescence written off by Covid etc really means these 18yr olds are often not comparable to the 18yr olds years ago.

Yeah I agree, I think there are a lot of gobshites on here with 4 year olds.

[Climbles]

@loop2u

Well we've ended up having an argument and now I feel awful.

He came out of his room for a drink, I told him I wasn't happy about all this and that he's obviously off his head that's why he thought I wouldn't mind him fetching someone back.
I told him I want her to leave, I'm sure her parents wouldn't be happy either.
He told me to shut the fuck up! So I kicked off told him and her to go, if they want a place to sleep all day and have sex then book into an hotel!
He said he doesn't see the problem in bringing girls back, he's 18! I don't mind girlfriends but not one night stands I told him.

So anyway she's left, gone for the bus home and now I feel really bad.

Yes I know I shouldn't have but it's happened now.

To me telling you you STFU is much worse than his other questionable choices. If he’s going to take the piss the very least he can do is try and keep you sweet.

[Climbles]

@Zer

Yeah I agree, I think there are a lot of gobshites on here with 4 year olds.

Mine is 13

[Marchmount]

@Passerillage

I would be absolutely incandescent if my son spoke to me like that. Honestly, that is a moving out by the end of the month offence. It is your house, and he is an adult who is fully capable of showing basic respect - except apparently he is not.

”oh bless him it’s a rite of passage”?????? WTAF??? He is one bloody step away from domestic abuse here, and if he wants to behave like that he can do it under someone else’s roof.

You’d genuinely throw an 18yo old out for telling you to fuck off?

Google - show me an examples of the kind of crazy shit that parent who has never parented a late teenager says.

[maranella]

If he's got money for drugs, he's got money to pay you rent and if he's so grown up that he can spend all night out doing drugs and then wants to bring one night stand home for a shag, it's time he got his own place.

Right now, he's disrespecting you and your home with his behaviour and driving lessons or no I'd be telling him to shape up or ship out. The drug taking alone would be a red line, telling me to STFU when I was telling him how things were going to be in MY home, that I pay for when he pays absolutely NOTHING to live there, would be another.

[Hebehouse]

No i stand by all that i said. Some teenagers do behave like this, and while it's not to be applauded, I don't think throwing him out is the way to go. Having children is a responsibility and dealing with this sort of thing is part of that.
Saying 'my kids would never do this' isn't helpful and nor is getting so angry that you totally alienate them doesn't work either.

It's something that's happened, so I was offering suggestions on how to handle it.OP was feeling awful - and feeling awful sometimes is also a rite of passage.

[Hebehouse]

Also I didn't say bless him I said bless you! Totally different

[InSpainTheRain]

He's home and safe - be thankful! I wouldn't mind about the mates, but deal with whatever he's taken when he is sober.

[lifeturnsonadime]

Your house your rules OP.

Don't feel bad about this argument. You are allowed to say no to things and to have boundaries.

If he doesn't like it he can move out and support himself.

[Passerillage]

@Hebehouse

Also I didn't say bless him I said bless you! Totally different

Apologies - I misread you.

[Passerillage]

@Marchmount

You’d genuinely throw an 18yo old out for telling you to fuck off?

Google - show me an examples of the kind of crazy shit that parent who has never parented a late teenager says.

Not at all! But I would be thinking seriously about whether he should be allowed to live with me when he comes home with strangers, visibly high as a kite (and yes - I experimented with drugs in my late teens/early 20's - I just didn't impose it on my parents), wakes everyone up, tells his mother to "shut the fuck up" when she remonstrates, and defends (with profanity) his right to have sex with complete strangers in HER home, while still happily depending on her for financial support.

If she was a "cool" Mum and he knew he was allowed to take drugs, have casual sex with strangers at home etc. then fair enough, but she's saying she doesn't like it and he responds with agression. When you consider that he is presumably considerably bigger than her, you're bringing intimidating behaviour into it. So yeah, he needs to be thinking about moving out if he can't bring himself to apologise and massively upgrade his behaviour at home.

[Hebehouse]

@Passerillage

Apologies - I misread you.

Thank you @Passerillage I appreciate that 💐

[Whoiscomingtosaveyou]

A young person’s brain isn’t properly mature until about 25 so it is actually ok to give guidance to an 18 year old. For all those saying he’s an adult and to leave him to it- yes legally he may be, but emotionally and developmentally he is not and any self respecting parent would be concerned.
According to mumsnet though we are supposed to abandon our 18 year olds to life and let them sink or swim.

[Minimummonday]

I brought random people back all the time 16-18 before I went to uni. As long as they’re not disrespectful who cares?

[jojojoooo]

I do sympathise OP, DSS is a few years older than your son and has gone through a phase of bringing random girls back home in the early hours which I absolutely hated - especially when we had a young baby & I was never sure who I would bump into when I was getting up to feed him in the night.

I'd never have done that whilst I was still living at home, even if I was having friends back to stay I'd always clear it with my parents first so it was a complete shock to me that he thought that just bringing a random back was perfectly fine to do.

You need to set some boundaries, it's your home & you need to be comfortable.

[loop2u]

@Minimummonday

I brought random people back all the time 16-18 before I went to uni. As long as they’re not disrespectful who cares?

Lovely. Bet your parents were proud!

[PinkSyCo]

I wouldn’t want coked up strangers, be they male or female, in my home either OP. Tell your DS that won’t be happening again and if he can afford the drugs he can afford to contribute to his keep!

[Lcb123]

He’s home and safe. Discuss when he’s sober and in the right mood. I can’t judge myself as used to do this a lot at that age….
inevitable really!

[Dyslexicwonder]

@loop2u

So you wouldn't mind your son bringing a random girl back from a night out at 6.30 am and lay in bed with her all day!

To be completely honest I would rather he didn't choose to spend his time and money that way, but ultimately it is his time and his money. I would be very firm about drugs in the house (as in consuming drugs in our house) as I cannot sanction criminal activity. Also basic consideration to other members of the house hold is important. But if he choose to stay out all night and sleep all day on the weekend after working all week that is his choice.