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Original poster

Relationship with adult children as a "boy mum"

36 replies

nanodyne · 17/03/2023 00:07

I've recently been coming to terms with the fact that I'll never have a daughter (cannot bear the thought of another pregnancy) and wondering about my future relationship with my two sons. I don't really care that I don't have a daughter per se but I do worry that I won't have a relationship with my adult children in future.Generally men do seem to drift apart from their mothers.

I saw a reel on Instagram that suggested that boys don't have good relationships with their mothers because they only see romantic relationships with women modelled in society, rather than good platonic friendships. This sort've makes sense to me, because the men I know with independent and fulfilled mums seem to be the most well rounded.

All in, I have great male friends so I'm feeling cautiously optimistic, but I'd love to hear how mothers to adult men maintain a close and open relationship with their sons. Have you found this to be/not be the case?

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QueSyrahSyrah · 17/03/2023 00:10

I'm not a mother to an adult Man but I'm wife to an adult Man who is far closer to his Mum than I am to mine. They speak on FaceTime 2-3 times a week despite being in different counties, whereas I can't remember the last time I actually spoke to my Mum (we text weekly).

Crumpledstilstkin · 17/03/2023 00:41

I also have all boys and am not worried. My husband was way closer to his family than I was to mine when he met. Sure his sister talks to them more but I'm quite comfortable having a nice relationship with my kids that doesn't involve chatting every day. We mostly follow our own family patterns.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/03/2023 00:46

I think you're wrong. DH was much closer to his mum than I am. She was golden. My exH too much so!

You know what they both shared, my MILs? They were there for their sons. A listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, a snack machine.

DH shared that he used to go out and get drunk and get in fights and act like a twat. He'd get home at 2am and his mum would be there. She's sit with him and talk about it all. No judgement and just a course correction. Give him a pint of water and a snack. But she wasn't a service bot. He did his own chores.

I think men whose mothers are invisible housework machines don't appreciate them. Boys whose mothers except chores and hard work but support them emotionally fare better. Because the sons see them as fully human and necessary.

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ImustLearn2Cook · 17/03/2023 00:48

In real life I’ve often seen men having close relationships with their mums. You have nothing to worry about.

Interestingly on tv shows it is often depicting women having close relationships with their mums and not so much men with their mums. But I don’t think this reflects real life at all.

Just don’t keep doing their laundry for them when they are grown up men! Ok!

Barleysugar86 · 17/03/2023 00:49

My husband is really close to his mum. We live too far to visit more than a few times a year but they talk on the phone at least twice a week. I love my mum to bits but I go weeks between calls to her.

I don't think you have anything to worry about if you are close through their childhood, they'll not forget you.

LivingTheDreamNow · 17/03/2023 00:50

I’ve got 3 boys in their 30’s and I’m close to two who message me most days.
The other one messages me but it’s usually when he wants something.
I see one quite a lot because we share a pet.
One lives abroad and FaceTimes me most weeks.
I think I have pretty good relationships with all of them.
Obviously when they get married things change, I get on ok with their wives.
I always wanted a daughter but it wasn’t meant to be.

DramaAlpaca · 17/03/2023 00:51

I'm the mother of three adult men in their 20s and all I can say is that I'm very close to them and they are very close to me and their dad. I don't know how we've done it, but I'm glad we have. Maybe it'll change when they settle down with partners but I think we have established a great bond with them as young adults so we'll always be close. Hope so, anyway.

snitzelvoncrumb · 17/03/2023 00:55

My 5year old ds assures me he won’t even move out and will love me forever. My DH has always had a good relationship with his mum. He clashed a bit with his dad and moved away to get some distance. Since having kids we moved back and see them a lot. They are very involved with the gc.

LadyJ2023 · 17/03/2023 01:14

Ehhhh where you get all your info...it can go both ways tbh boys or girls being close...I come from a huge family all thru teens pretty much all us girls were logger heads with mum and best buddies with dad and the joys the other way..now in 20s and 30s and mum is our best friend our go to but so she is for my brothers who adore her and always pop in or call etc even tho now married and we all have families. Wait for the grandchildren to come along you will adore them...my parents love having them for days we already have 4 and they adore grandma

JudgeRudy · 17/03/2023 01:32

I think the bias is shifting. At one time women tended to be 'fulltime' homemakers and had primary responsibility for children, definitely young ones. People tended to stay local so whilst Grandad and Dad were at work Daughter and mum might spend time more time together. Subsequently Nana would be closer to her daughters children than her sins and SIL may feel she's not treated fairly. I don't think it works like that now. All things being equal I'd say proximity and time tabling are the biggest factors.
I've just been away for a few days with my adult son and daughter, no grandchildren. I see my daughter more regularly because she's nearer but I've never been away or out anywhere significant without wider family, so think dinner, cinema, simple takeaway at hers but I've been away with my son twice for a week just the 2 of us. I see him less. He's got a serious girlfriend now (daughter has husband + 2) so that will probably be last time.
He's looked after me when I was ill inc wetting myself. I've looked after him when he's had a melt down. It's a good relationship and I love them both dearly.....and the same.

WandaWonder · 17/03/2023 01:36

I haven't noticed anything that stands out either way I do notice men and parents is more straight forward where women seem to have a need to add drama to lots of discussions around parents

There are both men and women I know who are closer so some parents and not as close to others

Also siblings same parents brought up the same way can feel different towards parents regardless of sex

FrozenGhost · 17/03/2023 01:53

I'm not sure if it comes down to how close you are. I think men are generally less bothered about seeing and keeping in touch with family. My DH and I love our parents equally and consider ourselves close to them. However I see mine all the time and he sees his quite rarely.

It's nothing to do with me, I'm not standing in his way, in fact I'd love him to go over there (maybe take the kids over too) and often encourage that. He just doesn't see the need and also can't be bothered. I'm not saying he's wrong in this approach, just a different way of looking at it i guess.

This is what I mainly see with the men I know, despite many posters on these threads claiming the opposite. Its similar to men having kids, fathers love their kids so much but usually don't put the same effort in to family life that mothers typically do.

Beeswood · 17/03/2023 01:53

My DF was devoted to my Gran, he used to visit three times a week, took us on a Sunday. He did everything he could to make her life better.

My DP's have all been like this too. Present DP we used to take his Mum on holiday, out for high teas, visiting relatives, paying for coach holidays for her.

Tiani4 · 17/03/2023 05:23

My adult son has plenty of platonic friends who are girls
He also has girlfriends.
As his mum he's grown up seeing me with plenty of platonic friendships with male friends, couples , old uni mates, and the like

He and I are very close
He confides in me
He cooks for me sometimes and we WhatsApp a lot more than my eldest daughter and I do. She's far too busy with her boyf & friends !

I think it depends on personalities and shared hobbies
Try to find hobbies you all enjoy as they grow up

carriedout · 17/03/2023 05:30

I think this is largely a myth based on historic behaviours. Things are more equal now.

Don't be a nightmare MIL is the only thing you can do!

Londonnight · 17/03/2023 05:42

I am mum of four sons, one lives abroad. I have a good relationship with all of them and in contact weekly and message a few times a week. I skype my son who is abroad every week.

Faultymain5 · 17/03/2023 05:44

My son calls me his best friend. He expects his wife to get along with me. He can’t understand why we wouldn’t. Even though he has seen the relationship between my MIL and me🙄.

i have explained when he is married his wife will be paramount. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me, but it means he has to have her back whilst expecting her to treat me with respect (even if she doesn’t respect me 😀).

my son is 21 still lives at home. This May all change when he has more independence. It may not. My dh is fairly close to his mum weekly family calls and a separate call that she makes. She lives abroad and that’s where I like her😂.

Whenharrymetsmelly · 17/03/2023 05:48

If anything most men seem to have better relationships with their mothers than the women in my experience. Most men absolutely adore their mothers if they've always been close. I feel mums & boys, and dads & girls are the closest

spelunky · 17/03/2023 05:53

My siblings are all male. Out of all of us, I am probably the least close to my mum, except maybe one of my brothers who is semi-estranged (for other reasons).

I don't think gender has much to do with it, it's about personalitites and relationship.

Thisisthewaywe · 17/03/2023 06:05

I’ll be honest here and say that in most or all of the examples I know, while men do love their mums the shift if you like goes to their wife / girlfriend.

It definitely isn’t a given that girls have a good relationship with their mothers but I think pregnancy and birth and babies provide a natural sort of bond between women. I think this actually holds true for most intelligent mammals: elephants certainly have the males leave the herd to find a mate while the females stay!

shakeitoffsis · 17/03/2023 06:12

My brother is very close to my mum and dad however he does still live at home at 28.
My husband on the other hand, his mum lives one street away from us and he would never just pop in and see her, I have to really nag him to even text her. She is a bit repetitive and miserable and I think his excuse is that he's just a lazy bloke, but Iv tried to explain multiple times she's alone and lonely and would appreciate the odd visit and text. Don't get me wrong he does see her but it's always a big deal when he does.

Shouldbesleeping8 · 17/03/2023 06:17

My kids are still young but my husband is really close to his mum. He FaceTimes her everyday so she can see the kids but mostly they chat to each other. She comes and stays a lot with us and the whole 'evil MIL' isn't a thing in our house. I think she's brilliant and love having her stay.

F1nit0 · 17/03/2023 06:40

My husband is still close to his mum and visits her more than I visited mine, up until I had a baby. Now we see them both weekly. I adore his mum too and I think that makes a difference. I encourage him to plan stuff with her.
My brother was distant from my mum in his twenties but in his thirties seems to have done a full turn around and visits her all the time.

borntobequiet · 17/03/2023 06:43

Relationships with adult children are usually driven by personality rather than by sex.

Kissedbyfire1 · 17/03/2023 06:50

I’m mum to two men in their thirties, one is married with children of his own. The relationship with each of them is different because they have different needs. Older son likes to have me around as grandmother and we see more of each other these days because of that I think. I also have grownup discussions with him about politics and work stuff. He’s happily married so doesn’t have relationship issues that need my input.
DS2 is single, dissatisfied at work, itchy feet, always got something going on to chat about. He likes to be around us so comes home a couple of times a week and is on holiday with us at the moment. He’s moving abroad shortly so we will see less of him than of late.
There’s no drama in the relationship with them, but never having had a DD I don’t know whether that’s a function of them being boys or not.

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