Relationship with adult children as a "boy mum"

[nanodyne]

I've recently been coming to terms with the fact that I'll never have a daughter (cannot bear the thought of another pregnancy) and wondering about my future relationship with my two sons. I don't really care that I don't have a daughter per se but I do worry that I won't have a relationship with my adult children in future.Generally men do seem to drift apart from their mothers.

I saw a reel on Instagram that suggested that boys don't have good relationships with their mothers because they only see romantic relationships with women modelled in society, rather than good platonic friendships. This sort've makes sense to me, because the men I know with independent and fulfilled mums seem to be the most well rounded.

All in, I have great male friends so I'm feeling cautiously optimistic, but I'd love to hear how mothers to adult men maintain a close and open relationship with their sons. Have you found this to be/not be the case?

My brothers get on better with my mum than me or my sisters. They phone regularly and visit me even go on holiday together. I see my mum at Christmas and phone on birthdays or other occasions so a few times a year. We’ve never been close despite me being her daughter. Personality matters more than sex in forming relationships, we’ve always been very different and clashed a lot and I was always closer to my Dad. My brothers were and still are complete mummy’s boys.

Twin boys mum and love it .. get to watch formula one ( what's not to like ) now DD at uni meals are a variety of meat and veg .. weekends clothes are easy to launder as all sports clothes ( yes I still do it .. have a boy with special needs who struggles with colour. I didn't have brothers so was worried with how I would feel but it's been a pleasant eye opener !

The adult males I know well are very close to their mums. My DH, for example, such a loving son. He calls his mum several times a week. She lives abroad but he'll visit her several times a year and pays for her to come herw frequently. He's taking her on holiday in the summer for her birthday. What can I say? He just really loves and respects her. I love that about him.
I have 2 brothers who are close to my mum. They visit her frequently and see her more than I do.
To be honest, I know more women who have difficult relationships with their mum.

I have 3 adult sons - although one is 18 & still in college so not really fully fledged yet. We have great relationships. My middle one is living his best life a few hours away from home and always either WhatsApping or ringing for a chat. He has a lovely girlfriend who is always happy to hang out with us when she gets the chance as well. He probably talks to us more when he is away than when he comes home.

I think the key to a good relationship with any adult children is to allow them to be adults, to make their own decisions and mistakes. Don’t pry, don’t get jealous of their partners. Don’t be possessive. But also be that little place of a sensible stability if they need it. My son rang me yesterday to offload about something - so that role can be fulfilled from a distance.

I have found it easy and love seeing them all grown up and becoming their own people. ❤

There’s no guarantee what your relationship with your children will be like - you can’t make assumptions based on their gender. My DH and his brother have a fantastic relationship with both their parents (just two sons), and in fact DH is much closer with his mum than I am with mine. It’s about personalities but also making the effort to have a good relationship

My sons are in in their 30s and I have a great relationship with them.

I think how close children remain to their parents in adulthood is down to personality more than their sex.

I have 3 adult sons (21, 23 and 26) - the 2 older ones regularly call/text and visit. They are both 'at home' today, one because he's working in the area and the other is here for the weekend cos it's Mother's Day this Sunday. The youngest has always her more independent and now lives with his girlfriend and I usually hear from him once a week via text but mostly if he needs a favour!

I have 2 brothers who also stay in regular contact with my parents - one lives abroad and facetimes probably once a week. The other probably visits once every 6 weeks due to work patterns. Both sons came home when needed (due to dad's health) and one plans to be here when my mum has an operation.

My middle son is going on holiday next month with my sister, to visit my brother abroad. So it's not always the case that sons bugger off never to be seen.

The boys in my family are much better at social calls to parents than I am.

I hear you. My DH goes a month or so without calling his mum, but will take her out for special occasions (think birthday, mother's day). However, I'd say its more personality than anything, as she does often moan that she hasn't heard from him (which then puts him off picking up the phone again if it's been a couple of weeks), she doesn't ever call him, but will be annoyed if he doesn't phone her etc. Sometimes you can tell she's in a mood.

For a while, she even blamed me! Which is ironic, as I'm the one telling him he should call etc.

From my experience, DDs bond with their mothers especially when they're pregnant and have children. I think this can sometimes mean the MIL can feel left out. The difference is that the DDs mum is there to help their DD, but the MIL is only interested because the baby has arrived. So I think valuing your DIL as a person and helping her, your son, along with your gc, can limit this.

I think if you stay pleasant and enjoyable to talk to then you've got a better chance!

I also know DDs that get on badly with their mother and sons that are very close - it's individual! However on the whole, I do tend to agree with you.

This is not my experience. I am much closer to one of my sons than my daughter. He phones several times a week and is much more supportive than she is.

I agree with all of these observations. I’m close to DS14, to the point where he seeks me out to regale (and occasionally secretly horrify) me with stories of the mental things his friends do and say 😂 Since he was little we’ve talked a lot about life, feelings, religious beliefs, politics, films, everything basically, even stuff my parents would have recoiled if I’d come to them about. He knows I’m there when there’s problems, and also there’s no judgement. He knows I’m a person, not his personal slave/housekeeper. There’s a while to go before he’s a man obviously and who knows what the future holds but I hope we’ll always get on. Think it helps if you see your kids as people in their own right from the outset too, which you obviously do. Never occurred to me to worry he’d grow away from me as a male, I just want him to be an independent, capable man (and not like some stories about man-babies who can’t cook a meal you read on here).

It's great to see so many positive examples here. DH is more in the has to be prompted to call his mum camp, which is a shame because she's lovely and we get on very well. Similarly my brother seems to only call mum when he wants something.

I've definitely noticed that since having children I've become a lot closer to my mum, so totally agree that pregnancy/birth can deepen that relationship, and that's obviously not something one can share with a son.

On the whole I'm heartened to hear that personality and parenting approach seem to be the biggest factors.