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Original poster

Does anyone else find maternity leave a bit of a headfuck?

34 replies

Februaryschild2023 · 16/03/2023 15:00

I just wondered about this... I'm 5 weeks pp with my second. It not PND, as had that with my first, and I feel quite content, if tired.

But I wondered if anyone else finds maternity leave a weird time- not just in terms of sleeplessness and hard work with the baby, but I really struggle with the loss of routine from my job/ the lack of normal 'touchpoints' I guess, and the normal momentum in my life. I'm happy with my baby and bonding fine but I do struggle with this unstructured time and suddenly been flung out of the loop of normal life.

It got me thinking, it is a strange thing to expect women to go from working out of the house, and all the routine and interaction that entails, to then being at home with a non speaking baby, and no routine, and then expect them to take to it completely fine. And then at the end of it, go back to work life nothings happened. It's so weird!

Does anyone else struggle with this? Everyone I've met seems to adapt really quickly to being at home and out of their usual work routine, but Im finding it disorientating...

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catsnore · 16/03/2023 15:20

yes it is totally weird! I couldn't believe how lonely I felt the first time. But then somehow you get used to it..... and then you don't really want to go back to work!

WeWereInParis · 16/03/2023 15:30

My two maternity leaves were the most miserable periods of my life. I did not cope well with it at all.

OnTheThames · 16/03/2023 15:33

I found it a really odd time.

I did have PND with my first baby. I took a year off with him and in retrospect it was too long. I realised that I really struggle without the routines and interactions of working outside of the house. As much as I might moan about work and juggling kids etc, I go a bit bonkers without working.

With DC2 I wasn’t depressed at all, she slept well and I was quite chilled. But I still struggled! Felt bored and found it hard to know what my purpose was. I know my purpose was to look after my baby Grin, but it wasn’t enough for me. I went back to work sooner after having her and felt miles better.

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Georgina125 · 16/03/2023 15:34

My DD is almost 10 weeks old and I totally get it. With my work, I had a routine and an absolute confidence in what I was doing. Now I'm still trying to work out my beautiful girls routine and I have no idea what I'm doing. It's very disorientating.

mynameiscalypso · 16/03/2023 15:36

Agreed. A lot of mine was in Covid which made it weird for different reasons but even before that, I found it very hard. Baby classes etc have some sort of semblance of 'routine' but even then it's a shock to the system. I think that's why some people - myself included - throw themselves into nap routines and weaning etc because it's an attempt to have some semblance of control.

roarfeckingroarr · 16/03/2023 15:39

I loved it with my first. I'm finding it hard with my second because two days a week I also have to look after the two year old.

NorthernWanker · 16/03/2023 15:42

Yep, I'm currently 6months into my second and find the days so boring sometimes! The first was during lockdown so was a very weird time. I find self imposed routine helps me. I set an alarm even if I have no where to be, do a couple of baby groups and have one "lazy" day a week which I keep free for house keeping stuff like shopping or getting jobs done. If I'm up and the baby is a sleep I leave her and either do a workout or have a brew in peace. I make sure I even have plans on the weekend and treat them pretty much the same as a week day.

SouthLondonMum22 · 16/03/2023 15:43

DS is 3 months and I went back to work recently because I was miserable. A long maternity leave definitely wasn't for me.

I think it's more common than you think, mums just don't say anything because they are expected to love every second.

specialkallday · 16/03/2023 15:49

I'm due number 2 soon and I'm really hoping to feel better than I did with number 1's ML but at the same time expecting to feel similar.

It's funny because I used to see mums walking babies in prams and think, ahhh that must be the life! But now I think how that woman is definitely killing time!!

If anyone has any tips for how to keep routine going I'd be really keen to know :-)

Bells3032 · 16/03/2023 15:53

I really did - though i did it straight from 2.5 years of WFH due to covid so made the transition a lot easier. Even by the end of it if I had a day with no structure I really struggled mentally. Even pre baby if i have a day with nothing to plan for i do as well. I got out and about as quickly as possible. Went to baby classes two days of the week, saw my in laws one day, my sister another and my best friend (who was also on mat leave) another. Then also fit in seeing other friends etc when i could. It helped me know what day of the week it was when i knew i was seeing/doing particular things on a particular day. Also helped me not feel like i was talking to myself

Bluestar27 · 16/03/2023 15:56

Im on mat leave with my first and agree with you that it’s a struggle with lack of routine and a lot of change to ask of a person! Don’t really have any advice but just know that others feel the same x

Vexxa · 16/03/2023 15:57

I created a weekly routine for myself with baby classes on different days. Appreciate I was fortunate to be able to do that, but it helped.

Lola001 · 16/03/2023 16:00

Thank you for this -- on paper, I'm having a brilliant time sufficient funds to go out and do things and I've managed to meet some really good friends got god it's lonely, the days are monotonous nothing like being shouted at for daring use the bathroom, I'm going back in April when my Dd is nine months I can't wait to be Lola again.

Marmite27 · 16/03/2023 16:04

Vexxa · 16/03/2023 15:57

I created a weekly routine for myself with baby classes on different days. Appreciate I was fortunate to be able to do that, but it helped.

I did the same. I hated it the first week, when I was still pregnant. I loved it mostly after baby arrived. Our NHS did a scheme like NCT as a pilot and I was in the second class, I’m still friends with 7 of them today, 7 years later.

I allowed myself to do less with my second. It helped that the same friends had babies around the same time, so we all fell back into our old routines.

WeightoftheWorld · 16/03/2023 16:12

Yeah, I basically created my own semi-structured weekly timetable on both mat leaves. I've always hated the school hols so far as my timetable mostly involves cheap and cheerful church playgroups which don't run out of term-time. We went out every day unless the weather was terrible or one or more of us was unwell. Very lucky to have lots of groups near us though which obviously not everyone does.

suzyscat · 16/03/2023 16:31

I'm the opposite, I loved it. The complete lack of routine, the freedom to let every day be whatever it needed to be. I was so content and in my element. All of the baby and life/ adult/ housework admin/ appointments/ jobs I could manage because I wasn't burnt out trying to juggle lots of things.

I have lots of friends who felt like you though. They had to have a baby group schedule and a million coffee mornings booked in to feel sane. One of my oldest friends did a baby group every day Mon-Fri until she went back to work. I think I went to 3 in total for my kids combined. Confused (I did do other stuff with them though, I'm not a terrible parent Grin)

Lcb123 · 16/03/2023 16:33

ive got a long list of things to do! Baby will be going to a lot of art galleries

Epli · 16/03/2023 16:37

I liked first months, mainly because my baby was born in April and the weather was lovely in spring/summer, so I was had very long walks with audiobooks (I think I haven't read that much since high school) and I felt I had loads of time for cultural activities. But I started missing my work around month 4 and by month 5 I was like 'I am done, get me out'!

Robin233 · 16/03/2023 16:39

First baby yes , second baby no, as I had my own in built friend with my 4 year old.
I was not off 12 weeks though.
11 months with first.

inky1991 · 16/03/2023 16:42

I'm about to start my first mat leave in 4 weeks time, and I literally can't wait for lack of routine and endless "free" days.

Of course, I may swallow my words but there's not many chances in life to have a good break from work. Maybe everyone that finds it hard, is really career focused and loves their job. I'm not like that 🤷‍♀️.

I never got furloughed or anything, and worked really hard all the way through the pandemic while watching my husband get a lovely break for 9 months sat on the sofa whilst getting paid. So I feel like my time has come!

Rolomuffin · 16/03/2023 16:42

Yes I'm finding it odd. As a teacher every minute of my day is planned out and I'm constantly on the go. Now I'm on mat leave I have nothing to do (other than changing nappies etc!). There's no structure to my day and it's totally dependent on baby. I'm slowly getting used to it though.

Italiandreams · 16/03/2023 16:46

I also found it hard, more so with my first. I didn’t realise how hard adjusting to a different pace of life would be. Definitely relaxed into more second time round but , found it hard to stay home and do nothing with my first, did a lot more groups just to keep busy.

Bambilicious · 16/03/2023 16:46

Could've written this post word for word myself and was only thinking about this earlier today.

My working life is usually so busy and now there's no structure to the days.
It's lovely not to rush about (except for school runs for my DS twice a day) and I try to get out most days but I'm just killing time. My newborn is mostly asleep and I'm here with her and the dog and don't talk to any adults until my DH gets home in the evenings. I wonder how I can integrate back into the working world when the time comes because I'll be so out of touch with it. Loving bonding with my DD but adjusting to this quiet and calm time is difficult when my days are usually so busy! Last time I was on maternity leave with my DS was 8 years ago so can't remember if I felt the same then.

Sorry OP, not much help but glad its not just me feeling this way.

tunamayo81 · 16/03/2023 16:49

Februaryschild2023 · 16/03/2023 15:00

I just wondered about this... I'm 5 weeks pp with my second. It not PND, as had that with my first, and I feel quite content, if tired.

But I wondered if anyone else finds maternity leave a weird time- not just in terms of sleeplessness and hard work with the baby, but I really struggle with the loss of routine from my job/ the lack of normal 'touchpoints' I guess, and the normal momentum in my life. I'm happy with my baby and bonding fine but I do struggle with this unstructured time and suddenly been flung out of the loop of normal life.

It got me thinking, it is a strange thing to expect women to go from working out of the house, and all the routine and interaction that entails, to then being at home with a non speaking baby, and no routine, and then expect them to take to it completely fine. And then at the end of it, go back to work life nothings happened. It's so weird!

Does anyone else struggle with this? Everyone I've met seems to adapt really quickly to being at home and out of their usual work routine, but Im finding it disorientating...

I absolutely loved my baby but hated maternity leave and it was the worst time of my life for all the reasons you’ve mentioned and more! I stuck out the year and should’ve just gone back at nine months as life got sooo much better when I did. You are not alone.

allfurcoatnoknickers · 16/03/2023 16:49

I was actually pondering this this morning - I'm about to go on my second maternity leave.

I was also totally baffled that people seemed to think that now I'd suddenly had a personality transplant and developed an interest in sitting around singing wheels on the bus. Um. No? I had a baby not a personality transplant.