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Original poster

Grandparents not interested advice

42 replies

Dolly2288 · 15/03/2023 11:14

My MIL just isn't interested in our little girl who's 7 months but her 8 year old grandson she adores puts photos of him on her Facebook has him sleep every week can't get enough of him. Not once with our daughter. Out little girl has been an inconvenience to her with her being born. One of her friends even told me so but not those words. I've kept my mouth shut for 7 months. Even Christmas Day didn't bother to see her. I've made so much effort the cards pictures etc. I've had enough, she sees her for a couple of hours once a month. I don't know what to say to my partner now we've argued so much cause it's making me resent him
As he doesn't see it how I see it. I even gave my partner his engagement ring back at Christmas as I said I don't want to be a part of his family. There so much I could write but you'd be here all day reading it. Do you think I should just stop our daughter seeing her for the couple of hours a month all together? I'm concerned our daughter doesn't know her and the grandma is only seeing her to tick a box to say she's seen her.
Any advice appreciated. It's literally eating me up this

OP posts:

Fandangoes · 15/03/2023 11:17

Babies are boring - especially other peoples, even grandchildren. Maybe she will be more involved when your child is older? You sound overly upset about this and your expectations are too high

Zola1 · 15/03/2023 11:18

That sounds really hard. Do you have your own family around who spend time with your baby?
Is the grandson MIL daughters son? Sometimes this just means they are much closer, or there might be previous circumstances that have led to MIL being especially bonded with him. I wouldn't stop the contact, I'd just focus on building your own supportive circle and just accept she's an occasional visitor. She might get better as your baby gets older, or she might not. I had a grandmother who was never that interested in me and preferred my cousins- it was my dads mum, the cousins were her daughters children, my aunt was chaotic and needed her mum a lot more. It never bothered me or affected me and as an adult I still actively don't care as no one ever made a deal out of it and we had other family members around.

Original poster

Dolly2288 · 15/03/2023 11:20

@Fandangoes they probably are, I just think it's been a lot to take on being a new mum and she's offered no support.

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AliceTheeCamel · 15/03/2023 11:22

Agree with PP, is the favoured grandson the child of MIL's daughter? There's so many stories on here of grandmothers in particular openly favouring their daughters' children over their sons'.

My FIL is not interested in his GC (its more straightforward because he can't be arsed with any of them, so at least there's no favouritism). It used to really bug me, but there is literally no changing it. Don't blame your partner unless he is actively mis-managing the situation. He can't make his mother be more interested.

Original poster

Dolly2288 · 15/03/2023 11:23

@Zola1 I have a good family circle, we both have really small families. It's his brothers son.
Just makes me jealous if I'm completely honest. My grandparents died when I was really young and I remember loving them so much and wanted them to have a similar bond but honestly she isn't interested. We haven't spoke since Christmas Day morning. She went and got the other grandson Xmas morning and took him to her house presents etc. she sent my daughter money and a scratch card in an envelope and landed that night not even from her

OP posts:

Original poster

Dolly2288 · 15/03/2023 11:25

@AliceTheeCamel it's her other sons son. I know I need to be mentally stronger and just let it go I'm just so bitter about it. I look at our baby and think why don't you want to see her she's beautiful and so good. I need to accept I can't change the actions of others

OP posts:

BreviloquentBastard · 15/03/2023 11:25

She might be one of those grandparents who gets involved when they're older and a bit more fun, my MIL was like this but I give her a pass because she lives abroad and it's a long way to go to see a small potato creature that really isn't very interesting to anyone but it's parents.

Unfortunately grandparents involvement is one of those things you can't really do much about. You can't force her to want to spend more time with her grandchild, some grandparents are very present and others are more Fairweather and to be honest it's their prerogative either way.

iwannascream · 15/03/2023 11:29

I would look at this as a blessing, yes I know its hard when you love your child and want other people to do the same, but you will not have to experience the difficulties an over bearing, interfering mother in law/ grandmother brings.

Please don't take your anger at your mother in law out on your partner, he can't force his mother to take an interest.

I loved my grandparents and spent lots of time with them, but my parents worked full time and spent what time they could with mine. I would rather they wanted to spend time with them rather than being forced.

Fraaahnces · 15/03/2023 11:31

Stop forcing yourself and your baby on her. comparing her relationship with her DGS to that with your baby isn’t fair on anyone atm. An 8y/o is MUCH easier to look after than a newborn. Why do you think it’s a competition? Ultimately, life is not a Disney movie. MIL may have bonded with her DGS for a reason. Circumstances were right at the time. Maybe her DD was young and she helped raise the kid. She may be too old (menopausal maybe) to cope with a newborn now. I don’t know how old she is or what her circumstances are. Does she work or is she SAHM?

You are the one sending all the photos and emails. Has it occurred to you that it might be too much? You seem to think that doing this means that MIL is obligated to you. She isn’t. If this isn’t working, then think perhaps that this might be about you. Stop trying to force something that isn’t going to happen. Stop going to visit. If DH wants to bring DD when she is older, you can negotiate that later. Maybe MIL will find her easier/more interesting when she’s older.

Is it possible that maybe MIL actually finds you the difficult one?

smellyflowers · 15/03/2023 11:32

I'd not bother

cptartapp · 15/03/2023 11:33

Dolly2288 · 15/03/2023 11:20

@Fandangoes they probably are, I just think it's been a lot to take on being a new mum and she's offered no support.

But you said she has your DS to sleep over every week?
No support?

FlounderingFruitcake · 15/03/2023 11:33

Grandparents involvement isn’t something you can control. Take a step back. If you see her for a few hours a month there’s no way this should be occupying so much headspace. You don’t need to do anything more than be polite during those visits. Don’t make so much of an effort on photo gifts. Cut your partner some slack because it’s outside of his control, if he’s a good partner and dad that’s all you need. Maybe she’ll keen to get more involved when LO is older because not everyone is a baby person, or maybe she won’t, but you can’t change her.

Comedycook · 15/03/2023 11:34

My mil is like this...but she's like this with all her grandchildren and her own children to be honest. If you told her she could never see any of us ever again..I'd doubt she'd give a dam.

I actually find it disgusting. My own parents are dead but if they were alive and didn't bother with my kids, I honestly think I'd tell them to piss off.

I understand how it can make you resent your dh...i struggle with this too but deep down I know it's not his fault.

Only thing I can say is you reap what you sow. Don't lift a finger for her when she gets older and needs help.

GoldDuster · 15/03/2023 11:36

Yes your baby is beautiful and good, the amount of hours she spends with your husbands mother won't affect that.

You're looking for recognition and validation from this woman, and you need to stop. It's causing mayhem in your relationship, which won't help your daughter in the long run, you're doing no good by pursuing this woman for energy that she is not willing to give.

just stop our daughter seeing her for the couple of hours a month all together? I'm concerned our daughter doesn't know her

If your real concern is that your daughter doesn't know her paternal grandmother, then stopping the minimal contact she already has won't help.

You mention that you're jealous, but thrashing around about it and letting it affect your relationship with your partner is getting nobody anywhere. Nothing good ever came from make decisions from a place of jealousy.

Try to accept the situation, get things back on civil amicable terms, adjust your expectations, and put all this energy into improving relationships with family that do make the effort.

Original poster

Dolly2288 · 15/03/2023 11:39

@cptartapp not sure what you've written?

OP posts:

GemmaEatsGrapes · 15/03/2023 11:43

cptartapp · 15/03/2023 11:33

But you said she has your DS to sleep over every week?
No support?

Show quote history

It wasn't clear in the OP but it is her nephew who stays over not her son. So no support at all.

OP You need to accept that right now this is the way it will be, it may not be what you want but this is what it is. You might consider scaling back any communication with her, it is almost like the pick me dance. If she wants to see her Grandaughter then she will. Lots of Grandparents have favourites, I am not saying it is right, just a fact.

Azerothi · 15/03/2023 11:44

Do you and your boyfriend live together? If not is that why she doesn't take much interest? It might be because you no longer want to marry your boyfriend or be part of his family. You never know.

GemmaEatsGrapes · 15/03/2023 11:45

@Dolly2288 you didn't make it clear in your opening post that the 8 year old was not your child, but in fact your nephew. You clarified in a later post but if you are already writing a post and you see it says 1 new post etc, if you click on that it empties your text meaning you lose everything you wrote, well it does for me anyway. So sometimes things are missed.

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 15/03/2023 11:45

Dolly2288 · 15/03/2023 11:20

@Fandangoes they probably are, I just think it's been a lot to take on being a new mum and she's offered no support.

Grow up

GemmaEatsGrapes · 15/03/2023 11:48

Also you are not marrying his family, you are marrying him, for him alone. If there are PIL issues then he needs to address them with his family. It's his monkeys and his circus. He cannot control other adults and their response to their Grandchildren. There are lots of posts on MN about disinterested Grandparents. It is lovely if everyone has a loving and close relationship but often that is not the case.

hiredandsqueak · 15/03/2023 11:50

Babies are pretty boring tbh and an 8 year old is easier to look after and more fun to have around. Maybe MIL will be more interested as your dd gets older and is able to interact as your nephew does. She might have given money rather than a gift because she thought you would have a better idea what dd would like or maybe she thought a five month old would have no idea about Christmas and the money would be a something you could use at a later date if she needed something. You can't change what she does only how you react so stop pushing, let her make the effort if she wants to and if she doesn't then consider it her loss and look to your family and friends to fill any gaps you think there might be.

queenofthewild · 15/03/2023 11:52

I understand, OP. MIL hasn't has anything to do with DS for 10 years. She remarried and dotes on her new DH's grandchildren, but couldn't give less of a shit about ours.

It used to upset me, but now I figure it's her problem rather than mine and it's one less person to have to squeeze in for weekend visiting.

I do feel sad for DH though. He must feel so rejected, but doesn't make a fuss about it at all.

Dillydollydingdong · 15/03/2023 11:54

I'm sorry, but it's your baby, no one else's. My niece has four DC with no support from MIL who lives locally. I live 200 miles away so I can't do much, but she rolls her sleeves up and gets on with it. (I think often it's the first grandchild who's the favourite tbh).

Bunnyishotandcross · 15/03/2023 11:54

My mil had told dh many years ago she had no desire to be a dgm. True to her word ds was born and she dumped us..
So no real shock. We moved about 45 mins away instead of 5 amd she told her friends we had cut her off.
She saw ds twice in the 4 months we lived very very near...
Back away op. Leave your bf to manage his expectations of his dm and dc. No need to fall out with him.

shouldhavetakenmorenotice · 15/03/2023 11:58

No advice but

My DM breaks her neck for my DBs children but let's my DS down all the time. She's just dropped him yet again this weekend.

DB was always the favourite and I've come to accept it, but it maddens me that she's doing it to DS too.

I try and hide it from him. DH's family are great and he's popular at school. I don't want him to ever have even the slightest inkling that he might be second choice.

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