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Original poster

Grandparents not interested advice

42 replies

Dolly2288 · 15/03/2023 11:14

My MIL just isn't interested in our little girl who's 7 months but her 8 year old grandson she adores puts photos of him on her Facebook has him sleep every week can't get enough of him. Not once with our daughter. Out little girl has been an inconvenience to her with her being born. One of her friends even told me so but not those words. I've kept my mouth shut for 7 months. Even Christmas Day didn't bother to see her. I've made so much effort the cards pictures etc. I've had enough, she sees her for a couple of hours once a month. I don't know what to say to my partner now we've argued so much cause it's making me resent him
As he doesn't see it how I see it. I even gave my partner his engagement ring back at Christmas as I said I don't want to be a part of his family. There so much I could write but you'd be here all day reading it. Do you think I should just stop our daughter seeing her for the couple of hours a month all together? I'm concerned our daughter doesn't know her and the grandma is only seeing her to tick a box to say she's seen her.
Any advice appreciated. It's literally eating me up this

OP posts:

shouldhavetakenmorenotice · 15/03/2023 11:59

Don't let it damage your relationship with your partner.

He can take your daughter if he likes, but I'd leave it to your MIL to initiate contact.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 15/03/2023 11:59

I get it. My inlaws have always favoured the other grandchildren massively. To the point that they’re obsessed with them.

Witnessing any favouritism, especially when it’s your own child being overlooked, is shit.

Palava57 · 15/03/2023 12:15

I think you are letting this get to you too much and it’s concerning that you are holding it against your partner too. Babies are very full on - is it possible that lack of sleep is making everything seem gloomy?
As has been said, babies are not that interesting & new parents often want to do everything themselves and eg worry about others holding the baby etc Grandparents often come into their own when babies are a bit older so please don’t write your MIL off yet 💐

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Comebackkenny · 15/03/2023 12:19

I think you’re completely right to be upset and annoyed at this situation. Favouritism in any form is awful, and especially insidious when children are involved. This would infuriate me.

i would just scale back a bit, stop sending pics etc and stop making the effort to visit her, let her come to you if she wants to. Explain to your husband why you are stepping back but leave it at that, don’t fall out with him about it and then you will just feel worse. It may be that when you step back he will Realise that you were the one pulling all the strings and say something to her himself.

For all the posters saying that newborns are so much harder to care for and more boring than older children etc, the OP as far as I understood it has not asked for help caring for her baby but just wants a bit of enthusiasm and involvement.

Both sets of our DS grandparents adore him and have done since the second they knew I was pregnant, all as involved as possible since he was tiny as loved being around him and now he’s 2 he has the most beautiful relationship with both sets of grandparents, absolutely loves them and I would be quite sad if this wasn’t the case. Especially if they were that way with another grandchild.

PinkDaffodil2 · 15/03/2023 12:20

How is your relationship with your partner generally? Is it possible that she feels there’s a chance you two might break up and she doesn’t want to get as invested with your daughter in case you separate and things get complicated? It could just be that babies are quite boring and needy compared to 8 year olds.

PlateBilledDuckyPerson · 15/03/2023 12:24

What was she like with the 8 year old when he was a baby?

Bettyboop3 · 15/03/2023 12:53

Dolly2288 · 15/03/2023 11:39

@cptartapp not sure what you've written?

Another one who can't read properly. Other grandchild sleeps over once a week, not yours!

QuackMooBaaOink · 15/03/2023 13:17

Some people just aren't "baby" people. Plus there is no obligation, family or otherwise, for anyone to help or support you. Yes, we would all like to hope they would, but in reality that isn't the case for lots of people. I am someone in the camp of babies are pretty dull tbh, but give me a toddler or older child and they are much more fun and easy to interact with! It isn't necessarily personal to your daughter, and it is important that you don't let your own expectations or resentments damage their relationship further. Just give it time and take the pressure off and in time maybe that bond will develop.

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 15/03/2023 13:50

An 8 year old is much easier to look after than a 7 month old; babies are a lot of work (as you well know!). You can't really compare having an 8 year old for an overnight and caring for a baby for the same amount of time, can you?

It's more concerning that you're letting this destroy your relationship with your partner. What do you expect him to do? Is he supposed to force his mother to show an interest in your child?

You would be very foolish to drive your partner away by causing all this drama over something he has absolutely no control over. You need to be mature and stop focusing on this issue and allowing it to ruin your relationship.

LivesinLondon2000 · 15/03/2023 13:55

Yep similar here. In laws obsessed with the other grandchildren. Always taking them out, do loads of childcare etc even though we live closer and have less family help (my parents live overseas).
Drove me mad for years until eventually I realised I needed to change my attitude as I couldn’t change theirs. I never visit the in-laws or make any effort with them now but I don’t stop my DH taking the DC to see them occasionally. It is sad that they don’t have that cosy grandparent relationship the other GC do but nothing I can do about it.
Am 100% determined never to be like this with my GC if I’m lucky enough to have any

DeadButDelicious · 15/03/2023 14:11

Similar situation here, major difference being that the kids are all similar ages so it's nothing to do with one being easier than another and everything to do with outright favouritism. They bend over backwards for the other grandkids, I'm currently waiting on a phone call on a sleepover that's been about 3 years in the making. I'm not holding my breath. And I won't be chasing them up, I've done enough of that. DD has a wonderful relationship with my parents, it is the Inlaws loss, not ours.

Escapingafter50years · 15/03/2023 14:42

Sorry to read this OP. My parents had absolutely no interest in my children although I'm sure if my sibling (favourite child) had had children they would have adored them. My mother in particular criticised them and my parenting almost every chance she got, now that she's elderly she is mad at me that she has no relationship with the and thinks we should all be looking after her. I am now no contact with her. It could have been so different, it's heartbreaking.

It may not be the same in your situation but if your DP's sibling is the favourite child, your DP will have been brought up to accept whatever unfair treatment is doled out and not to rock the boat. Hence he would not have your back. There is no fixing this situation if your DP doesn't start to recognise that his family is dysfunctional.

However, it could be that MIL, as others have suggested, is just not into babies. I'd suggest sending her a message asking her if she wants to see baby. If she says she doesn't mind, then don't go - only go if she has actively expressed an interest in seeing baby.

I feel your pain, it's so sad when people who should care about your darling child show no interest. It has taken me a long time to learn that I should have kept my children away from them as the message being given to them (as it was to me all my life) was that they didn't matter.

Forestdweller11 · 15/03/2023 14:48

Its not your job to facilitate contact with the MIL. Your DP should be doing that and if they dont then so be it. You can do as much or as little as you want - so if your little one does a card or picture for MIL then send them it. Continue to send them pictures etc, but on the expectation that you won't get anything back.

Weallgottachangesometime · 15/03/2023 14:55

Why should you relationship with your partner be impacted because his mum shows little interest in your child? You have a relationship with your partner…..obviously it would be nice if you got a living extended family with that, but often that’s not the case.

I would just play it by ear as to how much contact you have with MIl. If her contact time is detrimental to your child then reduce if not then keep it as it is.

Is there a wider context here? Eg do you normally get on with MIL or no? Have you asked her to baby overnight?

Fueledbycoffee · 15/03/2023 15:04

It's a crap situation. But don't upset yourself and argue with your dh because his dm can't be arsed with your dd. Neither of you can control how your MIL feels. Leave her to it and if she wants pictures etc, let her ask. Wants to see dd? Let her ask. My own MIL has met my dd once when she was less than 4 months old (she's now nearly 3) and never met ds. That's for a multitude of reasons but ultimately she doesn't want to be bothered putting in any effort. She sees her other dgc regularly enough but honestly, my dc's lives are none the worse for not seeing her. They have positive relationships with they rest of our families so focus on the positive people in your dd's life.

Kentlassie · 15/03/2023 15:06

Mil sees her other grandchildren multiple times a week. She’s met my 7 month old once.

Original poster

Dolly2288 · 15/03/2023 15:18

@everyone
Thank you all for responses I've read everyone I probably need to just make peace with myself with it. I have been struggling myself as well with being a new mum etc so it's probably my brain making it appear worse but it's a multitude of things with her if I could write it all I would. It's just hard to see so much effort she puts into everyone else and not us. I have tried so much and even when I haven't wanted to and been polite etc and treat her the same as my mum but doesn't make a difference.

OP posts:

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