3 year old won’t feed himself

[Hallo12345]

How do I get my stubborn 3yo to feed himself. He can use cutlery, a spoon, I don’t even mind if he eats with his hands but he just, 90% of the time, wants me to feed him. We’ve also got a 9mo baby who’s eating as well now and I feel like an octopus trying to feed them both and I’ve had enough! I’ve tried so many things like bribery with sweets, telling him his nursery friends feed themselves, he’s a big boy only babies are fed by their mummies, I’ve tried giving him adult cutlery to help him feel grown up. He’s absolutely just being lazy and stubborn but I don’t want a power struggle, he just won’t eat if I don’t feed him!

It is a power struggle though. You will have to stop doing it, and he will cry and rage and not eat, but then he will have to get on with it. Sorry but I think you’ll have to buckle up. Would he respond to reward/sticker chart at all?

a brightly coloured timer. He gets into it goes off. Start off with half an hour and reduce it gradually. He feeds himself within the time or the kitchen is closed.

*until

I'd just feed him - its easier all round - rather than trying to battle it.
My youngest is 4 and i still feed her - if its something i want her to eat - like her dinner.
She is well able to use a spoon when its something she feels like eating.

Just stop feeding either of them? They’ll sort themselves out if they’re hungry.

telling him his nursery friends feed themselves

Does he feed himself at nursery?

Is this a new thing? I have a 3.5 year old who started asking to be fed once we started weaning our now 10 month old. We let her have her little doll to "feed" some pretend food to and she seemed happy with that and has stopped asking now. I wouldn't feed him if he's capable of feeding himself.

Just stop. Say 'you need to use your fork and spoon DS' and repeat.
Ensure to eat together and model using your cutlery.
Children should be able to use a knife and fork by school age so he needs to get some practice then you can introduce a children's knife and phase out the spoon.
It's a good idea to get the 9 month old using a fork and spoon too, along with fingers. It will help DS not feel left out either.

I'd say " I'll feed you once then you do the next 3 mouthfuls,bet you can't do it!"

I think you should stop feeding both of them! If you put their food in front of them and you eat at the same time as them, just take the pressure off. it sounds like mealtimes are quite fraught for you all at the moment.

Is he still in a high chair? Child he sit at the table?

My youngest is 4 and i still feed her - if it’s something i want her to eat - like her dinner.

Just wow!

Is he doing it to demand your attention as he is unconsciously jealous if the younger sibling? If so it will get better when your youngest starts on more finger foods and self feeding. In the meantime you just need to praise desirable behaviour at mealtimes and ignore the rest.
Have you tried ' big boy tea' when baby is napping? Something from a book you have read together and just the two of you having a more grown up meal together? Maybe he just needs something special for him.

I would try the I do one bite, you do the next three idea. You could try to make dinner look like fun eg dinosaur chicken nuggets, mashed potato volcano with tomato sauce lava, broccoli trees, and see if that inspires them to eat it on their own. Or maybe make his favourite food, and limit snacks before so he is hungry. Make sure the other child has been fed so he won’t see it as him being ignored in favour or the sibling, and just be busy. Let him sit there and wait while you do something and see if he will just eat it himself. A few days of this might break the habit, and it won’t turn into a battle of wills.

Stop feeding both.

@Skinnermarink timer is a good idea - I’ll try that, we’ve got one of those apple HomePod things so he can set a timer himself

@Lcb123 baby does generally feed herself, I’ll spoon feed her if it’s something like porridge as I just can’t be bothered with it getting splatted on the walls etc as she’s still at that messy weaning stage, but she eats her finger foods.
do people really never spoon feed babies?

@WeWereInParis he only goes to nursery in the afternoons so only there for snack time but yes he feeds himself his snack. He feeds himself snacks at home it’s just meals, I think it’s definitely just laziness and he gets bored so quickly at the table. It’s not a new thing, he used to feed himself as a baby, not sure when he stopped and he got funny about having messy hands and messy face, but it’s been going on for a long time before baby was born

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor that’s a good idea thanks, I will try that

No he’s not in a high chair, he’s actually pretty good at the table he knows not to leave the table until everyone has finished eating. But if I don’t feed him he’ll sit there and play with his fork, make it into a ramp, a jetski, a rocket ship 😂 anything apart from eating he just gets so distracted

@ODFOx I don’t think so no, he’s been doing this way before baby was born. He’s actually had no jealousy at all regarding the baby it’s been brilliant. I’ve tried telling him ‘look baby is feeding herself and she’s a baby, you’re a big boy you should be able to feed yourself’.
that’s a good idea though setting it out as a special wee event for just him, big boy tea, I’ll try that.

Honestly, at home I'd just refuse to feed him. He will soon get hungry enough to feed himself.
Also, extend the nursery hours so he can take part in meals there.
And do family meals at the table so it's modeled back to him.
I wouldn't be spoon feeding an able 3yo

@snitzelvoncrumb thanks that’s really helpful. I’ll try that I’ll feed him once and he feeds the next 3. He does actually already feed himself if it’s something like chips, chicken nuggets etc (like dry food) or if it’s a snack, fruit, veg, like finger food type things, but don’t eat a lot of ‘kids food’, we eat a lot of pasta, stews, soups, rice etc and it’s those things he won’t feed himself. He’s not fussy at all he’ll eat anything which is great but just wants fed

Yes I might just have to be harsh for a few days. He just gets grumpy when he’s hungry though haha and I feel bad that he’s not eaten. Maybe I’ll try no snacks first. We’re moving soon and I’ve put him down for 2 full days at his new nursery so he’ll be there for his lunch. We’ve always done family meals and eat together since he was a baby. He’s got good table manners, sits at the table until everyone is finished, takes his plate to the kitchen when he’s finished etc. he used to feed himself when he was a baby, and this baby also feeds herself although I’ll spoon feed her porridge etc

I wouldn't keep feeding him. He's old enough to know he goes hungry if he doesn't feed himself, I reckon a few days and you'll be sorted if you stick to your guns.

I wouldn't keep feeding him. If he's old enough to set a timer on the HomePod himself he's definitely old enough to feed himself. Eating is a skill to be mastered just like any other. Children who turn 4 on 31st August would be expected to be able to feed themselves a school dinner and wouldn't be sat waiting for someone else to feed them.

These are good ideas. Try to keep it light and fun if you can OP, you don’t want to make too much of a thing out of this and make mealtimes a battleground. It sounds as if there are quite a lot of things your 3 yr old does well around eating so don’t lose sight of these.
Try out some ‘picnics’ maybe.
Try to take the focus off food at the table by chatting about something else.

@TheTeenageYears thankfully he won’t start school until next August but I reckon he’d probably feed himself there anyway, he’s just lazy at home!