18 month sleep regression is killing us

[RandomCatGenerator]

Help!

DS wakes up at between 1:30 and 3 every night and will basically cry and shout until you give him milk. We’ve tried controlled crying and crying it out and he can keep it up for two hours (at which stage we cave as two hours of crying feels bad for him psychologically?).

Any suggestions?

I am tempted to just give him milk immediately and then at least we’d all get some sleep.

Are you okay?

I have a 19mo but I’m not sure I have any suggestions but didn’t want to read and run.

Has he ever slept through? When is his last meal/feed at night? Is it possible he’s genuinely hungry or do you think it’s for comfort? If the latter I’d try to redirect that onto a favourite toy. How you do that is another question.

How does he respond to being told “later” generally? Would “in the morning” work (with a little persistence)? DS has an obsession with yogurts and we’ve had to start saying “one more” or “later” so he eats a more varied diet. He was getting upset if he said “please” and didn’t get what he wanted (he literally thought the word would get him whatever he asked for) but gets over it after a bit of whining and redirection. Now he normally just accepts “later”.

What about a little sippy cup of water for thirst? We have done this with DS if he hasn’t drunk much during the day. I put it in the corner of his cot and point out where it is before bed.

Another option could be a Gro clock: “we only get up and eat when the sun is up”

The more I write the more I think that if he cried I’d go in after 10 minutes. Try to settle him, explain he can have milk later, and just keep doing that for a few nights. He might cry but unless he’s unsafe or genuinely hungry I think he’ll be fine. Just might need to persevere. You know your son best.

Tbh, we used to do bedtime at 8 and then when we went to bed, leave a non spill cup of milk within reach. 18 months for us was around nap drop time and she was too tired to eat a decent dinner which added to the hunger I think. Nearly 24 months now and we're back to usually sleeping through thankfully!

I give my 2yo milk at night if she wakes up for it. Most nights it's because she didn't like dinner so is hungry. Milk is a healthy drink, I've no problem with that and would rather sleep. What's your reason to refuse milk?

Just give the milk, water it down a little. My little girl was like this and it was because she wasn’t eating enough in the day.

What's the reason for not wanting to give milk? No problem with this, was just curious? Mine went through a phase of waking for 1-3hrs around this age every night for about 6 weeks, only thing that stopped it is sleeping in his room on a mattress on the floor. Guess it was separation anxiety. Three months later and I'm still in there as he wakes regularly but I can now pat/shh back to sleep as can respond to him instantly. Could be worth a try?!

Yeah I might give this a try - good idea. Do you have a recommendation / link for a comfortable thing on which to lie? We don’t have room for a full on mattress as would go on a bed

I mean, it’s pretty shit tbh. My language was probably influenced by the hour at which I posted it, but I’m 5 months pregnant, I suffer from depression which is made worse from the pregnancy mood swings and from tiredness, and DH and I both have work stress going on too. So not doing great, tbh.

maybe a silly question: do you think your 19 month old understands all that?! I’m not sure how much DS would understand if I said ‘we only get up when the sun is up’ or ‘it’s time to be asleep now’?

I’m not so much refusing milk as I don’t really want to have to get up at 2:30am to make it. Especially as he’s quite particular about it being warmed.

@phoenixbiscuits do you have a recommendation for a non spill cup? I don’t want to deal with milk soaked mattress. We use a Tommy Tippee sippy cup which is definitely not non spill.

@RandomCatGenerator ah that's a shame. I have a double mattress on the floor, so I'm quite comfortable, which is probably why I've stayed in there so long! It just makes everyone's lives easier. Maybe just doing it in the short term might help break the cycle? Or at least help you figure out why it's happening? With mine, if he's awake and upset even for a couple of mins it's enough to wind him up and then he struggles to get back to sleep. Also could yours just be testing boundaries? Maybe he feels like he's awake, so he may as well have milk? Mine very much does better with not being handled/woken fully, and shhing/patting returns him to sleep quickly and lets him know i'm there, without me having to get him out of his cot or give in to feeding him!

P.s mine still doesn't sleep through and never has. Some nights he wakes once or twice now, sometimes 5 times etc, but 95% of the time goes back to sleep within a few mins since I started sleeping in with him x

I think there is an element of us having got into this habit. He was very ill (inpatient) months ago and we got into the habit thereafter of feeding him on demand at night because we just needed to get the liquid and calories into him. He probably quite liked it so now he wants it all the time.

I'd probably just give the milk straight away. At least he'll go back to sleep.

If it's any help we started giving our terrible sleeper eldest porridge for supper around 18 months and he started sleeping through. Worth a try.

Yes, a friend has recommended us porridge.

he does eat well in the evenings though. He’s a really good eater. Some nights he’ll sleep through, it seems to be totally random.

I think they wake specifically for milk so why not just give it?
I co slept for 2 years and noticed that she would wake frequently in the night, looked at me, and went right back. When very young she would have milk but I couldn't deal with the sleep deprivation so in week four I ended it and brought her into my bed.

This is why some couples end up sleeping apart for so long but I think that's worth it to avoid sleep deprivation

Although not 100% leak proof the 360 sippy cups don't let out much.

Could you just take up a cup of milk and a hot water flask and add some hot water to the milk when he wakes?

My DC, almost 3, and still has milk through the night although thankfully they don't ask for it to be warmed up anymore.

Massive hugs. I’m 27w pregnant with number two and suffering with antenatal depression too. My mood is all over the place and I’ve been signed off for the time being. My GP has been really great and I’d definitely speak to yours if you can. Work and a toddler was getting too much for me.

I don’t think he understands time. He’s been asking for the “blue tractor” that was in the field behind our house the other week and DH actually took him outside to prove it wasn’t there. But I do think he understands things happen in an order. Eg bedtime routine, tonight after his bath he was playing with a wind up toy I hadn’t hidden properly he found. He kept asking me to wind it again, and when I said “one more time” and he asked “again” I said, “no, the toy is going to bed now, night night toy” and he said “bed” and pointed to his cot. I asked him if he wanted to read a book (normal routine) or go to bed and he chose bed. He then said night to the clock, he named the colours (it changes from yellow to blue) and said “night night clock”. (He actually says “cock” but there you go).

I also think he understands far more than he can communicate. I think “they” say that children can understand 5 times as much as they can say. We’ve been saying “it’s sleep time” if he’s woken in the night from fairly young. And then there are times when he’ll climb into our bed, pull the duvet over him and pretend to snore. It’s the cutest thing. But all of this just shows me he understands. At nursery this month they’re working on the theme of “following instructions”, so they obviously feel that it’s not too much for his age group.

Just muddling through. You’re doing great.

Really appreciate all the suggestions, thank you.

@worklifebalancehelp that’s a really good idea on cup of milk and thermal flask of water - have told DH and we may give that a go. The 360 cups are good but if you hit them against things they do spurt out liquid - which DS has worked out and finds hilarious unfortunately.

@PurBal thank you for the info and kind words. All very interesting. They all develop at different speeds so it’s so hard to know where they’re at before they’re fully verbal! I know he understands some things we say but he also doesn’t understand or chooses to ignore other things! Thank you for being so kind. It is rough. All the very best with your own mental health and pregnancy. I’m 21 weeks and I definitely don’t feel like I’ll be making it through to 38 at work…

@monsterradeliciosa @MintGreenLife ive ordered a fold up mattress for his room. Let’s see if that helps!

It baffles me that you aren’t willing to give him milk overnight but are willing to let him cry to himself and “controlled” crying. Like seriously, where’s the logic? What do you actually think is more harmful, giving the poor boy milk at 2am for comfort or letting him sob to himself?

Try reading @EJRB. We do currently give him milk. But I’d also like an unbroken nights sleep for the first time in months.

my little girl went through this phase so we watered it down more and more and then just offered water. When she realised that was all she was getting she stopped asking. Also, I made sure she ate a snack before bed and that has helped.

We had this with our daughter, think set off after being ill and getting used to regular night wakes and think this set off separation anxiety.

We tried giving her a bit of time to self settle and find a dummy if had lost one but this seemed to backfire and she would get wound up and then up for 2 hours minimum.

Her personality is just not suited to controlled crying or CIO so we did what we call rapid return so every cry you go comfort them (in the cot but if late going in and hysterical then cuddles first).
Once soothed (we shhhhh and stroke them) then say it's sleepy time, love you, and go to leave. If start crying then straight back and repeat. If standing then lay them down. At start might get half way out to door, then to door then outside door.
Initially might take 1-2 hours of this for 2-3 nights and then should click.
Repeat this strategy for any further deteriorations in sleep (once ruled out other causes like illness, teething, etc).

I think she needed to know we would always come and comfort her straight away.
She's a bit sensitive tbh, we did gradual retreat to improve her sleep habits slowly between 6-8 months to be super gentle.

Also agree about snack, we give 30-45 mins before start bath/bedtime routine.
Munchkin Simple Clean Straw bottle hasn't leaked for us so far.

And do you have a comforter? Think that's essential for separation anxiety. Part of the soothing is to make sure it's not at the other end of cot.

Lastly do you need to cap/extend her lunch nap or bring forward if still having? Or tweak bedtime. Need to work out if potentially undertired or overtired. My daughter has split nights if overtired just to be a contradiction! Less than an hour nap and it's guaranteed basically.

Sorry for the essay! Hope this helps.

I don't think many parents of toddlers get unbroken nights sleep do they? It must be a lot worse if you're pregnant I appreciate. Can your husband not get up and give the milk?

@newmum0604 DH does it too, we tend to take it in turns who actually gets up each night. But our two bedrooms in our small flat are right beside each other so when DS wakes up, we all wake up!

He slept through last night after a dinner of weetabix…but also not sure if he napped at nursery, so bad science to attribute it all to weetabix…

I get that. I fully appreciate that as I feel exactly the same. But we don’t have babies/toddlers to fit in with our routine and sleep schedule… it’s the other way round and people don’t like to hear or accept that.

I have an 18 month old. I would love a decent full nights sleep. But I also know I lost my right to that when I decided to have a baby. Obviously we are fully well entitled to moan about being tired and desperate for sleep, but I don’t think it’s fair to expect our child to sob to themselves because we feel they should be sleeping 🤷‍♀️ it’s not their job to ensure we get enough sleep