Teenage daughters HATE each other

[ForeverDrowningInClutter]

I am absolutely at my wits end, and starting to get quite depressed. I'm a single mum of 14 and 11 year old daughters. The younger one has ADHD and a good relationship with her dad and stepsiblings. She is not great socially, and has anger outbursts, but most of the time is caring and very kind. The older one does not have a great relationship with her dad (or almost anyone e else at the moment) is horribly negative a lot of the time, but on her own is an absolute joy to spend time with. They hate eachother. They can't compromise, can't tolerate eachothers presence, constantly shout at eachother - especially over the xbox and TV and are so spiteful it make me cry. For context, we have 3 tvs, one just for the xbox with a small screen, 1 family to that has the BT package and can also be used for the xbox, and one in my bedroom with a firestick. The arguing about the xbox is really getting to me, and I honestly hate it. Any tips for creating a happier home? Sorry for the long post but I desperately need some help.

Firstly, they get told their behaviour is unacceptable Nd you won't tolerate it. Part of the rules of the family gome are that you are polite and cLm around each other. If they cant do thay, they go to their room. It's not fair on the rest of the family to be subject to their inappropriate behaviour.

Then I'd schedule set times they can use the xbox. If that time is interrupted by the other sibling, the sibling loses their time slot.

Also schedule decent one on one time either both girls, separately. Including with older dd and her dad. 14 is a tough age, especially if younger sister has SEN and family life perhaps inadvertently caters to her needs first and foremost.

Sorry for typos!

I’d get another X Box. I know that won’t be a popular response but I would. Remove the main source of tension and tell them if any more arguments over other stuff, both will be removed.

I’d buy another Xbox if you can afford it if that’s where most of the fighting stems from.

For a start it won’t always necessarily be this way. You are describing me and my sister at those ages, we are close now and get on great.
There’s quite a difference between 14 and 11 in terms of maturity, hormones, peer pressure etc.. the 11 year old won’t have a clue what the 14 year old feels and vice versa.
Try family meetings and family rules to improve communication, and hopefully to promote boundaries. Have regular meetings where you encourage them to think of how to resolve their disputes.
Tell them how all this affects you!

Pack the xbox away until they've shown you they can share it respectfully.

I think everyone is a kinder parent than I am. I’d personally take it away. I’m not sure buying another one teaches them anything

Me and my sisters hated each other at that age - it will pass once the youngest hits about 17!
In the meantime, make sure each of them has their own space. Yes, they should be able to share things like the Xbox, but in reality if it’s making everyone miserable you have 2 choices. Get rid of it so they can’t fight over it, or get a second set up.
I was fortunate with my DDs in that there’s a 10 year age gap, but the memories of dealing with just 1 teen tantrum at a time brings me out in a cold sweat! I feel your pain x

Remove the xbox!!! Quietly, when they are out to a place they cannot access.

Schedules will just create more arguments. With ADHD chances are it is actually a contributory factor as well as most games wind the ADHD up. (This is especially true of any game that cannot be paused or has its own internal time frame with its own sense of urgency). Consoles are not great for ADHD

Warn them you will do the same with the telly. Yy to giving them strategies and verbal frameworks as to how to talk about problems

The thing is, teens can find it incredibly hard to control their emotions. They most likely know how they should behave towards each other, that they should share / be kind / take turns, but on a day to day basis some find it almost impossible. Throw ADHD into the mix and you’ve got a perfect storm.
teens in particular need to feel like they have some autonomy over their lives. Unless you’re very careful, punishing their difficulties in controlling their emotions can have serious consequences.

The younger one has ADHD and a good relationship with her dad and stepsiblings. She is not great socially, and has anger outbursts, but most of the time is caring and very kind. The older one does not have a great relationship with her dad (or almost anyone e else at the moment) is horribly negative a lot of the time, but on her own is an absolute joy to spend time with.

how much is made of this? Are they being compared negatively? 'Why can't you get on like X (11 yo)'?
Who does 11yo focus anger outbursts on? Just 14 yo or everyone? How is their relationship when 11 yo is being kind, can 14 yo reciprocate or is she still mean?

Mine are 16/14 now and can just about tolerate each other again. My youngest also has ADHD (as do I).

Get them off the Xbox, frankly. It needs limiting. Screens are addictive anyway but even more so for ADHD with little time awareness and impulse control.

I game myself, but only because I have the ability to restrict myself to 3 hours a week on a Sunday afternoon when they’re at their sports clubs. Given half a chance, I’d easily be able to play 12 hours straight and not realise (something I frequently did as a teen in the summer between GCSE-A Level as my Dad worked long shifts and we lived in the middle of nowhere so not much else to do). My moods were terrible.

One thing that helped us was getting non console games and playing them together. We have a cupboard full. Exploding Kittens and Alice Is Missing are the ones we play the most.

Make sure the eldest gets plenty of 1-1 time; her sisters ADHD will be impacting her.

@Dotcheck yeah I am a kind parent. I’m lucky that they can both have Xbox and tv in their room (12 and 16).
I never fight fire with fire (removal of Xbox). That just makes the tension in the house worse. I make my life as easy as possible then teach life lessons as calmly and kindly as possible.
We all play board games together and watch films together and very rarely fall out.
So yes I am a soft touch but equally I’m bringing up calm, kind kids imo.

I'd lose the Xbox.
My relationship with my brother was the same from very young - he also has an ADHD diagnosis - and still is now.

I never fight fire with fire (removal of Xbox). That just makes the tension in the house worse.

Fully agree with you there. Harsh punishments - and removing the Xbox will seen as very harsh by both of them- doesn’t work. Never has imo, unless your aim is to ensure your dcs are so frighten of you then they dint dare do anything/open their mouth etc….

I would be pretty intolerant of this behaviour.

I would take everything away and set some house ground rules with their input. Tell them no one except you gets the TV, x-box or anything else until the rules are agreed.

Hmm, be careful as you sound very smug here.

It may be that you can take a lower pitch approach because you have calmer kids to deal with, rather than it all being your prefect parenting that has brought the situation about.

I have a nice calm house myself but some of that is just the luck of the draw. Some of it is me.

I brought up kind caring children too.
I just don’t believe children need to be on an Xbox so much that they require one each .
I also think it is ok for them to plan to do something else on the night they are not scheduled to use it.
I’ve always worked in colleges and six forms though, and see so many children who game way too much

@Dotcheck
@carriedout

Sorry, didn’t mean to sound smug. I can assure you my children are definitely not calm all the time but I try to keep conflict to a minimum wherever possible and the Xbox thing would be one of those times.

In our house if at item causes major issues it's taken away until they can find a way to share it.

I'd be sitting them down, explaining the issues, consequences and asking them to come up with solutions. Giving them a chance to work it out and take responsibility. You could propose solutions too.

Personally I would've buy another Xbox as that would be rewarding the behaviour, and I don't believe anyone should be gaming so much that we'd need two.

I would take the xbox away, put it in a relatives attic so that you can't be cajoled into giving in.

If they fight over the TV then neither of them is allowed to watch it. I'd encourage them to both go to their rooms, or take it in turns to send one to their room, no matter whose ''fault'' it is.

Make it clear that it's not just the perpetrator who is at fault, it's the person who reacts with extreme defensiveness.

Whilst I agree with you about the TV (although tbh pretty irrelevant now with mobile phones), xboxes should never be in places they can't be easily monitored. You may have got away with it but I know kids with ADHD who will smash stuff in there room because the Xbox is just too over stimulating.

Sometimes our parenting choices work more by luck than judgement

I’ve already posted that I would provide another XBox and nothing so far on this thread has changed my mind. The above is my parenting philosophy too and for us it works and yes, my teens are largely kind, calm, laid back and good friends. If saying this makes me “smug” then so be it 😊

Kudos for highlighting a very rarely considered, but incredibly important point. 👏

Thank you all very much for the advice and ideas. I cannot afford another xbox, so thats not an option, and I am not keen on the girls having tvs in their bedrooms anyway. I have sat them down, and had a chat and I told them how I felt - and asked them for solutions. We are going to put restrictions in place, that they suggested. My eldest said that she thinks I am too soft! She said I don't follow through when I punish them, and doesn't feel consequences - so that was eye opening, and a bit embarrassing. I think @Soontobe60 thinks like i do, but I seem to have taken allowing them to police themselves TOO far. Hopefully we'll find something that works. Thanks again.