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Original poster

Partner swore at out kids, how should I have reacted?

29 replies

Talljock · 02/03/2023 13:44

I have the the incredible ability to suppress almost all of my anger at any situation and react with an astonishing level of control. The issue is that I then wonder afterwards how I should have reacted and then spend many days discussing (with myself) what the appropriate reaction should have been. This is one of those times but as it concerns my children I wanted to ask for opinions if I may?

I was in work recently when my partner rang to tell me she was having a bad with our children, and sounded super stressed on the phone. Initially she shouted at me "come and get your fu*ing kids (1 and 3). I won't be here when you get back" and hung up. I rang her straight back and again she shouted at me to go home and get the kids, I then heard her (no exagerration) scream at our 3 year old to "fuk off, I can't deal with you today!".

I managed to calm the situation, as I always do, and didn't go home to get the kids. But it has left a real sour taste in my mouth and I feel really conflicted over what I should have done, and whether it is something I need to bring up and discuss with her?

Is this a normal outburst or do I need to be worried?

Thanks

OP posts:
Moonicorn · 02/03/2023 13:45

Not normal and a man doing that would be called abusive. Please call the health visitor, she won’t be in trouble but explain she isn’t coping and needs help.

Randomhead · 02/03/2023 13:47

No not normal in any way. I swear a lot but would never swear AT my child, it’s abusive. Beyond the swearing what she was saying is plain nasty and abusive.

PleasantZen · 02/03/2023 13:48

I'm not sure why you are focusing on your reaction. You need to focus on what's going on with her. It doesn't sound like she wants to look after your kids. What's the set up?

Of course you should be bringing this back up with her. Find out how often she feels like this.

Everyone responds to things differently in the moment but no one should be shouting swear words at an infant or child. And you need to make sure that doesn't happen again.

Interested in this thread?

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3 year olds Families General parenting
beastlyslumber · 02/03/2023 13:51

You should have gone to take care of your children. Leaving them in the care of someone who had obviously lost the ability to cope was negligent.

Does your partner do 100% of the childcare? Are they her children? Does see have any support? Why didn't you go and get your kids when she very clearly let you know that they needed you?

ijustneedanamefgs · 02/03/2023 13:52

Of course it’s not normal, but it sounds like she’s not coping. Why would you not go home and see to your kids?? You are the unreasonable one imo. Obviously her actions are unreasonable but you in a reasonable state of mind just left her and the kids in the situation. She essentially screamed help and you ignored it.

StressedToTheMaxxx · 02/03/2023 14:01

She sounds like she was very much struggling. You should have gone home to help, unless you absolutely couldn't. You should be sitting down with her, no blame no judgement, and asking how she's coping and how you can help.

Original poster
Talljock · 02/03/2023 14:10

It would take too long to explain exactly why I didn't immediately rush home after the phonecall. I don't feel the kids are in any physical danger and if I did I would of course go and be with them.

I will say that they are both of our kids and we live together, and although I work full time I do try and do my bit when I'm at home.

I will open the discussion with her though, thanks

OP posts:
Marchforward · 02/03/2023 14:16

Sounds like she is at breaking point. I think you should have listened to her and gone home. She needs more support, from
GP, HV and whoever else is able to offer it.

beastlyslumber · 02/03/2023 14:42

You're not "doing your bit" when your partner is breaking down and cannot cope and you're just telling her to calm down and leaving her to it.

I'd love to hear her side of this story.

Moonicorn · 02/03/2023 14:45

beastlyslumber · 02/03/2023 14:42

You're not "doing your bit" when your partner is breaking down and cannot cope and you're just telling her to calm down and leaving her to it.

I'd love to hear her side of this story.

Well you would because she’s the female so mumsnet will desperately be searching for angle from which her shouting and swearing at her toddler is all the man’s fault.

If the sexes were reversed it would be LTB and he’s ‘abusive’.

bellac11 · 02/03/2023 14:48

Moonicorn · 02/03/2023 14:45

Well you would because she’s the female so mumsnet will desperately be searching for angle from which her shouting and swearing at her toddler is all the man’s fault.

If the sexes were reversed it would be LTB and he’s ‘abusive’.

Show quote history

Absolutely this.

Although I assumed OP was female, same sex relationship, not sure why.

Original poster
Talljock · 02/03/2023 15:02

I'm not female, perhaps it was the use of the word partner that caused mild confusion.

I do feel as though people are quick to label the dad as the negligent one, and wonder what the response would have been had I been the mum posting this about my husband.

That being said, I possibly could have done more in this scenario and will have the conversation with my other half tonight asking her feelings on it, and why/how it reached the point it did. Thank you everyone for taking the time to offer their views

OP posts:
FourFour · 02/03/2023 15:53

StressedToTheMaxxx · 02/03/2023 14:01

She sounds like she was very much struggling. You should have gone home to help, unless you absolutely couldn't. You should be sitting down with her, no blame no judgement, and asking how she's coping and how you can help.

Oh please because it's a woman she must be struggling?? She is abusive FFS. To the child that trusts her, she is abusive. Stop making excuses for women, a man would be called abusive and all sorts. Op Yanbu, but Yabu to not have gone home immediately. Don't leave her alone with the children, she sounds like she could seriously harm them.

buckeejit · 02/03/2023 16:09

I calmed the situation as I always do? This sounds arrogant & dismissive.

If my partner had said that on the phone I'd have recognised that their mental stability was in Question & they were struggling. Why didn't you go & get the children & give her a break? Maybe reevaluate things to allow her some time to feel better & possibly access counselling to find the root of the problem.

Good luck

Bunnyishotandcross · 02/03/2023 16:18

Unless you have been stuck at home daily with 2 very small dc nobody can judge... She is telling you loud and clear she is stressed.
What provision can you both find to change things for all of you op?

Fancysauce · 02/03/2023 16:27

When i phoned my dh in the middle of a breakdown with undiagnosed MH issues, he jumped in the car and came straight home from work. He took care of the kids for the rest of the day while i went for a walk to get some headspace, and called the GP. I didn't swear at my kids but i couldn't stop crying, and i was just desperate.

After a lot of therapy and meds i got better but I'm forever grateful to my dh that he rushed home when i was at rock bottom without needing to be asked and made sure we were all safe.

So .. no i don't think you did do the right thing. If nothing else, you couldn't have known if your dc were safe.

beastlyslumber · 02/03/2023 16:36

Moonicorn · 02/03/2023 14:45

Well you would because she’s the female so mumsnet will desperately be searching for angle from which her shouting and swearing at her toddler is all the man’s fault.

If the sexes were reversed it would be LTB and he’s ‘abusive’.

Show quote history

Whatever. Maybe she's abusive. Maybe she's having a breakdown. Either way, the OP should have gone and made sure that his kids were safe.

Mumsnet is primarily for women (clue's in the name) so if you don't like it, go elsewhere. I believe there's a dadsnet somewhere.

Moonicorn · 02/03/2023 16:41

beastlyslumber · 02/03/2023 16:36

Whatever. Maybe she's abusive. Maybe she's having a breakdown. Either way, the OP should have gone and made sure that his kids were safe.

Mumsnet is primarily for women (clue's in the name) so if you don't like it, go elsewhere. I believe there's a dadsnet somewhere.

Show quote history

Oooooh you’re hard 🙄

Moonicorn · 02/03/2023 16:44

Talljock · 02/03/2023 15:02

I'm not female, perhaps it was the use of the word partner that caused mild confusion.

I do feel as though people are quick to label the dad as the negligent one, and wonder what the response would have been had I been the mum posting this about my husband.

That being said, I possibly could have done more in this scenario and will have the conversation with my other half tonight asking her feelings on it, and why/how it reached the point it did. Thank you everyone for taking the time to offer their views

Yeah you will not get a fair hearing on here - default position is the female is the victim, if there’s a male he’s the oppressor, and if you suggest anything else you’re either a misogynist or have internalised misogyny.

Yeah, you could/should have gone back, sometimes easier said than done asking your boss if you can bunk off home because your other half is finding the kids stressful.

I would phone the health visitor, ask for some help for her and try to work out what’s going on. Don’t ignore it though or pussyfoot around her, her behaviour towards your child was absolutely unacceptable.

Lejuge28 · 02/03/2023 16:48

Tag Line is by Parents for Parents. So surely anyone who is a parent is a welcome addition to the site.

buckeejit · 02/03/2023 19:16

Hope the children & partner are ok. If you're used to this then there's a problem & something needs to change. Not fair on the children to have to put up with this

picklemewalnuts · 02/03/2023 19:22

If my husband rang me at work, swearing at me and swearing at our preschool kids, damn right I'd go home. It's not about whether she needs support- though she might- it's about protecting your children when an adult is being abusive.

That can't be allowed to carry on. You need to talk to her and see if she needs things to change, because it can't carry on like this- and she needs to know that.

dramakween · 03/03/2023 09:49

It doesn't sound like your partner usually shouts and swears at the children. She was calling to tell you she needs your help and has nothing left to give. Have you ever been a full time carer to a 1 and 3 year old? You may need to rearrange things so your partner can get more down time because it sounds like she's at breaking point. Presumably she'll not be feeling great about speaking to the kids this way. If she thinks it is fine and she does it often then that's a different issue.

drpet49 · 03/03/2023 10:00

Moonicorn · 02/03/2023 13:45

Not normal and a man doing that would be called abusive. Please call the health visitor, she won’t be in trouble but explain she isn’t coping and needs help.

This.

Teacupjunkie · 03/03/2023 10:57

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ as requested by the OP.