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Parenting

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Original poster

Strange comment from my mum about my 3yo

43 replies

hiraethx · 28/02/2023 13:06

My mum babysat my 3 year old for a night and when she dropped him back she made a comment about how she thinks he needs to be circumcised for medical reasons and that he has the same thing my brother had as a baby where his foreskin is too tight and can't be pulled back. Thought it was a weird thing to say but just sort of ignored it. Spoke to my husband who was quite concerned that she's tried to pull it back for her to be saying it can't be pulled back and saying theres absolutely no reason to be doing that.

It's all a bit weird but he's really not happy about it and I do find it a bit odd. I'm not suggesting it's anything dodgy I know she's not a paedophile or anything crazy but it does feel like she has massively overstepped if she has done anything like that. Do I address it with her?

OP posts:

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Vegrocks · 28/02/2023 13:08

Because I know my mum loves my children more than she probably loves me! And I trust her more by than anyone… no, this would not make me even remotely concerned

LouLou198 · 28/02/2023 13:10

Surely she is just concerned, and maybe noticed when she was washing him?

DysmalRadius · 28/02/2023 13:10

I think you need to ask her if she was trying to pull it back as its very different expressing a concern over something she happened to see vs an active attempt to pull it back.

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3 year olds Behaviour & development Families General parenting

Vegrocks · 28/02/2023 13:11

How do you husband and mother usually get on?

Original poster

hiraethx · 28/02/2023 13:11

DysmalRadius · 28/02/2023 13:10

I think you need to ask her if she was trying to pull it back as its very different expressing a concern over something she happened to see vs an active attempt to pull it back.

Yes that's more my concern not that she's dodgy or anything but just for her to say it can't be pulled back insinuates she tried and I don't understand why she would. I've never done anything of the sort and wouldn't know if it could be or not, it was just odd

OP posts:

TriedTurningItOff · 28/02/2023 13:12

Agree, it's a bit weird. Not suggesting your mum is a paedophile, just that one wouldn't normally think 'Oh I know, I'll check if his foreskin retracts" when babysitting a three-year old. I'd also feel she'd overstepped the mark.

NuffSaidSam · 28/02/2023 13:13

I would think that's she's tried to pull it back while bathing him/changing his nappy to clean it? Obviously, she shouldn't do that, but maybe she doesn't know that?

I'd ask her how she found out and tell her that she shouldn't be doing that. It needs mentioning, but doesn't need to become a massive issue.

3ormorecharacters · 28/02/2023 13:13

Presumably if it's something your brother had as a baby, it's something she has a heightened awareness of (and possibly concern that it might be inherited) and so she might be inclined to check?

Dartmoorcheffy · 28/02/2023 13:14

Was she giving him a bath when he stayed with her or is he still in nappies. Its quite a valid concern as it does make it difficult to keep clean and can also be painful later in life if not treated.

birdglasspen · 28/02/2023 13:15

It is a thing but I don’t think you get it seen till 6/7 years of age, maybe when changing a nappy she just noticed thinking about your brother. My 6 and 3 Year old both have it and I’m hoping it sorts itself out. It’s worth while you being aware of it as it can cause soreness and redness as it can’t be cleaned as easily.

Original poster

hiraethx · 28/02/2023 13:19

No he's fully toilet trained so not in nappies, he might of had a bath yes. I suppose she might of just checked because of the family history but it just feels a strange thing to do, he's obviously tiny at his age and I wouldn't think it very safe to be pulling his foreskin back? That's what my husband is annoyed about that it was a huge overstep and could of hurt him

OP posts:

SpringtimeDandelions · 28/02/2023 13:22

If she has a belief that a tight foreskin is problem at that age and would need to be fixed, perhaps she tried to look given her memories of it being a “problem” for your brother. She must have retained a (false) belief strong enough to make her think it’s a medical problem serious enough to need an operation to fix. Did your son have a bath when he was with her? Would she have seen retracting the foreskin to wash under there as important for keeping him clean?

It would be worth your telling her that there is nothing wrong about a foreskin that doesn’t retract at that age in the absence of other issues (one Danish study showed an average age being around 10!) and that in fact it should be left well enough alone from a medical perspective. See nhs advice for eg:
www.nhs.uk/conditions/phimosis/

I think I would feel the same as your husband, by the way, and would not be happy if a family member did/said this. Trying to see it from her point of view, if she has absorbed some misinformation, was she doing what she thought was in his best interest?

Meandfour · 28/02/2023 13:23

TriedTurningItOff · 28/02/2023 13:12

She was probably changing him or washing him as she had him overnight and might have been concerned knowing what happened to OPs brother. I don’t think there’s anything untoward here. Just someone with lived experience of a particular issue that doesn’t want her grandson to go through the same.

Marblessolveeverything · 28/02/2023 13:23

My eldest had a similar issue, thankfully resolved itself. Putting myself in your mother's shoes - I would raise the possibility to the parents but I would not examine their son. I do remember my mother telling she was told to retract foreskin on her sons- so maybe it was a generational thing?

But no I would be with your DH on this one - but perhaps she asked your son to try and retract? I would have a conversation.

Meandfour · 28/02/2023 13:24

hiraethx · 28/02/2023 13:19

Surely she got him undressed and dressed at least once? Maybe helped him wipe after using the toilet?

Vegrocks · 28/02/2023 13:24

I suppose she might of just checked because of the family history

this

but fact your husband is very het up

and you are concerned and asking anonymous posters for their thoughts… then definitely need to raise with her

Bunnyishotandcross · 28/02/2023 13:25

A dc out of nappies needs nobody manhandling their genitals.
Why aren't you fuming op?

WeWereInParis · 28/02/2023 13:27

I'd probably feel similar to your husband, but equally it sounds like she was trying to help?

My DH was circumcised as a child for medical reasons and I guess it's something my MIL might look out for if we had a son (we only have daughters). I wouldn't expect her to check herself though.

Icecreamandapplepie · 28/02/2023 13:31

My husband had a condition that caused a very tight foreskin. He had years of trouble when he got older, and finally had a circumcision at 31.

Sadly we think our lb has the same condition, so looks like there may be some genetic element.

I can understand your mum's concern.

7Worfs · 28/02/2023 13:33

Your husband is right to be annoyed!
Your mother was out of order in two ways:

Medical advice is to not try and retract skin on babies and young boys
Not modelling good boundaries to your DS. At that age no one should be touching there unless it’s for washing, and even then give a verbal explanation

I’m sure she meant well, but I’d no longer trust her judgement on what’s appropriate.

Bunnyishotandcross · 28/02/2023 13:35

So when your dc learns the pants rule will you be telling him dgm is OK to handle his penis?

WinterMusings · 28/02/2023 13:40

Bunnyishotandcross · 28/02/2023 13:25

A dc out of nappies needs nobody manhandling their genitals.
Why aren't you fuming op?

Bathing properly?

is it no longer a 'thing' to do this when bathing a small boy?

AgeingDoc · 28/02/2023 13:40

Advice has changed on the subject. It used to be the norm for parents to be told to retract the foreskin to clean, and a non retractile foreskin by age 2 or 3 commonly led to circumcision. As a junior, I must have anaesthetised hundreds of small boys for circumcisions that would now be considered unnecessary 😥
We now know a lot more about the natural history of the foreskin and realise that, left to their own devices, most will retract fully by puberty, and apart from boys with a few specific problems, most won't need a circumcision.
Sounds to me like your Mum just isn't up to date on the current advice, and let's face it, why would she be, if she doesn't have a small boy to look after regularly or work in healthcare? Grandparents are often a bit out of the loop, quite understandably really. I am sure when my DC's have their own children they will be rolling their eyes at some of my "old fashioned" advice!
So I wouldn't be angry with her, but I would speak to her and ask her not to do it again. There's sound evidence that attempting to retract a non retractile foreskin does more harm than good. There's no need to do more than just bathe the outer surface.
I'd just have a gentle word with her, explaining that advice has changed since your brother was a baby and that whilst you appreciate her concern would she please not do it again.

diddl · 28/02/2023 13:41

I don't think that it has been a thing to check for for quite some years has it?

Why wouldn't she just tell you to look out for it when he was born if she was concerned rather than checking herself?

Springisclose · 28/02/2023 13:44

Your poor mother. All she is trying to do is help. The amount of savage comments on here about boundaries and interfering.
She is looking out for your DS.

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