Failing my baby

[Givemethesun]

Sorry for the long , rambly message. I feel like I am failing my baby. To start of positively, she is exclusively breastfed and three months. She’s doing all her developmental milestones as far as I can tell. Everyone keeps telling me she is alert.

But I don’t think she is very happy. She smiles a little bit if she likes a nursery rhyme or if she has woken up in a good mood or likes a face, but so rarely I don’t have any photos of her doing it. She seems very unhappy/serious.

She is also quite small and although growing she has fallen from 9th centile to 2nd centile. I’ve worried about her weight since about four weeks. I tried asking the gp about her weight at my 6 week postpartum check as well as at the baby’s 8 week check. Both gps dismissed my concerns.

Baby has always had the required wet and dirty nappies throughout.

I also asked the gp at the 8 week check to check my baby for tongue tie - she confirmed definitly none.

I haven’t really had any support breastfeeding. In fact I didn’t know any was available. I called our HV central telephone line (I didn’t know this existed either until recently) about another matter at week 11 and they recommended the breastfeeding cafe. I have since gone to the BF cafe and the health visitors there picked up that baby was small. The HVs there also picked up then that baby has a tongue tie (too late for the operation but told I can carry on BF if I focus on correct latch) Baby is putting on weight but I’ve been asked to come back for a re weight in two weeks time because she has fallen a centile.

Since baby has been small we have had boughts of screaming/intense crying. I constantly just thought “my baby isn’t happy.” Even now at 12 weeks I still can have an hour of solid screaming. I assumed it was because baby was overtired but now I am worried it may have been because baby was hungry all this time and I’ve failed her all this time.

I also am worried that although I do my best to comfort her when she’s crying that perhaps she didn’t feel comforted because she often wouldn’t stop crying for a long time.

I feel so terrible that I may have failed my baby and made her miserable. I also feel I should I have known about the breastfeeding cafes, and even known that there was the central HV number. I should have pushed the tongue tie. It makes me feel sad that I may have caused my baby to feel unhappy for the first few months of her life. I’ve really tried my best to look after her but I feel like I should have done more.

DS is 11 weeks and I can identify with this. He has periods of time where he’s really sad and unsettled and it’s hard to see.

Did you do ante-natal classes? I’ve found it helpful to meet up with other women from there as everyone feels the same. Some babies don’t sleep, others won’t feed, others won’t play etc. They can also be really good groups to signpost you to other places.

Are you continuing to ebf? We had to move DS to combi feeding as he was losing weight (dropped 12% of body weight in the first week) and he’s now gaining well. Even if you don’t want to do formula, are you able to express so she can feed extra if she needs to?

I don't what to say about the weight gain but my DD was not a smiley baby at all. You had to work very hard to make her smile. I had the constant feeling she wasn't happy to have landed with me... fast forward 4 years she is the most kind, sensitive, lovely, fun-loving, laughs all the time little girl. I am not biased as I have three children and she had a sunnier disposition than my two others. Sometimes my husband and I jokingly wonder whether she's an angel send to Earth to brighten the world 😂!

Anyway all this to say that she didn't like being a baby but it has 0 bearings to what she became! It gradually got better with a proper transformation around 18 months!

My baby is 7 weeks old, she is FF fed, mostly unhappy at the moment (no reason identified), I think it's just a developmental phase they go through.
Are you thinking about topping up with formular? Does she take a bottle?

If she has a tongue tie, she might naturally have a less smiley mouth! Don’t take it personally. We got DD’s tongue tie snipped (also fobbed off by the NHS - and I had nothing but excellent care with every other aspect of her birth/early days) and I know the woman who did it treats babies up to 12 months so if you can afford to go privately then I don’t think it is too late.

We were put on a feeding plan with formula top up feeds for DD when she lost weight. If you would be willing to do this, I suggest asking your health visitor. Or you could probably just do it yourself using common sense for how much extra to feed.

Good luck! I’ve felt similar to you and it is the worst feeling, but you are NOT failing her. You are doing your best for her at each moment in time - the goalposts will shift as you learn more about the support available, and you just adapt to take that support in. Asking for help, and accepting it when you manage to find it, is the opposite of letting her down.

Thank you for the replies.

I just wish my baby would give me some indication that she is happy in the world. I keep seeing on Facebook other people’s happy babies and calculating how old they are compared to my baby.

The HV said I am ok to continue to EBF until the next weight check in two weeks (because baby is alert, gaining weight albeit slowly, and has the required nappies) but since that conversation I’m just worrying at home that it will be another two weeks of possibly not giving my baby exactly what she needs.

She won’t take a bottle - she screams! I would be happy to give her one bottle a day of formula if I could. Is it crazy if I considered syringe feeding her a bit of formula like how I give her the calpol.

I don't think many babies smile in the first three months ish, they just don't give much back for a while. Hold on for the smiles. At this point they're just eating, pooping and sleeping most of the time.

Tongue tie is a whole mindfuck of its own, from what I remember there have been different views on it over the years so some doctors were trained to believe that it doesn't really exist. There are different types, some easier to spot. None of that is your fault at all.

Babies just cry a fair bit, and you have to survive it. Their bodies are tiny, even a bit of wind can really hurt. It doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong if she cries.

Forget what's happened until now, the (possible) problem within your control is her weight. Ask your hv if that's an actual problem or just something to keep an eye on. You need to focus on the things that are within your control, not stuff in the past or possible things in the future.

One thing about motherhood is that it's impossible to do perfectly. It's a constant learning process. Whatever you do, there will always be something you think could have been different or better. Don't beat yourself up over what you wish you had done.

These early months are really brutal, getting sense out of the health people about bf can be a labyrinth, just be kind to yourself.

It’s a relief to hear other babies have been put on a feeding plan. If my dd hasn’t increased weight enough at the next check in I think a feeding plan will be disucsed. I think the mention of a feeding plan is what kick started me to feeling like I am failing my baby. But I guess you are right - I’m definitly going to act on and work with any advice from the HVs that I am given so that is supporting my baby.

You sound like you're doing a fantastic job given the struggles you've had and lack of information given to you by professionals.

I don't know why you've been told it's too late for a division as it's not. I'd ask for a referral to your tongue tie clinic asap so it can be looked at to see if it needs cutting.

I completely get it. My DD is younger than yours but all my emotions have been linked to (what I perceive as) her successes and failings. Tongue tie? My fault for somehow growing it like that. Good latch? Well done us, today will be a good day.

The term “feeding plan” made me feel so low, like I needed teaching how to feed my baby. But honestly, she gulped back the bottles for the first few days and now (even though she isn’t quite back at the weight we want) it’s more of a battle for her to take them. I think because she is less hungry, she is more relaxed and then able to breastfeed better, which in turn means she needs less formula. That’s what I am telling myself anyway.

All the medics we have seen have been more concerned with wet and dirty nappies than the feeding, so I would remind yourself that she is doing something right if you have lots of those.

At 3 months there’s plenty of time for a tongue tie to be snipped, it’s usually upto a year - my niece had hers done on the NHS at 6 months and I saw a private IBCLC who would do them upto 1 year.

Personally I’d get it done as it might make a huge difference - that or she’s just a serious baby!

Dropping one centile line is ok too but I would think tongue tie snip would help.

OP, you haven't failed your baby, the fact that you are worried about your parenting shows you are a good mother who cares about her baby. Regarding the weight gain etc, I'm in similar situation with my 6m old, he was born on 1st centile, went upto 9th, now is around 8th so not a massive drop but he has had a feeding problem since birth which has always worried me. Turns out he has CMPA. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone and it's not your fault x

Your baby is being a normal baby.

In a few months they will be laughing, interacting. Until then cuddles no overthinking and try not to let crying g get you down- it's what babies do!

Firstly you are doing a fab job. Your baby is warm, safe and fed!

I think most babies are quite miserable. I always found if I go out for a walk then they are much happier for it than if I stay at home.

In regards to feeding, I guess you are feeding on demand? So usually 2-3hours especially if seeking weight gain. Hope your baby gains weight for the next weigh-in!

My DD cried for what felt like all of her 3rd month. I'd get so upset when I couldn't settle her. It's so hard when it feels like it's all down to you and your body.

Then she learnt to laugh (her first laugh was actually at me wiping my face from crying!) and things got a lot better. She's now a glorious, happy toddler. I'd take any amount of toddler tantrums over those newborn days.

Hang on in there! You're doing great and it will get better, even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment.

@Givemethesun
Just wanted to quickly say that you're in what I remember as being the hardest part for me. I felt the same as you, like I'd failed my little baby and I kept telling myself that I needed to start being a proper mum. It will pass, and I know you've got weight concerns going on, but you'll do your absolute best - like you already are, and that means the absolute world to your baby. It's so hard isn't it. Good to talk to others with small babies and remember that people put carefully curated baby aesthetics out there on social media, but it just isn't real. What is real however is the relationship with your baby that will flourish given time. However you choose to feed, you're doing the right thing. I gave up breastfeeding after about four months which helped me massively, but I have close friends who still bf their one year olds and love it, so just goes to show we're all different! You're doing a great job x

Please don’t worry tiny babies aren’t ‘happy’ as such - some are more content than others due to a range of factors. She will have zero recollection and she will be binding with you but you won’t really see the results of that till 4/5/6 or even 7 months plus. You d find a great job. Please dint worry so much. This time next year she’ll be running about, hugging you and laughing x

Thank you everyone. Some really helpful and supportive comments that I read before going to bed. Just woken on a night feed and do feel a little bit better. Thank you.

That's good, op!

You also mentioned pictures of smiling babies on Facebook - social media doesn't give you the full picture, it can make you miserable comparing your life to a highly edited version of other people's.

Content on social media is interesting because it shows something different from normality. No one posts pictures of their babies have a grumble or screaming their heads off, it doesn't mean it's not how they are a lot of the time.

Don’t be fobbed off by the tongue tie - if you can afford to get it snipped privately. Definitely not too late at your baby’s age.
Keep going back for regular weigh ins with the HV too if you are worried.

Please stop being so hard on yourself you sound like an amazing mum. My first was like this she basically screamed for 6 months wouldn’t sleep and was quite serious I visited 3 different gps all just said that’s how some babies are! She is now a lovely thoughtful studious older teen with lots of friends and we have a lovely relationship - baby days are a distant memory.

My LO had to be born early due to size and was born on the 2nd centile. I still stress about their weight even though they are a child now.

They have always remained skinny, but they did jump up a few centiles when I put them on a feeding plan. We got told to feed every 2 hours and to tickle hands / feet / blow on face to stop them fall asleep and taking a fuller feed.

I had to get LO weighed weekly for the first few months after birth.

I shared pictures of my LO but they weren’t a happy baby. Cried alot and always seemed to be upset, I think they had a lot of gas. They are a super happy lovely child now. Basically I’m saying social media is a lie and I think children come into their own around 1-2 years.

Definitely look at getting the tongue tie snipped privately. It’s not too late!!

you could always look at speaking with a certified lactation consultant. They can give you amazing feeding advice and they might be able to provide a tongue tie assessment. GPs, midwives and health visitors are not trained in tongue tie assessments so you will get differing opinions.

Thanks everyone. Really makes a difference to receive supportive replies. I am feeding every 2 hours in the day, and on demand at night (in reality this is every 1-3 hours anyway!!). I’m going to look at tongue tie consultants and focus on our latch / feed timings even more closely over the next two weeks before our next weigh in. Might get hubby to go re try her on a bottle too so can possibly give her 1 bottle a day if she accepts.

Really glad it sounds like this is working for you and your DD 😊

Oh OP I felt exactly the same as you with similar concerns. My DD went from 50th to 9th (so 2 centiles) but i hadnt realised. I phoned my LA'S feeding helpline and got an appt, they gave me a proper pump to kick start my supply again and I paid for DD to have her (until then undiagnosed and denied) TT cut at about 3.5 months.

Could u afford a private consultation?