How to help husband cope with newborn?

[MrsS93]

Hi,

I have a 3 week old baby who in my mind is a typical newborn. He wakes a lot in the night and feeds for hours, I tend to stay up till 4/5am then my husband takes over.
Over the last couple of nights my husband has been getting more and more stressed with the baby. He says that he doesn't know how to cope if the baby is fed, clean and burped but still crying. He says he isn't bonding with baby and wishes we hadn't had him. He's started saying that the baby has ruined our lives. He misses being able to go to the supermarket when we want, being able to just decide what he wants to do, he misses free time.
Everyone keeps telling us it gets easier but we're really struggling. I got 3 hours sleep last night and it will be worse when my husband goes back to work.
How am I best to tackle all this? I keep telling my husband that it will get easier but this is partly for my benefit as well as his. It feels like we're living hour to hour sometimes. We have family nearby but with baby being so small he can't really be without me just now.

Really sorry, this is a difficult time of huge change and adjustment. Please remember babies don't come with instructions, you just have to figure them out so please be kind to yourselves as new parents- you're doing the best you can. Good luck and hope you all get some sleep

Tbh this worries me a bit, the pushing of his feelings onto your baby who is just being a normal baby,

If your baby is still crying after you've checked off all the possibilities for why, and they aren't showing any signs of being ill, then you just have to hold them and comfort them whilst they cry. We've all been there at some point. You can try a change of scene, try a walk in the pram/sling, or go for a drive. You cope with the crying because you have to.

If you are finding your frustration with the crying rising, then it's ok (and preferable to actually losing your control) to put your baby down in a safe place for a few minutes whilst you take a few breaths and regroup. There are organisations that can offer advice like www.cry-sis.org.uk

You do live hour to hour in the early days. It's about helping each other out, trying not to do competitive tiredness if you can possibly avoid it, and giving yourselves a break.

Tell dh to speak with gp
If this anxiety worsens could be risky
He needs to talk to someone
Maybe your nhs trust does online cbt ?
Has dh had mh issues before? Any sttresses in his life?
Yes things get better but each stage has challenges
He needs to learn ways to manage his anxiety /stress

I've asked DH to speak to someone but he's reluctant, his mum is a midwife and is coming to stay for a night next week so hopefully she can help him a bit.
Part of his problem is that he says he hates seeing me so tired. I've been breastfeeding and expressing milk for DH to give baby bottles at night but baby wants to feed so much that it's exhausting. We have tried formula last night but baby wasn't interested

Try mixing some breast milk with formula.
You are doing exactly the right thing with the 5am handover to DH. Does baby sleep later in the morning? I used to go back to bed with mine at 10am. Then napped in afternoon if they did too. Housework and cooking went to shit but that doesn't matter a bit.
The first few weeks are so hard. It will get better month by month.
Tell him that him stressing about you just adds to your stress. He needs to find ways to cope and talking to his mum would be a good start.

He can feel that way, but he needs to learn appropriate ways to cope without putting the burden on you or blaming your innocent baby.

Expressing, breastfeeding and giving formula is the hardest work option. You have all of the hassle of all of those methods. Breastfeeding is front loaded - it's hardest at the start, you feed frequently and for longer periods of time. As your baby gets older, breastfeeding becomes easier and quicker until it's nothing to think about at all and with no cost, prep, planning or clearing up.

If he wants to help with tiredness he can support you breastfeeding. So he can take charge of other tasks around the house, and help give you a break from your little one by taking them straight after a feed. He can hold baby, go for a walk, etc etc whilst you rest.

Does your husband understand the concept of cluster feeding? It can be a shock for most women let alone men.
He needs to speak to someone to rationalise how long 3 weeks is in the span of someone’s life/ it’s nothing. It’s a tiny amount of time where your soul being is to keep this tiny helpless baby alive.

Does he have any male family members or colleagues that he can talk to? Ex felt a lot better after talking to people at his work. They were able to offer sympathy as well as encouragement that things get better-especially when sleep settles.

I sympathise with the feeling of helplessness when baby is fed/clean/cuddled but he has to try and not take it personally. Has he heard of the Fourth Trimester and how babies need the next 3 months to adjust from going to the dark and snug womb to big wide world? Cuddling a whinging or crying baby sucks. You want to fix it but sometimes there is no solution and you just have to cuddle and cross your fingers that they drift off again. He may feel like he's not making a difference but he is. He needs to persevere for now the way that you are.

It’s a really tough phase, I can totally sympathise. If (and this is a big if!) you can afford it, you could look into a night nanny to help for a few weeks.

I agree with pp - there is potential risk here. Also babies pick up on stress in caregivers and will likely cry more. I think he should see his GP. Also perhaps get someone in to support you while he goes somewhere to sleep, on the understanding that he comes back and gets stuck back in? He needs to spend time with the baby in order to bond, but clearly needs to be in a better state of mind to do that well and safely. There's a high risk of, for example, shaking the baby in the situation you describe.

The 4th trimester is hard, everyone is having to learn a new normal including the baby.

You do just live hour by hour, sleep when you can. Bf'ing is the easiest and quickest way to feed so I'd only be moving to bottles if desperate.

I remember missing the fact that if I wanted an early night, I could just go. I liked going to bed early and reading for a few hours. Now I suddenly couldn't do that and it was the thing that really hit home about how much my life was changed.

You and DH will work out your new normal, you're not even a month into being parents yet.

The beginning can definitely be a struggle for a lot of men (of course for new mums it’s and adjustment too, but hormones play a massive part in bonding etc and men don’t have this) My partner really struggled also, I thought I would leave him at one point. After 3 weeks I got him to phone his friend who has three children under 4 and it really helped him see things from a different, less selfish perspective. Does your husband have a friend or brother with children to call? I think as man’s point of view helps as it is more relatable. Best of luck to you and you’re in the most exhausting part now, it gets easier.

DH previously spoke to some of his colleagues who have young children so I'll say to him to do this again, none of his friends have children which might be adding to his feelings.
I think it's just the overwhelming loss of control that he's suffering with, DH has always been very organised and likes things a certain way. Having to give up control to a baby he can't communicate with is very difficult for him

Every thing seems worse because of the sleep deprivation!

Also do not feel like this is your problem to solve. People say to outsource as much work as possible and I include this as well. Find someone who you can explain things to say you are worried and ask for help. I did this with my husband and he was annoyed but I just pointed that I was on my own knees and that I couldn't help him and myself so I had called up his mum to talk to him because I worried about him.

It's ok to ask for help if it's for you or you partner.

Just concentrate on breastfeeding, and rest in between, expressing and all the faff that goes with it is just making more work. There are plenty of other ways your DH can give you a break or bond with the baby, it doesn’t just have it be feeding. A sling is really good for newborns, they love being warm and snug and can drift off to sleep easily, plus your DH can do other things while they are in there.

Cleaning, cooking etc all need to be done by your husband or outsourced for the first 4-6 weeks after birth so you can recover properly. He should just focus on supporting you for the first few weeks then you can all settle into a new routine once you’ve recovered. Speak to your HV about him, they will be able to advise on counselling etc if necessary. Also babies change so quickly, at this stage it’s the ‘4th trimester’ where they are essentially still a foetus. Once they get to 3 months plus they will start interacting, cooing, smiling etc and DH may find that when he starts to bond more.

I’m not sure if this is outdated now but we were taught a few techniques for soothing newborns. I wonder if this might help him? If you google online you’ll fine videos for soothing newborns but one of the holds I remember is the ‘rugby ball’ hold where you lie the baby on their tummy along your arm, supporting their head. It used to work a treat for DH with our DD. I think having a few tools, so to speak, might help him to regain his feeling of control. Another dad I knew would let the baby suck his (clean) finger, which again would soothe the baby.

Good luck

I would second the suggestion of a sling too, DH used to take DD out to walk the dog and she was happy as Larry in there.

It's so tough. My xDH found it incredibly hard for quite a few months. I was left to cope on my own for much of the time. I wish I had been aware of male post natal depression as looking back now I am pretty much certain this is what was happening. It had a lasting impact on our relationship and also that of my DS with his Dad, who didn't really want to know. I'm not saying these will be issues for your DH too but I have definitely been there and know how hard it is x

Yes definitely get him to speak to someone who has been through it. It’s a massive change for both of you but because of the hormones and our bodies women have that natural ‘on’ switch for caring for a baby whereas for many men it has to be learned behaviour on how to deal with it.

What did you expect, what will happen with the newborn? I'm sorry, but I won't feel safe to leave him alone with the baby. He either needs to get some help from the GP or realise his way of life will change and he needs to be ok with it.
Do you have anyone else who can help around? Family or friends?

Sorry I meant what did HE expect ?

Having to give up control to a baby he can't communicate with is very difficult for him

Yes maybe
The baby communicates to you and him by crying
You communicate back by soothing rocking feeding changing
So he needs to talk to someone if he cannot figure it out himself
You both had a baby it s hard
But he is the adult with capacity to work it out
Just as you are doing
If he cannot he needs to get help (or leave) before he puts baby at risk

that he doesn't know how to cope if the baby is fed, clean and burped but still crying.

Of course YANBU to want to improve matters here. But I've never really got this - I've had 3 DC; at 3 weeks there are v limited things to try; in this situation, I fed (once they've been changed).

They mightn't take much, but they'll suckle & probably sleep, so you can too.

I think DH should be doing pretty much everything else - shopping, cooking, cleaning etc.

But at 3 weeks, putting them to the breast solves most things & that's what I do. Sure you can feel a bit like a human soother but it's not for long & will get you & baba sleep.

And give formula & expressing a skip too - it's so much extra work & at this point can mess with supply & feeding pattern so just keep b/f for now!

He does need to find someway of speaking to someone about his feelings and an outlet.

Just to say, men can also get PND.

www.tommys.org/pregnancy-information/blogs-and-stories/after-birth/tommys-midwives/postnatal-depression-men

Tommy's have some good info on this. It's often under reported by men.

We have a 10 week old DD. It will get better very soon. There is a three week growth spurt which makes things feel very hard but it will end very soon.

By six weeks, it will feel more manageable, and by three months it'll feel better again. Hang in there.