How to help husband cope with newborn?

[MrsS93]

Hi,

I have a 3 week old baby who in my mind is a typical newborn. He wakes a lot in the night and feeds for hours, I tend to stay up till 4/5am then my husband takes over.
Over the last couple of nights my husband has been getting more and more stressed with the baby. He says that he doesn't know how to cope if the baby is fed, clean and burped but still crying. He says he isn't bonding with baby and wishes we hadn't had him. He's started saying that the baby has ruined our lives. He misses being able to go to the supermarket when we want, being able to just decide what he wants to do, he misses free time.
Everyone keeps telling us it gets easier but we're really struggling. I got 3 hours sleep last night and it will be worse when my husband goes back to work.
How am I best to tackle all this? I keep telling my husband that it will get easier but this is partly for my benefit as well as his. It feels like we're living hour to hour sometimes. We have family nearby but with baby being so small he can't really be without me just now.

Thank you for all the support here. Tonight we've had another night of DH shouting that he regrets having the baby and telling me baby has ruined his life. I thought having his mum to stay would help but he seems to act up in front of other people I.e. he cuddles baby and tells everyone how much he loves baby, then when they're gone it's back to how much he hates it all! Tonight he even said he's thought about putting baby up for adoption because he wants his life back. I've asked him to speak to friends or his GP but he just ignores me.
I genuinely do t know how long I can cope juggling baby and the house and trying to appease DH. I feel like I can't tell family what's happening because they'll judge DH and think he's a bad parent

@MrsS93 are you close enough to your Husband's Mum to explain your concerns with her? Perhaps she could help

If breastfeeding is going well I'd just do that and not bother with expressing - it's much easier (unless you really think it's helping you). If DH struggling with baby then perhaps he can help with everything else? Looking after you.

But re DH I think if he's shouting about it you need to tell other people - maybe your HV. Someone who can explain to him how babies work.

I think it can be harder for men to bond - they don't have the same hormonal/giving birth thing. As baby gets older it will get easier.

I know it will get easier as baby gets older but DH doesn't want to hear this, he just knows how he feels in that moment.
I'm going to continue with expressing because at times the only way I can get a shower or go to the shop is if someone else is feeding the baby.
I'm going to ask DH if he'd be happy for me to talk to his mum, I don't want him feeling like I'm going behind his back. I'm worried about telling the health visitor in case they think baby isn't being looked after, I would never hurt baby and neither would DH but when I tried speaking to my midwife about DH possibly having pnd she just started on about domestic violence which isn't the issue

You need to tell your HV and/or midwife. You should also tell your family.

The baby will grow but your husbands behaviour, tired or not, isn’t acceptable and you need the support he isn’t giving you.

*But at 3 weeks, putting them to the breast solves most things & that's what I do. Sure you can feel a bit like a human soother but it's not for long & will get you & baba sleep.

And give formula & expressing a skip too - it's so much extra work & at this point can mess with supply & feeding pattern so just keep b/f for now!*

This is the best advice. You are making things more difficult by trying to express and bottle feed. Just concentrate on establishing breastfeeding. Comfort the baby by breast feeding. Sleep when the baby sleeps. Whatever time of day. Your husband can help by cooking, keeping things ticking over, changing nappies, bathing the baby etc

In the early days with DD1 I definitely felt that I regretted having her and I felt that I'd ruined my life by bringing a baby into it.
I felt completely overwhelmed and like I was drowning in it all but after about 4 weeks, I remember looking at her and feeling that I loved her for the first time.
Before that she was just something that I had to look after because it was the right thing to do, not because I wanted to.
I know now that I was experiencing PND and should've asked for help.

Your DH needs help but if he is refusing to acknowledge this or access it, that's his issue and there's not much you can do.

All you can do right now is get as much support for you and baby as possible.

I promise, things get easier when they start sleeping more. Sleep deprivation is used as a torture method for a reason... it absolutely messes you up so when baby sleeps longer, you will both feel like new people.

I found one thing that really helped was going out to baby groups. There was something so cathartic about sitting with new parents in the thick of it who just got you like no one else in that moment did.

I really hope things improve for you both soon.

Concentrate on your baby
Sadly a lot of partners are good partners but turn out to be poor fathers
The first few months are very hard

I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time. His behaviour is unacceptable, and it’s not your responsibility to appease him. You have enough on your plate. A good partner will recognise that you need support post birth, and take more responsibility around the house. He’s being incredibly self centred.

Please speak to someone OP. Agree with others about breastfeeding, stop with all the other faff. Look up the safe sleep 7 and cosleep - master side lying breastfeeding and you will be a new person.

DH needs to go to the shops and sort everything else.

Baby only wants you. I know it's draining and it's hard being needed so so so much but it does get easier I promise.

Jesus Christ tell him to get a fucking grip, how bloody selfish!! Why is his distress and his feelings the most important thing here what a wanker

Please talk to someone about this, OP. Your husband's reaction isn't normal. It's understandable to be overwhelmed, it's understandable to not have bonded with the baby just yet and even to say something that you regret later, but regularly shouting that he hates his baby and wants to put it up for adoption is not normal. He's abusing your vulnerable state right now. Please don't cover for him. He needs help if he's ever to become a supportive partner and father. And you need help to deal with this situation, please don't take it all upon yourself.

I just want to emphasis that the shouting and mad ideas about adoption are really not normal. You shouldn't be worrying about appeasing him as well as looking after baby and yourself. He can't put the baby up for adoption, that's a nonsense, as you'd have to agree to it too!

You need to talk to someone about this, whether that's his mum, your HV or someone else.

Your job at the moment is to eat, sleep and feed your baby on demand. Adding in expressing, sterilising bottles and making formula just creates stress, adds more work and compromises your milk supply.
His job is to shop, cook, wash up, put the washing machine on and mind the baby while you go to the loo, have a shower.
Anything else is an optional extra at this point, if he is on leave from work.

How was he before baby arrived? Excited? Close-lipped about it? That's quite important to understand to get the bigger picture. Also, did you talk about expectations beforehand? I think a lot of guys really aren't prepared for the upheaval. I'm lucky that my DH has a much younger sibling who arrived when he was in his teens so he actually knew more about that stage than I did.

I also think you should speak to HV and dh should speak to his mum - he needs to speak to someone close who isn't sleep deprived and so it's less likely to descend into an argument. Ours were fairly good sleepers but dh and I still had some doozies of arguments on bad nights.

I don't think it's unusual for new fathers to feel helpless and like they can't bond with a newborn. Yelling about adoption is not normal though. I'd tell his mum anyway tbh.

On a practical level:

If you have the space, suggest DH sleeps in one room and you and the baby in a different room. You'll probably all get more sleep that way. I found that if you are bf there's not much point trying to share the night wakings, especially early on.

Agree with pp that if baby is feeding well and gaining weight, don't faff about with expressing and bottles. Baby wants you I'm afraid, if they are still crying after a feed, I'd always just try feeding again as the first option at that age.

It's really really early days, hang in there.

It's three weeks. He needs to get a grip of his life- things will improve but three weeks is nothing! You wouldn't expect to be amazing at a new job in just three weeks! I'm all for talking about mental health but I also think a bit of tough love is necessary here. Get his mum on the case.

Honestly OP I'd be tempted to ask him to stay at his mums for a few nights.

Baby is being a normal baby. All they do is East, sleep, cry, poo. You're making work harder for yourself by expressing ad boob solved all at this age and cluster feeding is really important if you want to BF. You don't need to express to be able to have shower at all.

Read up on the 4th trimester. Baby doesn't know night from day at this stage and won't for a while yet. It's normal for them to want to be close to you and not settle unless held etc. Invest in a wrap sling.

At this stage your baby needs to be near you. To be able to smell you, hear your voice, hear your heart beat. Not being able to have those things makes your baby upset. It is normal. Did your DH read anything about having a baby while you were pregnant? Did he talk to his mum about what to expect?

Ask him to get help. He needs to be assessed for pnd and learn about normal baby/ child development. Ask him to cover house/ cooking etc whilst you sort baby for now. Cluster feeding is soooo hard but it gets better. Slings are great if you/ he can use one.

Please don't do what I did and end up doing everything and try to help him cope with the baby. Your job is you and baby. Can his mum support you for a bit?

My husband (ex) was like this and I was too scared to leave him with baby until 4ish in the end. He was better when older but the control thing is a concern as my husband struggled again once kids started pushing boundaries+answering back. Hence why he's an ex......

Oh my Oh was similar in a way it was such a culture shock for him.
He is a brilliant day and husband BTW and it just took some time for him to come to terms with being a parent.
I think its harder in some ways for dad's as mum's have 9 months to prepare mentally and bond with baby.
What we found that helped was setting aside time in the week where he can go do normal stuff like the gym. He goes 3 times a week and I get the same amount of downtime.
Also our baby starting going through the witching hour which mean lot she cried sore for about 1or 2 hours around 5pm. She turned out to be windy and overtired so infacol and a walk in the pram or drive in the car helped.

As for your husband, have you any parenting groups like sure start or similar that you can contact and ask for any dad parent groups so they can discuss their own issues /problems.
It's hard as well because they don't want to share their problems or worries because they want to be there for you which can often make it worse.
It will get better I promise.

I agree, his reaction is not normal, and a bit worrying. His stress will deffo be felt by the baby, who, at this stage, pretty much just needs you.

You need to concentrate on you and baby. Stay in bed, as much naked skin on skin as possible, just take it easy.

Get him to go out and do the shopping. Load the dishwasher. Cook..? Even just make you a stack of nice sandwiches you can just grab whenever.

MAYBE he could take the baby out for a short walk locally IF it isn't too much hassle to get out of the house (stairs etc... just wrestling a coat on a newborn is stressful tbf)... then you can grab a shower - but honestly, if you can't shower as often it really doesn't matter.

Also agree with ditching the expressing. It's not actually great for establishing breastfeeding most quickly and easily - which is the one single thing that will make all the difference to your life! Agree with persevering trying to master side-lying breastfeeding: life-changing (n I didn't master it till my 5th).

I agree with trying DH sleeping in a different room. Even a different house, if there was anyone else who could come and help you out a bit (not necessarily overnight).

I'd come and give you a hand if I could! (Am actually considering becoming a post-natal doula once I'm done with mine.) Whereabouts are you? Lots of hugs. This too shall pass.

How is he doing now?

I still think it's significant how he was before baby arrived - if he was really excited and happy, then it's just an adjustment issue perhaps. If he was not being particularly enthusiastic there's maybe a bigger problem here.

It's normal for newborns mine use to wake up every hour during the night. It gets better he was sleeping all night by 6 months.As for Your husband well the HV is right to speak to you about domestic violence. If he's thinking of putting the baby up for adopting he might harm him don't leave the baby with him. He need to go and live with his mother...... maybe think about divorcing him

There’s a quote from King Lear that helped me a lot when my babies were crying for no reason. “When we are born, we cry that we are come to this great stage of fools”. It’s just the human condition. It can’t necessarily be fixed (once you’ve checked for pain, nappy, hungry etc!)