Huge social services anxiety, can anyone help? im not ok

[lottiesl]

When pregnant my partner left me and I’ve gone from a competent, career driven and confident woman to feeling totally stigmatised and paranoid. I’m aware I need to go to therapy for this and I’m starting it soon.

But one thing I am NOT coping with at all is worrying about social services. For starters I feel like I’m being watched by the NHS/any medical staff as a result of being on antidepressants in my third trimester (when my partner left). I was a mess and there were various GP appointments where I was breaking down and had to have time off work. None of this was ‘me’ in a typical sense, I was just absolutely broken by my now ex partner. He has never even been in touch about our child and so child maintenance have also been involved.

All of this has made me think everyone think I am not coping. Strangely, I have coped fine with dd since she arrived, it’s just mentally I have these horrible thoughts. Examples…

on the way to meet a friend for lunch I remembered I had left a dirty (wee) nappy on the floor in the dining room where I had changed dc before we left. I actually cancelled lunch to drive back as I worried someone may be sent round to peer into windows and the place would be deemed unhealthy and social services called. I did the same thing the following week when I worried there was lots of washing up that hadn’t been done.

Recently I had to take dd to a and e because of her breathing. She was fine but in the assessment they asked if anyone else had parental responsibility. Ex is obviously not on the birth certificate as he vanished so I had to say no. I was worried that it’s been flagged I am not coping alone as I took her in for her breathing (she was given some nasal treatment)

when I go shopping I panic about whether to put dd in the car first or after I’ve put the shopping in the car. Either way round I do it I worry someone is watching and thinking I am being neglectful. I rush to put the trolley back as she’s left in the car for 10 seconds alone and I worry someone will report that. I can’t get petrol without taking her in to pay as I panic someone will report me for leaving her in the car. This has often led to huge tears from her being woken up so sometimes i chose to stay in to avoid it.

the final thing yesterday was that the gp said it was ok for me to decide to buy over the counter teething gel and to use it even if it says 6 months plus, as she is four months and it’s up to me, that’s just recommended use. I asked my mum to pick it up from the pharmacy and apparently the pharmacist said to tell me to be careful as it’s for 6 months plus. I am now obsessing over this comment, will they report me?

I never ever used to have such low confidence and in the past I would have had the mindset that if anyone said something to me I would be fine to defend myself as I am a cautious and careful person. My confidence is crushed though and I feel judged all the time. I am so worried about the pharmacist comment and keep looking at my phone wondering if I will be called by social services, same when the post arrives. Can anyone help me please.

Sounds like you are doing great but have some anxiety as your concerns are irrational. Try CBT and self soothing. Sorry for your challenges. Hope you find yourself again.

@Carddeclined thanks for replying. What do you think about the pharmacist comment? Will they get in touch with someone?

Hey OP.

It sounds like you're doing brilliant and I'm so sorry you're feeling like this.

Funnily enough I had similar thoughts when my baby was born. I used to worry myself sick that social services would come and take him away, I'd worry that my neighbours would send their doorbell footage of him been left in the car (whilst I got the bags from the doorstep) to social services, I'd worry that if I went 31 in a 30 zone that I'd get pulled over and they'd take him away because I was speeding ect. And I had to touch wood about 100 times a day because I thought that if I didn't then something bad would happen. I still have the same thoughts now but not to the same extent. I haven't been to the doctor because I worry that if I do.... they'll take my child away.

If it makes you feel slightly better, my dad used to work alongside social services and assures me that this would absolutely not happen. I'm so sorry you feel this way xx

You are doing fine. None of what you describe will get you any interest from children's services.
But you do sound like you have anxiety which probably needs some support.
Your HV can help with this, and no they will absolutely not judge you for the odd nappy on the floor.
Anxiety is a symptom of post natal depression and help is available but you do need to ask for it.

Oh sweetheart any social worker would see you are doing a fab job. Have you close friends of family you can confide in?

This will pass be kind to yourself and maybe talk to your GP who will be able to reassure you.

Keep posting for Virtual hand holding xx

It sounds like you are doing a brilliant job of caring for a newborn on your own. If social services went looking through the windows of all the mums who are on anti depressants they would never have time to do anything else. The types of worries you are having are because you are a good mum. Even if you were very poorly they would do everything they could to keep you and the baby together. There are hospitals where mums can bring their baby for mental health treatment.

I don’t think you will need anything like that level of support. Recognising that there is no evidence for your fears might help. You are the last person social services would be interested in.

You sound like a great mum. They absolutely won't take your child from you over a bit of washing up etc, absolutely not.

Re the paying for petrol, I used to do the same because I worried someone would steal my child from the car when I went to pay. So I started using garages where you could pay at the pump. Are there any of those near you?

Oh bless you. You are doing wonderfully and are obviously a caring mum. Your expartner has knocked your confidence and self esteem. You need to keep on reminding yourself that you've got this!! Maybe it would help to access counselling? Hope things improve for you ❤️

How is your relationship with your Mum OP? Do you reckon you would be able to talk to her about this? Or maybe someone else in real life. I suffered from postnatal OCD so I also used to get awful intrusive thoughts. It really helped to speak to someone in real life before braving it to the GP. I found CBT very helpful and I am happy to say that the worst of it was gone before my children turned 1 year old (I did get it after both DCs unfortunately). Good luck OP.

It sounds like you are doing just fine caring for your baby girl.

You're obviously feeling vulnerable and that's understandable. The therapy will hopefully make you feel calmer.

You really have no need to worry.

You're clearly a very loving and caring mother, and I'm sure that everyone around you sees that you are meeting your daughter's needs. Your ex's crap behaviour is his problem, and your dd is lucky to have a mum who has stepped up and is working so hard.

Even if any of what you'd said was a problem (which it isn't!), the threshold for social services involvement is - sadly - extremely high. Even where they are involved, it is incredibly rare for children to be taken out of their parents' care. To put it in perspective, there are parents on methadone, parents with hoarding behaviours, parents who have in the past been violent to each other who still have their children living with them. My relative - who is a wonderful mother - had post partum psychosis and even at that extreme level, the lovely mental health team she worked with helped to make sure sure she could be with her baby throughout.

What is an issue is that your anxiety is out of control and as you said, you need help. Do you have a trusted GP who helped when you needed the antidepressants? Or a midwife or nurse? Please go to them. It's very common to have anxiety with a new baby, they have seen it many times before and as a mother in the first year post birth you will go to the front of many queues for help, because they recognise how important it is for both you and your baby that you're having fun together, not crying in the house because you're scared to go out. You can do this, and you and she deserve this.

Sounds like intrusive thoughts.
Really very very common and often kicked off with hormones and pregnancy.

Have a read up about this and how to deal with them. Lots and lots of wonderful parents have dealt with this Op, all will be well.

Sounds like classic post natal anxiety with intrusive thoughts. Had it twice. Was under Peri Natal Psych both times. Never had a Social Worker come round or even call.

I suffered from postpartum anxiety. The kinds of things you are posting about are the kinds of things I would worry about. Medication that was safe for breastfeeding was sufficient to help me deal with the problem. My GP was able to get me set up with that. Cbt can also really help.

lottiesl
Your hormones are all over the place because of the birth, on top of your being cruelly abandoned by a selfish inadequate partner. You will get back to being your old coping competent self in time, with a bit a sensible support.
The pharmacist won't report you because there is nothing to report: someone unknown bought some teething gel and the pharmacist gave them a rote warning as they have to. The GP told you it was OK, and is supporting you.
Deep breathing helps far more than people expect when irrational anxiety hits. Don't ask anything more of yourself than looking after the two of you. You're doing well to manage this much, mostly on your own. Ask for what you need and let them see that their reassurance helps you - your parents must be furious with your ex too. If anyone asks again, tell them your parents are being wonderful. Lots of love.

In the kindest possible way, these are really irrational fears. It sounds like your anxiety is running rampant right now. And that's totally normal to happen in the first year post partum. Your life has drastically changed.

Help is available. Please speak to your HV or GP about your anxiety. Don't be embarrassed about it - thousands of women go through this.

Caring for a baby does get easier as baby gets bigger. And you get better at it.

Sending hugs

Social services aren’t interested in good parents who make good choices - changing nappies, buying teething gel, using a and e, buying petrol or food etc. You’re in this category.

Social services aren’t interested in average parents making average decisions - leaving nappies too long, shouting at their kids, living in a messy house, forgetting to buy nappies or wipes occasionally.

Social services aren’t interested in poor parents making poor decisions - adult tv all day, not putting kids first, poor decision making, drink and cigarettes. When they come across these situations they might provide help and support or might not but they don’t remove.

Social services are interested in dangerous parents causing harm to their children - physical abuse, sexual abuse, sustained emotional abuse, life threatening living conditions, inability to keep children safe. You are definitely not in this category.

Social services are extremely positive about parents who help themselves (eg taking antidepressants) and help their children (eg attending a and e).

I know it’s hard to read posts like this on the internet and believe them when you’re anxious but your concerns are coming from a place of anxiety rather than a balanced view. Could you ask the doctor for some support with the anxiety?

You’re doing great x

I guarantee the pharmacist won't alert anyone. GPs override pharmacists all the time.

You're doing nothing wrong OP.

With my first child I was depressed and on antidepressants and felt similar to you and saying to my DP I didn’t want SS to take the baby away. Now many years later with my second child and no depression I am more carefree in leaving her in the car to get petrol or to put the trolley back. I honestly don’t care if people judge me as I know I’m a good mum and you should know you are too even if you don’t feel it yet.

The pharmacist won’t report you.

FWIW we had year of social services involvement because my eldest is severely disabled. The house was always a bit untidy (3 kids, one severely disabled) & social services just wrote in their assessment that it was ‘child centred’ 😃 They can worry about houses that are too tidy!

You do sound very anxious and seeking some support would be good. It is common for anxiety to increase when becoming a mother (a horse riding instructor taught me that, apparently women often change the horses they like to ride when they become mothers as they want more bombproof ones - rather anecdotal but…). However it sounds as if your level of anxiety is interfering with your daily life so definitely talk to your GP and seek support now.

The pharmacist is just reading out the label , because that’s his job, he’s supposed to tell you in case you can’t read or can’t be bothered to read it. It’s the same whenever you buy paracetamol, they have to ask you ‘ have you taken this before?’ (my OH is 76, and they still ask him this every time he buys it, though I suppose it’s possible they think he is too old to be sensible😠). I Guess if you were dim enough to say no, they would read that out , too. They have to tell you what’s on the label, in case when you decide to swallow the foot cream instead of rubbing it on your feet, you say it was their fault.

I suspect they can’t remember their customers two minutes after they walk out of the door, though I dare say there are many totally engaged pharmacists who will be piling on me within five minutes for suggesting such a thing.

you’ll be fine, honestly. No one is after you. Good luck.

Oh I feel for you! I had PND twice, the first time I was referred to SW as having low mood and thoughts of self-harm/harm to baby….seen probably twice for a nice chat then discharged. Second time around I left my baby behind in the pre-school when I was dropping my eldest off - follow up check and that was it. There is a really high bar for social services to be doing more! You are doing exactly the right thing in getting help, support is vital so take what you can get and realise that the thoughts you are having are part of the illness. I found a group for PND mothers via health visitor and did some other groups via the children’s centre…it’s really helpful to meet other mums in the same position as you.

I can remember feeling exactly like this when my daughter was teeny.

at that time my sister in law was actually studying to become a social worker! She did tell me that good Mum’s worry. The mums that don’t worry about things and that are seriously living in squalor are more of a concern!

gentle hugs to you, you will find your groove with it all.

First in, last out is what we applied to our child. There isn’t a complete fail safe ‘what if’ answer, but ours seemed more likely to keep him safe.
Try to relax and enjoy your babe.

I'm a social worker.... and also a mum who was on antidepressants through both pregnancies and beyond. I have had to take both kids to A&E at times, at times my house has been a tip as I've been busy and exhausted, at times I've left wet nappies and clothes out because I've been distracted. All of those things are completely and utterly normal.

After DD was born I had high anxiety and lots of ocd tendencies and intrusive thoughts. I did a cbt course and my antidepressants were increased to help me through.

Please don't worry, you sound like a great mum who cares very much and makes good choices. Its absolutely fine and normal not to be perfect.