Huge social services anxiety, can anyone help? im not ok

[lottiesl]

When pregnant my partner left me and I’ve gone from a competent, career driven and confident woman to feeling totally stigmatised and paranoid. I’m aware I need to go to therapy for this and I’m starting it soon.

But one thing I am NOT coping with at all is worrying about social services. For starters I feel like I’m being watched by the NHS/any medical staff as a result of being on antidepressants in my third trimester (when my partner left). I was a mess and there were various GP appointments where I was breaking down and had to have time off work. None of this was ‘me’ in a typical sense, I was just absolutely broken by my now ex partner. He has never even been in touch about our child and so child maintenance have also been involved.

All of this has made me think everyone think I am not coping. Strangely, I have coped fine with dd since she arrived, it’s just mentally I have these horrible thoughts. Examples…

on the way to meet a friend for lunch I remembered I had left a dirty (wee) nappy on the floor in the dining room where I had changed dc before we left. I actually cancelled lunch to drive back as I worried someone may be sent round to peer into windows and the place would be deemed unhealthy and social services called. I did the same thing the following week when I worried there was lots of washing up that hadn’t been done.

Recently I had to take dd to a and e because of her breathing. She was fine but in the assessment they asked if anyone else had parental responsibility. Ex is obviously not on the birth certificate as he vanished so I had to say no. I was worried that it’s been flagged I am not coping alone as I took her in for her breathing (she was given some nasal treatment)

when I go shopping I panic about whether to put dd in the car first or after I’ve put the shopping in the car. Either way round I do it I worry someone is watching and thinking I am being neglectful. I rush to put the trolley back as she’s left in the car for 10 seconds alone and I worry someone will report that. I can’t get petrol without taking her in to pay as I panic someone will report me for leaving her in the car. This has often led to huge tears from her being woken up so sometimes i chose to stay in to avoid it.

the final thing yesterday was that the gp said it was ok for me to decide to buy over the counter teething gel and to use it even if it says 6 months plus, as she is four months and it’s up to me, that’s just recommended use. I asked my mum to pick it up from the pharmacy and apparently the pharmacist said to tell me to be careful as it’s for 6 months plus. I am now obsessing over this comment, will they report me?

I never ever used to have such low confidence and in the past I would have had the mindset that if anyone said something to me I would be fine to defend myself as I am a cautious and careful person. My confidence is crushed though and I feel judged all the time. I am so worried about the pharmacist comment and keep looking at my phone wondering if I will be called by social services, same when the post arrives. Can anyone help me please.

Hi OP
I am a midwife and a Mum, and in my professional capacity I liaise with children’s services and other safeguarding professionals regularly in my role. I promise you, NONE of the things you mention are anywhere near enough to warrant children’s services involvement. You’re a good Mum to your baby :)

Also, if it helped to hear, when CS do get involved in a case, in my experience it’s very rare they go so far as to remove a child as they only do so in the very extreme circumstances where the child would be safer in the care of someone else rather than the parents. And that absolutely is NOT the case, based on your post!

Rest assured, CS have a huge workload of genuine cases that actually do need their involvement, and from what you say in your post, I can’t see any reason at all for you to worry.

If you don’t mind me saying, please do reach out for support from your GP with regards to your anxiety if it continues or is impacting your daily life, as they will be able to signpost you to support- again, none of which will be viewed as a black mark against your parenting ability!

You have my complete empathy regarding being a single parent- take each day one at a time, and keep reminding yourself that you are a strong and capable parent for your child. And ask for help and support when you need!

Take care :)

Wow thank you all so much. I’m in tears reading these. I really am grateful.

Part of the panic I have is that I feel automatically judged as a single parent. Add to this that my ex partner is in a VERY highly respected job. I expect most people would find it unfathomable that he would abandon me pregnant and not even meet his dd. I presume everyone involved such as child maintenance etc must assume I’m the problem as his job is just something you would never associate with someone doing what he’s done. I therefore feel always like I’m painted in a bad light no matter what I do. When it all happened in my pregnancy I gave the gp lots of detail as I was so devastated and his role and what he does is certainly there for all to see. I feel mocked and like everyone must think I am terrible for him not to be around.

@rosetintedspectacles thank you. What do you think to the pharmacist comment? Still obsessing over that one!!!

Re the pharmacist comment- doctors have the professional license to recommend/prescribe medication outside of the instructions/dose on the box. The pharmacist’s job is just to make you aware of the written guidelines on the medication. Your GP says it’s fine, and it’s fine, and also with all the love and respect in the world- the pharmacist will have gone home to their dinner at the end of their day and not given you or your baby’s gums a second thought! 😘

Oh and just in case it helps, I found the Anbesol liquid better than any other teething gel. It's in a tiny little bottle and the liquid doesn't slide off the gum in the way that gel does.

There is another thread on here about social services - it is really hard for SS to take kids away from their families, and no, the pharmacist, therapist, GP are not all watching you to see you are not coping. I think it sounds like your anxiety has really gone up a notch or 100, and you are constantly overthinking. CBT should be able to help you with that. Sending you a hug, you sound like you are in a rough spot and second guessing yourself all the time. I think you sound like you are coping well, just need to get some help with your over thinking.

God I was like this after my 3rd. I couldn't sleep either constantly going over and over things people would judge me for. I had postnatal anxiety also my thyroid was hyper active which didn't help at all.

You sound like you're doing amazing though.

I’m a midwife, please have a look at this www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/postnatal-depression-and-perinatal-mental-health/perinatal-ocd/
You are doing a great job and nothing in your post would be of concern to social services but with the right support you could feel so much better and enjoy being a new mum.

Retired pharmacist here. No, they won't even think about reporting you. As PP said, ther job is to make you aware about teething gel marketing authorisation restrictions. Also, if it was a really inappropriate purchase, they would have refused the sale.
A&E question is routine, don't worry about it- they won't.
You are coping really well, but in an awful situation with your Ex. Please accept any help offered.

From a child protection position, absolutely none of those things are things that we would be concerned about in the slightest- you sound like you're doing an amazing job!

However- and don't be scared to do this as it will absolutely NOT be held against you- what is clear is that you need some mental health support.

As I say, this would NOT be held against you- in fact, reaching out for help when you need it is something we would consider to be a protective factor, so a good thing!

Please speak to your gp, health visitor, or even self refer if you have that in your area. You need it, and more than anything else- your baby needs you xxx

Google post natal ocd. Get in touch with a doctor, they won’t take your baby but you do need the correct treatment and support

No the pharmacist will not phone social services. You are doing great. I think the worries that all parents have occasionally sound like they have become magnified for you.

I’m a single parent too - my ex left before my youngest was 1 - and I worried a bit about what people would think.

He’s 5 now and I don’t worry about it at all now - no one is ever even that interested, loads of people are single parents, and when they do comment it’s usually things like “your ex must be a dick”

The pharmacist is obliged to repeat this to everyone who buys it for a child <6 months. It wasn't about you; he's probably said it 5 times this week.

A wet nappy and dirty dishes are not a cause of concern for social care.

Getting mental health help puts you in a good light, not a bad one. You're a responsible woman who can be trusted to seek support when you need it.

You're not responsible for your baby's dad's failures, and it is extremely unlikely that anyone but him will blame you for them.

Nothing you've said is of any objective concern whatsoever.

I hope you feel better soon.

Unfortunately lots of men in highly respected jobs behave terribly to their own families (and some women too). In my extended family there is a high profile mental health professional who apparently does a lot of good for her patients, but whose own children have chosen to be raised primarily by their (unrelated) step father.

People can see this. To flip it a way you might find it easier to see - would you ever think of anyone saying 'Ooh, little Betty's dad is a paediatrician and he wants nothing to do with her. She must be a terrible child!' Of course not, it would be his problem.

If anything it will make people even less impressed with him - to be in a respected job but choose to have nothing to do with his child at such a young age, you and your baby both come out of this as totally innocent.