Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

14 month old suddenly hates Grandpa???

64 replies

goodmorningsunny · 23/02/2023 10:41

I am so lucky that my Dad is able to take DD while I'm at work. She was fine for the first month going to grandpa, completely thriving. In the last week, she has started refusing to go in the house when we arrive and will scream from the moment we drop her off until the moment I pick her up. My poor dad has tried everything, even resorting to putting on her favourite TV show but nothing helps. She just screams and screams all day and refuses to do anything for him. It's making me wonder what is happening there that makes her hate it so much!!!

What could have brought this on so suddenly? Is this common or should I be concerned? I don't know what to think.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
Gwen82 · 23/02/2023 11:19

You may be “lucky” op

your baby sure as hell isn’t though

Quitelikeit · 23/02/2023 11:22

Reading this makes me feel very uncomfortable. I can’t put my finger on why

I understand you have to work but I’m not sure I could continue to leave my child under these circumstances.

Slinkyminky22 · 23/02/2023 11:22

This thread has made me feel so sad :(
Poor baby.
You need to give yourself a shake OP.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1 year olds Behaviour & development Families General parenting
SalviaOfficinalis · 23/02/2023 11:25

I would also be questioning why he wants to keep having her every day if she’s so unhappy.

It’s very unpleasant being around a screaming baby, which is why generally you do everything you can to comfort/entertain them.

Chimna · 23/02/2023 11:32

OP as a parent you have a duty of care to your child. It's your responsibility to keep her safe. You can't leave her there anymore, you need to find an alternative.

HVPRN · 23/02/2023 11:38

@goodmorningsunny based in every one's responses, I suggest you take a couple of days AL or dependant sick leave (you said she is screaming all day and teething), see how she is with you and let her calm down, and book at least 2 days in at a nursery or childminder, where it is their job to entertain, snuggle and follow your routine as best they can. Then, go from there. Tell your dad you are sending her as she need to socialise/be around other children.

Added info; Awesome to see you're still BF. And with teething, she may want to feed more but you're not there..so she will scream because molar teeth are the most painful, and I'm presuming she BF through cutting her other teeth. Check her mouth to rule this out.
But defo have a few AL so you can think clearly and comfort her while making your decisions, because crying without a break all day, is excessive and worrying.

anomaly23 · 23/02/2023 11:40

Everyday?

You need nursery and you need to find a way to afford it.

SchoolTripDrama · 23/02/2023 11:52

YesYou · 23/02/2023 11:17

"I am so lucky that my Dad is able to take DD while I'm at work."

I am so lucky that I can send my daughter to be hurt and neglected every single day just to save a few quid. If the guilt gets to me I'll post on MN and tell everyone how much I care and how much better I am than my dad when I look after her.

THIS

ReallyShouldBeDoingSomethingElse · 23/02/2023 11:56

Your DD is likely distressed at going to grandpa's because she associates it with you leaving her for hours on end on consecutive days.

I'd really question as well the wisdom of expecting a grandparent to do five full days of childcare. That's too much and of course he leaves her to it sometimes and gets on with other things if she's there that much of the time.

I'm a single parent on a low income and could afford nursery fairly easily because the government will pay a substantial chunk of the cost if your income is that low (even before the free hours kick in).

ednatheevilwitch · 23/02/2023 11:58

Nope. Find other childcare. Your baby deserves way better.

MissMaple82 · 23/02/2023 11:58

It's a classic age for separation anxiety. I doubt very much she screams the entiraty.

PenguinLove1 · 23/02/2023 12:10

ReallyShouldBeDoingSomethingElse · 23/02/2023 11:56

Your DD is likely distressed at going to grandpa's because she associates it with you leaving her for hours on end on consecutive days.

I'd really question as well the wisdom of expecting a grandparent to do five full days of childcare. That's too much and of course he leaves her to it sometimes and gets on with other things if she's there that much of the time.

I'm a single parent on a low income and could afford nursery fairly easily because the government will pay a substantial chunk of the cost if your income is that low (even before the free hours kick in).

This!

For the first month it was new for her and she wouldn't have expected it to happen all the time. Now she will have realised that this is her new normal and she is left there every day and she is telling you she doesn't like it!

Now what you need to decide is- is this the best and safest place for her to be, and if it is what can you do to help her settle and feel happier there, or if that isnt the best place for her then look for alternatives.

5 long days is a lot to expect of someone and your dad may also be struggling and therefore not doing his best with her too?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 23/02/2023 12:33

Apart from all the other issues this is what would concern me
I do sometimes get the sense that he sort of leaves her to it and gets on with what he's doing (obviously keeping her mostly safe, as no serious harm has come to her), few bumps from climbing up and down furniture etc.

I had VERY active toddlers and if I thought a childminder was "leaving them to it" at 14 months old, to the extent that they climb up and down furniture and have had "a few" bumps from this. I would sack them and find alternative child care.

This is because she's had "bumps" yet this has been allowed to repeat. Its' passed of as just normal. Yes toddlers do occasionally bump into things but this shouldn't just be shrugged off if it happens regularly.
Toddlers don't have any safety awareness built in. Very active ones need to have your eye on them all the time and nip in when it looks like they might hurt themselves.

If your Dad is still carrying on "leaving her to it" and minimising this, that is not looking after her adequately. That is going about his daily business expecting a 14-month-old to entertain and keep herself safe whilst he does chores.

My very active toddlers would have been stir crazy in a place like that. They needed regular exercise, play, reading, interactions etc. I can clearly remember the amount of times I had to step in, in the nick of time, so that they didn't hurt themselves and that means being present and making keeping a close eye on them. That is why so many parents complain of their house being a mess when they have small children - because there is literally less time for chores when you are supervising them Climbing furniture whist being left to get on with things is a sure sign that she is not being properly supervised.

The current set up with an adult who "leaves them to it" is lonely for the child and lacks stimulation - just at the point when they are exploring and need it the most. Looking after children is a hard full-time job.
You need someone who will focus on your DD , keep her safe and happy and its very clear your dad is not suited or equipped to be an 8-5 x 5 day-a week carer for her on his own. That's what nurseries are for.

Please contact Maternity Alliance or similar for advice on how you can get tax relief on childcare or other childcare costs refunded. It may be more affordable than you think.

BellatrixLestrangesHeatedCurlers · 23/02/2023 12:39

OP you seem weirdly relaxed about this.

Motnight · 23/02/2023 12:44

You are happy leaving your baby with an adult who keeps her 'mostly safe'?

I hope that this isn't real

Mummyof287 · 23/02/2023 20:30

ReallyShouldBeDoingSomethingElse · 23/02/2023 11:56

Your DD is likely distressed at going to grandpa's because she associates it with you leaving her for hours on end on consecutive days.

I'd really question as well the wisdom of expecting a grandparent to do five full days of childcare. That's too much and of course he leaves her to it sometimes and gets on with other things if she's there that much of the time.

I'm a single parent on a low income and could afford nursery fairly easily because the government will pay a substantial chunk of the cost if your income is that low (even before the free hours kick in).

Jeez, I missed the part stating she is there 5 full days a week! That is too much for a child to be away from their primary caregiver at 14months old even in a good childcare setting which it sounds like this arrangement definitely isn't! Can you not work part time OP and top up with benefits til she is older?

PurpleParrots · 24/02/2023 01:59

Honestly, I wouldn’t want to spend 5 days a week with a screaming child. Why are you expecting your dad to be happy with this arrangement? Doesn’t he have a life outside childcare??

Nursery sounds a better fit for your child and your dad tbh

ladydimitrescu · 24/02/2023 02:59

What?! You know she's screaming constantly, she's only "mostly safe", and you're leaving her there from 8-5, 5 days a week?!
What the bloody hell are you thinking - do you really need to ask if this is ok? No, of course if isn't, it's neglect. Get her out of there and into suitable childcare.

abmac95 · 24/02/2023 03:21

BEFORE WE ALL START HAVING A GO AT THE OP have we thought about things such as -

separation anxiety
pets at GP's house that DC is afraid of
dosen't like the food he gives
is the house cold or too warm?
is there anyone else at the house that could be causing in issue i.e a cousin who picks on her?
does she normally cry often

abmac95 · 24/02/2023 03:23

Mummyof287 · 23/02/2023 20:30

Jeez, I missed the part stating she is there 5 full days a week! That is too much for a child to be away from their primary caregiver at 14months old even in a good childcare setting which it sounds like this arrangement definitely isn't! Can you not work part time OP and top up with benefits til she is older?

Show quote history

plenty of mums work 5 days (through choice and/or necessity) when their kids is 14 months. what a priveleged view!

PatchworkElmer · 24/02/2023 03:28

I also think you need to find a way to get her out of there.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 24/02/2023 03:32

Mummyof287 · 23/02/2023 20:30

Jeez, I missed the part stating she is there 5 full days a week! That is too much for a child to be away from their primary caregiver at 14months old even in a good childcare setting which it sounds like this arrangement definitely isn't! Can you not work part time OP and top up with benefits til she is older?

Show quote history

Are you actually for real?

Mojoyoyo · 24/02/2023 03:43

If she really is crying all day you risk her becoming psychologically damaged.

Could be your dad can’t cope? 5 days a week is a lot for a grandparent. Surely he’s got his own life too?

Just a thought, but could he be FaceTiming you at a time your dc is crying then claiming she’s like that all day?

A discreet camera might tell you more if you’re worried but can’t put your finger on it.

Ultimately though, I think you need to look into nursery for your dc.Better for child and better for your dad.
Citizens Advice might be able to help.

Mariposa26 · 24/02/2023 05:13

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 24/02/2023 03:32

Are you actually for real?

Show quote history

I thought this too! Almost everyone I know has their child in full time childcare as they need to work full time. This arrangement sounds terrible for the poor child though - the little thing must be so lonely being “left to it” every day.

bluebirdyville · 24/02/2023 06:20

All these people suggesting throw the towel in at work and go on benefits. It's not that easy. Housing costs alone in the south can prohibit this. Because obviously every mother wants to work 5 day weeks and leave their baby screaming.

OP I would leave a nanny cam and see if anything's really wrong then go from there.
I also wouldn't show my face on FaceTime because dc can sometime then get more distressed realising you're still not back. Not all dc but in this case seems to be that way.
I would definitely look at if you could cut naval on anything to allow your dc to go to nursery at least a couple of days a week too. It helps for when they start school anyway especially if your dad isn't really engaging that much.