4-year-old Wants "Alone Time"

[LettieRose]

I have 3 daughters--4y, 2y, and 3 months. Life is crazy, and the baby isn't sleeping through the night yet. I came out of the baby's room today to find that 4y had gone into my bedroom and locked the door, then gone into the bathroom beyond that and locked that door too, leaving 2y screaming and pounding on the outer door for her sister. When I finally got 4y out and convinced her to tell me why she had done this, she told me she wanted alone time from 2y.

As I'm the oldest of 5 in my family, I get this. Even as a mom, I'll resort to locking myself on my room for 10 minutes of "alone time." I want to help her. But 4y and 2y share a bedroom. Any advice for setting up a place so she can get a breather? Do I let her set up a place in my bedroom, or is there something I can do to give her space in her shared room?

She will be copying you, rather than really understanding what "alone time" can do to help someone. Maybe you can do something one to one with her once a week so she doesn't feel you're always focused on the younger children?

Get her a bean bag, audio book and some noise cancelling headphones

It's absolutely not safe for a 4 year old to be locking themselves in a room. As pp said, she is copying you. My advice would be to supervise them more and enable this space by you engaging the 2 year old more and thus allowing the 4yo to do more of her own things -within your sight

Disable the locks first of all! Can you arrange it so she has a chill out half an hour upstairs when the 2 year old has to stay downstairs with you?

Do you have any spaces at all that she could turn into a den? DD is an only child but she needs quiet time sometimes too and she has a big built in cupboard in her room that she independently set up as a little reading nook with cushions on the floor and battery operated fairy lights.

If you have a cupboard under the stairs or could fit a little pop up tent into a corner of the room and let her have that as her space it might help.

I don't think she's blindly "copying". Borrowing a phrase, maybe. But that doesn't mean she doesn't truly want or need some space. Even my 2yr old only child can say "I'm happy playing alone thanks".

I'd let her have time in her room and actively engage the younger sister so she's not following her. It's all very well making a den or some such but that's no good if she wants to build Lego or do some art or other thing that requires a bit of space and no small helpers.

Well done for taking her seriously and facilitating some time and space for her!

To clarify: I absolutely understand it's not safe for her to lock the doors. I do make a point to spend one-on-one time with her on a daily basis.

I like the idea of noise cancelling headphones. There's definitely a chance she's copying me, but it might be copying coping mechanisms when stressed--she also tried to do yoga and tries to coach others to take deep breaths when they're upset. I also will try distracting 2y to see if that gives her more space.

Have you got room for a Wendy house? I know it's not a solution in winter though. Lots of 4 year olds already have the kid version of their adult personality, and maybe she's just going to grow up to be someone who likes their own company

Why do people think she is just copying op? A 4yo, especially an introvert, is perfectly capable of articulating that they are done being around people.

I would suggest a curtain for around her bed, but i Would not expect a 2yo to respect a curtain so I don’t know that will actually work.

Could you not put a stairgate over your bedroom and let 4yo play in there by herself sometimes? She could have a box of books/lego under your bed that she can pull out and play with/read quietly on your bed on condition that she tidies up when she's done. I don't think 4yos need to be supervised closely the whole time, but I'd definitely remove or disable the locks.

she's not just copying Op she's obviously overwhelmed and wants her own space, why is that not allowed, is there an age where children have a right to feel overwhelmed or what

What’s the bedroom setup? Bunk beds? I would put curtains round her bed if possible.

It sounds like she's overwhelmed and wants a break.
My daughter is an only one and likes her alone time at home and at nursery. Sometimes I go into to her room and she asks us to leave as she wants to play by herself (this isn't all the time

Posted to soon. At nursery they say when it gets a little noises (it's a school nursery and only 13 3-4 year olds) she takes herself off to the book corner to sit and look at books.
I assume that's just her personality. She loves playing with other children and her cousin she sees most days due to living very nearby but sometimes she just likes her alone quiet time

We don't have locks on the doors and she keeps her door open but just asks us to leave.

Sounds like the 4yo gets left to play with the 2yo a lot as it’s convenient for you so you can get on with the baby and chores etc.

The 4yo isn’t a free babysitter. Parent your children yourself.

Sorry but even if you’re outraged and how very dare I suggest such a thing, i do think it’s likely the truth. It’s probably sneaked up and you didn’t realise because most of the time they have fun together.

Defo keep the 2yo away from her sibling more. Kids do everyone’s head in at times. Even other kids.

Can you divide and conquer at bed time? You put the 2 yo to bed with a story, 4yo gets half an hour lying on your bed with an audio book? (Assuming that's somewhat more supervisable than leaving 4yo downstairs.) Then 4yo can have a snuggle with you and a chapter or two before tip-toeing into bed. I bet she'd do it fine and not disturb the 2yo.

Of course a 4yo and 2yo can be left to play together whilst a baby is cared for or essential task are completed. I think it’s awful to make a mum of three feel like they are in the wrong. I’m sure the 4yo loves playing with her sister, she just needs to be able to take herself off for some alone time too.
Could she have a slightly later bedtime, big up her being a bit older and let her sit downstairs and read for half an hour?

So baby has own room at 3 months?

I would be keeping baby in your room and then giving 2-4 year old own room. In a year or so, review

I am always surprised (I’ve obviously led a sheltered life) how even the most innocuous of topics bring out really unpleasant replies. Why?

I don't think that's true. My eldest when he was 4 called it 'quiet time' (not a phrase we ever used) and he just took himself off somewhere quiet in the house for a few mins.

Maybe you could ask her what her ideal time alone would look like? Which room it would be, and what she would be doing? Then you'll have a better idea of how to help her.

The two year old is old enough to start to be taught to leave her sister alone while she wants her own space, although she's probably too young to reliably manage it. You'll probably have to spend most of her alone time policing her sister, at least at the start!

My two share a room and one really likes her own space. I've tried to convince her to swap her brother for the top bunk so that she can climb up and just be alone, but she doesn't like it up there. She does like reading in my bed though, and being in her room without her brother. Obviously it would be unfair to exclude her brother from his own room for extended periods, but we do our best with timers and spoken expectations.

Another thought - maybe it would be better for the two year old and baby to share and your older one to have their own room, if that's much more important to her? Might not be practical, but it's worth considering.

You need to disable or child-proof the locks before you do anything else.

Do people really not have locks on their bathroom doors whilst they have small children?