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Parenting

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Original poster

4-year-old Wants "Alone Time"

35 replies

LettieRose · 21/02/2023 16:59

I have 3 daughters--4y, 2y, and 3 months. Life is crazy, and the baby isn't sleeping through the night yet. I came out of the baby's room today to find that 4y had gone into my bedroom and locked the door, then gone into the bathroom beyond that and locked that door too, leaving 2y screaming and pounding on the outer door for her sister. When I finally got 4y out and convinced her to tell me why she had done this, she told me she wanted alone time from 2y.

As I'm the oldest of 5 in my family, I get this. Even as a mom, I'll resort to locking myself on my room for 10 minutes of "alone time." I want to help her. But 4y and 2y share a bedroom. Any advice for setting up a place so she can get a breather? Do I let her set up a place in my bedroom, or is there something I can do to give her space in her shared room?

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YukoandHiro · 21/02/2023 19:42

A 4yo can definitely need space in a busy household. iPad and earphones. Or time in the lounge by themselves with the tv on. Do they have their own bedroom.

No it's not safe for a 4yo to lock themselves in but it is safe for them to be alone in a room. Could they be allowed to spend some time in your bedroom alone with books or toys, separate to the other children?

NeverApologiseNeverExplain · 21/02/2023 19:44

HazardaGuest · 21/02/2023 19:39

Do people really not have locks on their bathroom doors whilst they have small children?

Ours is a bolt above head height.

freezingpompoms · 21/02/2023 19:54

My four year old has said she wants some alone time and I've never said those words (often thought them). I wonder if she's heard it on the tv...Bluey?

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RaineyDaze · 21/02/2023 19:57

It's definitely not outside the realm of possibility for a kid that age to want alone time, however it's obviously not safe for them to doubly lock themselves away for it.

The eldest child does have quite an adjustment to make when they're no longer the only child and as the younger sibling gets older and idolises them more they can feel overwhelmed by it. My son very much preferred to play on his own, and always has and still prefers to be in his own space in his room now as a just turned 21 year old. As the rest have got older they've learned to prefer their own space now they have it, but the middle two had to share for a long time when they lived with their dad and fought (physically fought) as a result. Now they have their own space to retreat to when they need, they all get on brilliantly, and go back to their personal spaces when they need to.

It may be worth creating a safe space where your 4 year old can go, if there isn't a room, then maybe one of those little teepee tents or something to put out the way of the younger ones but still somewhere you can keep an eye on them and put their favourite things in, some books and maybe something for playing some of their favourite music or something and they will feel like they've got their own private space to have some alone time and hopefully it'll prevent them from doing anything like that again. Also maybe when you need a few minutes try not to make it obvious so if it is learned behaviour then they hopefully won't get any more ideas about locking doors. Also maybe if you need locks on the bedroom door then is there a way to move the lock higher up the door out of reach? I say this cos my son was like Houdini (not exaggerating when I say I needed about 5 of me all with eyes in the back of my 5 heads 😂) and could get through all the stair gates etc, so to prevent him from getting out of his bedroom into the bathroom we put a lock at the very top of the outside of the bathroom door so that it could be locked so he couldn't get in and couldn't reach the lock.

If little one decides they don't need the alone time and you've got the teepee or whatever then you've got a nice little play tent for them all anyway and it's not a loss in anyway either. Hope some of this is useful.

Pallisers · 21/02/2023 20:13

HazardaGuest · 21/02/2023 19:39

Do people really not have locks on their bathroom doors whilst they have small children?

No we didn't. We did have a bolt up high.

I can well see how your 4 year old would need a break OP. I think the idea of a teepee in your bedroom or similar is great.

Genevie82 · 21/02/2023 20:16

Op, think it’s really healthy your 4 year old can express her feelings to you , everyone needs their own quiet time. Easy solution for her is to buy a lovely pop up tent she can have in the bedroom or another room where she can keep her own toys in/ colouring bits and feel free to chill out when she wants xx

Maray1967 · 21/02/2023 20:22

HazardaGuest · 21/02/2023 19:39

Do people really not have locks on their bathroom doors whilst they have small children?

No - we took ours off when DS1 could walk and actually only remembered to put it back not long ago - DS2 is 15! We had a shut door rule - if it’s shut, someone’s in.

Maray1967 · 21/02/2023 20:25

The 2 year old needs to be downstairs with you and not allowed back upstairs for an hour so your 4 year old can have some peace. It’s no good setting up reading tents etc if the 2 year old can just crash straight in. One of my friends had to do this - physically separate the eldest and middle daughters as the younger one just would not leave the eldest alone and she was sick of it. Just an hour on her own each day made a difference.

SnackyOnassis · 21/02/2023 20:41

I don't have any advice, OP, as mine is younger than yours and hasn't got here yet but I did just want to say that I love that you asked her why she did what she did rather than just told her off.
It's the kind of thing I hope I'll have the patience and empathy to do as mine gets older, and I just really admire your approach!

Thinkbiglittleone · 21/02/2023 21:06

Even if your DD is mimicking your way of expressing yourself, its good that she is telling you this. I can understand why she would want her own time.

I think a tepee/pop up tent in your bedroom or someone that she can go just her to be alone, o depending on your home set up and what's viable maybe there is time only she is allowed in her bedroom and same for the 2 year old for their time.

Its good to show you are listening to her expressing her feelings. It will encourage her and show her talking to you is being acknowledged

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