When do children start listening!

[Monstermoomin]

She's 3.5, I know, they don't listen as they're children. But my god, toys everywhere, toys being broken, tantrums, sick of my own voice, exhausted, it just doesn't stop.

🙄

When they get to 30

Bribery.

My daughter (age 4) as selective hearing.

It needs to be in their interest to want to do something. Though sometimes she is sweet enough to "tidy up" (in her opinion!😂) her mountain of toys if, say, earlier in the day I said exaggeratedly "Look how good I'M being, cleaning up ALL this mess even though it's not MY mess <wink wink>" or something along those lines.

The line "we're going now, put your shoes on" never, ever is heard.

My husband still hasn't mastered the art 😄

The other day I was Googling "why does child only listen if I yell"(!).

Advice came up such as giving warnings, give them choices, need to somehow make the result THEIR decision.

God help us! 😂

Try reading how to talk so children will listen, and how-to listen so children will talk.

They don't, they get to maybe 5/6 and listen then they turn 8/9 and it all starts again but with attitude to suit

@quietnightmare don't know if I can wait that long ha

@bigbluebus yeah I know that one

@CinderellasBoot we sometimes do races, who can tidy the fastest but she just then turns eeeeverything into a competition.

@HeadsShouldersKneesAndMyGreatAuntsWalkingStick yeah warnings I used like twice and she just says 'count to three'

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale I'll try to have a look at that

@Grumpybutfunny can't wait for the worse attitude to start, not excited about teenage years either ha.

Things like, we're going now do you want to put your coat or shoes on first? Work here.
Also DS has a marble reward jar and marbles can be lost for ignoring a grown up , and earned for getting dressed nicely in the morning without being asked (I put his clothes on the radiator in his room the night before) and other things. When he fills it (50/60 marbles I think) he gets a prize (something small but he's very motivated by this) , it sits on top of his bookcase so it's a good visual reminder too

My 4 year old is slowly getting better. He reacts really well if I give him consequences and follow through with them! We left the park early today because he wasn't listening. He proper kicked off but hopefully next time I can refer back to that! Probs wont make a difference though

Ditto and my DS is taking after him 🤯

What do you mean when you say she doesn’t listen? Why are you asking repeatedly? How are you asking?

Eg. If you’re asking her to put her shoes on while you’re distracted/getting stuff ready/calling her from in another room then no of course she isn’t listening because you aren’t giving her appropriate attention.

You need to go over to her, get her attention, get down on her level and be clear about what you want. Then if she doesn’t do it you follow through and do it for her. Eventually she will just do it the first time.

It sounds as if she “doesn’t listen” because she’s been inadvertently taught that she doesn’t need to. If you’re asking the same thing a million times then she knows there’s no point because there’s no consequences. You’ll just ask again and again and get more annoyed.

When they know the adult means it.

I have a really good tip: Take the toys away. Seriously, take 90% of them and pack them away in boxes in the garage/under your bed/somewhere out of sight. Not as a punishment, but because too many toys all over the place are overwhelming, lose their play value and stop being special so they get treated with disrespect. Swap some of them out every week to keep things fresh. You can then use them as a carrot, and use in conjunction with 'When/Then' - 'When you've put away your duplo Then we can get the dollshouse out'/'When you have your coat and shoes on Then we can choose which ball to bring to the park'/'When you've finished your dinner and put your plate and cup in the dishwasher Then you can choose a bath toy that we haven't had in a while' .

I would also highly recommend using humor when you can. When asking her to do something use different funny voices - talk like a robot, or the queen, or a baby, or a giant etc If she tantrums over getting dressed start off with a great rough-and-tumble game while she's still in her jammies, then stop and when she asks for more tell her yes When she's dressed, and quickly help her get changed so you can play again. Turn things into a race with a count down of 'Ready... steady... GO!!' when it's time to tidy up. If she's refusing her dinner tell her she can have a big plate of wiggly squiggly worms and some sloppy mud if she wants that instead. If she's having a 'pretend' tantrum (not genuinely upset but just ramping up to see how you'll react) fight back with a much bigger one yourself - pout, stamp, sob theatrically, pretend to suck your thumb - it's rare that this doesn't stop their behaviour in it's tracks and end with everyone laughing.

I would definitely let the little things go and only really get strict over completely unacceptable stuff such as damaging things or hurting someone. Praise lots and get as much outdoors time as you can (waterproof overalls for everyone highly recommended!)

Why 'God help us'?

When they have their own kids and realise? ;-)

My Dad says 40 but...when I reached 40 he was 70 and I needed to start 'parenting' him!

@JennyDarlingRIP I like the marbles, was he into them before or just a tool used as a visual aid?

@lemonmama yeah I do follow through with the consequences I set and try to make them linked to the thing that's doing so she can also associate it.

@MelaniesFlowers I didn't say I asked millions of times. Today's examples were more than she got one lot of toys out and ran off to get another lot out. I asked her to tidy those before getting more out, I wasn't able to get down and tidy them up (which I don't believe I should be having to do or she won't learn it's her responsibility) because I was feeding her sister. She just cracked on anyways.

@MissyB1 means what?

@SnuggleBuggleBoo that sounds like a good idea, she does probably have too big of a selection out at the moment. We put some away a few months ago that were too young for her (with her choosing which ones as she got upset). We had a nice walk this morning, think we need to burn off that energy productively.

@PatriciaHolm yeah my mum would probably say the same ha.

@stargirl1701 I don't think I have the energy to parent my mum too 😂

See, therein lies your issue. She won’t tidy up because she knows there’s no point and you’ll just allow her to crack on. You didn’t grab her attention, you called to her to do a task while you were otherwise distracted.

My 2 year old has been putting one toy away before getting another out since 18 months and she couldn’t even really talk then so at 3.5 your daughter should be doing this without needing to be asked.

No they don’t 😂

I used to get down to their level. Have them look at me. Issue the instruction - while they were looking at me. 1 -2 things max.
Distraction for other things.
Having a race to get dressed. Of course usually they won - but not every time.
Any yes to less toys- you can also rotate them.

@Monstermoomin

Does she want to play with the toys together?

As adults we can inadvertently stifle their play because we split toys up into 'groups' but if we actually let them just play they'll enjoy their toys all together.

I struggle as someone who is very 'organised' to let this happen, but I've learnt how important it is.

As for them listening. I inherited my Dad's tone of voice & raised eyebrow, both of which are very effective most of the time, but by god getting 3 under 5 out of the house with school/nursery shoes on, did my head in!!

many years ago eldest got put in the car for school in her nighty as I was absolutely fed up with the morning faffing about. I'd warned her she'd be going to school in her nighty if she didn't get dressed!

a little voice from the back 'I'm sorry I didn't get dressed, but please I don't want to go to school in my nighty!' (Puppy dog eyes) so I stopped in a cul de sac near by & helped her to put her uniform on, whilst explaining that was a one off, next time I would not be bringing her uniform & she would be going in, in her nighty. She knew I was not joking or bluffing! Never had to do it again! But you have to save the Big Consequences for very rare occasions!

@MelaniesFlowers ah yes, I forgot that all children are exactly the same and should be held to the same standards 🙄 I'll remember to never be distracted by another child of mine to get the other to listen.

@Swimswam she tends to find forced eye contact uncomfortable, I'm the same to be honest, but I do get down to her level to speak to her (when not breastfeeding). I might try the racing to get dressed even it's just to have a giggle at where she puts all the clothes in such a hurry ha.

@AlmostSpring2023 sometimes she does and I don't mind that (dinosaurs and Pokémon are a hit) because I can see how much enjoyment she gets out of mixing the toys and her imaginary play is wonderful to see, the stories she comes up with are fab. But today was just her flitting from one to another, as when I gave her consequences of not listening to instructions about tidying one before getting the other she came back to the original toys and said she was still playing with them.

Sounds like a good use of tone of voice, and I can imagine that was a stress! Ha that definitely sounds like it worked then!

You can be as sarcastic as you want and ignore advice on how to get your children to listen to you (because they currently don’t because they know when you ask them to do something you don’t mean it), but you can’t then complain when they continue to ignore you.

Thanks you're absolutely right, I can be sarcastic and I can complain 👌

Then if she doesn’t do it you follow through and do it for her. Eventually she will just do it the first time.

How does this advice help anyways. If I ask her to tidy and she doesn't so I follow through and tidy for her....yeah she'll definitely then start to do it if I'm always doing it for her.

When I said do it for her I was more thinking of if she was refusing to put shoes or coat on to get out the door. Obviously each scenario is different and needs to be handled appropriately so you do need to be able to adapt.

So in the case of toys, you don’t just half heartedly call it out and then do it if she doesn’t. You don’t allow her to get the next toy out if the first one isn’t put away.

You get down to her level and you explain what you need from her. Children are far more likely to listen when you’re actively giving them instruction than if you’re distractedly calling it while doing something else.

As others have said, a reduction of toys and a toy rotation should be the focus. We have six or seven (different types of) toys out at a time and rotate when interest wanes. So when she hasn’t played with the Duplo in a couple of days we’ll change it for stickle bricks etc.