When do children start listening!

[Monstermoomin]

She's 3.5, I know, they don't listen as they're children. But my god, toys everywhere, toys being broken, tantrums, sick of my own voice, exhausted, it just doesn't stop.

🙄

This is really great advice. Inspired!

Mine are 11 & 8 and it's still sporadic!

When it’s in their interests too 🙄. Wild horses couldn’t stop them in those circumstances.

Seriously though, I think it depends a bit on the child. My first dc did as told from the get go after one single instance of throwing away a toy after I’d warned her twice it would go in the bin if she didn’t do as requested (put it on the shelf before someone stepped on it and the shards went into their foot). Now she’s older her room is a pig sty 90% of the time, but she tidies etc when told.

Second child, I can get down to his level, have him focus on my face, tell him to put his pajamas in the hamper then put on his clothes and come get his teeth brushed, and he’ll have forgotten what he went into his room for before he even gets there. I’m actually beginning to wonder if there’s something the matter with him (although I don’t think so, given how he manages to follow the most complicated instructions when it comes to sports and academics…).

I completely agree. Mine have been very cooperative since turning three following this book.

Mine are 3 and 5. It's hit and miss tbh. If its essential that they listen to me, I tell them 'listening ears on' and get them looking at me before I speak to them. That works sometimes. If not, I give them a count of three after I have asked them to do something, and if I get to three before they get on with what im asking, there is a consequence. It's still a gamble whether they will listen though.

We also have routines and rules I've drilled into them, eg when we go to the shops we have two rules, 'stay by mommy' and 'don't touch'. I repeat them endlessly and they're starting to get it now.

For getting ready in the morning we now have a visual chart and a reward for completion, they have to: have their drink and breakfast, brush teeth, get dressed, brush hair, and put shoes on, then they are allowed some time to play, and can choose one chocolate or sweet or small toy from a load I have in a jar. This was after me saying put your shoes on about 15 times and eventually losing my shit when ds 5 chucked his shoes down the stairs at me instead. The chart and reward works reasonably well. It's taken a lot of tension and fucking about out of our mornings. I just point at it, ask them what's next and remind them no treat or play time until its done.

I did find myself saying to them today, 'why don't you listen to me? I bet if I said I've got biscuits for you, you would listen to me!' Dd asked I'd she could have a biscuit, which pretty much proved my point!

@Monstermoomin he'd never had marbles before, we tried a sticker chart first but he just got sad the stickers were stuck on the paper and not on him.

Mine didn’t love eye contact either - I have adhd so I get it. But honestly it works. When they are a little older having them repeat the instruction back to you - not word for word of course works well!
It’s ok if they are a little uncomfortable- tidying is boring. Playing with a different toy is fun. So of course the playing is more of a priority. Looking at Mum and listening isn’t! But she still needs to do it.

Definitely agree with How To Talk So Kids Will Listen book - brilliant, basically the foundation of my parenting style.

Also worth remembering: Boundaries are not things that you ask your child not to do. Boundaries are about what YOU do. So when they put toys everywhere, what are you doing about it? When toys get broken, what are you doing about it? When they don't listen, what are you doing about it? How do you respond to tantrums, etc.

That doesn't necessarily have to be punitive by the way. Sure, you can have a system of rules and consequences if that is something that helps you with clear boundaries and "what to do" - that's a perfectly valid parenting strategy and one employed by the majority of people, I'd guess. But boundaries can be more direct as well - so in terms of toys being everywhere, streamline the amount of toys that you have, ensure they are easy to put away and the ones which are breakable/lots of small pieces are harder to get out alone, get down with them and explain/model/encourage putting away one toy before getting out the next. (Not necessarily 1:1 but whatever ratio of toys-to-mess you are happy with)

Responding to tantrums by giving them whatever they are screaming for is unlikely to be helpful, but responding with compassion and calmness and helping them downregulate can be useful. Or just ignoring and making sure they don't hurt themselves and others. I would not punish whatever happens in a tantrum as I do think they are basically not in control of themselves at that point.

Try to see the world from their perspective and remember to encourage/reward/praise the good behaviour. If you are finding yourself reacting negatively a lot, a useful exercise is this:

1. Identify the top 5 behaviours or conflicts or problems you are dealing with right now.
2. Flip them into a positive expectation (e.g. arguing about getting dressed = getting dressed quickly and cooperatively. Nightmare mealtimes = good table manners.) Try to boil this down to a single word or very short phrase.
3. Now you have your 5 things to encourage, think about ways you can set them up to succeed or work on those skills or incentivise the desired behaviour. Implement these things.
4. Also, now you've identified 5 things you want from them, look for opportunities to notice and praise those behaviours. For example, if your child screams putting on every piece of clothing, but is proud to put on their own shoes, praise them for the shoes even though everything else was shit. This helps a lot, because often we are just so relieved not to have the bad behaviour, that we fail to notice the areas that our child IS doing well.

@MelaniesFlowers I do adapt depending on my child's need, I don't just do the same thing for every scenario. It's also not always practical to get down on a child's level to either intervene to stop further toys getting taken out or 100% attention. Like I said, I was feeding her sister at the time. It's much easier with just one.

@Drywhitefruitycidergin glad to know it's not just me ha.

@Partyandbullshit I agree there, she gets very engrossed in her play at times so hard to break that level of engagement at times. I have explained about toys being broken and needing to go in the bin if not careful but I may have to choose a cheaper one to follow through with that consequence!

@katmarie ha selective hearing at it's finest with the biscuit 😂 she's doing well most of the time in the shops with walking by the trolley as I follow through with consequence of having to return to holding my hand for X amount of minutes if doesn't stay next to me. I also get her to be engaged by getting the stuff to put in the trolley which works well. But I've only got one to chase ATM as the others in a sling so that may change!

@JennyDarlingRIP yeah I can imagine a sticker chart not working here too as she likes them on her, I like the marbles though. She might be receptive to something like that.

@Swimswam yeah her dad has ADHD and usually has good ways of getting her to listen as I think he gets the distraction and engrossment a lot more. I just find general eye contact uncomfortable when I'm talking to people but do force myself to try to keep it when listening so they know I am actually paying attention.
She's responded better when I've explained the 'plan' for what we're going to do and usually will repeat it and say 'deal' but occasionally I get 'thats not a good plan but we can try it' or her own suggestions of adapting the plan ha.

@BertieBotts a few people have mentioned the book so it's worth taking a look at. That's what I'm trying to work on with consequences not being unreasonable, for example before bath time her toys needed tidying away but she wanted to choose a book instead to take upstairs, so instead of saying like 'no you need to tidy your toys or you can't have a book' I tried the whole 'of course we can look at a nice book to take up when you've tidied your toys' which after repeating once she did do and then was excited to choose her book. Tantrums are not given into in the house by me or her dad, I will empathise but also calmly set boundaries for communication and help her to calm if needed/regulate breathing to calm until she's able to communicate. But if she is doing fake screaming and can actually stop this as she's not really upset or distressed I do calmly tell her I will listen to her when she stops this and will carry on with what I'm doing and she generally stops quite quickly. The five steps sound good, meal times have been getting better with the praise for the good behaviours and some ignoring the bad unless they were extreme

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale I re-read this last night and it's sooo good. Highly recommend OP!

In my experience it slightly depends on the dreaminess of the child. But 3.5 is still quite little. My 5.5 year old is so much better than before.

Mine are 4 and 6 and still don’t listen….so I’ll let you know 😂

The first answer nails it. I'm 39 and now quite often think how right my DM was about many things. In my 20s? Not so much 😂