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Original poster

Annoying in laws with new baby

71 replies

BMEC · 18/02/2023 14:22

My baby is 11 weeks old. Since day dot, the inlaws have been driving me crazy and are really intense with the baby. They want to visit every week and when we say no we are tired, they are offended. When they do see the baby, they hog him and become really intense. My father in law cried for the first 3 weeks every time he saw him.

When I say the baby is tired and needs a sleep they continue to stimulate him by talking, bouncing him up and down etc. My partner had actually said about 3 times "he needs to sleep so try and rock him instead". They literally take no notice. I then had to go downstairs and take the baby off them so I could get him to nap.

It's got to the point now where they are seeing less and less of the baby because 1) they don't listen to me and 2)they make me wanna puke with their cringey baby talk.

Am I being unreasonable? I feel like I'm being a crank but at the end of the day I look after him 24/7 and if he doesn't get his regular naps he is a nightmare. Has anyone else experienced annoying in laws?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

qwertykeyboards · 18/02/2023 19:52

MTIH · 18/02/2023 15:02

They are not your DH’s in laws though. They are his parents and the grandparents of your child.
They miss their new grandson. Your parents don't as they see their grandson much more regularly.

Communication. You and DH with both families.
Maybe less time with your DH’s inlaws might make you all much more available and ready to be with your inlaws.

This!

CloakAndTin · 19/02/2023 08:15

I've always had quite a strained relationship with my inlaws, particularly in the first few years of our marriage. When our first was born they were really overbearing - even turning up at our house with their friends to see the baby. They're not perfect, but then neither am I, and the bottom line is they meant well and they love our children. If MN had existed then (32 years ago) I would have been told to go no contact. Personally I think the more people a child has around them who love them and will be there for them as they grow the better.

My now adult DCs relationship with their grandparents is a close and loving one, independent of the tricky relationship I've had with them for 37 years (although we've all mellowed with age and get along much better now).
I don't understand your problem with your FIL crying. My FIL cried too, and 30 years later he cries when he sees his great grandchild!

Unless they're vile or dangerous just, give them a chance. Be clear about how you want them to handle your baby. Having a grandchild is an exciting time and grandparents can get over excited, over-step and do annoying things. I suppose I'm fortunate that my DC are girls and, as such, my DD needed me (and continues to) when she became a mum. She's always been aware however, that the paternal grandparents are important too and shes careful to involve them.

I do understand your frustrations as I've been there, but I'd encourage you not to let your inlaws' current behaviour define your future relationship, and don't risk denying your child what could be a very rewarding and important relationship for their future.

HappyKoala56 · 19/02/2023 08:20

This must only have happened a handful of times surely as they've gone weeks without seeing him as you find them annoying, and baby is only 11 weeks old. Get your DH to grow a pair and tell his parents to respect what you say. Visit them little and often.

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Duttercup · 19/02/2023 08:22

I don't understand why the OPs husband needs to talk to his parents, they don't really sound like they've done anything wrong. The nap thing is a bit annoying but literally noone cares about babies and small children napping other than their parents.

When it's time to nap, say 'oooh, nap time now', take your baby out their arms and give them a nap. It's not that hard.

The rest of it, you're being mean. I find my MiL and her childcare wildly annoying. But it means my daughter doesn't go to nursery one day a week which saves me money and makes both my MiL and daughter extremely happy. They can't have too much love.

EnglishRain · 19/02/2023 08:30

BMEC · 18/02/2023 17:51

Also.. to put things in perspective. We both visited today.. baby was asleep in the carseat and FIL woke him up on purpose as soon as we got there by poking him. Its not just one occasion I'm talking about.

Your DH needs to be firm at the time. Eg. 'dad what did you do that for?! It's not OK to wake him up' and if FIL pushes back, DH pushes back until he gets it, even if it means you going straight back home. It's a blatant lack of respect for you as parents and that's not OK, whoever's parents are doing it.

Pricklyheath · 19/02/2023 08:34

Just be firm but don’t stop them seeing their dgc.

Remember that you could be in their position one day, a ds who’s wife cba with her in laws, you.

My dil is lovely but always puts her own dm first and it hurts a lot. Even down to the lack of photos in their house of us with dgs. I never say a word though.

My dd has a baby now and I am so careful around dd’s in laws so much so that her mil apologised she was hogging the baby and I told her not to worry I get plenty of cuddles too.

Emmamoo89 · 19/02/2023 08:42

I completely understand about the naps. They need all the naps in to sleep well at night. They're not the ones that will have to deal with a cranky overtired baby at night

Emmamoo89 · 19/02/2023 08:42

Redebs · 19/02/2023 08:52

Eyerollcentral · 18/02/2023 17:56

Yes, you are bring massively unreasonable. Once a week is not excessive. Your tone about your husband’s parents is shocking. For god’s sake give them some basic respect. You do sound like a crank. If you haven’t let them see the child for a few weeks they have seen him what 7 - 8 times in three months? I understand you want to establish a routine and it’s your baby you decide what happens, but you seem to resent their very existence. I feel sorry for your father in law being mocked for being overcome with emotion and love for your baby.

Show quote history

Yes.
Babies will sleep when they need to and I think you're making a big thing about them disturbing the baby for the short time they are there. I think you are the only one who's affected tbh, and although it's understandable that you still want to 'nest', it's lovely to have such caring family for your baby too.

If you're finding it hard to bf with inlaws there, then practise doing it in front of a mirror until you're able to do it under cover.

If you're feeling agitated that you're missing holding baby, then get a sling. They can still see baby with you in control.

The presence of these loving family members will bring great benefits to your baby as he grows. You need to relax and manage your own feelings for now.

cadburyluver · 19/02/2023 09:16

SarahAndQuack · 18/02/2023 18:51

I'm surprised by some of the responses here. You are a mother of a newborn: you are going to feel intensely keyed to what the baby needs, and it will be nails on a blackboard to see someone doing something you don't feel comfortable with.

I agree that your DP should talk to his parents and point out that, though they may not mean to, they are putting you on edge when they ignore what you and your partner say about not bouncing the baby. It's also unfair of them to come for a visit, stimulate the baby, and then leave you and your partner with a cranky, over-stimulated baby to look after. If I were your DP, I'd be saying how much you both want to see them, but explaining what happens after the visit that they don't see. I remember this with older relations when we had DD. They've had children, but people forget - the newborn stage is so sleep-deprived, it's a fog. I know this is true because when my DD was all of six months, my friend (mother of a newborn) had to remind me you have to support their heads - it had just gone out of my mind!

It is lovely they want to be involved. I both get why your FIL crying could, in context, be annoying, and why posters are saying it's a gesture of his affection. Please don't listen to all the oppression-olympics posts about how you're lucky they care. You are, of course: but it doesn't mean they're not upsetting you and it doesn't mean your feelings are unimportant. You need (or your DP needs) to find a way to get across to them ignoring you when you say what the baby needs is not on.

This

pinksheetss · 19/02/2023 09:40

I understand OP
I think it's hard with the in laws when it comes to a baby because this baby is all you now know, you've grown this baby inside you and every ounce of you is looking on ways to protect them. You are then expected to hand baby over at whim to in laws just to appease them. People you don't know as well as you'd want to and sounds like you don't trust either.

Your instincts are telling you not to

Do I agree both sets of grandparents need time? Yes. Do I think it's hard for mothers sometimes to do this, absolutely!

WFHbore2023 · 19/02/2023 10:21

Sorry, but the dynamic is always going to be off when it comes to the mothers own mum, and the mum in law.

If someone on my side of the family was doing something unhelpful with the baby, waking them up etc, I'd be a lot more comfortable in telling them to pack it in, than I would if they were my partners family.

DangerNoodles · 19/02/2023 16:47

Yes you are the Mum now OP and therefore in charge, but one day you might be the MIL desperate to get a cuddle in when you can because you don't know when your DIL is going to let you see your DGC next.

SarahAndQuack · 19/02/2023 18:21

DangerNoodles · 19/02/2023 16:47

Yes, because it's absolutely unavoidable that all mothers grow up to be sad, lonely, victimised mothers-in-law, unfairly separated from their grandchildren by the whims of daughters-in-law.

In the real world, of course, most people don't behave like dicks and therefore this issue doesn't arise.

tass1960 · 19/02/2023 19:01

angstridden2 · 18/02/2023 17:15

I am so grateful for my lovely,sensible and kind DIL.I’m sure I’ve irritated her at times, I’m human after all. She is very close to her mum, but she is always gracious in her behaviour to me and loves that I love my GC. The moaning about MILs on MN makes me quite sad.

Exactly this

DangerNoodles · 19/02/2023 19:44

SarahAndQuack · 19/02/2023 18:21

Yes, because it's absolutely unavoidable that all mothers grow up to be sad, lonely, victimised mothers-in-law, unfairly separated from their grandchildren by the whims of daughters-in-law.

In the real world, of course, most people don't behave like dicks and therefore this issue doesn't arise.

Show quote history

I didn't say it was unavoidable. I have a pretty good relationship with my mum in law and I see her as an equal grandparent to my DCs despite being more comfortable around my own mother. What I am saying is if OP makes it seem like it is the done thing to distance from paternal grandparents then yes she does increase the risk of the same thing happening to her when she is a grandma.

It doesn't sound like they have done much wrong and just need some simple boundaries setting, it's no way near bad enough to deny them a once a week visit.

SarahAndQuack · 19/02/2023 20:17

I think you are reading into it.

She isn't saying it's the done thing. She's saying that when her in-laws dismiss what she says, she doesn't like it.

Euni2023 · 29/09/2023 02:00

I bet your parents are perfect !

HeddaGarbled · 29/09/2023 02:13

My father in law cried for the first 3 weeks every time he saw him

Ah, love him.

It’ll calm down in time. Totally OK to insist on nap time. Not really OK to stop them visiting.

WandaWonder · 29/09/2023 03:27

Why do you get to dictate? 'my mum is allowed as she helps with housework and does what she is told' is how this is coming across

Pocodaku · 29/09/2023 03:48

What does tricky and difficult mean in this context? Were they abusive to your DH? Why did he want to go NC? If there’s a larger pattern of abuse they are likely to repeat with your baby, go NC.
If not, put up with baby talk once a week. And you or your DH take the baby off them calmly and firmly every time it’s time for a nap.

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