Annoying in laws with new baby

[BMEC]

My baby is 11 weeks old. Since day dot, the inlaws have been driving me crazy and are really intense with the baby. They want to visit every week and when we say no we are tired, they are offended. When they do see the baby, they hog him and become really intense. My father in law cried for the first 3 weeks every time he saw him.

When I say the baby is tired and needs a sleep they continue to stimulate him by talking, bouncing him up and down etc. My partner had actually said about 3 times "he needs to sleep so try and rock him instead". They literally take no notice. I then had to go downstairs and take the baby off them so I could get him to nap.

It's got to the point now where they are seeing less and less of the baby because 1) they don't listen to me and 2)they make me wanna puke with their cringey baby talk.

Am I being unreasonable? I feel like I'm being a crank but at the end of the day I look after him 24/7 and if he doesn't get his regular naps he is a nightmare. Has anyone else experienced annoying in laws?

I agree with asking them to do useful things such as taking the baby out in the pram. The baby will sleep and it also knackers out the in-laws and calms them down. As annoying as they may be, try not to be too hard on your in-laws. Mine were indifferent to my dc and that was awful to witness. Two loving sets of grandparents is a wonderful thing for your dc .

But if they don’t listen to OP and her DH saying the baby needs to sleep, they won’t do this: they’re more likely to wheel the pram to the nearest cafe and poke the baby awake and lift it out to play. If she can’t trust them to listen to what the baby needs when she’s in the room, why would she trust them with the baby alone? Right now they’re interfering with sleep; next it’ll be early weaning or forwards facing car seats.

So your parents can see him whenever but not your partner's parents ?

Both of your parents are absolutely infatuated with a new grandchild l.

I think you need to think hard about who can/can't see your baby. Obviously you're not more comfortable with in laws but your child is equally a grandchild.

Please think about this.

I think you sound a bit harsh although I understand where you're coming from. I remember being so annoyed at my MIL because she didnt approve of my breast feeding and kept saying my son must be hungry and not getting enough food every time he cried. She was always taking over and hogging my son and trying to say we should do things differently.

These days all that doesn't matter and I'm so happy we kept a good relationship with my in laws. The support they've given has been amazing as my son grows up.

I think ultimately having people who care and will be there for you as your child grows up outweighs how annoying inlaws can be. Much better to have people who care than people who don't. Hopefully they will calm down as your child gets older and boundaries are established.

My DH feels strongly about it too and wouldn't see them at all if it wasn't for me. DH and his parents have had a tricky relationship over the years and they are quite difficult people. I'm not stopping them from seeing the baby I just need space so I can get baby into a routine and not have it purposely interrupted.

I feel like I'm putting more research time into learning how to be a granny (via Mumsnet) than I did for my GCSEs, A Levels and Degree combined.

It's a fucking minefield.

My kids are both under 12 and I'm already panicking from threads like this that I'll be a shit granny.

They have not even had ten opportunities to see the child. There needs to be better communication and most of all respect here, that works both ways. The OP is very dismissive in the thread which must come across in person. She is mocking grandparents for wanting to be part of their grandchild’s life. She needs to communicate calmly and clearly and allow her husband parents the chance to comply with her wishes. I know the OP may be hormonal post partum but it seems that her fits of pique are only reserved for her husband’s parents.

Honestly op how much can a visit a week disrupt the baby’s routine?

This is key. I am in a similar situation that my DH wanted to go no contact and I encouraged him to keep going and I should have let him. Please do the same for your DH and he needs you to support him. Only see them if he wants. You don’t need to keep seeing them. If he prods baby or wakes them up you take baby back. If they won’t let him sleep physically take him back.
you owe them nothing

I can understand the frustration.

My MIL once popped to the house to collect something whilst I was upstairs feeding my newborn, something that I struggled with massively.
She was literally just popping in to grab something on her way home from work.
My partner asked me how long I was going to be upstairs feeding for, I said no idea so she left.
He got a phone call from his dad not long after to say his mum had come home crying because she hadn't seen the baby.
I think people have short memories when it comes to just how difficult the newborn stage is, and that it would sometimes be handy to let the parents find their feet without stepping on toes.
There is nothing more infuriating than your baby crying whilst someone else is holding them, you knowing that you can make your baby stop but them being more bothered about their want hold a baby than what the baby wants.
Maybe start being more to the point with them? If they aren't following the routine that you are following then take him to another room where you can continue with it, that way they are only going to make themselves miss out on time with him.

I'm with you OP, they sound borderline abusive. I honestly wouldn't continue with this thread though as their behaviour has been totally lost by those fixating on your wording & how often they see your DS....As usual! 🙄

Personally I'd just go NC until your DS is 3/4 at least.

Look, you and DH need to see the IL and explain that you are reluctant to see them too often because they wake up the baby, overstimulate him and don’t respect your boundaries. It’s a hard thing to say and a hard thing to hear but you must do this if you want to have a positive relationship with them going forward.

Let the IL know you value them and want them around DC but they need to work with you and the baby.

We had something similar with my IL when DD was born. We ended up not seeing them for a couple of months because they would come in and felt they could take over. These are DD’s only grandparents too so it wasn’t like my parents were there instead.

Open communication is very important.

Communication is best, communicate with them. You and your DH need to sit down and have a conversation.

My MIL lives 40 mins away and from the moment my DD was born she came once a week, did she always do the right thing? No and did she annoy me at times?, yes but she is only human and has also helped alleviate the loneliness that comes with being a new mum to a newborn, anything that was a serious boundary we spoke about and we found an equilibrium. I have always encouraged the relationship because I believe GPs are important, my daughter dotes on her Nan now she’s a toddler and I am very thankful for that.

Get real...And then what...how do you pick up contact in 3-4 years time? NC because they woke up a baby once a week???

These are real people.

If there are other issues between DH and his family, then that is different - but that isn't how this thread started.

I'm surprised by some of the responses here. You are a mother of a newborn: you are going to feel intensely keyed to what the baby needs, and it will be nails on a blackboard to see someone doing something you don't feel comfortable with.

I agree that your DP should talk to his parents and point out that, though they may not mean to, they are putting you on edge when they ignore what you and your partner say about not bouncing the baby. It's also unfair of them to come for a visit, stimulate the baby, and then leave you and your partner with a cranky, over-stimulated baby to look after. If I were your DP, I'd be saying how much you both want to see them, but explaining what happens after the visit that they don't see. I remember this with older relations when we had DD. They've had children, but people forget - the newborn stage is so sleep-deprived, it's a fog. I know this is true because when my DD was all of six months, my friend (mother of a newborn) had to remind me you have to support their heads - it had just gone out of my mind!

It is lovely they want to be involved. I both get why your FIL crying could, in context, be annoying, and why posters are saying it's a gesture of his affection. Please don't listen to all the oppression-olympics posts about how you're lucky they care. You are, of course: but it doesn't mean they're not upsetting you and it doesn't mean your feelings are unimportant. You need (or your DP needs) to find a way to get across to them ignoring you when you say what the baby needs is not on.

YANBU X

YANBU.

Bouncing the baby is dangerous.
Overstimulating the baby is selfish.
Not listening to you and trying to keep on hogging him when he needs to be fed or out down to sleep is disrespectful and childish behaviour on their part. They've lost the run of themselves and they need to get a grip. The baby isn't a toy.

Get a sling. Wear the baby during their visits. Don't let them hold him.

Don't let them go anywhere alone with tbe baby. These people are not sensible.

How sad that you refer to your baby’s grandparents as “the in-laws”….although I bet you’d want your own parents to be viewed more warmly and as having a closer connection with their GC.

You will most likely need the support of your DH’s parents in the future. They don’t mean to be annoying. So perhaps plan their visits around your baby’s nap times and as PPs have said, ask GPs to help in a way that suits you.

If you view them quite coldly, you will be irritated by their every word and you will never develop a relationship close enough for you to kindly but firmly tell them your and your baby’s needs. Perhaps a change in perception will help here.

Have you mis-read the OP somehow? She is talking about her in-laws! She's not using the term to be rude.

She says their relationship was already difficult and her DH wouldn’t see them at all of it wasn’t for her? So they should just stop constantly t altogether

Equal access doesn’t apply with an already damaged relationship where the DH wants to stop contact though? Or should the woman just put up for societal expectations of generational views?

I think they’re behaving like a lot of grandparents. You have all sorts of emotions with a new child. They obviously love their new grandson which is a good thing. Get your husband to speak to them about what is and isn’t ok when they visit but when they do visit involve them in caring for him. Don’t forget when he’s older and you need a babysitter in an emergency you will appreciate them more. I think you are being a little unreasonable but perfectly normal to be very possessive and particular with a newborn. Did your partner have a happy childhood. If so then they were good parents. They just need to learn to be good grandparents

Jeez, poor in laws. I hope when, if, I become a mother in law, I do not get treated with such disrespect and contempt. You are so hostile.

This.