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Original poster

DD Invited to Tea by School Friend

33 replies

Momp · 06/12/2004 12:12

DD's best friend's mum asked if DD would like to go round for tea one of the nights. I told the mum it was OK with me but would need to check with DH (knowing only too well he would definately say no way).

DD is nearly 5, has known the girl since she started reception in Sept, and has been to their house for best friends party and that went well.

I do think they're a nice family, but I only ever see them at school. I'm just thinking "you never know what could happen".

Please help!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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colditzcolditzcold · 06/12/2004 12:17

I used to love going to tea at my friends house at that age. With all respect, I can't see anything that awful happening. If you and DH don't let her go to see her friends now, when will you? It can be so important to girls of that age.

nailpolish · 06/12/2004 12:18

i dont understand what you are worried about.

pinkmama · 06/12/2004 12:18

Momp, I am interested in what is it that is really worrying you here? My dd started going round to people's for tea in reception and it was hard to let go at first (those first steps towards independance). Most of people I know let them start going at this stage. I am not saying you are wrong to be concerned, just intrigued as to why you feel so worried, maybe if you know what it is that really worries you you can find a way to resolve it.

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Original poster

Momp · 06/12/2004 12:19

I think DH has put the collywobbles up me by saying "I bet Holly and Jessica's parents trusted the school caretaker"

OP posts:

cranberryjampot · 06/12/2004 12:20

Well tbh you never know what could happen at school either. It is hard when you have to let your child go to someone's house that you dont know personally. Why not say yes but then arrange to collect her about 5pm so she wont have spent that long there. My ds gets occasional invites to his friend's grandad's house. I am not entirely comfortable with this as I dont know the whole story - child stays with g/dad a fair amount. I do know how you feel though

LAMBda · 06/12/2004 12:21

could you take her round to the house yourself and 'case the joint'? You might get invited in for a cup of tea and you can see the children playing together - be frank(ish) with the mum and tell her you would feel better if you settled her in on the first visit

spykid · 06/12/2004 12:21

Momp, I understand your concern,I too am of the 'you never know' brigade!
maybe for their first play date you could suggest going round with her and having a coffee. Chatting to the mom, and seeing your dd playing happily would put your mind at rest for future play dates.

cranberryjampot · 06/12/2004 12:21

do the parents (or child) display any signs of not being entirely caring?

pinkmama · 06/12/2004 12:22

It is no consilation to the small number of parents who have lost children because of evil people, but it is so rare. I really think its important to not let these fears get in the way of them growing up. There are far more prevalent dangers in the world. If you don't feel you know the parents well enough, why not invite their child with one of them round for a cup of tea or something? That way you can get to know them better.

nailpolish · 06/12/2004 12:22

i dont think you can worry about things like that your whole life, or we would keep our children cooped up inside til they are 18. another girls parents are a lot different to the school caretaker. holly and jessica went wandering round the village on their own, your dd will be safe and sound in the house

Tinker · 06/12/2004 12:23

Erm, think you should let her go if you and your daughter are happy about it. At what age, exactly, would your husband allow her to go to a friend's house?

nailpolish · 06/12/2004 12:24

lambda has a good idea, why not take dd round, stay for a cup of tea and chat to her friends mum about your worries? im sure she will say she worries about the exact same thing! then you may feel better

EniDeepMidwinter · 06/12/2004 12:25

OMG, none of this ever crossed my mind and dd1 is always going back and forth to friends houses! Sorry but you can be too paranoid...

Original poster

Momp · 06/12/2004 12:25

The only inkling of doubt on my part was when best friend was late for school the other week and had a cut on her chin.

Her mum said she'd fell out of bed and the daughter said she'd hurt it that morning in the bathroom. Am I being a complete psycho and making too much of this?

OP posts:

colditzcolditzcold · 06/12/2004 12:25

Holly and Jessica was a bit different. They were out on their own and met him, so he knew that nobody knew they were with him.

Whereas your dd woul be exactly where you expect her to be.

However, having said that, are you worrying because there is something about this woman you don't trust?

Tinker · 06/12/2004 12:26

Think you are being a bit too paranoid tbh. If any harm was going to happen to her, doubt they'd be openly inviting her round and advertising themselves as prime suspects.

nailpolish · 06/12/2004 12:28

momp i think you need to see for yourself this girls parents and talk to them, then your mind will be put at rest. children gets bumps all the time, half the time i never know where they come from myself. you are worrying far too much. or is there something else you dont like about the whole situation?

Original poster

Momp · 06/12/2004 12:29

I do like the idea of going there with DD so that I get to know them better. Will give it a go as I do want DD to lead as normal a life as possible - DH has other ideas.

OP posts:

LAMBda · 06/12/2004 12:30

I was really worried when I invited ds's friend round in Reception - I interrogated the parent about what X was allowed to eat and drink - didn't want to be a bad parent and give junk food to health conscious parent, was X OK with pets (we have a cat), Could I take them to the playground? It was nerve-wracking.

I'm an old hand now though

cranberryjampot · 06/12/2004 12:30

a 4/5 year old may well have fallen out of bed but if she noticed it in the bathroom mirror then maybe she thinks this is where she did it. Unless you think they beat the kid I really wouldn't worry.

nailpolish · 06/12/2004 12:30

tell dh to lighten up!

cranberryjampot · 06/12/2004 12:31

Then get dh to liaise with her parents about it - it is very hard for mummies especially with playground politics

Original poster

Momp · 06/12/2004 12:33

Thank you all for your replies. Great advice as always!

The xmas concert and the xmas bazaar are coming up which will give DH a chance to get to know the family better too.

OP posts:

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 06/12/2004 12:41

When DS1 went for his first tea-at-a-friends, I went with him to ensure he was happy there. I stayed for an hour or so, chatting to the mother and drinking coffee. she did the same for her DSs visit here. Subsequent visits have been unchaperoned.

lisalisa · 06/12/2004 12:42

There was a girl in dd1's previous class at her old school who was never allowed anywhere to play. In the first few months of reception invitations flew back and forth between all the children and my dh loved inviting dd1's friends round and playing raucous games with them all ( non contact obviously!). This girl was never allowed.

Throughout the 3 years my dd1 was at school she was allowed to go to school parties only occasionally ( this girl, not dd1) and never had her own. On school trips her mother and father always had to be one fo the hlepers otherwise this girl would be "off sick" on that day.

Last year, dd1 aged 7 had a sleepover for her party and this girl was the only one who#s parents said she could attend till nine o clock and then tehy would come and pick her up. When they arrived dh was busy with duck duck goose with the girlsj ( it was an all girls sleepover) and this girl's father said "come on x, time to go". X burst into hysterical tears but wouldn't say what was wrong. Finally her father called from their house to say that she was begging to b e allowed to sleep with us and could he come back with her.

The childrne were overjoyed to see their friend who confided in us after her father had gone that she'd begged to be allowed to sleep but her pleas rejected because "we don't know the family and they could be anyone"... . This was after 5 years of kindygartend and school together in a very small class of 15 chikldren where this girl's parents and our family also had siblings in other classes and therefore knew eachtoerh fairly well.

Still makes me angry thinking about it.

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