Feel like a shit mum- kind words please!

[Cleanqueennot]

My baby is 7 months old and since he’s been born I have felt like a shit mum when I’m on my own with him during the day. If DH is with us or if my mum is here I feel like I can manage and it all feels great but the minute I’m on my own again I feel like I can’t cope. I never thought I would be this useless at being a mum and it’s breaking my heart. Being a mum is all I ever wanted and I’m so grateful I’ve become a mum in my 30s. I just feel like I can’t put him down for a few minutes before he starts crying at me. It seems he’s always tired and refuses to sleep which doesn’t help. Now we have started weaning I have found it’s made things worse, as I’ve now got to try to feed him solids (while eating something myself) and then he wants milk straight after feeding.

I feel like I can’t keep up with the constant meals, cleaning him up to breastfeed then he’s due a nap (which he fights until I give up). I feel like I’m constantly chasing my tail trying to keep on top of these basic needs I don’t have much time to play or do nice things with him. I know a lot of it stems from him being overtired as he DOES NOT NAP but I’m so over trying new things to make him sleep. It only ends in tears for us both. I’ve tried everything from sleep training to possum method. I am not willing to ‘try’ anymore sleep related stuff as it’s doing my head in!

I do already take him to 2 baby classes per week and that’s great. My issue is more that I can’t cope well at home with him so I feel like hes missing out on things at home like tummy time etc and he isn’t showing any signs of sitting up or crawling. I’m worried about his development.

I don’t know what I am needing really. Just needed to vent and maybe get some kind words from people. I feel so down 😞

sorry for the long post! X

You are not a shit mum!

A shit mum would not be trying at ALL.

I would ask to pop in and see your HV, she will be able to check everythings ok!x

Thanks. My HV did pop round a few weeks ago and all she said was try to get out for a walk at he same time each day so baby can nap on the go. It seems to be the only reliable method to get him to sleep but this still isn’t helping him nap at home or make my life easier at home. Not sure if it’s worth contacting her again as what more can she say? She will probably just tell me that’s mum life 🤣

Is sleep the main issue at the moment do you think? Being tired makes EVERYTHING feel worse.

What are you doing at the moment for naps? x

Awww honestly you are not a shit mum as a feel like this sometimes. 7 month old babies are boring that's a fact. It gets much better as they get older.

My older two were a year apart and my younger ones were twins so to keep myself same I went out every day. Long walk/shops/library/soft play/groups just try to get out of the house otherwise I felt suffocated.

Be kind to yourself you obviously doing great xxxx

Sleep is the main issue I think but I don’t really want to focus too much on it as I feel I have exhausted all avenues with the sleep. He will not nap during the day unless out in the buggy. over night he’s waking every 2 hours but settles back to sleep after feeding. I think overtiredness is probably the main issue but I am through with trying anything more! I have tried it all it’s turned me crazy. Tried slings, buggy in the house, white noise, darkness, contact naps, naps in crib/cot/Moses basket, not forcing him to nap just ends him being ready for bed at 5pm and he won’t sleep on his own. I have tried a Ferber style of leaving him to cry and it only escalates and ends in me having a really terrible day, I can’t cope with letting him cry himself silly.

This baby will not nap and I guess that is what is getting me down. I am trying to change my thinking and not letting it bother me but it’s affecting his attentions span. He can’t enjoy his solid food as he’s too tired to be interested, same for playing etc. he is generally happy when you engage with him but he easily get distracted and starts staring into space!

How often do you get out of the house and how much time do you get to actually talk to other adults, especially other mothers of slightly older children?

Honestly you sound totally like the totally normal first time mother of an active baby. It does get easier but getting out of the house religiously (even if just to walk around the block in pyjamas) and making time with other adults (even if all in pyjamas) really helps. Its especially important if you don't have handy family with experience to lean on.

If you have a second you will laugh at all the things you used to worry about with the first, especially development. Babies develop in their own time and not all of them crawl - some go straight to walking and miss that stage entirely. Try not to worry too much about doing things "right" - if the baby won't sleep then go out for a walk with him or watch crap films with him on your lap or whatever makes your life a bit easier.

Yes, DD 2.5 never crawed! She went straight to walking.

If it makes you feel better, I once thought about calling 999 because I was worried DD was crying.

Exhaustion makes everything worse and tbh 7 months is a bugger of an age!

Do you have any other support to have a break?

7 month old babies don't need to eat meals they're just learning how to eat and exploring. Therefore If they're hungry breastfeed them first and do weaning a bit later. It doesn't have to be at a mealtime, better to have a full tummy and happy baby than trying to get solid food in

I go to baby and toddler classes twice a week so there are mums of kids of all ages there. Tbh they all make me feel worse as none of their babies seems to have the sleep issues that mine does! I seem to be the only one with with a baby that still wakes up several times nightly and will not sleep during the day haha

I really feel for you here, I had the same feelings with my first. Everything was so overwhelming and it felt like no matter how hard I tried I was just really bad at being a mum!

With retrospect this wasn't true at all. My baby didn't sleep, I was exhausted, I was seeing images in magazines, seeing people on TV shows, photos on social media of other mums in their (apparently) immaculate homes, and they all seemed to be relaxed, put together and taking all of this in their stride. I remember I was so anxious all the time, thinking I wasn't doing enough or that I was somehow failing my child - when I was overwhelmed I totally overlooked all the things I was doing and only focused on the areas where I felt I was failing. I was comparing myself unfavourably to this idea of perfection...but actually, most other mums (even the ones I was comparing myself to) were dealing with a lot of the same stuff.

The fact that you're doing so much already, and that you're thinking about this, is evidence that you are not a crap mum. Parenting is bloody hard work, every baby is different, you are doing your absolute best...and I guarantee that lots of women here could tell you their own stories of how hard they found things or how much they doubted their own abilities.

I remember people telling me I would eventually start to find things easier. Didn't believe them at the time, if I'm honest, but they were right! You're doing amazingly, and it won't be like this forever.

@Seasonofthewitch83 apparently I never crawled either and went straight to walking quite early so my parents tell me! So it’s good to know that’s quite common.

I was once in a similar position to call 999 when he was going through the newborn colic stage. I just feel like I should be finding it easier. He doesn’t have fits of crying for no reason like he used to as a newborn and is generally a pleasant little thing, I just feel like I’m failing him because I know his fussiness and crying is due to tiredness and probably frustration!

My family live 500 miles away so no help from them, friends all work full time. I guess I feel more overwhelmed as I have not much of a support network.

My first was like that - never bloody slept. Others were nipping into the hairdresser whilst the baby stayed a sleep and I was struggling to get dressed.

You might find smaller groups which are just social rather than classes are a bit more relaxing. I would also stop trying to get him to sleep during the day but work out which routine things act as a good distraction for a while (watching the washing machine used to give me entire minutes of peace). I found the baby became easier as I learned to relax and not worry so much about doing things right.

Hi Op

You are not a shit mum

Because you care about that you are doing a good enough job,

You are doing a good enough job,

End of day nobody is perfect Op

Just make sure you get enough support around you in various ways,

Also some women find doing a part-time job or volunteering work even for 1 or 2 days or adult education , a hobby just for a few hours gives them a break from endless demands of being a new mother ,

So feel refreshed,

It sounds relentless and I really feel for you. I’ll probably be flamed for this but for me, I couldn’t crack the sleep until I stopped BFing.

Have you looked at HomeStart? If you’re feeling overwhelmed with everything, perhaps a weekly visit might be helpful? All the HomeStart volunteers I’ve met through work have been amazing.

You are definitely not a shit mum! A non napping baby is hard. I have a 7 month old too who only naps in the pram. I fought it for a long time and tried to get cot naps but since the new year I've just embraced it and go out with the pram twice a day. I signed up to a step count challenge to keep me motivated and I listen to audio books and podcasts. This might not work for you but I definitely feel calmer and she's now well rested, albeit I'm pretty worn out! I don't get loads done at home but I try to do little bits while she's awake eg doing the dishes when she's in the highchair after her food, hanging the washing while she plays next to me on her mat. And food wise I keep it very simple, no fancy weaning meals here because I don't have time to prepare them! That part stresses me too but I think they're still so little and get most of what they need from milk. A few friends with similar babies said they had more luck with cot naps and routine around 10 months so hoping it's the same for us 🤞 and from chatting to other mums at baby groups, lots of other babies don't sleep through - it might feel like it, but you're not alone! I love Second star to the right page on Instagram for realistic, bf friendly sleep tips (no sleep training or anything like that, she just normalises infant sleep and makes me feel better about my very normal baby!)

Homestart doesn’t operate in my part of the UK unfortunately. I didn’t really plan to stop BF any time soon especially not until he’s 1. I know some report better sleep on formula but I’ve also heard that it may not make a difference at all so evidence is mot good enough for me to quit BFing I don’t think.

My baby is 7 months old too… he can’t roll at all. He hates tummy time and just cries and keeps his head on the floor. He can sit unaided and reach for toys to play with but doesn’t mean it keeps him occupied for too long! Health visitor said he will just skip the rolling but right now I don’t see him crawling either.
His day time naps are really short too literally half an hour and sometimes he fights them so much. He has 3 meals a day and is on formula milk. He does sleep ok at night with 1 wake up some nights but does go back off when I put his dummy back in or pat his back. He has a tooth coming through right now and the days seem so long!

You aren’t a shit mum! Being a parent is hard work! It’s hard to see now but it will all pass and your baby will be crawling/walking/talking in no time… it really does go too fast. You’ll look back one day and will miss these moments (even though they are hard)

Good for you! And I didn’t mean formula makes them sleep so apologies if it came across like that 🙈. I just meant don’t feel too much pressure. I think it’s harder to space out feeds and get longer chunks of sleep when they’re feeding so sounds like little one has totally normal sleep, just hard going x

I have no advice except it does get better.
Weaning at the start is flaming awful, trying to time feeds with solids with naps. Decided baby lead or puree or both.
Once they start reducing the milk it does get a bit easier.
Some babies are just terrible sleepers I rang my HV in tears the other week because mine doesn't sleep through the night and I'm back to work soon.. Shhe was amazing didn't make me feel stupid at all gave me tips most of which did actually work.

My younger 2 never crawled fhey bottom jumped honestly like yogic flying was a sight to behold!! They walked at 18 months! My poor back.

Op do remember competitive parent types love to tell you their babies sleep from 7 to 7!! Some indeed do and some lie

It's quite common for a baby to only nap on the go. I just used to time a walk or trip in the car/bike for roughly the middle of the day to ensure they got done sleep.

Never bothered with tummy time as mine both hated it.

If being in the house is hard, don't be in. There is no law that says you have to be. Do you have some kind of idea of motherhood you're trying to live up to? There's a ridiculous stereotype of mums folding laundry and making cupcakes while baby naps photogenically in the corner which is BOLLOCKS but lots of people try to live by it. (I can't believe how many baby books rattle on about finding time to "fold laundry" as if anyone has that kind of time ffs). You're not putting yourself under pressure to be some kind of imaginary good mum are you? You can just be you with a baby and that's more than fine. Better in fact.

Your baby is only 7 months. I promise as they get older you will have more time to do things, whether that is housework, mum and baby activities or things for you. You don't have to get it all done now. What you need to do now is enjoy life. If you would like to go to the pub, or potter around homebase, or catch up in a friend's kitchen, so will your baby.

Being in the house is harder I think. If baby naps in pram then after your morning routine take them out for a walk in pram then do same after lunch lunchtime routine. It'll give your day a bit of focus. Or arrange to meet someone or go to supermarket, go to swings etc just create tasks to get through this stage. You are not a shit mum

I try not to be in the house tbh but I’m finding it exhausting going for walks constantly to try to get him to sleep. I’m barely home enough to prepare and eat healthy meals so my energy levels are suffering and I’m fuelled mostly on coffee and cereal bars. I’m not getting much sleep myself so there’s only so much walking around in the miserable weather that I can pretend to enjoy. I would love to spend all day going around the shops and pubs but with money so tight at the moment I don’t find that much fun either as I can’t buy anything but the essentials.

My house is a tip and I’d like to try to do some of the cleaning and cooking as my poor DH does pretty much all of it after getting home from work, but with baby being so demanding I just muddle through each day and look forward to better times. I want to start seeing it in a more positive light because I’m on maternity leave and when I’m back at work I’m sure I’ll miss all of this!

My baby is almost 3 months and has fought sleep since I can remember. Sometimes I will rock him for an hour and my arm will be in agony from the weight of him. Its so difficult and I have at times felt like I wanted to shout at my baby because I couldn't understand why he wouldn't sleep. I learnt that making sure he has a nap before he becomes overtired has helped. Contact naps are the only way he will get a decent nap. I feel sad reading your post because you are doing a great job and dont be hard on yourself. Motherhood is hard and each baby has their own personality!!

Are you following appropriate wake windows during the day? It sounds like you’re leaving it too long before trying to get him to nap.

If you start trying to get him to nap when you see sleep cues (red eyebrows, eye rubbing, yawning etc) you’ve left it too late to try.

Multiple night wakes are also normal and common at this age. Many toddlers wake up every 2 hours and that’s also normal.