Just feeling really down and disappointed in myself today

[CalpolDependant]

I haven’t been the same since I had this baby- she’s 7mo today. A very very bonny and smiley kid, especially compared to my second, who has always been a bit of an Eeyore type. But she just doesn’t make me smile enough. It’s such an awful feeling. She is so high octane. She has to be being entertained constantly. It’s unbelievably draining.

She cried from the moment she woke up this morning. In the end she cried herself to sleep tonight too, even though I was holding her. Cutting two fucking teeth at once. Nightmare.

Early this morning, I walked all of the kids for 4 miles, just to make the baby shut up. I was only in these shitty little canvas shoes and now my feet are blistered up. The elder two fought and sulked the entire way around.

I had to leave the baby to cry a few times today. Just had to leave the room and compose myself. At one point I left her crying for a whole ten minutes while I sat on the landing with my head in my hands and fantasised about smoking a cigarette. (I quit 12 years ago!)
I’m sure plenty of people will be along now to tell me that I’ve irreparably damaged her. Feeling so bloody guilty and awful and tired and fucking worn out. Think I might regret this baby. Does anyone else ever feel that way? I feel like I might always regret her and it breaks my heart. Did anyone else regret theirs and then find later that they got over that feeling?

Other highlights of my day:

1. Pissed myself because I didn’t get my knickers down in time. Didn’t change myself for an hour.
2. Let my eldest play on her iPad for 5 fucking hours after lunch. Pretty sure her brain is now mush.
3. Left pram out in rain. Standard.

I’d just really like some messages of support and solidarity. Please don’t just pile on me for being a shit mum. I’m definitely a shit mum. Any other shit mums out there today?

My baby is actually 8mo today. FFS. I’m so shit I can’t even remember how old my own kid is.

You aren't a shit mum. You've just had a (really) bad day. Tomorrow will be better. High needs babies are HARD WORK!

(Do you have a local Home-Start - might be worth seeing whether they have a volunteer who could come and help you once a week and take the pressure off - even if they just held and played with the baby to give you a break).

I’d never heard of Home Start. There is one in the town nearest my village. Thank you.x

Before 9am today I was doubled over in the kitchen sobbing because my 10 week old baby wouldn’t stop crying and I was trying to do my toddler’s breakfast and I literally couldn’t make a decision about what to do for the best, was completely frozen and debilitated. My toddler kept saying ‘you’re ok mummy’ and I’m sure I’ll have damaged her somehow letting her see me in that state. Not the first time either. Awful.

Jeez you've had a rough day. I cry all the time and can barely cope with one. You're keeping 3 alive and ones teething two teeth at once. so you're a freaking rockstar in my eyes.

@calpoldependent give them a call. You can self refer to our local one.

Good luck and remember this won't last forever....it's just a phase! (I had 4 under 7 for a bit...been there, done that, got the t shirt, and survived, just 😉!).

I have three DC and for a while I regretted having my youngest. He was such a difficult baby - the worst sleeper of the three by miles, and then a really stubborn strong willed toddler. Did I get over the feeling? Yes. He's 13yo now and is a genuinely lovely young teen. Hang in there OP. It will get better.

You’re not a shit mum. But could you perhaps have PND? You say you’ve not been right since you had your youngest baby. It’s nothing to be ashamed of - you could have a chat with your GP or health visitor and they may be able to offer you some support. Do you have anyone you can chat to in real life about how you’re feeling?

You sound like a dedicated and loving mum who’s doing a great job in a really tough situation. I know it’s a bit of a cliched thing to say but if a friend was telling you about her (your) day I guarantee you wouldn’t be thinking that she was a shit mum, you’d just feel really sad for her. So try to be (a lot) kinder to yourself. You walked for four miles til your feet were blistered…I’d say that makes you pretty selfless and I wonder if a big part of how you’re feeling is ground down by your own needs being at the bottom of the pile all of the time. It’s hard to feel like you matter or kindness towards yourself if that’s the case

You’re not new to this so you know that how you feel about motherhood at one point in time can be so very different in one month, six months, one year, six year etc so for now I’d just not to think “what if I always feel…X” thoughts. Park that worry for another day and just try to get through one day at a time for now.

Thank you all so much for being so kind. It might be PND. Had a terrible birth and haven’t been able to breastfeed her, which I think makes me feel like something is “wrong” compared to the others.

Yesterday I spent two fucking hours of my life tearing the house apart seaching for my house keys. I even had a rummage through the bin for them! Was sure the toddler had hidden them somewhere.

Turned out I accidentally put them in my husband's work bag, and he hadn't noticed when he left for work. We were then stuck inside all day even though it was really nice weather.

Then the toddler had me up half the night for reasons unknown. So yesterday I had a pretty shit day too...

Don't beat yourself up. Chin up, tits out, tomorrow is another day. We all have crappy days when nothing goes right. Call in any support you can to get through this rough patch. Can you offload the older ones for a day or ask someone to take the baby for a bit?

Hope you get some sleep tonight!!!

This too will pass..... hang in there... you are doing fine.

And slap some nice cream on those feet!
X

Looks like I was reading my own story. DD2 is 9mo and is so clingy I sometimes just shut myself in the toilet and sit there (5mins of ME TIME). I have high BP and am on meds, and these kids are not helping my BP a bit (actually helping it on the wrong direction)

I have stopped feeling guilty for anything. All I do is reassure myself that I do not have any memories of myself up until I was 5-6yrs old so probably my kids will forget my yelling and the shitty things I do as well.

Don't worry Op tomorrow is a new day.

Yesterday I

Scrapped food into the bin and put the plate in there too and then couldn't find the plate until today as had no recollection of bin dumping it

Took my child to a playgroup with no shoes on as I could only find one

Had to carry my child around the supermarket because not only did my child not have shoes on but I didn't have a £1 for the trolley and only when I got back to the car and sat down did the £1 fall out my pocket. I also didn't get what I went there for as I forgot

Didn't bother texting back any of my friends cause I couldn't be bothered

But today has been a great day... swings and roundabouts OP. Write today off and go for it tomorrow

Please phone the health visitor and tell them how you feel. I've been there and it's not pretty. I am nearly not here today.

And never guilt yourself eg about the iPad. If everyone gets some food and nappies are changed then fine. Stick to the bare minimum. You are in survival mode now. Do what you can. Get through this

it is so hard at times. Give yourself a break, you sound like a hugely caring mum. Your post took me right back to the teething days where I seemed to have spent months of my life holding a wriggly, dribbling, red-faced crying child. This will pass, and you're not alone

You aren't shit.

I'd say the opposite id say you are amazing.

You've kept them all going, given exercise, entertainment, not lost your temper, not lashed out, you've survived.

There is NOTHING wrong with an iPad especially after a 4 mile walk, that's amazing!

And it's not that baby doesn't make you smile - life has a way of taking our smiles away. It's really fucking hard.

Is there any way you can prioritise yourself? Any help available? What child free time can you get?

And I'm with you on the BF, I couldn't breastfeed my son and it really upset me, I felt like I'd failed him. I hadn't and neither have you.

Can you self refer for CBD? It can be brilliant for learning coping strategies in these moments of stress and anxiety.

What does today look like for you x

I hope you're ok 💛

You are most definitely not a shit mum!!
The fact u even brought all three outside amazes me.
It's fucking hard!!! And yes we have heard all this before that motherhood is hard, but it's fuckimg harder now..more expectations on mums to be endless sources of energy!!
I am being honest when I say, it's a good week in our house if all children get to school.
Right now, it's been weeks since they have all attended school at the same time..between anxiety, sickness, autistic burnout, the list is endless and yes I feel like the shittest mum ever cos I can't even get my children to school🥴

@slithytoveisascientist thanks. Yes, what I meant was I was very very low last year and if I hadn't got help, then perhaps I wouldn't be here. So to OP, you are going to be OK, but it might take a little while. Don't be afraid to tell people in real life. It's scary how quickly I went from fine to suicidal.

We’ve all had those god awful days. The other week I couldn’t stop thinking “this would be much easier if I were drunk” , I have never wanted to be drunk more badly in my entire life. I drink 2 glasses a week so am hardly gin soaked. It’s not you, small children are awfully intensive.

Hi there mum, you’re likely depressed and anxious - it’s an illness and will get better once you start getting it treated. Everything feels impossible when you’re ill like this. Please seek urgent help from GP and ask family/ friends to come help you x